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[SSB]

F

[Juls Duncan]

Your story is interesting, but not one I would grab. That said…
I believe that your first line goes at the end of the query. I am seeking representation for CROSSING THRESHOLDS, and 82,000 word mainstream novel, I would leave out the followingtaking readers back thirty-five years.
You need a hook. The rest is OK, I think, I write fantasy. I hope this helps... Juls

[Watcher55]

For any of you who saw my earlier version, I would like to know if you think this is better or worse.


I am seeking representation for CROSSING THRESHOLDS, and 82,000 word mainstream novel, taking readers back thirty-five years. Whether this part goes at the beginning or the end of the query often depends on the agent (research preference and it's probably a good idea to include a small detail that indicates you know something about the agent in the first sentence.

Everyone looks old to 16-year-old Mary, even the young people. Maybe it's the long hair and scraggly beards of the dirty, bare-foot, shirtless dudes in 1976. Or maybe it's the sagging, braless breasts flagrantly flopping like freak flags below the rock star T-shirts of the ironed hair, glassy-eyed 1970s chicks, but Mary feels like a misfit. Lots of alliteration here. It might be fine as long as you're aware of it. I don't remember using "freak flag" in the seventies?

Her inner struggle pulls her between being the good girl her old-fashioned, conservative parents expect her to be, and the free spirit she wants to be.

The decision is made for her when she meets and falls madly in love with Robert Marchioni, a handsome 19-year-old with long hair, and a wild reputation. The elements that each contribute to the relationship create a toxic cocktail laced with rebellion and drug use.

Not long after, Mary finds out she is pregnant and seeks the advise of a friend who in turn betrays her. Fearing their families will tear them apart; Mary and Robert concoct a desperate plan to and run away. little thing but every step up is still up.

Together they go on a cross-country odyssey to California and a life of friendships, drugs, and survival she could never have imagined. Are you sure this sentence isn't a little off balance?

In accordance with your guidelines, enclosed are a synopsis and the first five pages of my novel.Snail mail - keep it Email - lose it

Much better.

<is that red thing behind you a lamp?, asked the guy who thinks he has ADD>

[SSB]

Sure is. Only it is orange. I am also a collector of Mid Century Modern furniture and accessories. Thanks for the input.

[Watcher55]

Sure is. Only it is orange. I am also a collector of Mid Century Modern furniture and accessories. Thanks for the input.

Nice. I have a banker's desk (circa 1953) in storage. Gigantic thing with the steno tray in the front. <we now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.>

[ajcattapan]

I am seeking representation for CROSSING THRESHOLDS, and 82,000 word mainstream novel, taking readers back thirty-five years. In your earlier thread, someone questioned the term mainstream. I have to agree. I don't think it's a genre term agents use. I think the term you're looking for is women's fiction, but I could be wrong.

Everyone looks old to 16-year-old Mary, even the young people. Maybe it's the long hair and scraggly beards of the dirty, bare-foot, shirtless dudes in 1976. Or maybe it's the sagging, braless breasts flagrantly floppinglike freak flagsbelow the rock star T-shirts of the ironed hair, glassy-eyed 1970s chicks, but Mary feels like a misfit. You have some great descriptions here, but it may be a few too many images crammed into one sentence. My strike-through's are merely suggestions for images that could perhaps be deleted without losing the feel of the sentence.

Her inner struggle pulls her between being the good girl her old-fashioned, conservative parents expect her to be, and the free spirit she wants to be.

The decision is made for her (It's made for her, or she makes the decision?) when she meets and falls madly in love with Robert Marchioni, a handsome 19-year-old with long hair, and a wild reputation. The elements that each contribute to the relationship create a toxic cocktail laced with rebellion and drug use.

Not long after, Mary finds out she is pregnant and seeks the advise of a friend who in turn betrays her. Fearing their families will tear them apart; Mary and Robert concoct a desperate plan to run away.

Together they go on a cross-country odyssey to California and a life of friendships, drugs, and survival she could never have imagined. I have to agree with some of your previous posters. What's the conflict here? Tell us exactly what Mary and Robert need to accomplish and what bad thing will happen if they don't succeed.

In accordance with your guidelines, enclosed are a synopsis and the first five pages of my novel.

If you haven't done so already, check out the Query Shark's blog (queryshark.blogspot.com). She's one of the agents that wants the writer to start with the hook right away and save the word count and genre for the end. Her blog is full of helpful hints about writing queries and plenty of examples of both good and bad ones.

Best of luck to you!