THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: Revision # 2

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
Mark17
Posts: 30
Joined: September 26th, 2010, 11:27 pm
Contact:

Re: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: Revision # 1

Post by Mark17 » December 18th, 2010, 9:35 am

I think the query's even better now (and it was pretty good to begin with). I like that the reasons people seem to love La Roca are superficial, it makes Valdes more likeable. I would just remove the word 'but' at the beginning of the third paragraph, 'So' at the beginning of the fourth paragraph and 'Instead' in the second to last paragraph. I'm not against using these in the work, but in the query there's no real need to start sentences with it and someone might hold it against you. The quote I kind of like, but I have definitely heard some people don't like it, you'll probably get better advice from someone else. I'm cool with the way the daughter is portrayed here because I get the feeling it's more about Valdes and La Roca and the country than her. It sounds great, I definitely want to read it. Good luck.

User avatar
Watcher55
Posts: 741
Joined: November 27th, 2010, 8:25 am
Location: Plantser-ville
Contact:

Re: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: Revision # 1

Post by Watcher55 » December 18th, 2010, 9:51 am

Mark17 wrote:I think the query's even better now (and it was pretty good to begin with). I like that the reasons people seem to love La Roca are superficial, it makes Valdes more likeable. I would just remove the word 'but' at the beginning of the third paragraph, 'So' at the beginning of the fourth paragraph and 'Instead' in the second to last paragraph. I'm not against using these in the work, but in the query there's no real need to start sentences with it and someone might hold it against you. The quote I kind of like, but I have definitely heard some people don't like it, you'll probably get better advice from someone else. I'm cool with the way the daughter is portrayed here because I get the feeling it's more about Valdes and La Roca and the country than her. It sounds great, I definitely want to read it. Good luck.
yep.

fishfood
Posts: 63
Joined: September 22nd, 2010, 10:31 pm
Contact:

Re: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: lit fiction query

Post by fishfood » December 21st, 2010, 9:46 pm

Inglory wrote:REVISION 1

Thanks again, everyone, for your fantastic advice. I've tried to take everything you've said into account without losing the tone or bloating the query. Is this an improvement?

-----

"People's memories are short. And life is so damn long." Most agents would say don't use a quotation from your novel.
Fifty years ago Ángel Valdés co-led the revolution that made him president of the Caribbean island of Zamora. Now he wants only to die in peace, leaving a stable country to his daughter - and an indelible mark on history.

But as the country prepares to celebrate a big anniversary, Ángel worries that his dead comrade Juan La Roca has eclipsed him as Zamora's greatest hero. La Roca, whodied young and handsome, andignorant of the hard realities of leadership.

So Ángel forges evidence exposing La Roca as a traitor, tears down his statues, and bans the mention of his name.

An outcry follows. Ángel sees this as proof of his people's ingratitude and refuses to retract. Instead, he takes increasingly brutal measures to silence his critics, pushing his country to the brink of civil war. But when his daughter steps into the firing line, Ángel has to decide how much he's prepared to pay for a final shot at glory.

THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA is a literary thriller complete at 71,000 words.

-----

I'm thinking of changing the name of the island from Zamora because a couple of people thought it gave the story a sci-fi feel. And the last thing I need is another genre!
Except for my nitpicking above, I think it's great as it is. I suppose like one reader mentioned you could talk about what exactly the daughter does to put herself into the firing line. It might make the query more intriguing, but even if you didn't change a thing, I think you'd get plenty of requests! Good luck. Let us know your progress!

glj
Posts: 109
Joined: September 29th, 2010, 11:23 am
Contact:

Re: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: Revision # 1

Post by glj » December 23rd, 2010, 10:40 am

Hello. I like this, too. It is short and too the point. But I feel it could create more tension. One idea is to show (or at least hint at) the sacrifices that Angel made during the revolution, to explain why he is jealous of his reputation. And to make the reader sympathetic to Angel.

This query suggests that Juan deserves the credit (Angel forges evidence). Can Angel validly feel that he did more and Juan is getting credit for things Juan did not do? Does Angel have injuries from the revolution that still cause him much physical/mental pain? People in constant pain are much more hair-trigger emotionally. Could Angel try to bring out truths about Juan instead of forging evidence? I don't know, as I don't know the story, but the query makes Angel seem a bit unlikable, as if he is very shallow and willing to besmirch (love that word) Juan's reputation just to elevate his own.



"People's memories are short. And life is so damn long." I don't think this helps the query. Who says it? Seems to be included just to be colorful, and I cannot tell if it is a quote from your manuscript or just a quote plucked from somewhere else.

Fifty years ago Ángel Valdés co-led You might consider bringing in Juan here, instead of using "co-led", which seems rather pale. Maybe give their positions? How they fell into leading the revolution? I think info about their relationship could help show why Ángel feels threatened/jealous. the revolution that made him president of the Caribbean island of Zamora. Now he wants only to die in peace, leaving a stable country to his daughter - and an indelible mark on history.

But as the country prepares to celebrate a big anniversary, Ángel worries that his dead comrade Juan La Roca has eclipsed him as Zamora's greatest hero. Show why he fears this. Why is it an issue after all this time? La Roca, who died young, and handsome, and ignorant of the hard realities of leadership. No paragraph break needed.

So Ángel forges evidence exposing La Roca as a traitor, tears down his statues, and bans the mention of his name.

An outcry follows. Ángel sees this as proof of his people's ingratitude and refuses to retract. Instead, he takes increasingly brutal measures to silence his critics, pushing his country to the brink of civil war. But when his daughter steps into the firing line, Ángel has to decide how much he's prepared to pay for a final shot at glory. Good

THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA is a literary thriller complete at 71,000 words.

User avatar
Inglory
Posts: 10
Joined: September 5th, 2010, 6:05 am
Location: Madrid, Spain
Contact:

Re: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: Revision # 1

Post by Inglory » January 22nd, 2011, 1:55 pm

REVISION # 2

Here's my third and final version. I'm not sure if I'm improving it, or just going round in circles! I've copied the first and second attempts below for comparison.

Third attempt

Fifty years ago, Ángel Valdés led the revolution that freed his Caribbean country from tyranny with his comrade Juan La Roca. With La Roca long-dead, Ángel is now the country's aging president. All he wants is to die in peace and leave the regime he has spent a lifetime forging to his daughter.

The country is preparing to celebrate the revolution's fiftieth anniversary. With each passing parade and public eulogy, Ángel notices a fanatical emphasis on Juan La Roca, and senses that his ex-comrade, who died young and handsome, has eclipsed him as the country's greatest hero. Incensed that people would idolize this man who knew nothing of the hard realities of leadership, Ángel forges evidence disgracing La Roca, and makes any veneration of him punishable by death.

An outcry follows. Ángel sees this as proof of his people's fickle ingratitude, and refuses to retract. Against the advice of his daughter, he resorts to increasingly brutal measures to silence those who stand up for La Roca, pushing the country to the brink of civil war. And Ángel to the brink of madness. When his daughter gets entangled in the fight, and his advisers give him conflicting information, Ángel has to decide how much he's prepared to pay for a final shot of glory.

THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA is a literary thriller complete at 71,000 words.

----

Second attempt

Fifty years ago Ángel Valdés co-led the revolution that made him president of the Caribbean island of Zamora. Now he wants only to die in peace, leaving a stable country to his daughter - and an indelible mark on history.

But as the country prepares to celebrate a big anniversary, Ángel worries that his dead comrade Juan La Roca has eclipsed him as Zamora's greatest hero. La Roca, who died young and handsome, and ignorant of the hard realities of leadership. So Ángel forges evidence exposing La Roca as a traitor, tears down his statues, and bans the mention of his name.

An outcry follows. Ángel sees this as proof of his people's ingratitude and refuses to retract. Instead, he takes increasingly brutal measures to silence his critics, pushing his country to the brink of civil war. But when his daughter steps into the firing line, Ángel has to decide how much he's prepared to pay for a final shot at glory.

----

First attempt

It's fifty years since Ángel Valdés led the revolution that made him leader of Caribbean Zamora. Now in his twilight years, he has respect, a loving family, and absolute power. All he wants is to die in peace and leave a stable country to his daughter Haydee.

But as death draws near, Ángel starts to worry that his long-dead comrade Juan La Roca has become a greater hero than him. So he forges evidence exposing La Roca as a traitor, and bans any worship of him.

An outcry follows. Ángel sees this as proof of his people's ingratitude, and refuses to retract. Instead, he resorts to increasingly bloody measures to silence his critics, bringing his country to the brink of civil war. But when Haydee puts herself in the firing line in protest, Ángel has to decide just how much he's prepared to pay for a final shot at glory.

----

Thanks for all your help,

Faye

GeeGee55
Posts: 173
Joined: February 19th, 2010, 11:01 pm
Contact:

Re: THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA: Revision # 2

Post by GeeGee55 » January 23rd, 2011, 12:21 am

Inglory:

You are making it better imo. I am no expert, but I think you're very close with this version. Have you tried sending any queries out to see what sort of response you get? I think you could try that.
Inglory wrote:REVISION # 2

Here's my third and final version. I'm not sure if I'm improving it, or just going round in circles! I've copied the first and second attempts below for comparison.

Third attempt

Fifty years ago, Ángel Valdés led the revolution that freed his Caribbean country from tyranny with his comrade Juan La Roca. The construction of this first sentence seems a little off, the last phrase feels kind of tacked on, so, maybe play with it a bit: With his comrade Juan La Roca, Angel Valdes led the revolution that freed his Caribbean country from tryanny. You mention the fifty years below so I don't know if you need it here too, not sure though With La Roca long-dead, Ángel is now the country's aging president. All he wants is to die in peace and leave the regime he has spent a lifetime forging to his daughter.

The country is preparing to celebrate the revolution's fiftieth anniversary. With each passing parade and public eulogy, Ángel notices a fanatical emphasis on Juan La Roca, and senses that his ex-comrade, who died young and handsome, has eclipsed him as the country's greatest hero. Nice sentence here Incensed that people would idolize this man who knew nothing of the hard realities of leadership, Ángel forges evidence disgracing La Roca, and makes any veneration of him punishable by death.

An outcry follows. Ángel sees this as proof of his people's fickle ingratitude, and refuses to retract. Against the advice of his daughter, he resorts to increasingly brutal measures to silence those who stand up for La Roca, pushing the country to the brink of civil war. And Ángel to the brink of madness. When his daughter gets I might use becomes rather than gets entangled in the fight, and his advisers give him conflicting information this is not quite clear, information about what? his daughter's involvement?, Ángel has to decide how much he's prepared to pay for a final shot of glory.

THE SECOND DEATH OF JUAN LA ROCA is a literary thriller complete at 71,000 words.

This is very good. I wish you luck with it.

----

Second attempt

Fifty years ago Ángel Valdés co-led the revolution that made him president of the Caribbean island of Zamora. Now he wants only to die in peace, leaving a stable country to his daughter - and an indelible mark on history.

But as the country prepares to celebrate a big anniversary, Ángel worries that his dead comrade Juan La Roca has eclipsed him as Zamora's greatest hero. La Roca, who died young and handsome, and ignorant of the hard realities of leadership. So Ángel forges evidence exposing La Roca as a traitor, tears down his statues, and bans the mention of his name.

An outcry follows. Ángel sees this as proof of his people's ingratitude and refuses to retract. Instead, he takes increasingly brutal measures to silence his critics, pushing his country to the brink of civil war. But when his daughter steps into the firing line, Ángel has to decide how much he's prepared to pay for a final shot at glory.

----

First attempt

It's fifty years since Ángel Valdés led the revolution that made him leader of Caribbean Zamora. Now in his twilight years, he has respect, a loving family, and absolute power. All he wants is to die in peace and leave a stable country to his daughter Haydee.

But as death draws near, Ángel starts to worry that his long-dead comrade Juan La Roca has become a greater hero than him. So he forges evidence exposing La Roca as a traitor, and bans any worship of him.

An outcry follows. Ángel sees this as proof of his people's ingratitude, and refuses to retract. Instead, he resorts to increasingly bloody measures to silence his critics, bringing his country to the brink of civil war. But when Haydee puts herself in the firing line in protest, Ángel has to decide just how much he's prepared to pay for a final shot at glory.

----

Thanks for all your help,

Faye

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 1 guest