First 250 words

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Amanda
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First 250 words

Post by Amanda » September 16th, 2010, 10:49 am

I've been coming across a lot of literary blogs these days that talk about the importance of the first 250 words to catch the attention of a reader and an agent.

What do you guys think of this as an intro? Is the POV focused enough, does it flow well, does it make you want to read more, is there enough detail to give you a sense of these folks without giving a lot of extra detail?

In the time before the sundering, they were one people: the Réafian, reavers who rode between the worlds traveling on the light of the moons, until the night of the black moon when everything changed.

A dark ripple crossed the stark relief of the moon path they followed. Devin looked around, frowning. In the van, he heard weeping and the creak of wagons heavy with their latest spoil.

“Cahal. Did you see that?” Devin asked.

Cahal stood in his stirrups, shading his eyes to see farther down the path. Another dark pulse. “Hold.” Cahal raised his arm. He signaled out-riders forward.

Devin watched them diminish and fade crossing the boundary from one world to the next. Another ripple. For just a second, like a silent echo, one more moon path lay next to the first.

“Black. Devin, in that vast gamut of lore in your head, have you any recollection of a black path?”

Devin’s brow wrinkled. The black path flickered again. “No, my lord."

Cahal turned to one of his gesith. "Make camp. Perhaps we will have a good

fight coming,” he said, grinning. The soldier moved off yelling orders and kicking slaves into motion.

Pulling his lute out, Devin settled against a tree. He sighed. He was tired of fighting. He was a bard, not a fighter but where his Chief went, he went. Lost in thought, he missed the riders returning at a gallop. The yelling caught his attention.
I'm a leaf in the wind.
Watch how I soar.
~ Wash

sgf
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Re: First 250 words

Post by sgf » September 16th, 2010, 10:03 pm

Hi Amanda,

Thanks for sharing your work. This type of fantasy is the kind I like to read, so you post caught my attention. I think you have a decent start, and I would read more. I think the biggest place for improvement is the setting. Consider describing the moon paths. Since they characters seem to stumble upon a strange one, I think you have the opportunity to let the reader know more about them through the MC's thoughts. Hope this helps and feel free to ask if you have any questions.


In the time before the sundering, they were one people: the Réafian, reavers who rode between the worlds traveling on the light of the moons, until the night of the black moon when everything changed. I'd consider removing this little bit of backstory. I think the beginning would be stronger starting with the character.

A dark ripple crossed the stark relief of the moon path they followed. Devin looked around, frowning. In the van, he heard weeping and the creak of wagons heavy with their latest spoil. I like the descriptions, how you added sights and sounds. But, I think the italicized part could be tightened. Generally, I think it's unnecessary to state what a character sees, feels, hears, etc. It usually reads better without these projections. Here, for example, you could just write: The wagons creaked under the weigh of their latest spoils. (Or something like this).

“Cahal. Did you see that?” Devin asked.

Cahal stood in his stirrups, shading his eyes to see farther down the path. this made me wonder how bright it could be. I was under the impression that they were in the moonlight. Another dark pulse. “Hold.” Cahal raised his arm. He signaled out-riders forward.

Devin watched them diminish and fade crossing the boundary from one world to the next. Another ripple. For just a second, like a silent echo, one more moon path lay next to the first. Consider describing the moon paths here. Or, since we're in Devin's head, maybe include some brief information about them here. You don't want to bog down the pace, of course, but I think you could convey the same information in the first paragraph here somehow.

Cahal turned to one of his gesith. "Make camp. Perhaps we will have a good fight coming,” here, I wondered why they would make camp, if they're expecting trouble. he said, grinning. The soldier moved off comma here yelling orders and kicking slaves into motion.

Pulling his lute out, Devin settled against a tree. He sighed. He was tired of fighting. He was a bard, not a fighter new sentence here, I think but where his Chief went, he went. Lost in thought, he missed the riders returning at a gallop. saying "lost in thought" pulls the reader out of the POV. Giving us his specific thoughts would keep the reader there. The yelling caught his attention.

wonderactivist
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Re: First 250 words

Post by wonderactivist » September 17th, 2010, 10:22 am

Hey this is my first stab at feedback here, so don't weigh it very heavily. Keep in mind that I read mainly novels, mysteries and thrillers, not sci-fi/fantasy; but I have read HP, LOTR, lots of Bradbury and Scalzi so I'm not a complete newbie to this genre. I'm actually planning to pick up a Briggs this week--love the covers!

As seems typical with critique, I disagree with the previous poster on your first paragraph, but I think "sundering" is not a word that needs to be in the first sentence. It took me out of the story in the first five words. However, I do want to know that they're traveling on the light of the moon. The words have a great sound overall.

That said, I think that this opening has plenty of tension and plenty of action. The "crossroads" setting of two moon paths and the one being dark looks like foreshadowing to me...I like impending danger.

What I don't care for is the dialog. I think that “Black. Devin, in that vast gamut of lore in your head, have you any recollection of a black path?” sounds unnatural--even if he's a prince--but especially if he is a simple soldier. No matter what world we're in, we don't talk to each other that way in the heat of such a tense moment.

Also, you've mixed a LOT of action in with the dialog so that it no longer sounds like a conversation. Like here:
Devin’s brow wrinkled. The black path flickered again. “No, my lord." In my humble opinion, you should remove some of the cursory explanation and keep with dialog that feels like a conversation, with tags of course. It's okay to have some action in there, just read it out with a friend to see if it sounds fast enough for a conversation.

The feeling is dark and grim. If anything, I want a small glimmer of hope somewhere in those first words...and I love your word style.

Warm regards,

Lucie

Amanda
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Re: First 250 words

Post by Amanda » September 17th, 2010, 11:08 am

Hi guys, thanks for the feedback. I'm still new to the forum so I don't know if there is a way to reply to folks individually. I think you both made some very good points, exactly the stuff I was thinking about myself. I'm going to work on this a bit more and re-post.
I'm a leaf in the wind.
Watch how I soar.
~ Wash

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sierramcconnell
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Re: First 250 words

Post by sierramcconnell » September 20th, 2010, 12:42 pm

The thing that gets me is the first sentance is just a huge run on that makes me glaze. I'm in glaze-search mode, though, so that might be why I'm pointing it out. It's like you're giving me an essay. And it doesn't entice me to read. I hope that helps a little?
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Amanda
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Re: First 250 words

Post by Amanda » September 20th, 2010, 2:38 pm

I totally agree with you.
sierramcconnell wrote:The thing that gets me is the first sentance is just a huge run on that makes me glaze. I'm in glaze-search mode, though, so that might be why I'm pointing it out. It's like you're giving me an essay. And it doesn't entice me to read. I hope that helps a little?
I'm a leaf in the wind.
Watch how I soar.
~ Wash

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wordranger
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Re: First 250 words

Post by wordranger » September 21st, 2010, 10:23 pm

Amanda, you completely lost me in the first sentance, and the dialog seems a bit unnatural.
I think you may have something here, but try reading this page out loud to yourself and see how it sounds.

Honestly though, that first sentance, if I read it in a bookstore, would make me put it down and try the next book on the shelf.

Your intro should pack a punch and make the reader engaged... It didn't do this for me.

Try re-vamping this a little, and put it out there again. I'd love to give it another read!
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My Novelette LAST WINTER RED will be published by J. Taylor Publishing in December, 2012

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khanes
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Re: First 250 words

Post by khanes » September 23rd, 2010, 3:42 pm

Hi Amanda! I think the plot of your story sounds enticing, but I have some suggestions for the first 250 words.

First of all, I would strike your first sentence and really delve right into the action. Let us get to know the main character and what he is thinking and feeling as they walk down this moon path. Also, when you said he shaded his eyes, I was momentarily confused, thinking it was daylight. Moonlight is usually dim, a kind of ghostly light that wouldn't require shading one's eyes.

I also thought the dialogue was a little bit unnatural, but maybe you are going for that, since this is a fantasy. It almost reads like it took place 800 years ago, but then again, maybe the book takes place in a time that is a little more formal.

I think setting here is huge, and that you could really describe it a bit more to give us a sense of place. When I think of a moon path, I would think of something silvery, not black.

Again, I really think the thought of following moon paths between worlds is very original, and I really like it. Put is in this scene! I'm craving more!

Amanda
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Re: First 250 words

Post by Amanda » September 23rd, 2010, 5:12 pm

LOL, yeah, I think the general consensus is to give that first sentence the ax.

I am going to re-write it with more description. I thought calling the path "stark" would tell folks that it was bright against the darkness. The path is glowing, so to see down it would be like trying to see down the road in the day light.

Yes, these folks are the equivalent of anglo-saxon/early celts with magic. In fact, gesith is an anglo-saxon word.

Gesith : A companion to the king and part of his household and warband; he was rewarded with gifts of land. In the Teutonic kingdoms of England, excepting Kent, the Gesith was an aristocrat. By the 9th century the term was replaced by that of Thane. The monetary value placed on his life (wergild) was 1,200 shillings.
I'm a leaf in the wind.
Watch how I soar.
~ Wash

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writeonsistah
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Re: First 250 words

Post by writeonsistah » September 27th, 2010, 4:37 pm

Hi Amanda! I don't read a lot of this type of fantasy, so maybe part of the issue of my unfamiliarity with the genre, but I was pretty confused by this. I'd like more explanation of the moon paths and who these characters are and what they are doing there. It seems like you have the world very clearly thought out in your head, but I think the reader needs more up front explication in order to get in there with you. Just my $ .02
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