Post
by glj » March 2nd, 2011, 6:18 pm
This has promise. I like the way this is going, what it partially reveals, but I think it could be stronger. Seems to lack enough detail for me to grasp the looming conflict for Sam. The most I can make out of this is that: a) Sam has medical/mental problems, b) somehow Sam is being pressured into joining the mob, and c) the girl he likes might be in danger and he doesn't think he can help her. All three are the beginnings of a compelling query. Yet they seem unrelated.
Sam Oliveira can barely make it through a day without gut-wrenching visions. Glimpsing natural disasters and terrorist attacks leaves him with a pounding migraine and his head in the toilet, but he accepts that no seventeen-year-old can stop those things before they happen. For me, this paragraph would work better if it made clear that what he sees is in the future, and so I would assume part of Sam's dilemma is figuring out HOW he could prevent horrible things from happening. But I had a little trouble understanding whether he was seeing bad things happening in the present or in the future. In addition to these visions making him physically ill, wouldn't they wear on his psyche? Bringing this out could add more sympathy for poor Sam-the struggling hero who must overcome pain, self doubt, weird dreams, and most likely skepticism of others in order to defeat the bad guys.
I kinda wanted you to tell me immediately that Sam is only seventeen. It changes how I would view the story if I know that he doesn't have that much life experience to aid him in dealing with such a trauma-causing gift. "Seventeen-year-old Sam Oliveira ..."
Why does being seventeen mean he can't do anything? Isn't it really that these visions just aren't enough information for him to influence future events? Or, in addition, is it that people won't listen to a teenager? I hope it's not the last, as that is too easy and too cheap. If a local pierced, tattooed, crack-smoking high school dropout predicted a major disaster and was right, I suspect people would quickly pay attention. The first warning would be the only ignored warning.
When his latest nightmare reveals the murder This wording seems awkward to me. "Reveals" throws me off. In his nightmare, he watches her be murdered, right? It lacks impact. It is an odd way to talk of a horrible event. Why not something more "When his latest nightmare is a vision of the drawn-out death of Gabby Wilkins, the girl he has a crush on, ..."?? of his crush, Gabby Wilkins, Sam knows he can’t wait and do nothing. Redundant wording. And passive. "Sam must do something." Problem is, Sam’s only getting flashes—wild images of her being beaten, broken, and submerged in water. He can't stop the horrible visions, yet they don't give him enough information to do anything. If he could learn to control his precognition, he might be able to protect her.
The two people who can help Sam—an uncle with a murderous agenda of his own and a cartel boss who wants Sam's gifts for his business—are major players in the drug war Sam’s spent his life avoiding. Nice dilemma to subject Sam to, but kinda dropped in at the last second. How do the uncle and the cartel boss tie in with the potential murder of the girl? And how would Sam's joining the mob help him save Gabby? They seem unrelated, as it stands. Do any of his visions make Sam think that joining the mob would help save Abby? Neither are appealing options, but time is slipping away and Sam is desperate.
SAW IT COMING is a YA Paranormal Romance complete at 63,000 words. Nice title. Many stories have titles that seem unrelated, or at least don't seem related in the posted query. Now, can you work it in at least once? It could add impact. Just a thought.