Revised: QUERY: Moonrise, Epic Fantasy

[Watcher55]

Revised:

The Lunar King bargained his daughter away in marriage to end generations of war between the two dynasties of the Skyfall Isles. The King sends his niece Chandi along as handmaid to his daughter. Chandi has two tasks: watch over her cousin, and spy on the Solars. Still seething over the death of her lover during the war, Chandi accepts the task he gives her. The Solars cost her everything she cares up,I'm going to guess that's a typo. and now she wants nothing more than proof of their treachery so she can go home.

She knows little of spying, but the blood of the Moon God running through her veins gives her powers mortals can't match. Of course, the more she uses them, the faster she becomes a lunatic.

When she discovers a Solar soldier, Naresh, watching her, she decides to return the favor.I wonder if this is close enough to your mention of Chandi's loss to refer back to it as a favor. But as he shows her the wonders of the domed underwater city, she begins to realize the Solars are not what she thought. Soon, she'll have to choose between loyalty to her people and her own heart. And when the Solar secrets she reavels to her people lead to the murder of Naresh's mentor, she risks reigniting the war.

MOONRISE is a 74,000-word fantasy that stands alone, but could be expanded into a series. I have had a short story published in the e-magazine The Harrow (April 2008).

Thank you for your time.

[dios4vida]

This is sounding really great, Matt!!

Revised:

The Lunar King bargained his daughter away in marriage to end generations of war between the two dynasties of the Skyfall Isles. The King sends his niece Chandi along as handmaid to his daughter. Chandi has two tasks: watch over her cousin, and spy on the Solars. Still seething over the death of her lover during the war, Chandi accepts the task he gives her. The Solars cost her everything she cares up, and now she wants nothing more than proof of their treachery so she can go home. I love this.

She knows little of spying, but the blood of the Moon God running through her veins gives her powers mortals can't match. Of course, the more she uses them, the faster she becomes a lunatic. This is my only real comment - would it be giving away many secrets to give us a hint as to what these powers are and how they'll help Chandi? Then maybe we could know why the temptation to use the power, even with the danger of lunacy, is so great.

When she discovers a Solar soldier, Naresh, watching her, she decides to return the favor. But as he shows her the wonders of the domed underwater city, she begins to realize the Solars are not what she thought. Soon, she'll have to choose between loyalty to her people and her own heart. And when the Solar secrets she reavels typo to her people lead to the murder of Naresh's mentor, she risks reigniting the war.

MOONRISE is a 74,000-word fantasy that stands alone, but could be expanded into a series. I have had a short story published in the e-magazine The Harrow (April 2008).

Thank you for your time.

[MattLarkin]

Hi Brenda, Chandi's powers are superhuman strength and speed, and the ability to change her gravity relative to a surface, so she can walk on walls and ceilings like Spiderman. I'm not sure that fits in the query, though, or if it is needed.

Er, several typos. That's what I get for doing this at work.

[dios4vida]

Hi Brenda, Chandi's powers are superhuman strength and speed, and the ability to change her gravity relative to a surface, so she can walk on walls and ceilings like Spiderman. I'm not sure that fits in the query, though, or if it is needed.

Er, several typos. That's what I get for doing this at work.

We all have typos, even when we don't have good excuses like writing at work. No worries, that's what friendly readers are for.

I actually think a brief mention of her power would be very pertinent to the query. Chandi isn't a professional spy, she's just a convenient one. So how will she gain the information she needs? And also, mentioning the powers without letting us know how they fit into the story seems a little incongruent.

Now that I think about it, you don't even really need to mention what the powers are, just how they're crucial to the plotline. It doesn't have to be much, I'm thinking something like, "She knows little of spying, but the blood of the Moon God running through her veins gives her powers mortals can't match - powers that may hold the key to discovering the information she needs." That way we know the powers aren't just an afterthought or some cheap trick to make the agent think there's more to the book. These powers aren't just there to be cool, they're integral to the success of her mission.

Of course, it's your call. The last thing I'd want is for you to feel pressured into putting something you don't like into your query.

[MattLarkin]

Revision: fixed typos, Brenda's suggestion (Thanks everybody!)

The Lunar King bargained his daughter away in marriage to end generations of war between the two dynasties of the Skyfall Isles. The King sends his niece Chandi along as handmaid to his daughter. Chandi has two tasks: watch over her cousin, and spy on the Solars. Still seething over the death of her lover during the war, Chandi accepts the task he gives her. The Solars cost her everything she cares about, and now she wants nothing more than proof of their treachery so she can go home.

She knows little of spying, but the blood of the Moon God running through her veins gives her powers mortals can't match, powers that let her slip into places she's not supposed to be. Of course, the more she uses her powers, the faster she becomes a lunatic.

When she discovers a Solar soldier, Naresh, watching her, she decides to return the favor and stick close to him. But as he shows her the wonders of the domed underwater city, she begins to realize the Solars are not what she thought. Soon, she'll have to choose between loyalty to her people and her own heart. When the Solar secrets she reveals lead to the murder of Naresh's mentor, she risks reigniting the war.

MOONRISE is a 74,000-word fantasy that stands alone, but could be expanded into a series. I have had a short story published in the e-magazine The Harrow (April 2008).

Thank you for your time.

[dios4vida]

I think that sounds great, Matt!

[Meghan]

Dear [Agent]

For generations the Solar and Lunar Dynasties fought for control of the Skyfall Archipelago. When the war ends, the lunar Chandi is sent to watch over her cousin the new bride of the solar emperor. But the lunar king gives her another task: spy on the solars and find a way to overthrow their empire from the inside.

She thinks the key may be the solar soldier, Naresh. But despite her mission she finds herself falling for him. Chandi plans to milk Naresh for all the information she can, but as he shows her the wonders of his undersea world, she begins to realize she'll have to choose between loyalty to her people and to her own heart.

And when the information she uncovers leads to the murder of Naresh's mentor, Chandi may well ignite another war.

Moonrise is a 74,000 word fantasy that stands alone, but could be expanded into a series. I wouldn't mention this in the query. You are trying to get representation for MOONRISE. I have had a short story published in the e-magazine The Harrow (April 2008).

Thank you for your time.

This query feels more like a synopis of the manuscript. Try giving us the main character, the central premise and what the protagonist does to rectify the issue. With fantasy, there tends to be a lot going on, so I can see why it might be difficult to narrow down. On a side note, I would capitalize Solar and Lunar.

[MattLarkin]

Hi Meghan. You can actually find the revised query a few posts up.

[Meghan]

Oops, sorry about that. I must have missed the second page.

[AllieS]

The Lunar King bargained what does this mean? what kind of bargain? did he sell her? his daughter away in marriage to end generations of war between the two dynasties of the Skyfall Isles. The King sends his niece Chandi along as handmaid to his daughter. Chandi has two tasks: watch over her cousin, and spy on the Solars. These lines seem a little stiff. Could you combine the two ideas somehow? Still seething over the death of her lover during the war, Chandi accepts the King's task he gives her. The Solars cost her everything she cares about, and now she wants nothing more than proof of their treachery so she can go home.

She knows little of spying, but the blood of the Moon God Moon God blood running through her veins gives her powers mortals can't match, powers that let her slip into places she's not supposed to be. Of course, the more she uses her powers, the faster she becomes a lunatic. Do you mean literally? Like she goes crazy? If not, I'd clarify this a little.

When she discovers a Solar soldier, Naresh, watching her, she decides to return the favor and sticksticks close to him. But as he shows her the wonders of the domed underwater city, she begins to realize the Solars are not what she thought. Soon, she'll have to choose between loyalty to her people and her own heart. When the Solar secrets she reveals lead to the murder of Naresh's mentor, she risks reigniting the war.

My biggest comment is that I think you start with the wrong character. The King isn't the focus, Chandi is. I'd redo those first couple lines so that we're seeing the events through Chandi's eyes. Other than that, cool idea!

[GingerWrite]

The Lunar King bargained his daughter away in marriage to end generations of war between the two dynasties of the Skyfall Isles. The King sends his niece Chandi along as handmaid to his daughter. There is a switch in tenses here with no transition. Makes it seem a bit choppy Chandi has two tasks: watch over her cousin, and spy on the Solars. Still seething over the death of her lover during the war, Chandi accepts the task he gives her. The Solars cost her everything she cares up what? did you mean "cares about"?, and now she wants nothing more than proof of their treachery so she can go home.

She knows little of spying, but the blood of the Moon God running through her veins gives her powers mortals can't match How do these powers help her? Can she see through walls, tell when she's being lied to etc?. Of course, the more she uses them, the faster she becomes a lunatic. haha, Lunar...lunatic. Sorry, I'm tired and it sounds funny

When she discovers a Solar soldier, Naresh, watching her, she decides to return the favor. But as he shows her the wonders of the domed underwater city, she begins to realize the Solars are not what she thought. Soon, she'll have to choose between loyalty to her people and her own heart. Not to mention guilt because she's falling for someone on the side of people who killed her lover. Poor kid. And when the Solar secrets she reavels to her people lead to the murder of Naresh's mentor, she risks reigniting the war.

MOONRISE is a 74,000-word fantasy that stands alone, but could be expanded into a series. I have had a short story published in the e-magazine The Harrow (April 2008).

Thank you for your time.

[MattLarkin]

Hi Ginger and Allie. Thanks for looking at the query. I'm actually pretty happy with it at this point. I'm not currently querying, but refining the query helped me refine the pitch for the story. This really helps in its own right.

She knows little of spying, but the blood of the Moon God running through her veins gives her powers mortals can't match How do these powers help her? Can she see through walls, tell when she's being lied to etc?.

This seems to be a quotation from an earlier draft. The full line:

She knows little of spying, but the blood of the Moon God running through her veins gives her powers mortals can't match, powers that let her slip into places she's not supposed to be.

gives a little more indication, without making them explicit. I think being explicit on what her powers are would only dilute the focus of the query. It does not matter that she can walk on walls, only that it lets her hide in places people don't think to look.

Not to mention guilt because she's falling for someone on the side of people who killed her lover. Poor kid.

Well, true, and a good point.

The Lunar King bargained what does this mean? what kind of bargain? did he sell her?

Is it really unclear what "bargained away in marriage" means here? It seems to me arranged marriages to end conflicts are so common in pre-modern settings as to not need explanation. I don't want the wording to be ambiguous, but I also don't want to dwell on something common to the genre.

Of course, the more she uses her powers, the faster she becomes a lunatic. Do you mean literally? Like she goes crazy? If not, I'd clarify this a little.

Yes, literally she becomes a lunatic--a person driven mad by the moon.