MEMOIRS OF DANIEL: THE FALLEN (Fantasy)

[Jessi Heinrich]

Ruthless = my bff. :)

Dear Specific Agent:

Nestled secretly among humans, a race known as Celestia are at the peak of an epic battle for control of the human dominion. As the Fallen brethren attempt to create more bodies for their army, the Angels try to protect themselves and the humans they serve. The burden of saving human souls rests with Daniel, who has spent his entire existence watching his brothers Fall to temptation. While trying to maintain his righteousness, Daniel teeters between his inherent compassion and the greed and violence that tear his race - his family - apart.

Souls ascend to Araboth courtesy of Daniel's ability to harbor the physical pain of their sins. He resents them for the way they live their lives and the battering his body and mind receive from their tarnished souls. Still, he doesn't stop protecting them. There's one in a billion that is worth all he has to endure. Her name is Eileen and her ascension destroys the barriers Daniel has built since the inception of life. He begins to Fall in love with her.

But, love for an Angel isn't heavenly. It's dangerous. Every Angel that's been in love has Fallen.

As Daniel bears witness to the tragic downward spiral of his closest, love-struck brother, his need to protect Eileen will thrust him down a path that was created before his existence began. He travels through worlds filled with infinite possibilities and devastating realities. This patron to humans may not be able to hold onto his pure spirit while the threat of war and loss leave him filled with pain, contempt and confusion.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to introduce my 82,000 word novel, Memoirs of Daniel: The Fallen. This story has the potential to become a series, though the first book can stand alone. I appreciate your consideration for representation and look forward to hearing from you.

[chris13]

Hi,

Just some quick comments.... I like the story, but I believe the query is more of a synopsis. You mention a lot of major issues, like the war, but don't give further details.

Your 3rd graf...."Love for an angel....." would be a cool way to start.

I know how difficult it is to distill a world into a few sentences, but how about concentrating on Daniel and Eileen alone? What does he want, and why? What does he have to do to accomplish it (his choices). What are the stakes if he fails?

If you could give some examples of him Falling, protecting the humans, etc.--that would make him more real. What could happen if he Falls? Who is Eileen, and why does he Fall for her? What about the brother? Why has Daniel watched others and not Fallen himself? In other words, I want to know more about him!

good luck!

[lyndoncr]

Nestled secretly among humans, a race known as Celestia are at the peak of an epic battle for control of the human dominion. As the Fallen brethren attempt to create more bodies for their army, the Angels try to protect themselves and the humans they serve. The burden of saving human souls rests with Daniel, who has spent his entire existence watching his brothers Fall to temptation. While trying to maintain his righteousness, Daniel teeters between his inherent compassion and the greed and violence that tear his race - his family - apart.

This first paragraph confused me a little in regards to who/what everyone/thing was.
I'm guessing there are ... 4 groups present here?
Humans
Celestia
Fallen Brethren
Angels

Unless Celestia are the fallen brethren themselves? ... or are they Angels?
There's also no indication which of the possibly four different races Daniel falls in to.


I'm not sure exactly what Daniel needs to do throughout the book, it reads like he's just falling through a bunch of stuff that's happening around him. What I mean is that it doesn't seem like it really matters what he does.
I have a very similar problem in my own query I think, getting across why this particular character is important, what his choices are, and why he's the only one that can do it.

[gilesth]

I have to agree with chris13. It feels like a synopsis. Sound fascinating, but this letter is wordy. Try to cut the word count in half, focus on the most important plot points, and then show us what they are :)

You put in a lot of work, and I'd request pages based on what I read here (if I was an agent), but I don't know if other agents would.

[daisiem]

I hope you don't mind my two cents. I was intrigued by the story, but there were a couple areas that were confusing. I realize it is complicated to summarize a fantasy story when there are so many new elements introduced.

Ruthless = my bff. :)

Dear Specific Agent:

Nestled secretly among humans, a race known as Celestia are at the peak of an epic battle for control of the human dominion. As the Fallen brethren attempt to create more bodies for their army,You might want to explain who the Fallen Bretheren the Angels try to protect themselves and the humans they serve. The burden of saving human souls rests with Daniel, who has spent his entire existence watching his brothers Fall to temptation what types of temptation?. While trying to maintain his righteousness, Daniel teeters between his inherent compassion and the greed and violence that tear his race - his family - apart.

Souls ascend to Araboth courtesy of Daniel's ability to harbor the physical pain of their sins.Please explain what Araboth is He resents them for the way they live their lives and the battering his body and mind receive from their tarnished souls. Still, he doesn't stop protecting them. There's one in a billion that is worth all he has to endure. Her name is Eileen and her ascension destroys the barriers Daniel has built since the inception of life. He begins to Fall in love with her.

But, love for an Angel isn't heavenly. It's dangerous. Every Angel that's been in love has Fallen. I like this!

As Daniel bears witness to the tragic downward spiral of his closest, love-struck brother, his need to protect Eileen will thrust him down a path that was created before his existence began. He travels through worlds filled with infinite possibilities and devastating realities. This patron to humans may not be able to hold onto his pure spirit while the threat of war and loss leave him filled with pain, contempt and confusion.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to introduce my 82,000 word novel, Memoirs of Daniel: The Fallen. This story has the potential to become a series, though the first book can stand alone. I appreciate your consideration for representation and look forward to hearing from you.

[Jessi Heinrich]

You are all so fantastic! Thank you so much for your opinions, critique and help! I'm so sorry that it took so long to get back to you all - things have been bloody busy since the chaos of Christmas and the NY brings a massive to-do list! :)

I have revised the letter as best as I can, to try and get the points I feel are important across. I know that it's wordy, though I have no idea where I can chop it down. I did take out a few things and tried to clarify where I could... Hoping that this second version is better than the first.


Dear x,

Nestled secretly among humans, the Angels and the Fallen are at the peak of an epic battle for control of the human dominion. As the Fallen brethren attempt to create more bodies for their army, the Angels try to protect themselves and the humans they serve. The burden of saving human souls rests with Daniel, who has spent his entire existence watching his brothers Fall to the temptation of power, lust and greed. While trying to maintain his righteousness, Daniel teeters between his inherent compassion and the greed and violence that tear his race - his family - apart.

Souls ascend courtesy of Daniel's ability to harbor the physical pain of their sins. He resents them for the way they live their lives and the battering his body and mind receive from their tarnished souls. There's one in a billion that is worth all he has to endure. Her name is Eileen and her ascension begins to destroy the barriers Daniel has built since the inception of life. He begins to fall in love with her.

But, love for an Angel isn't heavenly. It's dangerous. Every Angel that's been in love has Fallen.

As Daniel bears witness to the tragic downward spiral of his closest, love-struck brother, his need to protect Eileen will thrust him down a path that was created before his existence began. This patron to humans may not be able to hold onto his pure spirit while the threat of war and loss leave him filled with pain, contempt and confusion.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to introduce my 82,000 word novel, Memoirs of Daniel: The Fallen. This story has the potential to become a series, though the first book can stand alone.

Pasted below are the first five pages of the novel. I appreciate your consideration for representation and look forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully,

Jessi Heinrich

[allegedauthor]

The only thing I would worry about is the fact that part of your title is The Fallen (like Fallen by Lauren Kate) and a main character is named Daniel (I believe this is the main angel in Fallen but I could be mistaken). Since it is on a similar topic, IMO, you may want to either change the title or character name so agents don't immediately make a connection between the two. I love the idea though!