Dana-Lynn wrote:Hi! I only recently discovered this board, but have been a member of Absolute Write for nearly 3 years. It's so exciting to find another wonderful community where I can get to know other fellow writers.
Welcome, welcome, and at the risk of redundancy, welcome.
Kacey Donovan has bigger problems than dodging the minefields that plague most fourteen-year-old girls.
I like the concept here but one does not dodge minefields, though one may dodge
through them. Although dodge usually refers to avoiding a moving object. How about "navigating" or some such. And, minefields do not plague. They may threaten (sort of), they may impede. Irrespective of minefields, one would not dodge what plagues one. So I think those three words might best be reconsidered.
Worrying about fashionable clothes or a date for Homecoming seems trivial
How about streamlining to "worrying about clothes fashions or a Homecoming date is trivial" or some such.
in her world of isolation and fear, where her alcoholic father treats her like a punching bag.
Okay. How about switching "isolation" and "fear" to strengthen rhythm and punch.
Her mother's constant state of denial leaves Kacey to fend for herself, hated and blamed for every-crappy-thing-that's-wrong-with-Dad's-life.
Good concept but I think you can write this with more zip. At least drop "constant" as it's not doing much work. I think there's a problem making denial the subject of the sentence and personifying it by saying the denial leaves Kacey to fend for herself, when technically it is the mom doing this. Then it's a bit awkward switching subjects to Kacey after the fact (after the comma), where we almost need to look back to see if it is the denial or Kacey that is blamed.
Also, I'd remove the dashes between those words at the end. I think it will be fine and less confusing without them.
Kacey hides her bruises and despair,
For flow I'd add "her" to "despair": "and
her despair".
determined to keep everyone from finding out.
I'd drop "determined" to streamline.
Her best friend Maxine's idyllic family distracts from her personal hell,
I'd avoid making the family the sentence subject here (stick with Kacey if possible: make it from her point of view) and the wording making it sound like the family is actively distracting her.
especially with Maxine's cute older brother Wade around. Wade only thinks of Kacey like a sister, but that doesn't stop her from trying to make him realize they're meant for each other. She clings to her feelings for Wade as an escape--but the closer they get, the more Wade starts to suspect something is terribly wrong as the brutal words and emotional torture escalate.
Agree with a previous poster: what is the purpose of introducing this subplot. As written it does not tie in to the central conflict. It appears only as a tangential interlude. Suggest either say how they or Wade or Maxine actually influence the crux or outcome or omit this section.
In a battle for her life, Kacey faces off with her worst fear: her drunken bulldozer of a father.
Awkward. Abruptly (with no prelude) we seem to have escalated into a life-threatening situation. Then instead of action we get "facing off with her fear", which implies an inner struggle (it is not clear if you mean that which she fears the most; you write it as an emotion when I think you mean it as an object: her father). Then you give us, essentially old info (her father's a drunk) (when I think you mean to lead us into the fact that he's gotten worse) (but this is not apparent here).
He's out of control, intent on making her pay for ruining his life by murdering her with a capital M.
Here again, old info for the first two clauses, and then some very important new info, but it's stuck at the end. Any way to heighten the tension and dramatizing this development more by stating the buildup of violence, and then emphasizing the intent to murder more? For one thing, it's a little odd to jump to his perspective (He's out of control, he's intent) How does she know his intent? Is it apparent? Is she speculating? Has he told her?
Kacey is a survivor, however, and although she's beaten, she refuses to give up.
This seems inappropriate to the story. First it sounds like you, the author, are injecting some comments. Second, all three of these sentiments border on cliche. Finally, they do not advance the story, so can be safely omitted.
Query sentences benefit from strong verbs. "Is" "is" "refuses" and "give" do not pack the punch you need to sell this intriguing story.
But the truth threatens to be too much for Kacey to bear when her mother reveals the reason behind her father's hatred.
Kacey's not his daughter.
I think this is a great hook. It will need a careful buildup and perhaps some afterword of what this really means to Kacey and to your story. Is it the end? What does this info lead to? Confrontation? Does it give her the strength to stand up to the monster? Also, this external demon, does it have any internal counterpart within herself? Does confronting the outer help her break her own isolation pattern? Might be good to allude to where this bombshell of info takes her. Good luck!
