REVISED QUERY (post 22) - MG - THE MODERN CAVEBOY'S GUIDE...

[michelleimason]

Thanks for all the feedback earlier this summer! I've been querying since mid-August and haven't been getting as many requests as I'd like, so I've revised the query letter again. Below is a new version that goes further into the story. I've left out the personalization and my bio here, but they'll be included per agents' preferences. I've also changed the title. I appreciate any feedback you have!

Dear Agent:

In THE MODERN CAVEBOY’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING BATS, BULLIES AND BILLIONAIRES, twelve-year-old Ethan Williams embarks on a mission to spring the people of the Underground City from the trap set by a reclusive billionaire the night Ethan was born.

Ethan’s dreamed about the surface his entire life. Light comes from the sun instead of energy rocks. There are animals and oceans and other boys his age. Most of all, there’s his father.

Escape seems impossible, with boulders barricading the original entrance to the city and unending darkness blocking the other. Then Ethan discovers the founder’s journals. It turns out he staged the “earthquake” that trapped everyone to test the city’s sustainability but died before he could end the experiment. Fortunately, the journals also hold the key to escape – a map and instructions to the surface through the Deep Caves.

Ethan, his older sister and their best friend venture into the tunnels, sure anything is better than staying trapped. That’s before they meet a colony of vicious bats and realize the map isn’t so reliable. It doesn’t take them to the surface. Instead, they stumble into a city that wants to stay hidden, a city where branding and dark pits await those who would expose its secrets. One wrong step and they’ll be trapped in a place much worse than the Underground City.

THE MODERN CAVEBOY’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING BATS, BULLIES AND BILLIONAIRES is complete at 43,000 words. While its initial setting will appeal to fans of THE CITY OF EMBER, the majority of the action takes place in the caves and beyond.

Sincerely,
Michelle Mason
[contact info]

[AllieS]

In THE MODERN CAVEBOY’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING BATS, BULLIES AND BILLIONAIRES, twelve-year-old Ethan Williams embarks on a mission to spring the people of the Underground City from the trap set by a reclusive billionaire the night Ethan was born. The next line is a much better beginning.

Ethan’s dreamed about the surface his entire life. Light comes from the sun instead of energy rocks. This fragment doesn't work because it seems like you're just stating a fact: light comes from the sun. There are animals and oceans and other boys his age. Most of all, there’s his father. Yeah, these fragments confuse what is otherwise a cool idea. Try rephrasing the beginning to something more fluid like this: Ethan's dreamed about the surface his entire life. You know, where light comes from sun instead of energy rocks, and there are oceans and animals and people his own age." Obviously, this is just an example. I don't understand the father thing at all, and you don't bring him up again.

Escape from the cave seems impossible, with boulders barricading since boulders barricade the original entrance to the city and unending darkness blocking blocks the other. Then Ethan discovers the founder’s huh? who? journals. It turns out he staged the “earthquake” that trapped everyone you need to say where they're trapped, and what city, and overall more details.to test the city’s sustainability but died before he could end the experiment. Fortunately, the journals also hold the key to escape – a map and instructions to the surface through the Deep Caves.

Ethan, his older sister and their best friend venture into the tunnels, sure that anything is better than staying trapped. That’s before they meet a colony of vicious bats and realize the map isn’t so reliable. It doesn’t take them to the surface. Instead, they stumble into a city that wants to stay hidden, a city where branding huh? and dark pits await those who would expose its secrets. One wrong step and they’ll be trapped in a place much worse than the Underground City.

This sounds really cool, but I can only piece together bits and pieces of what's going on. You need more info about where Ethan lives, why he lives there, and the world you've created overall. It just needs a better flow from one idea to the next. Still, I think you've got something really interesting here.

THE MODERN CAVEBOY’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING BATS, BULLIES AND BILLIONAIRES is complete at 43,000 words. While its initial setting will appeal to fans of THE CITY OF EMBER, the majority of the action takes place in the caves and beyond.

[GingerWrite]

I think I preferred the old query. It had more moments of tension and you got to know the MC better. But if you've been getting negative responses with the old one, by all means edit away! I agree with most of Allie's suggestions.

[michelleimason]

Thanks AllieS and GingerWrite. Does this help? It's a hybrid with some earlier versions.

Dear Agent:

Born in a city buried underground, twelve-year-old Ethan Williams can sum up his life in one word: trapped. He dreams of the surface, where light comes from the sun and his dad is more than a faded picture in his mom’s wallet. He pours his frustration into lists like “Why I Hate the Underground City.” The main points?

1. I’ve never met my dad, and my mom is sad all the time because she misses him.
2. The closest I can get to an adventure is sneaking into an R-rated movie at the SubEx.
3. Nothing changes here. There’s no wind or rain or darkness.

Escape seems impossible, since boulders barricade the original entrance to the city and unending darkness blocks the other. Then Ethan discovers the reclusive billionaire who founded the city staged the “earthquake” that trapped everyone to test the city’s sustainability but died before he could end the experiment. It’s all there in his journals, along with a map and instructions to the surface through the Deep Caves.

Ethan, his older sister and their best friend venture into the tunnels, sure anything is better than staying trapped. That’s before they meet a colony of vicious bats and realize they may not be following the right path. Instead of the surface, they stumble into a city that wants to stay hidden, a city where branding and dark pits await those who would expose its secrets. One wrong step and they’ll be trapped in a place much worse than the Underground City.

THE MODERN CAVEBOY’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING BATS, BULLIES AND BILLIONAIRES is complete at 43,000 words. While the story’s initial setting will appeal to fans of THE CITY OF EMBER, the majority of the action takes place in the caves and beyond.

[AllieS]

Born in a city buried underground, twelve-year-old Ethan Williams can sum up his life in one word: trapped. He dreams of the surface, where light comes from the sun and his dad is more than a faded picture in his mom’s wallet. He pours his frustration into lists like “Why I Hate the Underground City.” Really like this beginning The main points?

1. I’ve never met my dad, and my mom is sad all the time because she misses him.
2. The closest I can get to an adventure is sneaking into an R-rated movie at the SubEx.
3. Nothing changes here. There’s no wind or rain or darkness.

I get where you're trying to go with this, but I think the query flows smoother without it. Maybe you could say, "The list's main points include how the only adventures he's ever had involve sneaking into an R-rated movie at the SubEx. Pretty lame" or something like that

Escape seems impossible, since boulders barricade the original entrance to the city and unending darkness blocks the other. Then Ethan discovers that the reclusive billionaire who founded the city staged the “earthquake” that trapped everyone. He did it to test the city’s sustainability but died before he could end the experiment. It’s all there in his the journals Ethan found in the ______, along with a map and instructions to the surface through the Deep Caves.

Ethan, his older sister and their best friend venture into the tunnels, sure anything is better than staying trapped. That’s before they meet a colony of vicious bats and realize they may not be following the right path. Instead of the surface, they stumble into a city that wants to stay hidden, a city where branding and dark pits await those who would expose its secrets. One wrong step and they’ll be trapped in a place much worse than the Underground City.

Much, much beter

[GingerWrite]

I agree with Allie! Not only the edits but also that this is much much better. Good luck querying!

[michelleimason]

Thanks again, Allie and Ginger. I've made another revision to that first paragraph. Let me know if you think it flows better.

Ginger, to answer your question about the original query, the problem I've been encountering is that agents think it sounds like THE CITY OF EMBER. As a result, I changed the title to get further away from that story and also went further in to show them the difference. I thought the fact they went into caves would make it obvious since the kids in EMBER don't leave the city until the very end and definitely don't go caving, but I was still getting that comment so I'm hoping this new version will take care of that.

Dear Agent:

Born in a city buried underground, twelve-year-old Ethan Williams can sum up his life in one word: trapped. He dreams of the surface, where light comes from the sun and his dad is more than a faded picture in his mom’s wallet. He pours his frustration into lists like “Why I Hate the Underground City” (no dad, pets or boys his age) and “How the City Ruins Late-Night Adventures” (no darkness, cemeteries or bad guys lurking behind trees).

Escape seems impossible, since boulders barricade the original entrance to the city and unending darkness blocks the other. Then Ethan discovers that the reclusive billionaire who founded the city staged the “earthquake” that trapped everyone. He did it to test the city’s sustainability but died before he could end the experiment. It’s all there in the journals Ethan found, along with a map and instructions to the surface through the Deep Caves.

Ethan, his older sister, Ally, and their best friend, Gwen, venture into the tunnels, sure anything is better than staying trapped. That’s before they meet a colony of vicious bats and realize they may not be following the right path. Instead of the surface, they stumble into a city that wants to stay hidden, a city where branding and dark pits await those who would expose its secrets. One wrong step and they’ll be trapped in a place much worse than the Underground City.

THE MODERN CAVEBOY’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING BATS, BULLIES AND BILLIONAIRES is complete at 43,000 words. While the story’s initial setting will appeal to fans of THE CITY OF EMBER, the majority of the action takes place in the caves and beyond.

[AllieS]

Born in a city buried underground buried underground city, twelve-year-old Ethan Williams can sum up his life in one word: trapped. He dreams of the surface, where light comes from the sun and his dad is more than a faded picture in his mom’s wallet. He pours his frustration into lists like “Why I Hate the Underground City” (no dad, pets or boys his age) and “How the City Ruins Late-Night Adventures” (no darkness, cemeteries or bad guys lurking behind trees). the parenthasis tell us something, but not enough. I liked the imagrey that went along with the previous version about the SubEx.

Escape seems impossible, since boulders barricade the original entrance to the city and unending darkness blocks the other. Then Ethan discovers that the reclusive billionaire who founded the city staged the “earthquake” that trapped everyone. He did it to test the city’s sustainability but died before he could end the experiment. It’s all there in the journals Ethan found, along with a map and instructions to the surface through the Deep Caves.

Ethan, his older sister, Ally, and their best friend, Gwen, venture into the tunnels, sure anything is better than staying trapped. That’s before they meet a colony of vicious bats and realize they may not be following the right path. Instead of the surface, they stumble into a city that wants to stay hidden, a city where branding and dark pits await those who would expose its secrets. One wrong step and they’ll be trapped in a place much worse than the Underground City.

Really good! I'm no agent, but I'd ask to see more

[michelleimason]

Thanks, Allie. Your help has been invaluable. Here's another attempt at that first paragraph.

Dear Agent:

Born in a buried underground city, twelve-year-old Ethan Williams can sum up his life in one word: trapped. He dreams of the surface, where light comes from the sun and his dad is more than a faded picture in his mom’s wallet. He pours his frustration into lists like “Why I Hate the Underground City.” A major point is that his most daring adventure so far is sneaking into an R-rated movie at the SubEx.

Escape seems impossible, since boulders barricade the original entrance to the city and unending darkness blocks the other. Then Ethan discovers that the reclusive billionaire who founded the city staged the “earthquake” that trapped everyone. He did it to test the city’s sustainability but died before he could end the experiment. It’s all there in the journals Ethan found, along with a map and instructions to the surface through the Deep Caves.

Ethan, his older sister, and their best friend venture into the tunnels, sure anything is better than staying trapped. That’s before they meet a colony of vicious bats and realize they may not be following the right path. Instead of the surface, they stumble into a city that wants to stay hidden, a city where branding and dark pits await those who would expose its secrets. One wrong step and they’ll be trapped in a place much worse than the Underground City.

THE MODERN CAVEBOY’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING BATS, BULLIES AND BILLIONAIRES is complete at 43,000 words. While the story’s initial setting will appeal to fans of THE CITY OF EMBER, the majority of the action takes place in the caves and beyond.

[Quill]

Born in a buried underground city, twelve-year-old Ethan Williams can sum up his life in one word: trapped. He dreams of the surface, where light comes from the sun and his dad is more than a faded picture in his mom’s wallet.

Okay

He pours his frustration into lists like “Why I Hate the Underground City.” A major point is that his most daring adventure so far is sneaking into an R-rated movie at the SubEx.

Omit, as unimportant detail not critical to the query.

Escape seems impossible, since boulders barricade the original entrance to the city and unending darkness blocks the other. Then Ethan discovers that the reclusive billionaire who founded the city staged the “earthquake” that trapped everyone. He did it to test the city’s sustainability but died before he could end the experiment. It’s all there in the journals Ethan found, along with a map and instructions to the surface through the Deep Caves.

Okay.

I'd drop "reclusive" as unneeded and not contributing.

Ethan, his older sister, and their best friend venture into the tunnels, sure anything is better than staying trapped.

Okay, not sure why Ethan would strike out on his own with other kids, rather than pass this seemingly vital info to the adults. As written it lessens the dramatic impact, by throwing it into the seemingly very unrealistic. If there is a good reason for this, might be good to state it.

That’s before they meet a colony of vicious bats and realize they may not be following the right path. Instead of the surface, they stumble into a city that wants to stay hidden, a city where branding and dark pits await those who would expose its secrets. One wrong step and they’ll be trapped in a place much worse than the Underground City.

Okay, though a bit awkward in spots. Not sure "a city that wants to stay hidden" is the best it can be. Can a city have desires? What do you mean by "branding?" Is that like cowboys do, with a hot iron? And you might elaborate a wee bit on "one wrong step". Are they walking through very carefully and fear stepping into a lamplight? Have they met the populace in disguise and don't want to blow their cover?

THE MODERN CAVEBOY’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING BATS, BULLIES AND BILLIONAIRES is complete at 43,000 words. While the story’s initial setting will appeal to fans of THE CITY OF EMBER, the majority of the action takes place in the caves and beyond.

I don't believe the reference book would be capitalized. Just your own title.

I think it would be good to state the genre (middle grade fantasy?).

Good luck with the project.