Post
by glj » February 22nd, 2011, 12:54 am
Hello Gao,
I still feel that you are focusing too much on the beginning of your story. If the sorceress appears in chapter 4, then it doesn't seem like Paul's interaction with her is really the main conflict. The problem with a query template that says "discuss events up through chapter 4" is when you have 80 chapters. It doesn't begin to tell us the heart of the story.
Paul Neilsson is at the end of his rope quite literally. He has been hung from a post by the Banshee—a demonic being who hadsnatched him from death’s door cliche for purposes of her own. His body was to "was to" is passive wording. labor in her mines, his soul was for her to drink dry "for her to drink dry" is also awkward and passive of every scrap of fear that could be wrung from it. Now he is being sentenced for acting upon the last ounce of defiance he had been able to muster, a fate that would make all that had come before—a life filled with failure followed by slavery on an alien world—pale in comparison. Vague and doesn't give a sense of the action Helplesslyawaiting his fate, everything is changed by the suddenarrival of a giant sorceress driving a monster-drawn wagon. Her name is Dawn Maybe this is just me, but the name "Dawn" doesn't really inspire fear or respect. Seems more like a name for a cheerleader. and she will save him, but her price is that he will serve as her slave instead. Again, this seems to be more like a report of past events, and doesn't make me feel like I am "seeing" the story unfold. Yes, it is hard to write a query that feels active, that makes the reader feel as if he/she is there, experiencing events. But this reads like an author summarizing a story. And there is no excitement in that.
So begins Paul’s sojourn through a kaleidoscope of worlds, sought after and claimed by monsters both human and alien, as well as powers that approach the divine. Along the way he becomes servant, traitor, victim and savior each in turn. Helped by the magic of his new Mistress—a being of immense power and compassion, but even greater mystery--even his body remakes itself to fit the changes taking place in his soul. This is you the author talking about what you think of your book. It has little to do with your plot. It gives me no sense of the conflict. The changes to Paul are far more interesting. What changes does he experience? Surely these changes allow him to sieze control over his own destiny, right? THIS is your main conflict, right here. And I have no idea what it is.
As Paul strives to answer the questions posed by this fresh chance at life, he finds himself thrust unknowingly into struggles that will affect the fate of millions and the future of worlds. But the greatest enemy he faces during his travels comes not from outside, but from within. And in the end he learns that it is only when you surrender your life that you find it. This hints at some dramatic conflict, but doesn't do more than hint. How does he surrender his life? How does he then find it?
No, you don't need to reveal the ending. But you do need to show us the main conflict. This feels like a couple of minor conflicts Paul experiences before arriving at the main conflict. To summarize: Paul has a shitty life, tries to kill himself, is pulled into another world by evil banshee, then is saved by sorceress who also abuses him, but also heals him and maybe gives him some powers. Then you stop. You stop just as you are starting to get into interesting stuff. How does Paul escape the sorceress? Does he go back and stomp the banshee out of existence?
Am I feeling compelled to read on? No. I am beginning to wonder if there is any big conflict. Maybe Paul just wanders around, going from scene to scene, until the book ends. I hope not. But you have not convinced me otherwise. And I so want there to be a grand, epic conflict between a new and powerful Paul and the people/creatures who have treated him so poorly. You have created some empathy for Paul. Give us a hint, a promise, that he is going to make good with his new powers.
