Erin,
Poor thing--I feel your pain on this whole entire process! Such a pain in the neck (and other places).
Here's my take--the first one is better. It feels more polished and I also like the balance of specifics and questions you leave us with in the last paragraph. That being said, there are some elements you could grab from the second version. I think it's good to name the neighbor, but maybe just use his first name for simplicity, so we don't end up with too many names to think about. Makes him real, rather than just random guy next door, maybe add a detail or two about him, why she's attracted to him...he's a cat lover, he's sensitive and bakes her muffins, he IS a muffin and fixes his car with his shirt off...that sort of thing ;) I like the idea of some variation of the "complication she can believe in". It sounds good, although I'm not totally sure I know what it means. Maybe something like he's a "complication worth considering" (or something, that's totally off the top of my head).
I still don't get the part about the abusive husband, or maybe it's the placement of that information in the query. I think it might work well in the section where she's picking up the fragments of her life, because that leads into the thing with the neighbor. You can contrast the two...She's picking up the fragments of her life but she's still haunted by the memories of the years of abuse she suffered while married. When she meets Nicholas and an attraction develops, she wonders if she can afford another complication in her life and whether a man could actually treat her well. (again, totally off the top of my head).
Otherwise, I think you are extremely close. Best of luck with revisions...I'll be curious to hear what others have to say.
Karen
Erin wrote:That damn sliver of light at the end of the tunnel was only a shard of glass stuck in a rock! <grin>
Based on additional feedback, I created version B. I have to be honest and say I'm at a loss deciding which way to go, so I'm throwing it out there for additional critique and feedback.
*** VERSION A ***
Dear (Specific Agent),
Emily Hennas has the power to ease one man’s suffering--the man responsible for murdering her family.
After a drunk driver kills her husband, eldest son and daughter, Emily is left alone to raise her youngest son. Shadowed by the memory of her abusive husband, she retreats to New York in seek of solace from her only family.
Driven by grief, survivor’s guilt, and fears for her surviving child, Emily engages in the legal fight. As she begins pulling together the fragments of her life, she forges an unlikely friendship with her neighbor. As their connection deepens, an attraction develops. But Emily still struggles with the past, and doesn’t want any more complications in her life. She declares "rules" for their friendship--even though she’s tempted to break them.
After eighteen agonizing months of postponements, the trial date is set. But when Conway Duke staggers into the room, pale and drawn, the case changes course in one explosive moment, leaving Emily with the most difficult decision of her life: continue fighting for the justice her children deserve, or forgive the man responsible for causing their deaths.
TRIAL OF THE HEART explores the depth of a mother’s love, a woman’s heart and the obsession for justice. The work of women’s fiction is complete at 87,000 words. I am querying you because (insert reason).
Thank you for your time and consideration.
*** VERSION B ***
Dear (Specific Agent),
Emily Hennas has the power to ease one man’s suffering--the man responsible for murdering her family.
After a drunk driver kills her husband, eldest son and daughter, Emily is left alone to raise her youngest son. Shadowed by the memory of her abusive husband, guilt for being released by his death, and the devastating loss of her children, she moves to New York and engages in the fight for justice.
As she begins pulling together the fragments of her life, she forges a friendship with her neighbor, Nicholas Travane. As his support deepens, an attraction develops, but Emily still struggles with the past, and doesn’t want any more complications in her life. She declares "rules" for their friendship; even though he’s a complication she’s beginning to believe in.
After eighteen agonizing months of postponements, the criminal trial is set to begin. But when Conway Duke walks into the room, pale and drawn, the case changes course in one explosive moment. He is seriously ill and wants Emily’s support for a plea bargain with the prosecutor, leaving Emily with the most difficult decision of her life: continue fighting for the justice her children deserve, or forgive the man responsible for causing their deaths.
TRIAL OF THE HEART explores the depth of a mother’s love, a woman’s heart and the obsession for justice. The work of women’s fiction is complete at 87,000 words. I am querying you because (insert reason).
Thank you for your time and consideration.
