Query TORN YA sci fi

[dms0525]

I have a revised query below.

I'm polishing up my MS and I need my query letter to shine! Any and all suggestions/comments are appreciated!
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Dear Super Star Agent:

Sixteen year old Julia Phillips buries herself in guilt after killing her best friend Monica in a car accident. Julia awoke in the hospital with a broken leg, a new talent for drawing and false memories of the accident, in which she dies and Monica lives. The doctors attribute this to her head injury, but no one can explain how a bracelet engraved with her name ended up at the scene of the accident. A bracelet no one’s ever seen before.

Classmate Evan Whittaker paid Julia no attention before the accident, let alone after. Now suddenly he’s volunteering to tutor her and offering to drive her home. Not only is it weird his new obsession began after his two day disappearance the week before, but he has a mysterious connection to her oddities. When the police show up one night looking for Evan, he begs Julia to run with him, convincing her that Monica is still alive. She agrees to go, never guessing he’s from an alternate universe.

Evan lost the Julia of his world and can't bear losing her again, but his universe sees her as a threat. Evan and Julia try to correct the mistakes they've made, which not only threaten Julia’s life, but the existence of two worlds.

TORN is a young adult science fiction novel complete at 87,000 words. I am a member of RWA and two subchapters. I am active member of a critique group. Two of my manuscripts won The Beacon 2010 contest sponsored by First Coast Romance Writers. Thank you for your consideration.

[Netti]

I'm polishing up my MS and I need my query letter to shine! Any and all suggestions/comments are appreciated!
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Dear Super Star Agent:

Sixteen year old Julia Phillips buries herself in guilt after killing her best friend Monica in a car accident(Awesome opening!). Julia awoke in the hospital with a broken leg, a new talent for drawing and false memories of the accident, in which she dies and Monica lives. The doctors attribute this to her head injury, but no one can explain how a bracelet engraved with her name ended up at the scene of the accident. A bracelet no one’s ever seen before.

Classmate Evan Whittaker paid Julia no attention before the accident, let alone after. Now suddenly he’s volunteering to tutor her and offering to drive her home(I thought he wasn't paying attention to her). Not only is it weird his new obsession began after his two day disappearance the week before, but he has a mysterious connection to her oddities. When the police show up one night looking for Evan, he begs Julia to run with him, convincing her that Monica is still alive. She agrees to go, never guessing he’s from an alternate universe.

Evan lost the Julia of his world and can't bear losing her again, but his universe sees her as a threat(I feel like you just randomly throw this out here although I suspected parallel universes already. It might help to ease the reader into it better. Maybe also explain, or just hint at, why his universe thinks Julia is a threat.). Evan and Julia try to correct the mistakes they've made, which not only threaten Julia’s life, but the existence of two worlds.

TORN is a young adult science fiction novel complete at 87,000 words. I am a member of RWA and two subchapters. I am active member of a critique group. Two of my manuscripts won The Beacon 2010 contest sponsored by First Coast Romance Writers. Thank you for your consideration.

I really like your query! It really gets immediately to the point and explains things almost perfectly. I got a little confused toward the end but if you did send this out "as is" I don't see why you should have too much of a problem.

Good luck!

[SariBelle]

I think a lot of this query (especially the first para) is very strong. It could do with a little bit of tweaking though. Overall, I would want to read more.

Dear Super Star Agent:

Sixteen year old Julia Phillips buries herself in guilt after killing her best friend Monica in a car accident. Julia awoke in the hospital with a broken leg, a new talent for drawing and false memories of the accident, in which she dies and Monica lives. The doctors attribute this to her head injury, but no one can explain how a bracelet engraved with her name ended up at the scene of the accident. A bracelet no one’s ever seen before. I like this opening. Definitely want to know more.

Classmate Evan Whittaker paid Julia no attention before the accident, let alone after. Now suddenly he’s volunteering to tutor her and offering to drive her home. Not only is it weird his new obsession began after his two day disappearance the week before, but he has a mysterious connection to her oddities. Not sure I understand this. So far her 'oddities' don't seem that odd for someone who's been through a traumatic experience. When the police show up one night looking for Evan, he begs Julia to run with him, convincing her that Monica is still alive. She agrees to go, never guessing he’s from an alternate universe. This feels very out of the blue. Maybe a bit more indication to the lead up to this point that this is sci fi will prepare the reader for him being from another universe. So far it's felt more contemporary with maybe a slight paranormal twist.

Evan lost the Julia of his world and can't bear losing her again, but his universe sees her as a threat. How come Evan's paid no attention to her until now if he's already lost her once? Seems a bit odd. Evan and Julia try to correct the mistakes they've made, which not only threaten Julia’s life, but the existence of two worlds. Is it the mistakes or the corrections that threaten Julia's life and the worlds? I had to read this sentence twice.

TORN is a young adult science fiction novel complete at 87,000 words. Maybe starting the query with this will prepare the agent for the 'other world' twist. I am a member of RWA and two subchapters. I am an active member of a critique group. Not sure the info about a critique group is necessary. Two of my manuscripts won The Beacon 2010 contest sponsored by First Coast Romance Writers. Thank you for your consideration.

[dms0525]

Thank you both so much! Your input has been really helpful! Off to work on query!

Denise

[dms0525]

Here's my latest attempt:

Dear Super Star Agent:

TORN is a young adult science fiction complete at 87,000 words.

Sixteen year old Julia Phillips buries herself in guilt after killing her best friend Monica in a car accident. Julia awoke in the hospital with a broken leg, a new talent for drawing and false memories of the accident, in which she dies and Monica lives. The doctors attribute this to her head injury, but no one can explain how a bracelet engraved with her name ended up at the scene of the accident. A bracelet no one’s ever seen before.

Classmate Evan Whittaker paid Julia no attention before the accident, let alone after. Now suddenly he’s volunteering to tutor her and offering to drive her home. She can't ignore that his new obsession started after his two day disappearance last week and that he wears a pendant she’s been drawing for months. When the police show up one night looking for Evan, he begs Julia to run with him, convincing her that Monica is still alive.

Evan lost the Julia of his world and searched her out in an alternate universe. It was easy to fit himself into his doppelganger’s life but not so easy to leave Julia behind when his double escapes. Evan brings Julia to his universe, surprised when officials see her as a threat to their world’s fragile stability. Now, not only is Julia’s life in danger, but also the existence of two worlds.

I am a member of RWA and two subchapters. Two of my manuscripts won The Beacon 2010 contest sponsored by First Coast Romance Writers. Thank you for your consideration.

[JessePrice]

Here's my latest attempt:

Dear Super Star Agent:

TORN is a young adult science fiction complete at 87,000 words.

Sixteen year old Julia Phillips buries herself in guiltBeing nit-picky here, but how does she bury herself in guilt? Doing what? This just seems vague, although I like the overall timbre of the graf after killing her best friend Monica in a car accident. Julia awoke Keep it present tense: Julia awakes....in the hospital with a broken leg, a new talent for drawing and false memories of the accident, in which she dies and Monica lives. The doctors attribute this to her head injury, but no one can explain how a bracelet engraved with her name ended up at the scene of the accident. A bracelet no oneget rid of this contraction’s ever seen before.

Classmate Evan Whittaker paid Julia no attention before the accident, let alone after. Now suddenly he’s volunteering to tutor her and offering to drive her home. She can't ignore that his new obsession started after his two day disappearance last week and that he wears a pendant she’s been drawing for months. When the police show up one night looking for Evan, he begs Julia to runrun away? Run a marathon? with him, by convincing her that Monica is still alive.

Evan lost the Julia of his world and searched her out in an alternate universe. It was easy to fit himself into his doppelganger’s life but not so easy to leave Julia behind when his double escapes. Confusing sentence as it implies too much story that we are not privy to.Evan brings Julia to his universe, surprised when officials see her as a threat to their world’s fragile stability.Good mystery. Build it iup with at least one more sentence. Now, not only is Julia’s life in danger, but also the existence of two worlds.And how does Julia intend to resolve this?

I am a member of RWA and two subchapters. Two of my manuscripts won The Beacon 2010 contest sponsored by First Coast Romance Writers. Thank you for your consideration.

[wilderness]

Here's my latest attempt:

Dear Super Star Agent:

TORN is a [work of?] young adult science fiction complete at 87,000 words.

Sixteen-year-old Julia Phillips buries herself in guilt after killing her best friend Monica in a car accident. Julia awoke in the hospital with a broken leg, a new talent for drawing and false memories of the accident, in which she dies and Monica lives. The doctors attribute this to her head injury, but no one can explain how a bracelet engraved with her name ended up at the scene of the accident. A bracelet no one’s ever seen before.

Classmate Evan Whittaker paid Julia no attention before the accident, let alone after. Now suddenly he’s volunteering to tutor her and offering to drive her home. She can't ignore that his new obsession started after his two day disappearance last week and that he wears a pendant she’s been drawing for months. When the police show up one night looking for Evan, he begs Julia to run with him, convincing her that Monica is still alive.

I feel like you need that transition about the alternate universe before saying he lost the Julia of his world. Also, maybe mention how he got to this world in the first place. Evan lost the Julia of his world and searched her out in an alternate universe. It was easy to fit himself into his doppelganger’s life but not so easy to leave Julia behind when his double escapes. He brings Julia to his universe, surprised when officials see her as a threat to their world’s fragile stability. Now, not only is Julia’s life in danger, but also the existence of two worlds.

I am a member of RWA and two subchapters. Two of my manuscripts won The Beacon 2010 contest sponsored by First Coast Romance Writers. Thank you for your consideration.

Overall, a cool premise and a pretty good query. I'm intrigued! Some of the sentences I had to read twice to follow the plot -- since there are a lot of important details -- so maybe just try tweaking them a bit. I highlighted them in blue. One thing that can help is breaking down long sentences into short ones. Good luck!