CALL US LEGION YA Paranormal Thriller revision#2 below

[daisiem]

I have started querying and have received several rejections and one partial request. I am afraid my query may be a bit confusing. The problem is that the plot is complicated with a few twists. I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks so much.

Dear Agent,

“Bram Mathers, you are a multi-possessor. You have the ability to gain great power, but that power comes at a price. The human brain is fragile. With each possession, you risk the further destruction of your mind.”

Bram Mathers’ trouble-free life shatters when he is possessed by a friendly and amiable spirit who died during World War II. Bram’s problems intensify when he again is possessed, this time by a shrewd and devious spirit. Bram is abruptly thrown into a dangerous world where people are prepared to betray and kill in order to gain power.

After Bram becomes possessed, he travels to Portland, Oregon. There he visits the Alliance, a safe haven for those who are possessed by uncorrupted souls. At the Alliance, Bram trains to control his new psychic powers which include both enhanced strength and the ability to heal others. While struggling to survive in this dangerous new life, Bram must face the continuing mental damage caused by several more possessions.

Bram doesn’t realize that his brother, Nathan, is also possessed by a corrupt spirit. Nathan occasionally drugs Bram in order to gain information about the Alliance from Bram’s devious possessor. Though the Alliance knows that someone is leaking information to the enemy, no one realizes that the betrayer is actually Bram.

Bram’s adventures drag him through the streets of Portland’s Old Town and its infamous underground Shanghai tunnels. Here Bram desperately fights to keep his sanity while attempting to save his friends from Nathan’s treachery. The question is can he protect them from both that which is dangerous on the outside, and that which is evil within himself?

Like Bram Mathers, Laurie Muench is reticent and shy about introducing herself, especially when there is nothing essential to disclose. She would much rather spend her time discussing Bram’s troubled life which is far more engaging and exciting.

CALL US LEGION is a Young-Adult paranormal thriller complete at 93,000 words. I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Watcher55]

Dear Agent,

“Bram Mathers, you are a multi-possessor. You have the ability to gain great power, but that power comes at a price. The human brain is fragile. With each possession, you risk the further destruction of your mind.” I don't think it's a good idea to include quotes from the work. Let your style show in the query itself.

Bram Mathers’ trouble-free life shatters when he is possessed by a friendly and amiable spirit who died during World War II. Bram’s problems intensify when he again is possessed, this time by a shrewd and devious spirit. Bram is abruptly thrown into a dangerous world where people are prepared to betray and kill in order to gain power. Starting with paragraph, you use Bram's name 14 times. It's a bit distracting.

After Bram becomes possessed, he travels to Portland, Oregon. There he visits the Alliance, a safe haven for those who are possessed by uncorrupted souls. At the Alliance, Bram trains to control his new psychic powers which include both enhanced strength and the ability to heal others. While struggling to survive in this dangerous new life, Bram must face the continuing mental damage caused by several more possessions.

Bram doesn’t realize that his brother, Nathan, is also possessed by a corrupt spirit. Nathan occasionally drugs Bram in order to gain information about the Alliance from Bram’s devious possessor. Though the Alliance knows that someone is leaking information to the enemy, no one realizes that the betrayer is actually Bram.

Bram’s adventures drag him through the streets of Portland’s Old Town and its infamous underground Shanghai tunnels. Here Bram desperately fights to keep his sanity while attempting to save his friends from Nathan’s treachery. The question is can he protect them from both that which is dangerous on the outside, and that which is evil within himself?

Like Bram Mathers, Laurie Muench is reticent and shy about introducing herself, especially when there is nothing essential to disclose. She would much rather spend her time discussing Bram’s troubled life which is far more engaging and exciting.

CALL US LEGION is a Young-Adult paranormal thriller complete at 93,000 words. I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

You have a alot of good stuff here, but I wonder if that's a good thing. It looks like you're trying to tell as much of the story (93k words) as you can in 337 words. Try stripping the plot down to the Protagonist, antagonist and the conflict. Leave the other characters and the story line for the synopsis (if the agent requests one). Keep it simple and do your best writing.

http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/08 ... etter.html Nathan's post. make sure you look at the related posts as well (especially the "query mad-lib")

viewtopic.php?f=7&t=2957 You might find this thread helpful as well.

[daisiem]

Thanks for the help. I didn't realize how often I mentioned Bram's name until you commented on it. Good heavens, when read aloud it sounds even more distracting.

I will work on the simplification. I can't tell you how much of the plot is already pared down, it's starting to not even resemble the actual novel. I didn't know how much needed to be explained about the possessions in order for the plot to make sense. Also, since I basically don't have any prior publication experience, I thought an agent might want to hear more about the story.

Should I cut out the setting taking place in Portland's oldtown and underground tunnels? I thought it might be interesting, but if it only bogs down the plot, I can remove it.
Thanks,
Laurie

[Krista G.]

Dear Agent,

“Bram Mathers, you are a multi-possessor. You have the ability to gain great power, but that power comes at a price. The human brain is fragile. With each possession, you risk the further destruction of your mind.” I agree with Watcher that this paragraph isn't doing much for you.

Bram Mathers’ trouble-free life shatters when he is possessed by a friendly and amiable spirit who died during World War II. Not sure how much relevance the phrase "who died during World War II" has. You could easily cut those words. Bram’s problems intensify when he again is possessed, this time by a shrewd and devious spirit. Bram is abruptly thrown into a dangerous world where people are prepared to betray and kill in order to gain power.

After Bram becomes possessed, he travels to Portland, Oregon. I think you can come up with a better transition than "After Bram becomes possessed." You might try using that introductory clause to explain why he goes to Portland. There he visits the Alliance, a safe haven for those who are possessed by uncorrupted souls. At the Alliance, Bram trains to control his new psychic powers, which include both enhanced strength and the ability to heal others. While struggling to survive in this dangerous new life, Bram must face the continuing mental damage caused by several more possessions.

Bram doesn’t realize that his brother, Nathan, is also possessed by a corrupt spirit. Where'd this brother come from? Nathan occasionally drugs Bram in order to gain information about the Alliance from Bram’s devious possessor. Though the Alliance knows that someone is leaking information to the enemy, no one realizes that the betrayer is actually Bram. I think you could be a little more specific here. What information is he leaking, and how does it endanger the Alliance? Answering those questions will help establish the stakes a little more clearly.

Bram’s adventures drag him through the streets of Portland’s Old Town and its infamous underground Shanghai tunnels. These phrases paint a nice picture, but they seem a little out of place to me. Seems like setting details should have come sooner than this. Here Bram desperately fights to keep his sanity while attempting to save his friends from Nathan’s treachery. I wish we had a little more transition between this paragraph and the last. How does he end up in the tunnels fighting to keep his sanity? And is that the main conflict here, or is it trying to keep the Alliance safe? The question is can he protect them from both that which is dangerous on the outside, and that which is evil within himself?

Like Bram Mathers, Laurie Muench is reticent and shy about introducing herself, especially when there is nothing essential to disclose. She would much rather spend her time discussing Bram’s troubled life which is far more engaging and exciting. I'd strike this entire paragraph. The last one felt like a wrap-up, so this feels tacked on. If you feel like you need to mention Laurie (and I'm not convinced you do, based on what you've given us so far), we need to hear about her much earlier and how she relates to the main plot.

CALL US LEGION is a Young-Adult paranormal thriller complete at 93,000 words. I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. Great title, and a perfect way to end the query. However, I'm a little surprised that this is YA. The tone doesn't sound YA, and I'm wondering how a teenager manages to get himself to Oregon without having to involve parents or legal guardians.

The story here sounds intriguing, and I'm not surprised you've gotten a request. I feel like you could get a lot more, though, if you streamline this and give us a clearer sense of the forward-moving plot and the stakes of the novel (i.e., what's the bad stuff that will happen if Bram fails). Also, you might try infusing this with more of Bram's character and voice. I don't get a sense of what Bram is like or how he feels about all these crazy things that are happening to him, and yet he's the thing that's going to keep us reading. You can get away with a lot of less-polished writing so long as your MC is interesting and sympathetic to the reader, so you need to make us care about him right away.

[daisiem]

Thanks everyone for the really useful criticism. I appreciate everything that has been said. I will mess around with my query for awhile trying to portray more of Bram's character and conflicts.
Thanks again! You guys are wonderful.
Laurie

[daisiem]

Okay, ended up rewriting most of it. Please let me know if this makes everything clearer, or just adds to the confusion.
Thanks!

Dear Agent,

Seventeen-year-old Bram Mathers is an expert at controlling his emotions. He has plenty of experience; he recently lost half his family in a car wreck. But when Bram suddenly becomes possessed by a good-natured spirit, his composure begins to show some cracks. Bram’s problems intensify when he again is possessed, this time by a shrewd and wicked spirit. He is abruptly thrown into a chaotic world where people are prepared to betray and kill in order to gain power.

Under the pretense of going off to college, Bram moves to Portland, Oregon. There he stays at the Alliance, a safe haven for those who are possessed by uncorrupted souls. Bram soon learns that those possessed by more than one spirit usually become insane. However, the Alliance’s priest contrives a way to help minimize the damage inflicted on Bram’s mind by suppressing the evil spirit inside Bram.

At the Alliance, Bram trains to control his new psychic powers that accompanied his possessions. Tragically, Bram endures two more possessions. Though Bram’s powers are increased by the number of possessors, his already fragile mind progressively becomes unstable.

News of Bram’s incredible abilities begins to spread among those possessed by power-hungry spirits. The evil spirit inside of Bram takes advantage of an opportune moment and leaks information about Bram and the Alliance to these individuals. Bram finds himself desperately clinging to what is left of his sanity while attempting to save his friends from those bent on discovering the source of his powers.

Bram’s mind finally snaps when the girl he loves possesses him. She is killed by men who attack the Alliance trying to find out more about Bram’s powerful abilities. No longer able to control the erratic emotions of despair and rage flowing within him, Bram sets forth to unleash his terrible power upon his enemies and save what remains of his now beloved Alliance. The question is can he protect them from both that which is dangerous on the outside, and that which is perilously evil within?

CALL US LEGION is a Young-Adult paranormal thriller complete at 93,000 words. I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[historyjunkie]

Dear Writer - Your book sounds really good! Your first query made me want to read it more than the revised query but both seem too involved with too much information and too long for a busy agent to read. What about something shorter, like this?

Seventeen-year-old Bram Mathers is an expert at controlling his emotions, but nothing could have prepared him for the day a friendly spirit entered his body – nor could he have predicted that an evil spirit would follow close behind! Thrown into a chaotic world where spirits turn people into power hungry demons, Bram seeks refuge at The Alliance, a safe haven for individuals possessed by other worldly forces.

Fearing the spirits will rob Bram of his sanity, an Alliance priest contrives a method of minimizing the mental damage inflicted upon Bram's mind while teaching him to use the psychic powers that come with possession. Bram’s progress is hindered when he becomes the target of further possessions and discovers that, in the contorted world of spirits, his brother is his arch enemy!

As Bram begins to master his new powers, the underworld rises up and unites to destroy The Alliance. Bram tenaciously fights to maintain his sanity and save The Alliance, but when evil spirits threaten the girl he loves, Bram snaps.

No longer able to control the erratic emotions of despair and rage flowing within him. Bram sets forth to unleash his terrible power upon his enemies and save what remains of his now beloved Alliance. The question is - can he protect them from external danger and internal evils?

It is just an idea and wholly based on what you wrote, just pared down. Best of luck!

[daisiem]

Thanks, I appreciate the help. I will try and condense more. I like a lot of the ideas you wrote. Some of them won't work because the plot isn't quite the same. There are other major characters involved that I haven't added to the summary, just because it would add more confusion. It really is a complicated plot where things are happening behind people's backs. It makes it hard to summarize. This is good for me because the first time someone even asked me what the novel was about I just stared at them blankly. Well, back to the drawing board. I hope you don't mind if I utilize yet reword some of the things you wrote. I am grateful for the help.
Laurie

Dear Writer - Your book sounds really good! Your first query made me want to read it more than the revised query but both seem too involved with too much information and too long for a busy agent to read. What about something shorter, like this?

Seventeen-year-old Bram Mathers is an expert at controlling his emotions, but nothing could have prepared him for the day a friendly spirit entered his body – nor could he have predicted that an evil spirit would follow close behind! Thrown into a chaotic world where spirits turn people into power hungry demons, Bram seeks refuge at The Alliance, a safe haven for individuals possessed by other worldly forces.

Fearing the spirits will rob Bram of his sanity, an Alliance priest contrives a method of minimizing the mental damage inflicted upon Bram's mind while teaching him to use the psychic powers that come with possession. Bram’s progress is hindered when he becomes the target of further possessions and discovers that, in the contorted world of spirits, his brother is his arch enemy!

As Bram begins to master his new powers, the underworld rises up and unites to destroy The Alliance. Bram tenaciously fights to maintain his sanity and save The Alliance, but when evil spirits threaten the girl he loves, Bram snaps.

No longer able to control the erratic emotions of despair and rage flowing within him. Bram sets forth to unleash his terrible power upon his enemies and save what remains of his now beloved Alliance. The question is - can he protect them from external danger and internal evils?

It is just an idea and wholly based on what you wrote, just pared down. Best of luck!

[historyjunkie]

Hi Laurie - Of course use any ideas that work - I actually did not mean to re-write it, but it was my first posting/reply and I could not figure out how to red line and make comments - Best of luck. Melissa

[Krista G.]

Dear Agent,

Seventeen-year-old Bram Mathers is an expert at controlling his emotions. He has plenty of experience; he recently lost half his family in a car wreck. But when Bram suddenly becomes possessed by a good-natured spirit a good-natured spirit possesses him (I changed this just because "Bram suddenly becomes possessed by a good-natured spirit" is more passive than it needs to be), his composure begins to show shows some cracks. Bram’s problems intensify when he again is possessed, this time by a shrewd and wicked spirit. He is abruptly thrown into a chaotic world where people are prepared to betray and kill in order to gain power.

Under the pretense of going off to college, Bram moves to Portland, Oregon. There he stays at the Alliance, a safe haven for those who are possessed by uncorrupted souls. Bram soon learns that those possessed by more than one spirit usually become insane. However, the Alliance’s priest contrives a way to help minimize the damage inflicted on Bram’s mind by suppressing the evil spirit inside Bram.

At the Alliance, Bram trains to control his new psychic powers that accompanied his possessions. Tragically, Bram endures two more possessions. "Tragically" jerks me out of Bram's perspective. It sounds like something someone would say about him, not something he would say about himself. Though Bram’s powers are increased by the number of possessors the number of possessors increases Bram's powers (again, just switching from passive to active voice), his already fragile mind progressively becomes unstable.

News of Bram’s incredible abilities begins to spread among those possessed by power-hungry spirits. The evil spirit inside of Bram takes advantage of an opportune moment and leaks information about Bram and the Alliance to these individuals. Bram finds himself desperately clinging to what is left of his sanity while attempting to save his friends from those bent on discovering the source of his powers.

Bram’s mind finally snaps when the girl he loves possesses him. I'm confused by this. Is he in love with a dead person? If that's the case, we need to know about that before now (or else you could cut out this entire subplot from the query). She is killed by men who attack the Alliance trying to find out more about Bram’s powerful abilities. No longer able to control the erratic emotions of despair and rage flowing within him, Bram sets forth to unleash unleashes his terrible power upon his enemies and save what remains of his now beloved Alliance. The question is can he protect them from both that which is dangerous on the outside, and that which is perilously evil within?

CALL US LEGION is a Young-Adult paranormal thriller complete at 93,000 words. I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I actually like this one better, but the mention of the girl in the last paragraph still feels like an afterthought. You could probably not mention her at all (or if you do, maybe you could mention her back in the paragraph when he first gets to the Alliance).

Good luck!

[ajcattapan]

Dear Agent,

Seventeen-year-old Bram Mathers is an expert at controlling his emotions. He has had plenty of experience since he recently lost half his family in a car wreck. But when Bram suddenly becomes possessed by a good-natured spirit (I agree with Krista G about making this active voice instead of passive), his composure begins to show some cracks. (I can see how an evil spirit would ruin his composure, but I'm not sure why a good spirit would do the same.) Bram’s problems intensify when he again is possessed, this time by a shrewd and wicked spirit. He is abruptly thrown into a chaotic world where people are prepared to betray and kill in order to gain power.

Under the pretense of going off to college (I'm glad you added this--in your original version, his move to Portland seemed really random), Bram moves to Portland, Oregon. There he stays at the Alliance, a safe haven for those who are possessed by uncorrupted souls. Bram soon learns that those possessed by more than one spirit usually become insane. However, the Alliance’s priest contrives a way to help minimize the damage inflicted on Bram’s mind by suppressing the evil spirit inside Bram.

At the Alliance, Bram trains to control his new psychic powers that accompanied his possessions. Tragically, Bram endures two more possessions. Though Bram’s powers are increased by the number of possessors (again, I agree with Krista G. about using active voice), his already fragile mind progressively becomes unstable.

News of Bram’s incredible abilities begins to spread among those possessed by power-hungry spirits. The evil spirit inside of Bram takes advantage of an opportune moment and leaks information about Bram and the Alliance to these individuals. Bram finds himself desperately clinging to what is left of his sanity while attempting to save his friends from those bent on discovering the source of his powers.

Bram’s mind finally snaps when the girl he loves possesses him. She is was (?) killed by men who attack the Alliance trying to find out more about Bram’s powerful abilities. (I'm assuming she died before she possessed him.) No longer able to control the erratic emotions of despair and rage flowing within him, Bram sets forth to unleash his terrible power upon his enemies and save what remains of his now beloved Alliance. The question is can he protect them from both that which is dangerous on the outside, and that which is perilously evil within?

CALL US LEGION is a Young-Adult paranormal thriller complete at 93,000 words. I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Overall, I think this version is much better than your first. I am intrigued by what powers he acquires when he is possessed. Perhaps give an example in your query?

Best of luck to you!

[daisiem]

Sorry everyone, my house flooded over Christmas. We are stuck in a hotel for a month, so I didn't have time to do much earlier. Now it looks like I have all the time in the world. Here is a rewrite of the query. Please let me know what you think.:

Most people dread the thought of being completely alone. For multi-possessed Bram Mathers, being companionless would be a godsend.

Seventeen-year-old Bram Mathers is an expert at controlling his emotions. He’s had plenty of experience, since he recently lost half his family in a car wreck. But when two opposing spirits possess him -- one wicked, and one good -- his smooth composure begins to crack. Under the pretense of leaving for college, Bram moves to the Alliance, a safe haven for those possessed. At the Alliance, Bram trains his newly acquired psychic powers that accompanied his possessions. He also accidentally endures two more possessions. Though the number of possessors increases Bram's powers, his already fragile mind progressively becomes more unstable.

News of Bram’s exceptional abilities begins to spread among those possessed by power-hungry spirits. Seeking the answer behind Bram’s ability to gain possessors, they search to find the secretly hidden Alliance. An act of treachery by someone trusted leaves the Alliance in tatters. No longer able to control the erratic emotions of despair and rage, Bram unleashes his terrible power upon his enemies in a desperate attempt to save what remains of his now beloved Alliance. The question is can he protect them from both that which is dangerous on the outside, and that which is perilously evil within?

CALL US LEGION is a Young-Adult paranormal thriller complete at 93,000 words. I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Emily J]

Sorry everyone, my house flooded over Christmas. We are stuck in a hotel for a month, so I didn't have time to do much earlier. Now it looks like I have all the time in the world. Here is a rewrite of the query. Please let me know what you think.:

Most people dread the thought of being completely alone. For multi-possessed i might introduce this phrase with some explanation, or drop it after you talk about possession, just a thought Bram Mathers, being companionless would be a godsend. i wouldn't start with such a broad generalization in the first sentence, rephrase to make it more specific like "Bram Mathers is never alone..." something like that

Seventeen-year-old Bram Mathers is an expert at controlling his emotions. He’s had plenty of experience, since he recently lost half his family in a car wreck. <-- this family tragedy feels a bit like an ellipsis that doesn't go anywhere in this query, I would suggest dropping or tying it into the plot more But when two opposing spirits possess him -- one wicked, and one good -- his smooth composure begins to crack. not sure it works to introduce a character trait and then the next sentence about how that trait is vanishing Under the pretense of leaving for college, Bram moves to the Alliance, alliance feels a bit generic in terms of a name a safe haven for those possessed. At the Alliance, Bram trains his newly acquired psychic powers that accompanied his possessions. maybe just "that accompany possession" if that is accurate, repeating "his" He also accidentally endures two more possessions. this is a bit vague, how does one become possessed accidentally? (or at all for that matter) and does that mean his previous two possessions were on purpose? Though the number of possessors increases Bram's powers, his already fragile mind progressively becomes progressively feels unnecessary here more unstable.

News of Bram’s exceptional abilities begins to spread among those possessed by power-hungry spirits. Seeking the answer behind Bram’s ability to gain possessors, they search to find the secretly hidden secretly hidden feels redundant, why not just hidden? Alliance. An act of treachery by someone trusted <-- ack! so vague as to be almost useless! leaves the Alliance in tatters. No longer able to control the erratic emotions of despair and rage, Bram unleashes his terrible power upon his enemies who are his enemies? the antagonists are not really given shape here in a desperate attempt to save what remains of his now beloved Alliance. The question is can he protect them indefinite pronoun! from both that which is dangerous on the outside, and that which is perilously evil within? <-- i would suggest not ending in a question ( i have done it to) it can feel a bit hokey

CALL US LEGION is a Young-Adult paranormal thriller complete at 93,000 words. hmm, might be a bit long for YA, I would say 70,000- 80,000 would be an easier sell, just fyi I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I hope I was not being too harsh. I really like your premise but I do think you could describe possession and this world a bit more clearly. Also, don't worry about fitting too much plot into the query. I have heard that you only need plot up to the rising action. I would say focus more on the plot prior to the Alliance going kablooey and give us more about possession and whatever dark forces and plotting against Bram. That's just a suggestion though!

[AContos]

I'll start off by saying I'm sorry to hear about your house! I hope everything goes smoothly and you get to move back soon! Now...on to the query. I'm still struggling with my own, so the usual caveats apply.

Sorry everyone, my house flooded over Christmas. We are stuck in a hotel for a month, so I didn't have time to do much earlier. Now it looks like I have all the time in the world. Here is a rewrite of the query. Please let me know what you think.:

Most people dread the thought of being completely alone. For multi-possessed I don't know what this meansBram Mathers, being companionless would be a godsend. I would consider removing this or working it in later. Loglines, from nearly everything I've read lately, do not go over well.

Seventeen-year-old Bram Mathers is an expert at controlling his emotions. He’s had plenty of experience, since he recently lost half his family in a car wreck. But when two opposing spirits possess him -- one wicked, and one good -- his smooth composure begins to crack. Under the pretense of leaving for college, Bram moves to the Alliance, a safe haven for those possessed. At the Alliance, Bram trains his newly acquired psychic powers that accompanied his possessions. He also accidentally endures two more possessions. Though the number of possessors increases Bram's powers, his already fragile mind progressively becomes more unstable. I think I need a bit more info on how this whole possession thing works. To me, it seems like a very bad thing, but when you say he's off training his psychic powers, I tend to assume it can't be all bad. He's still functioning well enough to be able to train. Perhaps if you show how his composure begins to crack/how he becomes more unstable, it will help to give context to this internal strugge. Right now, I'm not feeling the conflict.

News of Bram’s exceptional abilities begins to spread among those possessed by power-hungry spirits. Seeking the answer behind Bram’s ability to gain possessors, they search to find the secretly hidden Alliance. An act of treachery by someone trusted leaves the Alliance in tatters.The entire sentence is vague. No longer able to control the erratic emotions of despair and rage, Bram unleashes his terrible power upon his enemies in a desperate attempt to save what remains of his now beloved Alliance. How can he save the alliance by unleashing his powers? This goes back to the vague sentence I think. Since we don't know who left the Alliance in tatters, we don't know who the enemies are or how unleashing Bram's powers are going to defeat them.The question is can he protect them from both that which is dangerous on the outside, and that which is perilously evil within?
I like the final choice, not sure I like it as a question though. Maybe bring it back to him having to summon his expertise at controlling himself in order to protect the Alliance from the danger outside and from within.
CALL US LEGION is a Young-Adult paranormal thriller complete at 93,000 words. I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think you've got a great premise with a really unique twist, you just need to clarify a bit! Good luck!
I'm no YA expert, but 93,000 seems rather long.

[Bron]

I really like this new version of the query. I would cut the first line, but that's just me. I think you're better starting off with 'Seventeen-year-old Bram...'

Apart from that, I think this is a much better version! Good luck with the querying and with recovering from the flood.