Which opener grabs you the most? Women's fiction.

[NickB]

I agree with everything ShotintheDark wrote, both times. Spot on. So, another vote for #2 or a combo. But the opening sentence of #2 really grabbed me. Intense.

And the leaves took me out, too.

Wonderful description.

[Elsinora]

I preferred the punchier first line of Intro 1, but the rest of Intro 2. Maybe keep Intro 2, but make the first sentence shorter and sweeter? "The day I lost my confidence, the sky was gunmetal gray." You'd still have the foreshadowing you were going for, but it would be more hook-ish.

I disagree with the former poster who thought that "gunmetal" and "steel" are too close together. I think it illustrates just how bothered your protag is by the hostage crisis -- she's seeing even the most ordinary things (the sky, the buildings) through a gun violence lens. I liked it a lot.

Very nicely done, overall!

[sarahdee]

I like two also, I prefer the voice in it and love the descriptions. Agree that a combo of the first sentence from excerpt one might work well.

[TILT!]

"Both the water and the sky were the color of gunmetal the day a news story cracked my soul."

Awesome! I have been lurking here for awhile and saw your post so I had to finally sign up just so I could make this comment! I would take the first line of #1 and paste it onto #2 and run with it!

I don't know if you are/were a journalist in real life but I am second generation television photojournalist with my first news story broadcast in 1964 when I was 13. I worked in the biz for 20 years and I still have nightmares about the news story that cracked my soul! It too started as any other day... any other story...

... I then ran away and joined the circus... literally. Then I ran away from the circus to look for pirate treasures the last 22 years and I am writing a comedy about the treasure-hunting part and how my search took me to Africa, Europe, England, Canada and all over the Caribbean. A sort of Douglas Adams/Hunter S. Thompson mash-up of a true story. I may post part of it, like you did, and see what the good folks here have to say about it. You have received some great feedback here! I have the first seven chapters done. It is titled: TILT! so watch for it if you like.

I want to wish you the best of luck and I will be following your progress. If you ever want to pass something by me about working as a journalist for your book... please feel free to contact me.
Jack

[LaylaF]

I liked the second one better. It seemed to move faster and I felt more energy. The first one had too many descriptive sentences for me. I got bored wading my way through the adjectives. The second one kept me moving.

hope that helps...

[erin_bowman]

I think the comments about combining the best of both are really the way to go here.

When it comes to first sentences alone, I think #1 is by far, stronger.

Both the water and the sky were the color of gunmetal the day a news story cracked my soul.

This tells me something. I get a sense of not just the weather/scenery, but WHAT is actually unfolding as the story opens. As other's mentioned, the "cracked my soul" phrase might be a little much, but I definitely prefer this approach over #2's first line.

It’s easy to get lost when you don’t know which way is up or down, when both the water and the sky are the color of gunmetal

This on the other hand seems overly vague and somewhat cliche (the not knowing up from down part), but it could just be me. Lots of people seemed to dig this opening. In my opinion, it just seems misleading. It seems like the MC is drowning or lost, literally.

From there, I agree with the comments that say #1 has some confusing (or maybe even overwritten) descriptions. I think line one of #1, paired with some reordered/condensed pieces of #2 could work wonderfully... Something like this perhaps...

Both the water and the sky were the color of gunmetal the day a news story cracked my soul. The piece of paper lay crumpled on the passenger seat beside me, directions to the scene. Small children held hostage in North Bend, their stepfather the suspected captor. I felt a rush of anxiety and my heart beat a little faster in my chest, unsure of what I would find.

I guided my KRKO Ford Escape through the thick fog of downtown Seattle on my way to breaking news, cutting corners near buildings made of cold steel. The autumn air was damp and heavy, ominous against my windshield. Summer had melted into fall, and it was hard to shake the feeling of loss.

As the fog turned to rain, I exited I-90 just 45 minutes north of the city and let the GPS guide me to an upscale neighborhood near the hulking Mount Si. Tendrils of mist strangled the mountain’s peak; the jagged tops of evergreens cut the pale sky. I drove slowly toward the address, and saw yellow crime scene tape shimmering in the rain. It was strung through trees and light posts, keeping reporters and pedestrians at bay.

Again, that's rough, but I tried to just rearrange a few of the pieces of #2. I think your last two paragraphs in that one say the same thing in different ways (as some other commenters mentioned) and I just tried to condense and pull them together... It's not perfect, but maybe a tad closer...

[sldwyer]

I really like the second one. It gives me a feeling of seeing this unfold through the characters eyes. One thing that did catch my attenion- In the begining she has a crumpled piece of paper with the directions on it, but at the end she has a GPS. If she has the GPS why does she need the paper with directions. Something small but stood out when I read it.

I agree that the first sentence of #1 could work in the beginning of #2.

Good work

[JeffLM]

The second, definately the second. Good work.

[SSB]

Excerpt one is definitely better from my view point.

[Cookie]

I like the second better. The words flow a little easier.