Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS - Edited

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enewmeyer
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Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS - Edited

Post by enewmeyer » March 10th, 2011, 12:26 am

I have two versions of my query letter but am unsure of which would be the best one to send out. Please be brutally honest.

QUERY VERSION 1:
When the FBI closes its investigation into his sister’s death, Special Agent Jonah White sets off on a vigilante quest to track down her killer and stolen inheritance. With a retired K9 by his side and his Glock 22 within arm’s reach, Jonah plans to use any means necessary to avenge her death. Instead, he finds the killer’s widow, and possible accomplice, in need of protection. The deeper undercover he goes, the harder he falls for her.

Being unwittingly married to a con artist has left Maya Savantes with a five-year-old daughter to raise on her own, a commitment phobia, and a general distrust of all persons male. Wallowing knee-deep in debt pales in comparison to the fury of the local loan shark her husband stiffed. As Maya’s world crumbles, and the threats against her life increase, she turns to mysterious newcomer, Jonah White for solace and protection. But can she really trust him?

When Maya’s husband Eli returns from the presumed dead, Jonah’s cover is blown, and Maya’s daughter is kidnapped, the lies they’ve told threaten to pull them apart. To find redemption, Jonah, Maya, and Eli must work together to save the little girl they all love.

REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a completed work of romantic suspense.


QUERY VERSION 2:
When the Feds call it “case closed” in the supposed suicide of his sister, FBI agent Jonah White is hell bent on exacting justice for her death and tracking down her stolen inheritance. With a retired K9 by his side and his Glock 22 within arm’s reach, Jonah sets off for Hills Creek, Texas, home of con artist to the rich and lonely, Eli Savantes. Too bad Eli has already been bagged and tagged. Wining and dining Eli’s widow, Maya, a potential accomplice, should be as easy as offering her a shoulder to cry on and a bed to keep warm, but Jonah never expected to find himself on a collision course with love. Let the lying games begin.

Being unwittingly married to a swindler has left Maya Savantes with a five-year-old daughter to raise on her own, a commitment phobia, and a general distrust of all persons male. Wallowing knee-deep in debt pales in comparison to the fury of her husband’s loan shark. The only thing that would help this roller-skating waitress forget her troubles (other than winning the lottery), would be giving in to a scandalous romp with her sexy new customer, Jonah White. At least, that’s what her coworkers believe as they try to push the two would-be lovers together.

Unfortunately for Maya, Eli’s illicit past refuses to stay buried and the loan shark he stiffed out of fifty grand, is one seriously pissed off badass with a penchant for violence. As Maya’s world crumbles, and the threats against her life increase, she turns to Jonah for solace and protection. But can she really trust him? She’s about to find out. When Maya’s husband Eli returns from the presumed dead, Jonah’s cover is blown, and Maya’s daughter is kidnapped, the lies they’ve told threaten to pull them apart. To find redemption, Jonah, Maya, and Eli must work together to save the little girl they all love.

REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a completed work of romantic suspense. I have a B.A. in Liberal Studies and a M.A. degree in Holistic Education from California State University, San Bernardino. Recently, a personal narrative about my year as a victim of the Schwarzenegger Era of education cuts was published in an education journal (JAEPL).

Thank you for considering my book for representation.
Last edited by enewmeyer on March 16th, 2011, 10:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

glj
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Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS

Post by glj » March 10th, 2011, 1:12 pm

I definitely like version 1 better. Version 2 seems to pull in too many unimportant little details. The name of the town is not important for the query. That her coworkers try to hook them up is not important enough for the query.

The one thing that seems to be missing from both is the lying aspect, which is barely hinted at. It is in your title, and seems to be important, so I suspect that Jonah and Maya tell each other (and maybe others) some lies as they grow closer, but then have trouble undoing the lies they've told. This could be compelling. I suggest you try a version that brings this out. I want to see them entangled in deceit that forces them to make tough choices. It would provide a hook, as the reader would then want to read more to find out how it all works out in the end.



QUERY VERSION 1:
When the FBI closes its investigation into his sister’s suspicious? death, Special Agent Jonah White sets off on a vigilante I don't think "vigilante" is needed here. Maybe "personal"? quest to track down her killer and stolen inheritance. With a retired K9 by his side and his Glock 22 within arm’s reach, Jonah plans to use any means necessary to avenge her death. Instead, he finds the killer’s widow, and possible accomplice, in need of protection. The deeper undercover he goes, the harder he falls for her. I felt that this second-to-last sentence needs to stress more that he learns and accepts that the killer is dead, then moves from a desire for vengeance to a quest to recover his sister's money. This quickly passes over the killer's supposed death, to me.

Being unwittingly I don't know if it matters whether Maya married a con artist unwittingly, though I do understand that you want Maya to be a sympathetic character. married to a con artist has left Maya Savantes with a five-year-old daughter to raise on her own, a commitment phobia, and a general distrust of all persons male. Good! Wallowing knee-deep Cliche in debt pales in comparison to the fury of the local loan shark her husband stiffed. Feels like you are trying too hard with this sentence. Suggestion: Not only is she struggling with the debt he left, but she is also confronted by an angry loan shark her husband stiffed, expecting her to cover the debt. As Maya’s world crumbles, and the threats against her life increase, But you haven't told us about any threats yet. she turns to mysterious newcomer,Jonah White You already introduced him. for solace and protection. But can she really trust him? This is vague and not compelling. I suspect she wants to trust him, but uncovers some of the lies he told to gain her trust, before he fell for her, and now she wants to trust him but, appropriately, fears that he is not trustworthy. And Jonah is having the same crisis because Maya told him lies because she doesn't trust men. It feels to me as if you are leading up to a crisis of trust between them--except you haven't given us this in the query (or maybe I'm way off base?).

When Maya’s husband Eli returns from the presumed dead, Awkward wording Jonah’s cover is blown, and Maya’s daughter is kidnapped, This is worded as if the return of Eli causes daughters kidnapping? the lies they’ve Does the "they" include Eli and the daughter? It could, the way it is presently worded. told threaten to pull them apart. To find redemption, A bit cliche Jonah, Maya, and Eli must work together to save the little girl they all love. Why not simpler? To save the little girl they all love, Jonah, Maya, and Eli must work together. Or something similar. Here, I want some hint of what these three must do in order to work together. Better yet, make it somewhat unlikely, so the reader wants to know how they'll be able to cooperate, while at the same time making the reader root for them to succeed.

REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a completed work of romantic suspense.

AllieS
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Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS

Post by AllieS » March 10th, 2011, 11:36 pm

I think query one works the best. I haven't read the other comment posted, so whatever I say is just what comes to mind after reading this.


When the FBI closes its investigation into his sister’s death, Special Agent Jonah White sets off on a vigilante quest to track down her killer and stolen inheritance. With a retired K9 by his side and his Glock 22 within arm’s reach Those could be cut out to shorten the query., Jonah plans to use any means necessary to avenge her death. Instead, he finds the killer’s widow, and possible accomplice, in need of protection. The deeper undercover he goes, the harder he falls for her.

Being unwittingly married to a con artist has left Maya Savantes with a five-year-old daughter to raise on her own, a commitment phobia, and a general distrust of all persons male That phrasing sounds a little awkward to me. Saying "a general distrust of all men" gets the point across equally well. Wallowing knee-deep in debt pales in comparison to the fury of the local loan shark her husband stiffed. As Maya’s world crumbles, and the threats against her life increase, she turns to mysterious newcomer, Jonah White for solace and protection. But can she really trust him?Well, why wouldn't she? Has Jonah let anything about his real identity slip?

When Maya’s husband Eli returns from the presumed dead, Jonah’s cover is blown, and Maya’s daughter is kidnapped, the lies they’ve told threaten to pull them apart. That is a long, wordy sentence. Try splitting it into two.To find redemption, Jonah, Maya, and Eli must work together to save the little girl they all love.

Hope this helps.

misstante
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Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS

Post by misstante » March 11th, 2011, 8:46 am

I have two versions of my query letter but am unsure of which would be the best one to send out. Please be brutally honest.
ok i chopped and deleted and questioned, but not sure i did it right at all, so take it with a grain of salt. i love the way the sentences flow and have a taste of the book i think. i just like the first paragraph of version 2 better, but the body of version 1.

QUERY VERSION 1:

When the Feds call it “case closed” in the supposed suicide of his sister, FBI agent Jonah White is hell bent on exacting justice for her death and tracking down her stolen inheritance. With a retired K9 (WHAT is THIS? a DOG?)by his side and his Glock 22 (A GUN?) within arm’s reach, Jonah sets off for Hills Creek, Texas, home of con artist to the rich and lonely(not sure of 'to' the rich and lonely) , Eli Savantes. Too bad Eli has already been bagged and tagged. (great) Wining and dining Eli’s widow, Maya, a potential accomplice,(WHy would she be an accopmpice?) should be as easy as offering her a shoulder to cry on and a bed to keep warm, but Jonah never expected to find himself on a collision course with love. Let the lying games begin.


Being unwittingly married to a con artist has left Maya Savantes with a five-year-old daughter to raise on her own, a commitment phobia, and a general distrust of all persons male. Wallowing knee-deep in debt pales in comparison to the fury of the local loan shark her husband stiffed. As Maya’s world crumbles, and the threats against her life increase, she turns to mysterious newcomer, Jonah White for solace and protection. But can she really trust him?

When Maya’s husband Eli returns from the presumed dead, Jonah’s cover is blown, and Maya’s daughter is kidnapped. (not sure redemption is right word - with child kidnapped, more of a crisis word) Jonah, Maya, and Eli must work together to save the little girl they all love.

REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a completed work of romantic suspense.


QUERY VERSION 2:
When the Feds call it “case closed” in the supposed suicide of his sister, FBI agent Jonah White is hell bent on exacting justice for her death and tracking down her stolen inheritance. With a retired K9 (WHAT is THIS? a DOG?)by his side and his Glock 22 (A GUN?) within arm’s reach, Jonah sets off for Hills Creek, Texas, home of con artist to the rich and lonely(not sure of 'to' the rich and lonely) , Eli Savantes. Too bad Eli has already been bagged and tagged. (great) Wining and dining Eli’s widow, Maya, a potential accomplice,(WHy would she be an accopmpice?) should be as easy as offering her a shoulder to cry on and a bed to keep warm, but Jonah never expected to find himself on a collision course with love. Let the lying games begin.

Being unwittingly married to a swindler has left Maya Savantes with a five-year-old daughter to raise on her own, a commitment phobia, and a general distrust of all persons male. Wallowing knee-deep in debt pales in comparison to the fury of her husband’s loan shark. The only thing that would help this roller-skating waitress forget her troubles (other than winning the lottery), would be giving in to a scandalous romp with her sexy new customer, Jonah White.(if she's distrustful of men and a mother, not sure she would be looking for a scandalous romp, or am i naive?) At least, that’s what her coworkers believe as they try to push the two would-be lovers together. (maybe focus on coworkers intent more than maya's?)

Unfortunately for Maya, Eli’s illicit past refuses to stay buried and the loan shark he stiffed out of fifty grand, is one seriously pissed off badass with a penchant for violence. As Maya’s world crumbles, and the threats against her life increase, she turns to Jonah for solace and protection. But can she really trust him? She’s about to find out. When Maya’s husband Eli returns from the presumed dead, Jonah’s cover is blown, and Maya’s daughter is kidnapped, the lies they’ve told threaten to pull them apart. To find redemption, Jonah, Maya, and Eli must work together to save the little girl they all love.

REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a completed work of romantic suspense. I have a B.A. in Liberal Studies and a M.A. degree in Holistic Education from California State University, San Bernardino. Recently, a personal narrative about my year as a victim of the Schwarzenegger Era of education cuts was published in an education journal (JAEPL).

Thank you for considering my book for representation.

glj
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Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS

Post by glj » March 11th, 2011, 11:30 am

One more thing.


REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a completed work of romantic suspense. I have a B.A. in Liberal Studies and a M.A. degree in Holistic Education from California State University, San Bernardino. Recently, a personal narrative about my year as a victim of the Schwarzenegger Era of education cuts was published in an education journal (JAEPL). This last sentence would be a non-fiction writing credit if you wrote it. If someone else wrote the article, and you are merely in the article, then it should not be included.

enewmeyer
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Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS

Post by enewmeyer » March 16th, 2011, 10:11 am

Here is the edited version. I tried to boil it down to bare basics while still showing my voice and tone. Hope it makes the story clearer. Thanks for all the comments so far!

QUERY
When the Feds call it case closed in his sister’s death, FBI agent Jonah White is hell-bent on tracking down her stolen inheritance. Too bad Eli Savantes, con artist of the rich and lonely, has already been bagged and tagged. Working undercover to wine and dine Eli’s widow, and steal back the money, should be as easy as offering her a shoulder to cry on and a bed to warm. Or so he thinks . . . but Maya Savantes is no grieving widow.

Burying her husband should signal the start of a better life for Maya and her daughter, Lily, but it is anything but. Her husband’s life might be over, but his illicit past refuses to die, forcing Maya to face off against Eli’s loan shark. Jonah offers a nice respite from her troubles but when an old acquaintance warns of danger lurking shortly before turning up dead, Jonah is implicated in his murder. Maya is left questioning Jonah’s identity and intentions.

With his cover blown, Jonah struggles to keep one final secret from Maya. Eli is still alive and working with Jonah on a covert mission to capture the loan shark who has been threatening Maya's life. But when Lily is kidnapped, it will take all three of them to save her. Seeking vengenge is easy. Finding redemption for their sins is a hell of a lot harder.

Joel Q
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Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS

Post by Joel Q » March 16th, 2011, 5:39 pm

enewmeyer wrote:Here is the edited version. I tried to boil it down to bare basics while still showing my voice and tone. Hope it makes the story clearer. Thanks for all the comments so far!

QUERY
When the Feds call it case closed in his sister’s death, FBI agent Jonah White is hell-bent on tracking down her stolen inheritance. Too bad Eli Savantes, (Is this the guy who stole the money, who was her killer?)con artist of the rich and lonely, has already been bagged and tagged. Working undercover to wine and dine Eli’s widow, and steal back the money, should be as easy as offering her a shoulder to cry on and a bed to warm. Or so he thinks . . . but Maya Savantes is no grieving widow.

Burying her husband should signal the start of a better life for Maya and her daughter, Lily, but it is anything but. Her husband’s life might be over, but his illicit past refuses to die, forcing Maya to face off against Eli’s loan shark. Jonah offers a nice respite from her troubles but when an old acquaintance warns of danger lurking shortly before turning up dead, Jonah is implicated in his murder. (way too much in that sentence. an acquaintance of who?. As written the danger turned up dead. ) Maya is left questioning Jonah’s identity and intentions.

With his cover blown, Jonah struggles to keep one final secret from Maya. Eli is still alive and working with Jonah on a covert mission to capture the loan shark (that seems a long way from finding who killed his sister and stole money.) who has been threatening Maya's life. But when Lily is kidnapped, it will take all three of them to save her. Seeking vengenge is easy. Finding redemption for their sins is a hell of a lot harder.

You have six characters in this query, that's too many.


glj
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Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS - Edited

Post by glj » March 16th, 2011, 5:43 pm

I think the third sentence of paragraph 1 is too indirect, and it is hard to tell who is the subject of the sentence.

When the Feds call it case closed in his sister’s death, FBI agent Jonah White is hell-bent on tracking down her stolen inheritance. Too bad Eli Savantes, con artist of the rich and lonely, has already been bagged and tagged. Working undercover to wine and dine Eli’s widow, and steal back the money, should be as easy as offering her a shoulder to cry on and a bed to warm. Or so he thinks . . . but Maya Savantes is no grieving widow.
Suggestion: Jonah thinks that going undercover to wine and dine Eli's widow and stealing back his sister's money will be easy--as easy as offering her a shoulder to cry on and a bed to warm. But Maya Savantes is no grieving widow.

I'm not sure about "and a bed to warm". Do you mean "and a warm bed"? As is, sounds more like a task for Maya to perform.

brandileigh2003
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Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS - Edited

Post by brandileigh2003 » March 16th, 2011, 6:30 pm

I like your edited version of the 1st. It has voice and shows the conflict and plot.

enewmeyer
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Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS - Edited

Post by enewmeyer » March 17th, 2011, 1:19 am

I tried to fix all the issues you all pointed out. I have 5 or 6 characters mentioned because of the importance of Eli and the loan shark to the suspence part of the storyline. The kidnapping catapults everyone into the final showdown where Maya discovers Eli's existance just as he is dying and chooses to forgive him for his sins. I just can't figure out any other way to tell the story without mentioning each of these key people and events. Any ideas?

***
When the Feds call it case closed in his sister’s death, FBI agent Jonah White is hell-bent on tracking down her stolen inheritance. Too bad Eli Savantes, con artist of the rich and lonely, has already been bagged and tagged. With his sister’s killer out of the way, Jonah goes undercover to wine and dine Eli’s widow, and steal back the money. It should be as easy as offering her a shoulder to cry on and a bed to keep warm. But Maya Savantes is no grieving widow.

Burying her husband should signal the start of a better life for Maya and her daughter, Lily, but it is anything but. Her husband’s life might be over, but his illicit past refuses to die, forcing Maya to face off against Eli’s loan shark. Jonah offers a nice respite from her troubles. When Maya’s acquaintance warns of danger shortly before turning up dead, Jonah is the prime suspect in the murder. Maya is left questioning Jonah’s identity and intentions.

With his cover blown, Jonah struggles to keep one final secret from Maya. Eli is still alive and working with Jonah on a covert mission to capture the loan shark – the real killer - who has been threatening Maya's life. But when Lily is kidnapped, it will take all three of them to save her. Seeking vengeance is easy. Finding redemption for their sins is a hell of a lot harder.

Collectonian
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Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS - Edited

Post by Collectonian » March 17th, 2011, 10:03 am

I think your new version is much better. For wanting to include all the characters, remember the query doesn't need to give the final event, it just needs to entice them to read to find out what happened. :-) I did leave me with questions, though....if he is an FBI agent, why is he trying to steal back the money? Wouldn't that cost him his career?
When the Feds call it case closed in his sister’s death, FBI agent Jonah White is hell-bent on tracking down her stolen inheritance.I've seen some agents note they dislike it when the query starts with "When the..." so maybe look at ways to reword this sentence. And how does he know her inheritance was stolen? Too bad Eli Savantes, con artist of the rich and lonely, has already been bagged and tagged. With his sister’s killer out of the way,First he was looking for her missing money, but now Eli is also her killer? Jonah goes undercover to wine and dine Eli’s widow, and steal back the money. It should be as easy as offering her a shoulder to cry on and a bed to keep warm, but Maya Savantes is no grieving widow.

Burying her husband should signal the start of a better life for Maya and her daughter, Lily, but it is anything but. Her husband’s life might be over, but his illicit past refuses to die,I'd combine the first two sentneces, then make this a separate sentence. forcing Maya to face off against Eli’s loan shark. Jonahbut who is he to her? above we know he wants his sister money back, but who does she think he is offers a nice respite from her troubles. When Maya’s acquaintance warns of danger shortly before turning up dead, Jonah is the prime suspect in the murder. Maya is left questioning Jonah’s identity and intentions.I'd combine the last two sentences, and again drop the "when" start...no idea why those are disliked, but they seem to be :-)

With his cover blown, Jonah struggles to keep one final secret from Maya. Eli is still alive and working with Jonah on a covert mission to capture the loan shark –the real killerpresuming his sister's real killer? - who has been threatening Maya's life.I'd recommend striking the marked through stuff, keep it simple and avoid revealing the "real killer" But when Lily is kidnapped, it will take all three of them to save her. I think you can safely drop the part about the daughter being kidnapped and her name in the query, leave some suspense for the novel :-) Seeking vengeance is easy. Finding redemption for their sins is a hell of a lot harder.I like this ending bit

enewmeyer
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Re: Query: REDEMPTION FOR LIARS - Edited

Post by enewmeyer » July 7th, 2011, 8:11 pm

Here is the final (I promise) version of this query letter. What do y'all think?

****

Dear Agent of My Dreams,

Jonah’s new girlfriend, the prime suspect in his undercover investigation, just buried her deadbeat husband. Or so she thought.

FBI Agent Jonah White just threw away a promising career to find justice for his sister’s murder. But with the suspected killer already six feet under, he’ll wine and dine the grieving widow, Maya Savantes, to recover his sister’s missing inheritance. Working undercover is never easy, but falling in love with Maya, a possible accomplice to murder, definitely wasn’t part of the plan. As Jonah delves deeper into Maya’s life, he discovers two things: 1) there’s a pissed off, trigger happy loan shark who assumes Maya has the fifty grand her husband stole – the very same money Jonah’s been searching for, and 2) Maya’s husband isn’t so dead after all.

REDEMPTION FOR LIARS (75,000 words) is a romantic suspense novel set in Hill’s Creek, Texas, a fictitious town where the kinfolk like their secrets the way they like their steaks; big and juicy. I’m a Romance Writers of America member and was a finalist in the 2011 Dixie First Chapter contest for the first chapter of this novel.

Thank you for considering my book for representation.

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