Fantasy Novel Query-- "3rd" draft

[wilderness]

Hello,

Kellek belongs to a sect of mystics that can see into the future, but he couldn’t foresee his closest friend, a legendary knight, having his heart stolen by a love-struck witch, reducing him to a mindless zombie. A lot of clauses. Break this sentence up. But the content is better than the previous version. When his masters warn that the knight is destined to stop a monstrous army poised to invade the land of Neyria, Kellek goes on a quest for the cure.

Only Madhavan, a mage who had vanished long ago, can mend the zombie knight. On his journey to find the mage, Kellek meets Delmara, a beautiful dracodane—a dragon cursed to human likeness. Believing that Madhavan can also break her curse, she proposes that they seek out other dracodanes. Kellek agrees, realizing that perhaps his masters meant that the journey itself would thwart their enemies. After all, a half-dozen dragons could stop any army in its tracks.

Their road takes them across haunted swamps, through the Farouzan Forest—where the trees reach the clouds and the crows are as large as a warhorse, and into a city besieged by the same fiendish army that would threaten to invade Neyria. Through the dangers Kellek and Delmara face, their companionship deepens into romance. This is "telling", and a little dry. Maybe tell us from Kellek's POV why he falls for Delmara. Delmara struggles between breaking the dracodane’s curse and surrendering to her human emotions, while Kellek must balance his desire for Delmara against his duty to complete his quest. This sentence is little long too. Also, I agree with bgannon that it could be stated a little more explicitly. As they get closer to finding Madhavan, they must come to terms that their success could mean losing the love they share. Good conflict!

This is much improved from the previous version. I think the story is so much more clear. I agree with the others that you can try to insert a little more voice. Try to tell us things from Kellek's POV. At the end, we want to feel his deep pain over the conflict. Nice work, though!

[sgf]

Here's my "3rd" attempt at a query. Is it getting there yet? Do the changes evoke any new questions? Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions!

Dear agent,

Kellek has always been good in a fight; the decision-making and glory he leaves to his friend Brompst, a legendary knight. But then a love-struck witch uses a spell to steal Brompst’s heart, turning him into a decaying, walking corpse. Guilt-ridden that he didn’t stop the witch, Kellek sets off for a cure, vowing to act with all the valor taken from the once noble knight until his friend is made whole.

The promise isn’t so easily kept when Kellek meets Delmara, a beautiful dracodane—a dragon cursed to human likeness. Believing that the same wizard who can mend Brompst can also undo her curse, she plans to gather all the dracodanes to usher a new age of dragons. Together, Kellek and Delmara brave haunted swamps, outwit cunning assassins, and make their way to a besieged city where the wizard was last seen—Madhavan.

Through the adventures they share, their companionship deepens into romance. Their love, they know, is fleeting. Delmara struggles between human desire and breaking the dracodane’s curse. As Kellek realizes that his decisions could affect the lives of an entire city, he must choose between following Delmara, keeping the vow to his friend, and making his own path.

MADHAVAN is a heroic fantasy novel complete at 95,000 words.

[Guardian]

(The Opening paragraph should setup and tell the basics of the two parallel storyline, Revanel and Kellek).

(This paragraph should be together, plus you should add some hint about Revanel's progress as she is the other MC.) Kellek belongs to a sect of mystics that can see into the future, but he couldn’t foresee his closest friend, a legendary knight, having his heart stolen by a love-struck witch, reducing him to a mindless zombie. When his masters warn that the knight is destined to stop a monstrous army poised to invade the land of Neyria, Kellek goes on a quest for the cure. Only Madhavan, a mage who had vanished long ago, can mend the zombie knight. On his journey to find the mage, Kellek meets Delmara, a beautiful dracodane—a dragon cursed to human likeness. Believing that Madhavan can also break her curse, she proposes that they seek out other dracodanes. Kellek agrees, realizing that perhaps his masters meant that the journey to cure the knight would thwart their enemies. After all, a half-dozen dragons could stop any army in its tracks (Or not. Take this one out as this sounds as if your story would be way predictible. And both of us knows, it's not.).

(This paragraph is a bit average. Don't list the locations as they're meaning something to you, but not to the reader as they haven't read the story yet. So focus on the action and conflicts in this paragraph). Their road takes them across haunted swamps, through the Farouzan Forest—where the trees reach the clouds and the crows are as large as a warhorse, and into a city besieged by the same fiendish army that would threaten to invade Neyria. Through the dangers Kellek and Delmara face, their companionship deepens into romance. Delmara struggles between breaking the dracodane’s curse and surrendering to her human emotions, while Kellek must balance his desire for Delmara against his duty to complete his quest. (Focus on key conflicts in this paragraph. Try to write the last paragraph on this way where you described the conflict which is in Delmara. Also tell the conflict which resides in Kellek and Revanel.) As they get closer to finding Madhavan, they must come to terms that their success could mean losing the love they share. (To the end, add the end of the conflict.)