Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

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Andrewauthor
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Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

Post by Andrewauthor » August 31st, 2010, 5:08 pm

Thanks in advance for any advice offered. All constructive compliments welcome. I'll take extra effort to critique the works of people who help me out (where I can, of course. I wouldn't even know where to begin helping someone write historical fiction, for example)

Also, I'd love comments on my query here: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=2108

FIRST PAGE OF FORTY WINKS

Something was wrong in the in the Aisling household. Gabe could feel it.

Gabriel Donovan Aisling stood in the living room of his home. The home he grew up in. But even that was odd; he was supposed to be away at orientation for college. He had opted to spend his spring break at a week-long introduction to the competitive engineering program he would begin in the fall. He vaguely recalled packing a bag and driving to the university with his best friend.

Gabe’s brow furrowed. So why was he back here? He couldn’t remember leaving the university. In fact, he couldn’t recall anything leading to this moment, in the living room. He found it difficult to concentrate at all. But the sense that something was terribly wrong caused the hair on the back of his neck rise. He looked around for answers.

Everything seemed ordinary. The couch was the same blue floral number; the carpet displayed faint stains left there by three Aisling children. Gabe could see one that was left when he ran into the room after a victorious but muddy football game. A linear grey stain could only be left by his twin brother’s wheelchair and a pink patch was likely a memory of his younger sister’s forays into finger-painting. The sofa faced the fireplace and above the hearth was a bookcase stacked with titles such as The Fool’s Guide to Narcolepsy, 100 Stories for Insomniacs, and the DSM-IV, a catalog of psychological disorders.

Everything was where it should be. Gabe’s mother suffered from extreme insomnia and had plenty of time when the family slept to tidy the home. He wondered how she would spend her nights when her sons were away destroying their freshman dorms. Avery was only ten and unequipped to fill the gap in mess-making her brothers would leave. So if it wasn’t the house that bothered Gabe, it had to be something else.

Gabe opened his mouth to announce his presence. The air tasted stale, and Gabe was struck with a feeling of loneliness. “Mom? Dad?” He waited for a response. “Anyone?” The house was silent.

Gabe abandoned the living room for the kitchen. He stepped around the island and checked the refrigerator for notes. Gabe’s mother and father worked odd hours and might have stepped out. But the door was free of fruit-magnet pinned notes indicating they would be away.

Gabe returned to the living room and began to ascend the stairs to the second floor bedrooms. But as his foot hit the first step, he noticed something odd: two shadows were cast on the stairs. He turned slowly.

A girl was standing in the front door. The oak door was open wide, allowing the bright light behind her to cast a long shadow. The light obscured her features until she stepped forward, slamming the door shut behind her.

Gabe released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding as the little girl’s features were revealed. “Avery, you scared me. What are you –“ He leaned a little closer, struck by her face.

Unlike the normalcy of the scene around him, Avery was not normal. She wore her school uniform, and her light brown hair hung to her shoulders. But where Gabe expected to see bright, hazel eyes, two black orbs looked back at him. And they watched him with anger. Anger and hunger. She took a step forward and Gabe stepped back, stumbling on the stairs.

“Avery, kiddo, what’s going on?” Gabe extended a hesitant hand toward her.

She blinked and the darkness was gone; her natural eyes danced back and forth, briefly confused. Then her gaze found Gabe, frozen on the stairs, and she began to cry. Tears poured from her eyes as she ran to her brother. “Gabe!” she cried, wrapping her arms around him in a soft tackle.

Gabe was too startled to respond immediately. His arms were out to each side and his shirt was quickly becoming wet with tears. “Avery, what –“

She begged, “Gabe, help me, please!” Her plea was muffled by his body. “I’m so tired, Gabe. It just won’t stop.”

“Avery, are you hurt?” Gabe grasped her shoulders and forced her back to examine her for injury. When he did, he was startled to see that she had stopped crying and once again her eyes had become black and her expression had changed to anger. She snarled and reached up to claw at his face.

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Re: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

Post by JadePhoenix » September 1st, 2010, 12:36 pm

I think this is a strong beginning. The only thing I'd point out is watch your repetition and the tendency you seem to have to go off on backstory tangents. For example, you use "Gabe" nineteen times on this one page. After a while I was going, "all right, I get it, his name is Gabe!" Maybe try to change some things around so you're either not using his name or you're able to use a pronoun (though don't swap one for another by replacing nineteen "Gabes" with nineteen uses of the word "he"). Another thing I noticed was it seemed like you were overwriting just a bit. For example the first paragraph kind of reads like "Gabe is in his living room, the living room in his house, the living room in the house that he grew up in, the living room in the house that he grew up in that he shouldn't be in because he should be away at college". The longer you spend on telling us he's in his living room and shouldn't be the more we lose the dramatic tension of "he's in his living room and shouldn't be!" (if that makes sense, I hope it does! :) ) You could write - "Gabe stood in the living room of his home and couldn't remember how he got there" something like that anyway, and then go "he should have been at college, he remembered being at college, so why was he here?" That ties the whole thing into two sentences and lets you get right into the meat of the story.

Same with the rest of the page - you tend to get away from the story to pack in backstory - the scene is him standing in his house wondering what happened and he gets attacked by Avery. You can put tiny things like "his mom suffered from extreme insomnia", but when you head off on "he wondered how she would spend her nights...." it really, again, breaks the dramatic tension and gets us out of the scene. I had the exact same problem with my first draft - I was info dumping and it was breaking my reader's ability to focus on the story. SO, in short, it's definitely a great scene and interesting - I was left wanting to read more. The only thing is maybe just tighten it up a bit - get to the point a little quicker and break up the backstory, extra details a little more.

That's what I noticed, and you're of course welcome to disregard as you wish. Good luck! :)

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Re: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

Post by Meredith » September 1st, 2010, 4:33 pm

Andrewauthor wrote:Thanks in advance for any advice offered. All constructive compliments welcome. I'll take extra effort to critique the works of people who help me out (where I can, of course. I wouldn't even know where to begin helping someone write historical fiction, for example)

Also, I'd love comments on my query here: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=2108

FIRST PAGE OF FORTY WINKS

Something was wrong in the in the Aisling household. Gabe could feel it.

Gabriel Donovan Aisling stood in the living room of his home. The home he grew up in. But even that was odd; he was supposed to be away at orientation for college. He had opted to spend his spring break at a week-long introduction to the competitive engineering program he would begin in the fall. He vaguely recalled packing a bag and driving to the university with his best friend. A lot of short, choppy sentences at the beginning of this. Including one fragment and the two independent clauses strung together with a semi-colon. Pobably all of this could be told in two tighter sentences.

Gabe’s brow furrowed. So why was he back here? He couldn’t remember leaving the university. In fact, he couldn’t recall anything leading to this moment, in the living room. He found it difficult to concentrate at all. But the sense that something was terribly wrong caused the hair on the back of his neck rise. He looked around for answers. This is a great place to get deeper into the internal monologue. You're almost there. Put all or most of this in Gabe's thoughts and in his voice.

Everything seemed ordinary. The couch was the same blue floral number; the carpet displayed faint stains left there by three Aisling children. Gabe could see one that was left when he ran into the room after a victorious but muddy football game. A linear grey stain could only be left by his twin brother’s wheelchair and a pink patch was likely a memory of his younger sister’s forays into finger-painting. The sofa faced the fireplace and above the hearth was a bookcase stacked with titles such as The Fool’s Guide to Narcolepsy, 100 Stories for Insomniacs, and the DSM-IV, a catalog of psychological disorders. An awful lot of scene-setting. We need some. This may be just a little too much. Instead of some of the detail, say the titles of the books, I'd like to have another sense involved. Did the house smell wrong? Was there something strange about the texture of something he touches?

Everything was where it should be. Feels an awful lot like the start of the previous paragraph. Gabe’s mother suffered from extreme insomnia and had plenty of time when the family slept to tidy the home. He wondered how she would spend her nights when her sons were away destroying their freshman dorms. Avery was only ten and unequipped to fill the gap in mess-making her brothers would leave. So if it wasn’t the house that bothered Gabe, it had to be something else. I actually think the last sentence is the only one you need from this paragraph.

Gabe opened his mouth to announce his presence. The air tasted stale, and Gabe was struck with a feeling of loneliness. “Mom? Dad?” He waited for a response. “Anyone?” The house was silent. IMO tighten up the earlier paragraphs, because this is the place you're trying to get to. Something's wrong. There's no answer. Now I'm starting to have a sense of dread.

Gabe abandoned the living room for the kitchen. He stepped around the island and checked the refrigerator for notes. Gabe’s mother and father worked odd hours and might have stepped out. But the door was free of fruit-magnet pinned notes indicating they would be away. This paragraph is okay. It doesn't do a lot for me, but it's short. I'm just not sure you need it.

Gabe returned to the living room and began to ascend the stairs to the second floor bedrooms. But as his foot hit the first step, he noticed something odd: two shadows were cast on the stairs. He turned slowly. And the two shadows ups the dread. Everything from her on is pretty good, I think.

A girl was standing in the front door. The oak door was open wide, allowing the bright light behind her to cast a long shadow. The light obscured her features until she stepped forward, slamming the door shut behind her.

Gabe released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding as the little girl’s features were revealed. “Avery, you scared me. What are you –“ He leaned a little closer, struck by her face.

Unlike the normalcy of the scene around him, Avery was not normal. She wore her school uniform, and her light brown hair hung to her shoulders. But where Gabe expected to see bright, hazel eyes, two black orbs looked back at him. And they watched him with anger. Anger and hunger. She took a step forward and Gabe stepped back, stumbling on the stairs.

“Avery, kiddo, what’s going on?” Gabe extended a hesitant hand toward her.

She blinked and the darkness was gone; her natural eyes danced back and forth, briefly confused. Then her gaze found Gabe, frozen on the stairs, and she began to cry. Tears poured from her eyes as she ran to her brother. “Gabe!” she cried, wrapping her arms around him in a soft tackle.

Gabe was too startled to respond immediately. His arms were out to each side and his shirt was quickly becoming wet with tears. “Avery, what –“

She begged, “Gabe, help me, please!” Her plea was muffled by his body. “I’m so tired, Gabe. It just won’t stop.”

“Avery, are you hurt?” Gabe grasped her shoulders and forced her back to examine her for injury. When he did, he was startled to see that she had stopped crying and once again her eyes had become black and her expression had changed to anger. She snarled and reached up to claw at his face.
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Re: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

Post by Meredith » September 1st, 2010, 4:43 pm

Andrewauthor wrote:Thanks in advance for any advice offered. All constructive compliments welcome. I'll take extra effort to critique the works of people who help me out (where I can, of course. I wouldn't even know where to begin helping someone write historical fiction, for example)

Also, I'd love comments on my query here: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=2108

FIRST PAGE OF FORTY WINKS

Something was wrong in the in the Aisling household. Gabe could feel it.

Gabriel Donovan Aisling stood in the living room of his home. The home he grew up in. But even that was odd; he was supposed to be away at orientation for college. He had opted to spend his spring break at a week-long introduction to the competitive engineering program he would begin in the fall. He vaguely recalled packing a bag and driving to the university with his best friend. A lot of short, choppy sentences at the beginning of this. Including one fragment and the two independent clauses strung together with a semi-colon. Pobably all of this could be told in two tighter sentences.

Gabe’s brow furrowed. So why was he back here? He couldn’t remember leaving the university. In fact, he couldn’t recall anything leading to this moment, in the living room. He found it difficult to concentrate at all. But the sense that something was terribly wrong caused the hair on the back of his neck rise. He looked around for answers. This is a great place to get deeper into the internal monologue. You're almost there. Put all or most of this in Gabe's thoughts and in his voice.

Everything seemed ordinary. The couch was the same blue floral number; the carpet displayed faint stains left there by three Aisling children. Gabe could see one that was left when he ran into the room after a victorious but muddy football game. A linear grey stain could only be left by his twin brother’s wheelchair and a pink patch was likely a memory of his younger sister’s forays into finger-painting. The sofa faced the fireplace and above the hearth was a bookcase stacked with titles such as The Fool’s Guide to Narcolepsy, 100 Stories for Insomniacs, and the DSM-IV, a catalog of psychological disorders. An awful lot of scene-setting. We need some. This may be just a little too much. Instead of some of the detail, say the titles of the books, I'd like to have another sense involved. Did the house smell wrong? Was there something strange about the texture of something he touches?

Everything was where it should be. Feels an awful lot like the start of the previous paragraph. Gabe’s mother suffered from extreme insomnia and had plenty of time when the family slept to tidy the home. He wondered how she would spend her nights when her sons were away destroying their freshman dorms. Avery was only ten and unequipped to fill the gap in mess-making her brothers would leave. So if it wasn’t the house that bothered Gabe, it had to be something else. I actually think the last sentence is the only one you need from this paragraph.

Gabe opened his mouth to announce his presence. The air tasted stale, and Gabe was struck with a feeling of loneliness. “Mom? Dad?” He waited for a response. “Anyone?” The house was silent. IMO tighten up the earlier paragraphs, because this is the place you're trying to get to. Something's wrong. There's no answer. Now I'm starting to have a sense of dread.

Gabe abandoned the living room for the kitchen. He stepped around the island and checked the refrigerator for notes. Gabe’s mother and father worked odd hours and might have stepped out. But the door was free of fruit-magnet pinned notes indicating they would be away. This paragraph is okay. It doesn't do a lot for me, but it's short. I'm just not sure you need it.

Gabe returned to the living room and began to ascend the stairs to the second floor bedrooms. But as his foot hit the first step, he noticed something odd: two shadows were cast on the stairs. He turned slowly. And the two shadows ups the dread. Everything from her on is pretty good, I think.

A girl was standing in the front door. The oak door was open wide, allowing the bright light behind her to cast a long shadow. The light obscured her features until she stepped forward, slamming the door shut behind her.

Gabe released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding as the little girl’s features were revealed. “Avery, you scared me. What are you –“ He leaned a little closer, struck by her face.

Unlike the normalcy of the scene around him, Avery was not normal. She wore her school uniform, and her light brown hair hung to her shoulders. But where Gabe expected to see bright, hazel eyes, two black orbs looked back at him. And they watched him with anger. Anger and hunger. She took a step forward and Gabe stepped back, stumbling on the stairs.

“Avery, kiddo, what’s going on?” Gabe extended a hesitant hand toward her.

She blinked and the darkness was gone; her natural eyes danced back and forth, briefly confused. Then her gaze found Gabe, frozen on the stairs, and she began to cry. Tears poured from her eyes as she ran to her brother. “Gabe!” she cried, wrapping her arms around him in a soft tackle.

Gabe was too startled to respond immediately. His arms were out to each side and his shirt was quickly becoming wet with tears. “Avery, what –“

She begged, “Gabe, help me, please!” Her plea was muffled by his body. “I’m so tired, Gabe. It just won’t stop.”

“Avery, are you hurt?” Gabe grasped her shoulders and forced her back to examine her for injury. When he did, he was startled to see that she had stopped crying and once again her eyes had become black and her expression had changed to anger. She snarled and reached up to claw at his face.
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Re: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

Post by Krista G. » September 1st, 2010, 5:40 pm

Andrewauthor wrote:Something was wrong in the in the Aisling household. Gabe could feel it. I think you can come up with a more dynamic opening line than this.

Gabriel Donovan Aisling stood in the living room of his home. The home he grew up in. But even that was odd; he was supposed to be away at orientation for college. He had opted to spend his spring break at a week-long introduction to the competitive engineering program he would begin in the fall. He vaguely recalled packing a bag and driving to the university with his best friend.

Gabe’s brow furrowed. So why was he back here? He couldn’t remember leaving the university. In fact, he couldn’t recall anything leading to this moment, in the living room. He found it difficult to concentrate at all. But the sense that something was terribly wrong caused the hair on the back of his neck rise. He looked around for answers.

Everything seemed ordinary. The couch was the same blue floral number; the carpet displayed faint stains left there by three Aisling children. Gabe could see one that was left when he ran into the room after a victorious but muddy football game. You could make this sentence more dynamic by changing it to something like, "One darkish spot was all that remained of his victory dance after a muddy football game." A linear grey stain could only be left by his twin brother’s wheelchair, and a pink patch was likely a memory of his younger sister’s forays into finger-painting. The sofa faced the fireplace, and above the hearth was a bookcase stacked with titles such as The Fool’s Guide to Narcolepsy, 100 Stories for Insomniacs, and the DSM-IV, a catalog of psychological disorders. Your formatting may have been eaten by the forum post, but just make sure you italicize those titles.

Everything was where it should be. Gabe’s mother suffered from extreme insomnia and had plenty of time when the family slept to tidy the home. He wondered how she would spend her nights when her sons were away destroying their freshman dorms. Avery was only ten and unequipped to fill the gap in mess-making her brothers would leave. So if it wasn’t the house that bothered Gabe, it had to be something else. This last sentence doesn't seem to fit with the rest of this paragraph.

Gabe opened his mouth to announce his presence. The air tasted stale, and Gabe was struck with a feeling of loneliness. “Mom? Dad?” He waited for a response. “Anyone?” The house was silent.

Gabe abandoned the living room for the kitchen. He stepped around the island and checked the refrigerator for notes. Gabe’s mother and father worked odd hours and might have stepped out. But the door was free of fruit-magnet pinned notes indicating they would be away.

Gabe returned to the living room and began to ascend ascended the stairs to the second-floor bedrooms. But as his foot hit the first step, he noticed something odd: two shadows were cast on darkened the stairs. He turned slowly.

A girl was standing in the front door. The oak door was open wide, allowing the bright light behind her to cast a long shadow. The light obscured her features until she stepped forward, slamming the door shut behind her.

Gabe released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding as the little girl’s features were revealed came into focus. “Avery, you scared me. What are you –“ He leaned a little closer, struck by her face. This feels like an unnecessary stage direction, so I added a new sentence to the next paragraph.

His voice trailed off. Unlike the normalcy of the scene around him, Avery was not normal. She wore her school uniform, and her light brown hair hung to her shoulders. But where Gabe expected to see bright, hazel eyes, two black orbs looked back at him. And They watched him with anger. Anger And hunger. She took a step forward, and Gabe stepped back, stumbling on the stairs.

“Avery, kiddo, what’s going on?” Gabe extended a hesitant hand toward her.

She blinked, and the darkness was gone. Her natural eyes danced back and forth, briefly confused. Then her gaze found Gabe, frozen on the stairs, and she began to cry. Tears poured from her eyes as she ran to her brother. “Gabe!” she cried, wrapping her arms around him in a soft tackle.

Gabe was too startled to respond immediately. His arms were out to each side and his shirt was quickly becoming wet with tears. Tears soaked his shirt. “Avery, what –“

She begged, “Gabe, help me, please!” Her plea was muffled by his body. “I’m so tired, Gabe. It just won’t stop.”

“Avery, are you hurt?” Gabe grasped her shoulders and forced her back to examine her for injury. When he did, he was startled to see that she had stopped crying. and once again Her eyes had become again black again, and her expression had changed to anger twisted. She snarled and reached up to claw at his face.
Nothing really happens in the first half of this excerpt, and then so much happens in the second. You might try balancing them a little better, interweaving the backstory through the forward-moving action of the scene.

Of course, all of these are just ideas. Take what makes sense to you and ditch the rest:)
Author of THE REGENERATED MAN (G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers, Winter 2015)
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Re: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

Post by emvtc » September 5th, 2010, 2:28 am

Good starts, but there's a bit of repetition (ex: saying he's in the living room when you've already stated that). Once you've mentioned something, the reader will remember it. They're good like that. But also, everything's a little detached. Yes, you can tell us that it's odd that Gabe's home when he's supposed to be at an orientation - or you can show us his confusion. Have him furrow his brow or look around wildly. Of course to be fair "show don't tell" is one of the hardest things to learn as a writer. Everyone has to work on it.

But wow, evil ten-year-olds (or possibly mutant-ten-year-olds). This intrigues me. You've got a really good start. This is something that could go a lot of places.
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Re: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

Post by writeonsistah » September 28th, 2010, 2:13 am

For starters, you seem to have a pretty unique premise and the ending definitely left me wondering what will happen next. I like the idea of Gabe being at home with no idea how he got there and Avery... she seems super creepy
Andrewauthor wrote:Thanks in advance for any advice offered. All constructive compliments welcome. I'll take extra effort to critique the works of people who help me out (where I can, of course. I wouldn't even know where to begin helping someone write historical fiction, for example)

Also, I'd love comments on my query here: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=2108

FIRST PAGE OF FORTY WINKS


Gabriel Donovan Aisling stood in the living room of his home. The home he grew up in. But something was wrong. He could feel it.
His very presence there was odd; he was supposed to be away at orientation for college (this threw me off because orientation is traditionally in the fall, at the beginning of the school year. so perhaps use a different word than 'orientation'?) . He had opted to spend his spring break at a week-long introduction to the competitive engineering program he would begin in the fall. He vaguely recalled packing a bag and driving to the university with his best friend.

Gabe’s brow furrowed. So why was he back here? He couldn’t remember leaving the university. In fact, he couldn’t recall anything leading to this moment, in the living room. He found it difficult to concentrate at all. But the sense that something was terribly wrong caused the hair on the back of his neck rise. He looked around for answers.

Everything seemed ordinary. The couch was the same blue floral number; the carpet displayed faint stains left there by three Aisling children. Gabe could see one that was left when he ran into the room after a victorious but muddy football game. A linear grey stain could only be left by his twin brother’s wheelchair and a pink patch was likely a memory of his younger sister’s forays into finger-painting. The sofa faced the fireplace and above the hearth was a bookcase stacked with titles such as The Fool’s Guide to Narcolepsy, 100 Stories for Insomniacs, and the DSM-IV, a catalog of psychological disorders.

Everything was where it should be. Gabe’s mother suffered from extreme insomnia and had plenty of time when the family slept to tidy the home. He wondered how she would spend her nights when her sons were away destroying their freshman dorms. Avery was only ten and unequipped to fill the gap in mess-making her brothers would leave. So if it wasn’t the house that bothered Gabe, it had to be something else.

Gabe opened his mouth to announce his presence. The air tasted stale, and Gabe was struck with a feeling of loneliness. “Mom? Dad?” He waited for a response. “Anyone?” The house was silent.

Gabe abandoned the living room for the kitchen. He stepped around the island and checked the refrigerator for notes. Gabe’s mother and father worked odd hours and might have stepped out. But the door was free of fruit-magnet pinned notes indicating they would be away.

Gabe returned to the living room and began to ascend the stairs to the second floor bedrooms. But as his foot hit the first step, he noticed something odd: two shadows (a second shadow?) were cast on the stairs. He turned slowly.

A girl was standing in the front door. The oak door was open wide, allowing the bright light behind her to cast a long shadow. The light obscured her features until she stepped forward, slamming the door shut behind her.

Gabe released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding as the little girl’s features were revealed. “Avery, you scared me. What are you –“ He leaned a little closer, struck by her something unusual about herface.

Unlike the normalcy of the scene around him, Avery was not normal. She wore her school uniform, and her light brown hair hung to her shoulders. But where Gabe expected to see bright, hazel eyes, two black orbs looked back at him. And they watched him with anger. Anger and hunger. She took a step forward and Gabe stepped back, stumbling on the stairs.

“Avery, kiddo, what’s going on?” Gabe extended a hesitant hand toward her.

She blinked and the darkness was gone; her natural eyes danced back and forth, briefly confused. Then her gaze found Gabe, frozen on the stairs, and she began to cry. Tears poured from her eyes as she ran to her brother. “Gabe!” she cried, wrapping her arms around him in a soft tackle.

Gabe was too startled to respond immediately. His arms were out to each side and his shirt was quickly becoming wet with tears. “Avery, what –“

She begged, “Gabe, help me, please!” Her plea was muffled by his body. “I’m so tired, Gabe. It just won’t stop.”

“Avery, are you hurt?” Gabe grasped her shoulders and forced her back to examine her for injury. When he did, he was startled to see that she had stopped crying and once again her eyes had become black and her expression had changed to anger. She snarled and reached up to claw at his face.
Man, what an ending. The cute little sister in her school uniform turns into a clawing creature with black orbs for eyes. Nice work.
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Re: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

Post by Sanwrites » November 17th, 2010, 12:25 am

Wow. Great concept. Love the creepy sister. Others have given good suggestions for change. Mine would be to drop the extraneous info that doesn't further Gabriel's story, motivation, etc. This might be a formatting error, but the industry standard now is one space after periods. Again, nice job.
Andrewauthor wrote:Thanks in advance for any advice offered. All constructive compliments welcome. I'll take extra effort to critique the works of people who help me out (where I can, of course. I wouldn't even know where to begin helping someone write historical fiction, for example)

Also, I'd love comments on my query here: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=2108

FIRST PAGE OF FORTY WINKS

Something was wrong in the in the Aisling household. Gabe could feel it.

Gabriel Donovan Aisling stood in the living room of his home. The home he grew up in. But even that was odd; he was supposed to be away at orientation for college. He had opted was supposed to be spendING his spring break at a week-long introduction tothe competitive engineering program seminar? he would begin in the fall. He vaguely recalled packing a bag and driving to the university with his best friend.

Gabe’s brow furrowed. So why was he back here? He couldn’t remember leaving the university. In fact, he couldn’t recall anything leading to this moment, in the living room. He found it difficult to concentrate at all. But the sense that something was terribly wrong caused the hair on the back of his neck rise. He looked around for answers.

Everything seemed ordinary. The couch was the same blue floral number; the carpet displayed faint stains left there by three Aisling children. Gabe could see one that was left when he ran into the room after a victorious but muddy football game. There was a linear grey stain could only be left by left by his twin brother’s wheelchair and a pink patch was likely a memory of from his younger sister’s forays into finger-painting. The sofa faced the fireplace andabove the hearth was a bookcase stacked with titles such as The Fool’s Guide to Narcolepsy, 100 Stories for Insomniacs, and the DSM-IV, a catalog of psychological disorders. This goes here. Gabe’s mother suffered from extreme insomnia.He wondered how she would spend her nights when her sons were away destroying their freshman dorms. Avery was only ten and unequipped to fill the gap in mess-making her brothers would leave.

Everything was where it should be. So if it wasn’t the house that bothered Gabe, it had to be something else.

Gabe opened his mouth to announce his presence. The air tasted stale, and Gabe was struck with a feeling of loneliness. The loneliness should be foreshadowed in the previous paragraph. “Mom? Dad?” He waited for a response. “Anyone?” The house was silent.

Gabe He abandoned the living room for the kitchen. He stepped around the island and checked the refrigerator for notes. Gabe’s His mother and father worked odd hours and might have stepped out. But the door was free of fruit-magnet pinned notes indicating they would be away.

Gabe returned to the living room and began to ascend the stairs, 'intending to check' He hadn't gotten there, so you can't mention that he did to the second floor bedrooms. But as his foot hit the first step, he noticed something odd: two shadows were cast on the stairs. put in active voice. He turned slowly.

A girl was standing in the entry front door. The oak door was open wide, allowing the bright light behind her to cast a long shadow. The light It obscured her features until she stepped forward, slamming the door shut behind her.

Gabe released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding as the little girl’s features were revealed sounds formal. Maybe 'he recognized her'. “Avery, you scared me. What are you –“ He leaned a little closer, struck by her face The horror of the situation for Gabe doesn't come through with this phrase.

Unlike the normalcy of the scene around him, Avery was not normal. All telling. She wore her school uniform, and her light brown hair hung to her shoulders. But where Gabe expected to see bright, hazel eyes, two black orbs looked back at him. And they watched him with anger. Anger and hunger. She took a step forward and Gabe stepped back, stumbling on the stairs.

“Avery, kiddo, what’s going on?” Gabe extended a hesitant hand toward her.

She blinked and the darkness was gone; her natural eyes danced back and forth, briefly confused. Then her gaze found Gabe him, frozen on the stairs, and she began to cry. Tears poured from her eyes as she ran to her brother. “Gabe!” she cried, wrapping her arms around him in a soft tackle.

Gabe was too startled to respond immediately. His arms were out to each side Huh? did he hug her? and his shirt was quickly becoming wet with tears. “Avery, what –“

She begged, “Gabe, help me, please!” Her plea was muffled by his body. “I’m so tired, Gabe. It just won’t stop.”

“Avery, are you hurt?” Gabe grasped her shoulders and forced her back to examine her for injury. When he did, he was startled to see that she had stopped crying Period. and once again her eyes had become black and her expression had changed to anger. She snarled and reached up to claw at his face.
Nick Charles: "I'm a hero. I was shot twice in the Tribune."
Nora Charles: "I read where you were shot 5 times in the tabloids."
Nick Charles: "It's not true. He didn't come anywhere near my tabloids."

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JenAlbin
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Re: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

Post by JenAlbin » January 11th, 2011, 2:27 am

I'm going to chime in and reiterate there's too much backstory, The creepy sister is attention grabbing, open with that, cut all the exposition and layer those details into your first 50 pages. I would start with a sentence or two showing he's disoriented, have him move to explore, intro the sister and keep the dialogue.

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Steph.s
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Re: Forty Winks first page -YA paranormal adventure

Post by Steph.s » January 18th, 2011, 11:49 pm

I wanted to jump in here and say that I thought it was very good. I agree that some of the descriptions of his surroundings could be worked into the action. Overall though, I liked it very much. Nice sense of dread.

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