Crystal Shade: Angeni (Fantasy Query) - 3rd Edition

[Guardian]

Well, let's test this one. Please be honest and cruel. Thank you for your help in advance.

EDIT: Revised edition is below, 2nd page, 2nd post.

[Netti]

Well, let's test this one. Please be honest and cruel. Thank you for your help in advance.

Dear [Agent name here],

We're seeking representation for our 124,000-word fantasy novel, CRYSTAL SHADE: ANGENI(1. Who's "we"? 2. This should go at the end.)
“Everyone cares about people, but someone must care about the world itself.”

Seven year old Grace loves to dream about being reborn as a guardian angel. It's not like Grace actually wants to die, but sometimes she thinks that mysterious life sounds so exciting – until it actually happens.(Exactly how does one hear about angel life?)

Forever destined to protect her world, Eecrys Aredia from the prophesied Crystal Shade, Grace is reborn as Angeni, a guardian angel(I'm confused by all the names. Is Eecrys Aredia a name or title?). While she prepares to serve and guide the humans, as the guardians have for millennia, Angeni seeks to understand what she has become and the truth of what the Crystal Shade really is. As she learns about her world's forgotten past, she begins to recognize a parallel between then and now. The Crystal Shade is not just a fading belief or ancient legend only she and a few others believe, but the name of the unavoidable end times. As the Crystal Shade approaches, it will unleash demon hordes on her peaceful world in a war to determine which side will guide humans in the generations to come.(So confused at this point. You've spent the entire paragraph discussing the Crystal Shade and I thought it was just a history thing then find out in the last sentence it's some evil force.)

However, Angeni finds the trace of a hidden third party who manipulates both sides into an all-out confrontation, which aims for the annihilation of both angels and demons(And what's this one called?). This time there is more at stake than human souls. Beyond good and evil, chaos wants to shape the face of the world to its own image – a world without guidance, forever between light and darkness. Grace's soul was still young and inexperienced, but as a young woman, Angeni must become a warrior to stop this hidden threat that only she can see(So how much time passes?). To do so, she must break the traditions that she and every other angel and demon believe; a path which might lead her out of the light and into the night(Sorry, this line is a little cheesy.). Stopping her nemesis will be even harder than the young guardian believed since her rebirth she is the key to her nemesis’ deadly vendetta(Who is the nemesis and why is Angeni the key?).

• Thank you for your time and consideration, and we look forward to your reply.
  
  Respectfully Yours,
  
  [Signatures and novel website address comes here]

Right now there's a lot going on in your query and I'm just confused. Sounds like an interesting plot but I think for your query you need to narrow your focus.

[Guardian]

Thanks for your response. Here are my answers.

1. I have a co-writer / editor in this project.
2. Okay. I can take that part to the end.
3. How does one hear about angel life? On this world, they're existing in general. Hmmm. Should I explain this in the query?
4. Eecrys Aredia is the name of the world. Crystal Shade is an event. Angeni is Grace's angel name.
5. The Crystal Shade is a belief about a historical event, which is carrying evil within.
6. The third side has no name as no one knows it's existing. The MC is giving a name to it later in the story.
7. How much time? Nothing at all. Grace dies as a youngling and reborn as an avenging guardian, a matured woman. That's causing the conflict inside the MC as she is still a young girl inside, yet everyone handles her as a young woman.
8. That cheesy line can be solved.
9. The nemesis of Angeni is that unnamed third side.

You have good points because for me, as I created this world, these points are evident. But it's not for the reader. And now as I look at your points, I don't know how to solve these ones. Actually the story itself is a really complex one, yet everyone is able to understand it. Unfortunately it's really hard to tell a complex story in 300 words, especially when this world is based on it's own world and not on the rules of the mainstream fantasies.

Well. This thread is existing to solve these problems. :)

Oh, and a little background info for this query. This story is telling the first volume of this world as it's a trilogy. But this volume and it's query must stand on it's own.

[Netti]

Thanks for your response. Here are my answers.

1. I have a co-writer / editor in this project. Ok, that's what I thought.
2. Okay. I can take that part to the end.
3. How does one hear about angel life? On this world, they're existing in general. Hmmm. Should I explain this in the query? I would. Just try to incorporate the idea in. It doesn't have to be anything big, just enough for readers to get the idea.
4. Eecrys Aredia is the name of the world. Crystal Shade is an event. Angeni is Grace's angel name. I got Grace's name change. It was the other things that were confusing. If you can, try to explain them a bit better.
5. The Crystal Shade is a belief about a historical event, which is carrying evil within. So the belief has evil in it? Sorry, I think I'm just not getting it.
6. The third side has no name as know one knows it's existing. The MC is giving a name to it later in the story. I see. That makes more sense. You may want to say something like "An unknown third party..." or whatever so agents don't get confused.
7. How much time? Nothing at all. Grace dies as a youngling and reborn as an avenging guardian, a matured woman. That's causing the conflict inside the MC as she is still a young girl inside, yet everyone handles her as a young woman. You may want to explain that in the query because I was imagining this little girl with wings.
8. That cheesy line can be solved.
9. The nemesis of Angeni is that unnamed third side.

You have good points because for me, as I created this world, all the answer is evident. But now as I look at your points, I don't know how to solve these ones. Actually the story itself is really complex, yet everyone is able to understand it. Unfortunately it's really hard to tell a complex story in 300 words. Well. This thread is existing because of this to solve these problems. :)

How to solve the complexity, I don't know but I'm sure someone else will be able to help you out with that. Good luck!

[Guardian]

Thank you very much! Your points are giving me a really good start. At least I already know where should I start the revision.

[Guardian]

Let’s try it again with some minor changes. At the end I directly added “Life and world tale” as Crystal Shade is not just about action as most of the fantasies are used to present a story, but to have a chance to understand the motives of the main character, her way of thoughts, the readers must also understand the world which surrounds her and the events which leads to the end (CSA is a bit philosophical here and there.). Plus the reader must know, the story is presenting a life of the MC and her evolution from the very beginning (Everything what the reader reads is from the MCs POV.). Many people used to say, we're caring only about characters. In this world, as in the reality, the readers also must care with the world itself if they want to see and understand the whole picture. So, that "Life and world tale" part in the query is just an experiment add-on, but if you have any idea how to solve this, any idea is welcomed.

REVISED QUERY:

Dear [Agent name here],

“The present battle of the past conquest is always the key to determining the future.”

Seven year old Grace loves to dream about being reborn as a guardian angel. It's not like Grace actually wants to die, but sometimes she thinks that mysterious life sounds so exciting – until it actually happens.

Forever destined to protect Eecrys Aredia, her world from the prophesied Crystal Shade, Grace is reborn as Angeni, an adult guardian angel. While she prepares to serve and guide the humans, as the guardians have for millennia, Angeni seeks to understand what she has become and the truth of what the Crystal Shade really is. As she learns about her world's forgotten past, she begins to recognize a parallel between then and now. The Crystal Shade is not just a fading belief or ancient legend only she and a few others believe, but the name of the unavoidable and approaching end times which carries evil within. As the Crystal Shade approaches, it will unleash demon hordes on her peaceful world in a war to determine which side will guide humans in the generations to come. However, Angeni finds the trace of a hidden, unnamed and unknown third party who manipulates both sides into an all-out confrontation and aims for the annihilation of both angels and demons. This time there is more at stake than human souls. Beyond good and evil, chaos wants to shape the face of the world to its own image – a world without guidance, forever between light and darkness.

An inexperienced, young consciousness trapped inside a mature guardian woman’s body, Angeni must become the warrior to stop this hidden threat that only she can see. To do so, she must break the traditions that she and every other angel and demon believe; a path which might lead her out of the light and into the night. Stopping her nemesis will be even harder than the young guardian believed since her rebirth her own existence, actions and foremost blind belief is the key to her nemesis’ deadly vendetta.

The series opener of CRYSTAL SHADE: ANGENI is a high fantasy novel, a “life and world tale” complete at 124,000 words.

• Thank you for your time and consideration, and we look forward to your reply.
  
  Respectfully Yours,
  
  [Signatures and novel website address comes here]

[sbs_mjc1]

“The present battle of the past conquest is always the key to determining the future.”

Seven year old Grace loves to dream about being reborn as a guardian angel. It's not like Grace actually wants to die, but sometimes she thinks that mysterious life sounds so exciting – until it actually happens. [Ok, interesting hook]

Grace is reborn as Angeni, an adult guardian angel, forever destined to protect her world, Eecrys Aredia, from the prophesied Crystal Shade. While she prepares to serve and guide the humans, as the guardians have for millennia, Angeni seeks to understand what she has become and the truth of what the Crystal Shade really is. As she learns about her world's forgotten past, she begins to recognize a parallel between then and now. The Crystal Shade is not just a fading belief or ancient legend only she and a few others believe, but the name of the unavoidable and approaching end times which carries evil within.As the Crystal Shade approaches, it will unleash demon hordes on her peaceful world in a war to determine which side [whether light or darkness] will guide humans in the generations to come.But this time there is more at stake than human souls. Angeni discovers a mysterious force is manipulating both the angels and demons with the intent of destroying them all and tossing their world into eternal chaos. Beyond good and evil, chaos wants to shape the face of the world to its own image – a world without guidance, forever between light and darkness.

An inexperienced, young consciousness trapped inside a mature guardian woman’s body, Angeni must become the warrior to stop this hidden threat that only she can see. To do so, she must break the traditions that she and every other angel and demon believe; a path which might lead her out of the light and into the night. Stopping her nemesis will be even harder than the young guardian believed since her rebirth her own existence, actions and foremost blind belief is the key to her nemesis’ deadly vendetta.

The series opener of CRYSTAL SHADE: ANGENI is a high fantasy novel, a “life and world tale” complete at 124,000 words.

[Guardian]

Thank you very much. I agree with your points and changes. So this one should be the final version...

Seven year old Grace loves to dream about being reborn as a guardian angel. It's not like Grace actually wants to die, but sometimes she thinks that mysterious life sounds so exciting – until it actually happens.

Grace is reborn as Angeni, an adult guardian angel, forever destined to protect her world, Eecrys Aredia, from the prophesied Crystal Shade. While she prepares to serve and guide the humans, as the guardians have for millennia, Angeni seeks to understand what she has become and the truth of what the Crystal Shade really is. As the Crystal Shade approaches, it will unleash demon hordes on her peaceful world in a war to determine whether light or darkness will guide humans in the generations to come.But this time there is more at stake than human souls. Angeni discovers a mysterious force is manipulating both the angels and demons with the intent of destroying them all and tossing their world into eternal chaos.

An inexperienced, young consciousness trapped inside a mature guardian woman’s body, Angeni must become the warrior to stop this hidden threat that only she can see. To do so, she must break the traditions that she and every other angel and demon believe; a path which might lead her out of the light and into the night. Stopping her nemesis will be even harder than the young guardian believed since her rebirth her own existence, actions and foremost blind belief is the key to her nemesis’ deadly vendetta.

The series opener of CRYSTAL SHADE: ANGENI is a high fantasy novel complete at 124,000 words.

[Jaligard]

Thank you very much. I agree with your points and changes. So this one should be the final version...

Seven year old Grace loves to dream about being reborn as a guardian angel. It's not like Grace actually wants to die, but sometimes she thinks that mysterious life sounds so exciting – until it actually happens.

Grace is reborn as Angeni, an adult guardian angel, forever destined to protect her world, Eecrys Aredia, from the prophesied Crystal Shade. While she prepares to serve and guide the humans, as the guardians have for millennia, Angeni seeks to understand what she has become and the truth of what the Crystal Shade really is. As the Crystal Shade approaches, it will unleash demon hordes on her peaceful world in a war to determine whether light or darkness will guide humans in the generations to come.But this time there is more at stake than human souls. Angeni discovers a mysterious force is manipulating both the angels and demons with the intent of destroying them all and tossing their world into eternal chaos.

An inexperienced, young consciousness trapped inside a mature guardian woman’s body, Angeni must become the warrior to stop this hidden threat that only she can see. To do so, she must break the traditions that she and every other angel and demon believe; a path which might lead her out of the light and into the night. Stopping her nemesis will be even harder than the young guardian believed since her rebirth her own existence, actions and foremost blind belief is the key to her nemesis’ deadly vendetta.

The series opener of CRYSTAL SHADE: ANGENI is a high fantasy novel complete at 124,000 words.

There's a lot of ambiguity in here. We have Crystal Shade, which is . . . a container (?) that holds demon hordes and is approaching. We have a mysterious force manipulating angels and demons. Then there's a hidden threat only Grace can see, presumably her nemesis (possibly the mysterious force). It has a deadly vendetta about . . . what?

Futhermore, if she's just reborn, shaking traditions should not be a big deal to *her*. And how can she have expectations about the difficulty of stopping a nemesis she just discovered?

I have a hard time following the plot as it appears now. Your hook is that you've got a seven year-old that becomes a guardian angel. Because of a prophecy. I think I need to know *why* it has to be her and what she's actually fighting. "Mysterious force," "hiden threat," and "nemesis" don't give me anything.

It could be a ghost librarian rewriting history books for all I know.

It sounds like you've got a good idea in your novel, but I can't see it yet.

[Guardian]

Jaligard. Thanks. Let's try this one. I took back few lines (They're in bold. That's explaining the Crystal Shade part and the rest what you've missed.). Please tell me your opinion about it.

Seven year old Grace loves to dream about being reborn as a guardian angel. It's not like Grace actually wants to die, but sometimes she thinks that mysterious life sounds so exciting – until it actually happens.

Grace is reborn as Angeni, an adult guardian angel, forever destined to protect her world, Eecrys Aredia, from the prophesied Crystal Shade. While she prepares to serve and guide the humans, as the guardians have for millennia, Angeni seeks to understand what she has become and the truth of what the Crystal Shade really is. As she learns about her world's forgotten past, she begins to recognize a parallel between then and now. The Crystal Shade is not just a fading belief or ancient legend only she and a few others believe, but the name of the unavoidable and approaching end times which carries evil within. As the Crystal Shade approaches, it will unleash demon hordes on her peaceful world in a war to determine whether light or darkness will guide humans in the generations to come. But this time there is more at stake than human souls. Angeni discovers a mysterious force is manipulating both the angels and demons with the intent of destroying them all and tossing their world into eternal chaos. Beyond good and evil, chaos wants to shape the face of the world to its own image – a world without guidance, forever between light and darkness.

An inexperienced, young consciousness trapped inside a mature guardian woman’s body, Angeni must become the warrior to stop this hidden threat that only she can see. To do so, she must break the traditions that she and every other angel and demon believe; a path which might lead her out of the light and into the night. Stopping her nemesis will be even harder than the young guardian believed since her rebirth her own existence, actions and foremost blind belief is the key to her nemesis’ deadly vendetta.

The series opener of CRYSTAL SHADE: ANGENI is a high fantasy novel, complete at 124,000 words.

[Jaligard]

Grace is reborn as Angeni, an adult guardian angel, forever destined to protect her world, Eecrys Aredia, from the prophesied Crystal Shade. While she prepares to serve and guide the humans, as the guardians have for millennia, Angeni seeks to understand what she has become and the truth of what the Crystal Shade really is. As she learns about her world's forgotten past, she begins to recognize a parallel between then and now. The Crystal Shade is not just a fading belief or ancient legend only she and a few others believe, but the name of the unavoidable and approaching end times which carries evil within. As the Crystal Shade approaches, it will unleash demon hordes on her peaceful world in a war to determine whether light or darkness will guide humans in the generations to come. But this time there is more at stake than human souls. Angeni discovers a mysterious force is manipulating both the angels and demons with the intent of destroying them all and tossing their world into eternal chaos. Beyond good and evil, chaos wants to shape the face of the world to its own image – a world without guidance, forever between light and darkness.

It's still not exactly clear. I think you might be over-writing here.

The way it reads, Grace is re-born an angel, destined to protect the world from the Crystal Shade. Then she decides to research the Crystal Shade and discovers it's the end of the world. (And it's coming soon!) But if she's destined to protect the world from the Crystal Shade, it implies she already knows what the Crystal Shade is.

You've got the cart before the horse here.

When Grace is reborn as an angel, she learns that prophesized cataclysm known as the Crystal Shade is almost upon the world--the end really is nigh. Demon hordes will soon descend on the world. While preparing to defeat them, she discovers ______. Not only is ______ actively trying to bring about these end times, he's using angels to do it.

This is what you have so far. Trim it down (like this, only better) and add a few juicy details that make your story unique.

Also, I love the use of the term "guardian angel." It's very evocative. But it's evocative of an angel that protects an individual. That's not what Grace is. It sounds like she's a warrior angel, or some kind of sentinel. She protects the world as a whole. It's less evocative, I know. But that's what I see.

[Guardian]

Thanks! This is very helpful. Now about that Guardian Angel thingy. In Crystal Shade, we've redefined angels and their classes completely. Here the angels has quite more and different skills then in any other fantasy. So she is a Guardian Angel, but not a traditional one. Her purpose is to guard her world and her people and that's why she is partially a guardian angel (Or as her race is being called, the Aserians.). Plus she also has a personal responsibility to guard one person too as the guy's personal guardian. But Angeni also has a rank and a prophetic name in the story. So we've redefined many things in this matter. Well, it's a complex story.

But if she's destined to protect the world from the Crystal Shade, it implies she already knows what the Crystal Shade is.

Yes and no. In the story everyone believes they knows what CS really is. She believes in it too. But in the story she is realizing it's much more and their knowledge regarding it is just scratching the surface. The entire story is all about to learn; what the Crystal Shade really is? She and everyone else knows something about it, but that doesn't mean it's the truth. As the story is progressing Angeni is realizing, she knows nothing about it in the reality it's true purpose and nature is something else then anyone ever believed.

[Jaligard]

But if she's destined to protect the world from the Crystal Shade, it implies she already knows what the Crystal Shade is.

Yes and no. In the story everyone believes they knows what CS really is. She believes in it too. But in the story she is realizing it's much more and their knowledge regarding it is just scratching the surface. The entire story is all about to learn; what the Crystal Shade really is? She and everyone else knows something about it, but that doesn't mean it's the truth. As the story is progressing Angeni is realizing, she knows nothing about it in the reality it's true purpose and nature is something else then anyone ever believed.

Well, one of the problems you've got is that I don't know what the Crystal Shade is to begin with. Explaining that it's more than I thought doesn't affect me because I didn't think it was anything. You have to build the foundation of our knowledge here to make the discovery more meaningful--but only if it's a major plot point. It sounds like a detail that doesn't belong in the query letter to me.

I don't know enough about it to care yet that everything I know is wrong.

Good luck wrestling with this one. It depends on how important it is to the novel, I imagine, but this detail doesn't feel compelling to me. I would focus on what she's fighting and why.

[Guardian]

Well, that detail is actually the key element in the story. That's also the title of the story and this entire franchise... plus if you check it's website (First in my signature) you can see on few of the logos and arts it's also presenting it. I just don't have the slightest clue how to give importance to it in the query as it has in the story... As you said, it's going to be a wrestling. :)

[androidblues]

Wow Guardian, you're an awesome artist. Do you have a deviantart account?