Synopsis: Book of Shadows

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arbraun
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Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by arbraun » October 2nd, 2010, 8:15 pm

Alex Benson just lost his wife to suicide, but that’s the least of his worries. With his wife's death haunting his thoughts, he finds he can no longer live a normal life and ends up at an Apostolic Pentecostal church. But the gods frown down on him again as his comfort zone is soon disrupted by an adolescent hypocrite named Kaitidid Rogers. She not only develops a crush on him, but also pursues him with psychic powers.

He refuses her advances, gaping when he finds out she’s a Wiccan witch, spelling him into the kind of taboo passion he’s trying to avoid. In time, teleporting herself over to his apartment and making insane demands isn’t good enough. She wants to date him in public! When he refuses yet again, she lies to the men of the church, telling them he made out with her.

Alex goes outside for a cigarette break during the evening service, only to be beaten by a small group of men who storm outside after him. Instead of taking him home, his ride leaves him to walk from the city to his flat in suburbia, an excruciating five hour trek.

By the time he gets back to the apartment, he’s fuming, screaming at Kaitidid when she materializes and asks if he’s all right. This frightens the wanton girl away for two weeks, an opportunity to seek out a woman closer to his age.

When Alex finds Drucilla Powers, she fills the void his late wife left behind. Also a Wiccan, she initiates him into her coven when he leaves Christianity. Fat lot of good the church did him with an underage psycho trying to take away his freedom. Upon coming clean about Kaitidid, Alex breathes a sigh of relief when Drucilla rushes home to cast a counter spell on Kaitidid to bind her from further mischief.

He descends back into grief when Drucilla spontaneously combusts before she can cast the spell. Beside himself, he knows Kaitidid is behind her “accidental death" and, not thinking, calls the police on Kaitidid. Alex’s heart lurches when law enforcement sides with the minor, another hoodwinked pair falling for her innocent act.

Alex also returns to his faith when he sees what Wicca has done for Drucilla. Asking God why He’s allowed Kaitidid to upend his life, Alex gets his answer: a lack of respect for others.

Repentant and renewed within, Alex finally finds relief from Kaitidid’s psychic attacks, angels blocking her evil blitz. Just as he thinks he’s safe, Kaitidid comes after him with a butcher knife because, not only did he tell on her, but also she can’t break through to him with her powers anymore.

He takes advantage of those self-defense skills he studied, pivoting out of the way. Fear sticks its talons in him when she falls to her death from his second-story window. The same police officers who warned him to stay away from her arrest him. Soon, a detective is screaming in his face.

Yet Alex is freed at the trial. The overwhelming evidence that Kaitidid stalked him—the butcher knife with her prints on it and not his, the bicycle taken out of her garage that her big sister told her to leave behind and Drucilla’s digital camera with pictures of Alex found in Kaitidid’s dresser drawer—influences the jury’s decision. Returning home, he finds his cat dead and wonders if Kaitidid has struck from beyond the grave. Alex’s suspicions are proved true at bedtime. Kaitidid’s ghost literally scares him to death.

Yet Odin has another to carry on Kaitidid’s legacy: her best friend, Chady Weathervane, whose heart is hardened after being raped.

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by Louise Curtis » October 2nd, 2010, 10:33 pm

As a Christian with Wicca friends, I found this whole story very disturbing (which is perhaps the effect you want).
There were three things that rang false for me:
1. The claim that he made out with Kaitidid - I don't think that'd be a huge deal. Assaulted her, yes. Had sex with her (willing or otherwise) - probably yes. But making out is both innocent and mutual.
2. The way he sought out a new woman so quickly after his wife's death (if it's 2 years or more, it's DEFINITELY good to find someone new. Less than a year - no way).
3. The final little paragraph. I think you're heading for a sequel there, but what you've actually got is a totally new story. When you've killed all your main characters, you can't have a sequel (you can have a series, but you'd start the action in the new book, not the end of this one). Also, the rape felt like it came out of nowhere. And be careful with writing about rape - first because you're a man, and you're writing about female rape (what would you know about such a personal thing?) and second because rape is too easy an excuse to explain a woman turning evil. It's become a cliche - and a very offensive one to a lot of good, happy women who have experienced sexual assault themselves.

Hope that helps.
Louise Curtis
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Writing Tips, Steampunk, Baby Talk, and Daily Awesomeness http://twittertales.wordpress.com

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by notw » October 2nd, 2010, 11:51 pm

arbraun wrote:Alex Benson just lost his wife to suicide, but that’s the least of his worries. With his wife's death haunting his thoughts, he finds he can no longer live a normal life and ends up at an Apostolic Pentecostal church. But the gods If you are looking at this from his stand point wouldn't it be God not gods? I could be reading that wrong though :) frown down on him again as his comfort zone is soon disrupted by an adolescent hypocrite named Kaitidid Rogers.I like the name. She not only develops a crush on him, but also pursues him with psychic powers.

He refuses her advances, gaping when he finds out she’s a Wiccan witch, spelling him into the kind of taboo passion he’s trying to avoid. In time, teleporting herself over to his apartment and making insane demands isn’t good enough. She wants to date him in public! When he refuses yet again, she lies to the men of the church, telling them he made out with her.

Alex goes outside for a cigarette break during the evening service, only to be beaten by a small group of men who storm outside after him. Were these men from his church? If so (been a Christian for 20 years & been through some crazy stuff) I think them beating him up is not very believable. Depending on what type of people you imagine in this church, would change the type of behavior towards Alex. Instead of taking him home, his ride leaves him to walk from the city to his flat in suburbia, an excruciating five hour trek.

By the time he gets back to the apartment, he’s fuming, screaming at Kaitidid when she materializes and asks if he’s all right. This frightens the wanton girl away for two weeks, an opportunity to seek out a woman closer to his age.

When Alex finds Drucilla Powers, she fills the void his late wife left behind. Also a Wiccan, she initiates him into her coven when he leaves Christianity. Fat lot of good the church did him with an underage psycho trying to take away his freedom. Upon coming clean about Kaitidid, Alex breathes a sigh of relief when Drucilla rushes home to cast a counter spell on Kaitidid to bind her from further mischief.

He descends back into grief when Drucilla spontaneously combusts before she can cast the spell. Beside himself, he knows Kaitidid is behind her “accidental death" and, not thinking, calls the police on KaitididI think the sentence looks better without the "...on Kaitidid" but might just be me.. Alex’s heart lurches when law enforcement sides with the minor, another hoodwinked pair falling for her innocent act.

Alex also returns to his faith when he sees what Wicca has done for Drucilla. Asking God why He’s allowed Kaitidid to upend his life, Alex gets his answer: a lack of respect for others. Alex has a lack of respect for others? or Kaitidid does?

Repentant and renewed within, Alex finally finds relief from Kaitidid’s psychic attacks, angels blocking her evil blitz. Just as he thinks he’s safe, Kaitidid comes after him with a butcher knife because, not only did he tell on her, but also she can’t break through to him with her powers anymore.

He takes advantage of those self-defense skills he studied, pivoting out of the way. Fear sticks its talons in him when she falls to her death from his second-story window. The same police officers who warned him to stay away from her arrest him. Soon, a detective is screaming in his face.

Yet Alex is freed at the trial. The overwhelming evidence that Kaitidid stalked him—the butcher knife with her prints on it and not his, the bicycle taken out of her garage that her big sister told her to leave behind and Drucilla’s digital camera with pictures of Alex found in Kaitidid’s dresser drawer—influences the jury’s decision. Returning home, he finds his cat dead and wonders if Kaitidid has struck from beyond the grave. Alex’s suspicions are proved true at bedtime. Kaitidid’s ghost literally scares him to death.

Yet Odin has another to carry on Kaitidid’s legacy: her best friend, Chady Weathervane, whose heart is hardened after being raped.
Wow, lots going on in this story! I was interested to see where you were going and it sounds like you have a lot of action packed in. Now it might just be me, but the ending seemed a little odd & depressing. Maybe that is what you are going for though and if it is please ignore me :) The other thing is I agree with Louise about the last sentence. That almost seems like another new story. Good luck!

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by clara_w » October 3rd, 2010, 4:05 pm

arbraun wrote:Alex Benson just lost his wife to suicide, but that’s the least of his worries. With his wife's death haunting his thoughts, he finds he can no longer live a normal life and ends up at an Apostolic Pentecostal church. But the gods frown down on him again as his comfort zone is soon disrupted by an adolescent hypocrite named Kaitidid Rogers. She not only develops a crush on him, but also pursues him with psychic powers. Great start!

He refuses her advances, gaping when he finds out she’s a Wiccan witch, spelling him into the kind of taboo passion he’s trying to avoid. In time, teleporting herself over to his apartment and making insane demands isn’t good enough. She wants to date him in public! Im curious to why is that, which is a very good sign. It also means her fascination for him has to have a motive explained further on the synopsis. It can be love at first sight, anything, but it has to be there. When he refuses yet again, she lies to the men of the church, telling them he made out with her.

Alex goes outside for a cigarette break during the evening service, only to be beaten by a small group of men who storm outside after him. Instead of taking him home, his ride leaves him to walk from the city to his flat in suburbia, an excruciating five hour trek. I think this is rather irelevant info, it could definetly be cut out.

By the time he gets back to the apartment, he’s fuming, screaming at Kaitidid when she materializes and asks if he’s all right. I`d make it more explicit, like> Scared by his violent behaviour, the wanton....This frightens the wanton girl away for two weeks, an opportunity to seek out a woman closer to his age.

When Alex finds Drucilla Powers, she fills the void his late wife left behind. Also a Wiccan, she initiates him into her coven when he leaves Christianity. Fat lot of good the church did him with an underage psycho trying to take away his freedom. Upon coming clean about Kaitidid, Alex breathes a sigh of relief when Drucilla rushes home to cast a counter spell on Kaitidid to bind her from further mischief.

He descends back into grief when Drucilla spontaneously combusts before she can cast the spell. Beside himself, he knows Kaitidid is behind her “accidental death" and, not thinking, calls the police on Kaitidid. Alex’s heart lurches when law enforcement sides with the minor, another hoodwinked pair falling for her innocent act.

Alex also returns to his faith when he sees what Wicca has done for Drucilla. Asking God why He’s allowed Kaitidid to upend his life, Alex gets his answer: a lack of respect for others.

Repentant and renewed within, Alex finally finds relief from Kaitidid’s psychic attacks, angels blocking her evil blitzIf these are not real angels, Id consider changing it. Its a very cool analogy but it can be a tad confusing.. Just as he thinks he’s safe, Kaitidid comes after him with a butcher knife because, not only did he tell on her, but also she can’t break through to him with her powers anymore. Im really scared of her, seriously.

He takes advantage of those self-defense skills he studied, pivoting out of the way. Fear sticks its talons in him when she falls to her death from his second-story window. The same police officers who warned him to stay away from her arrest him. Soon, a detective is screaming in his face.

Yet Alex is freed at the trial. The overwhelming evidence that Kaitidid stalked him—the butcher knife with her prints on it and not his, the bicycle taken out of her garage that her big sister told her to leave behind and Drucilla’s digital camera with pictures of Alex found in Kaitidid’s dresser drawer—influences the jury’s decision. Returning home, he finds his cat dead and wonders if Kaitidid has struck from beyond the grave. Alex’s suspicions are proved true at bedtime. Kaitidid’s ghost literally scares him to death.

Yet Odin has another to carry on Kaitidid’s legacy: her best friend, Chady Weathervane, whose heart is hardened after being raped.
Very cool synopsis here, and it seems to be a very original story. Good work!

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by arbraun » October 6th, 2010, 2:35 pm

Thanks for the feedback and the encouragement, everyone!

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by arbraun » October 8th, 2010, 2:41 pm

Second draft:

Alex Benson just lost his wife to suicide, but that’s the least of his worries.

With his wife's death haunting his thoughts, he finds he can no longer live a normal life and ends up at an Apostolic Pentecostal church. But God frowns down on him again as his comfort zone is soon disrupted by an adolescent hypocrite named Kaitidid Rogers. She not only develops a crush on him, but also pursues him with psychic powers.

He refuses her advances, gaping when he finds out she’s a Wiccan witch, spelling him into the kind of taboo passion he’s trying to avoid.

In time, teleporting herself over to his apartment and making insane demands isn’t good enough. She wants to date him in public!

Telling Alex she’s in love with him, apparently, this child has confused love with infatuation.

Feeling guilt over even being associated with her, he fumes, screaming at Kaitidid when she materializes. Scared by the violent behaviour, the wanton girl leaves him alone for two weeks, an opportunity to seek out a woman closer to his age.

When Alex finds Drucilla Powers, she fills the void his late wife left behind. Also a Wiccan, she initiates him into her coven when he leaves Christianity. Fat lot of good the church did him with an underage psycho trying to take away his freedom.

Upon coming clean about Kaitidid, Alex breathes a sigh of relief when Drucilla rushes home to cast a counter spell on Kaitidid to bind her from further mischief.

He descends back into grief when Drucilla spontaneously combusts before she can cast the spell.

Beside himself, he knows Kaitidid is behind her “accidental death" and, not thinking, calls the police. Alex’s heart lurches when law enforcement sides with the minor, another hoodwinked pair falling for her innocent act.

Alex returns to his faith when he sees what Wicca has done for Drucilla. God finally gives him the strength to resist the evil little girl.

Repentant and renewed within, Alex finally finds relief from Kaitidid’s psychic attacks, God’s angels blocking her evil blitz.

Just as he thinks he’s safe, Kaitidid comes after him with a butcher knife because, not only did he tell on her, but also she can’t break through to him with her powers anymore.

He takes advantage of those self-defense skills he studied, pivoting out of the way. Fear sticks its talons in him when she falls to her death from his second-story window. The same police officers who warned him to stay away from her arrest him. Soon, a detective is screaming in his face.

Yet Alex is freed at the trial. The overwhelming evidence that Kaitidid stalked him—the butcher knife with her prints on it and not his, the bicycle taken out of her garage that her big sister told her to leave behind and Drucilla’s digital camera with pictures of Alex found in Kaitidid’s dresser drawer—influences the jury’s decision.

Returning home, he finds his cat dead and wonders if Kaitidid has struck from beyond the grave.

Alex’s suspicions are proved true at bedtime. Kaitidid’s ghost literally scares him to death.

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by notw » October 9th, 2010, 11:41 am

I think this draft is better. The only thing I might consider changing would be the use of bedtime in your last sententence. To me, it makes it sound like he is a little kid, but this might just be me. :-P

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by arbraun » October 9th, 2010, 1:27 pm

Thank you!

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by arbraun » October 9th, 2010, 1:29 pm

Third try:

Alex Benson just lost his wife to suicide, but that’s the least of his worries.

With his wife's death haunting his thoughts, he finds he can no longer live a normal life and ends up at an Apostolic Pentecostal church. But God frowns down on him again as his comfort zone is soon disrupted by an adolescent hypocrite named Kaitidid Rogers. She not only develops a crush on him, but also pursues him with psychic powers.

He refuses her advances, gaping when he finds out she’s a Wiccan witch, spelling him into the kind of taboo passion he’s trying to avoid.

In time, teleporting herself over to his apartment and making insane demands isn’t good enough. She wants to date him in public!

Telling Alex she’s in love with him, apparently, this child has confused love with infatuation.

Feeling guilt over even being associated with her, he fumes, screaming at Kaitidid when she materializes. Scared by the violent behaviour, the wanton girl leaves him alone for two weeks, an opportunity to seek out a woman closer to his age.

When Alex finds Drucilla Powers, she fills the void his late wife left behind. Also a Wiccan, she initiates him into her coven when he leaves Christianity. Fat lot of good the church did him with an underage psycho trying to take away his freedom.

Upon coming clean about Kaitidid, Alex breathes a sigh of relief when Drucilla rushes home to cast a counter spell on Kaitidid to bind her from further mischief.

He descends back into grief when Drucilla spontaneously combusts before she can cast the spell.

Beside himself, he knows Kaitidid is behind her “accidental death" and, not thinking, calls the police. Alex’s heart lurches when law enforcement sides with the minor, another hoodwinked pair falling for her innocent act.

Alex returns to his faith when he sees what Wicca has done for Drucilla. God finally gives him the strength to resist the evil little girl.

Repentant and renewed within, Alex finally finds relief from Kaitidid’s psychic attacks, God’s angels blocking her evil blitz.

Just as he thinks he’s safe, Kaitidid comes after him with a butcher knife because, not only did he tell on her, but also she can’t break through to him with her powers anymore.

He takes advantage of those self-defense skills he studied, pivoting out of the way. Fear sticks its talons in him when she falls to her death from his second-story window. The same police officers who warned him to stay away from her arrest him. Soon, a detective is screaming in his face.

Yet Alex is freed at the trial. The overwhelming evidence that Kaitidid stalked him—the butcher knife with her prints on it and not his, the bicycle taken out of her garage that her big sister told her to leave behind and Drucilla’s digital camera with pictures of Alex found in Kaitidid’s dresser drawer—influences the jury’s decision.

Returning home, he finds his cat dead and wonders if Kaitidid has struck from beyond the grave.

Alex’s suspicions are proved true when he retires for the evening. Kaitidid’s ghost literally scares him to death.

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by notw » October 10th, 2010, 1:17 pm

I like it! :)

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by notw » October 10th, 2010, 1:17 pm

I like it! :)

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by arbraun » October 10th, 2010, 6:46 pm

Thank you!

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by Steppe » October 18th, 2010, 3:32 pm

Sounds like a good skeleton for an excellent horror story.
The battle could continue from the point you ended the outline drawing in a third eldest wisest female
who expresses contempt (the female input above incorporated as motive) for the motivations of the first two females in conflict leading him to a long term method to transcend
and hold at bay the previous; destroyer character and rival healer character. A situation whereby through interacting the male protagonist and third female find a long term solution to long term problems. Archetype spring and summer as the first two characters with female three as strength gatherer and fire keeper of the fall for the mans role as winter overcoming itself through activity and immersion.

Movie suggestions:
in order of story complexity.

5ive Girls (char-1)
The Devils Backbone (char 1vs2)
The Orphanage (char 3trumps1)
The Many Lives of Ian Stone (redemptive close for 3 & male protagonist.)


Break a leg brother.

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Re: Synopsis: Book of Shadows

Post by arbraun » October 19th, 2010, 12:20 pm

Thanks. I've seen The Devil's Backbone. Creepy little flick, that was.

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