Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 4 on page 2)

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Jaligard
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Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 4 on page 2)

Post by Jaligard » September 7th, 2010, 5:27 pm

***ADDED: Latest version on page two***
***ADDED: Newest version on page two***
***ADDED: New version later on page one***

This is my post of a query letter. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!

Dear [Mr/Ms. Agent Name],

Born blind, the street musician Tessa always considered her ability to see auras—and nothing else—as more of a curse than a blessing. Living in the war-torn city of Beldessario, Tessa has few friends and has slowly traded her dreams for a life hardly worth living. She walks alongside the canals, playing her dulcimer for strangers, and relying on their generosity to survive.

When the emperor sends an emissary to negotiate the city’s surrender, Tessa’s troubles go from bad to worse. The emissary, Raz, is the world’s last fire wizard—and he has no aura. He wants to remake the world into a wizard’s utopia, no matter how many ordinary people have to die along the way. The one thing he needs most of all is an apprentice, and Tessa’s magical ability makes her perfect for the job. Raz has Tessa kidnapped to further his plan.

Tessa is not without friends, though. Alli, the Harlot of Beldessario, is the world’s last water wizard and the reason the city has never been conquered. She has been waiting for Tessa to accept her fate as a wizard. While Alli rushes to save her, Tessa must master her most powerful magic to undo Raz’s great plan.

THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO is a 90,000-word fantasy novel set in a Renaissance pseudo-Venice, complete with courtesans, sword-fights, wizard duels, and a bucket of water.

This is my first novel. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Jaligard's real name
Last edited by Jaligard on September 10th, 2010, 6:49 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Hilary
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Re: QUERY: The Heart of Beldessario - Fantasy

Post by Hilary » September 7th, 2010, 6:05 pm

I think this is a damn good query. It's clear and concise and I like the voice. The only change I'd suggest is that you take out the part about it being your first novel. If you don't have any writing credits, don't draw attention it. Just let the query stand on its own.

Good luck!

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Re: QUERY: The Heart of Beldessario - Fantasy

Post by elfspirit » September 7th, 2010, 6:15 pm

Jaligard wrote:This is my post of a query letter. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!

Dear [Mr/Ms. Agent Name],

Born blind, the street musician Tessa always considered her ability to see auras—and nothing else—as more of a curse than a blessing. I understand what you're saying, but see if you can use a more colorful phrase—or better yet, elaborate. How can an aura be either a curse or a blessing? Living in the war-torn city of Beldessario, Tessa has few friends and has slowly traded her dreams for a life hardly worth living. She walks alongside the canals, playing her dulcimer for strangers, and relying on their generosity to survive.

You've done a fine job of making me care about Tessa.

When the emperor sends an emissary to negotiate the city’s surrender, this may be nit-picking, but I thought from the phrase "war-torn" above, that you were describing a civil war. It would be more clear if you described the city as under attack. Tessa’s troubles go from bad to worse. Again, "bad to worse" is over-used; "worsen" would probably do the job. The emissary, Raz, is the world’s last fire wizard—and he has no aura. He wants to remake the world into a wizard’s utopia, no matter how many ordinary people have to die along the way. The one thing he needs most of all is an apprentice, and Tessa’s magical ability makes her perfect for the job. Raz has Tessa kidnapped to further his plan.

Good, now I'm worried about Tessa.

Tessa is not without friends, though. Alli, the Harlot of Beldessario, is the world’s last water wizard and the reason the city has never been conquered. She has been waiting for Tessa to accept her fate as a wizard. While Alli rushes to save her, Tessa must master her most powerful magic to undo Raz’s great plan.

THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO is a 90,000-word fantasy novel set in a Renaissance pseudo-Venice, complete with courtesans, sword-fights, wizard duels, and a bucket of water.

This is my first novel. It's not necessary to say it's your first novel. In fact, it will help you not to say this. Thank you for your consideration.

This is certainly a novel I would read. Venice, even pseudo-Venice, is a great setting, especially with the addition of magic. Overall, I think this is a very promising first query posting.


Sincerely,
Jaligard's real name

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Re: QUERY: The Heart of Beldessario - Fantasy

Post by thewhipslip » September 7th, 2010, 6:30 pm

I agree with the others that this is an excellent start! My comments in bold below...
Dear [Mr/Ms. Agent Name],

Born blind, the street musician Tessa always considered her ability to see auras—and nothing else—as more of a curse than a blessing. Living in the war-torn city of Beldessario, Tessa has few friends and has slowly traded her dreams for a life hardly worth living I thought the last part of this was a little vague and little cliche. I already care about Tessa, now I want to hear what the plot of the story is.. She walks alongside the canals, playing her dulcimer for strangers, and relying on their generosity to survive This sentence is more explanatory than the sentence before, so I would recommend condensing the two into this:

Living in the war-torn city of Beldessario, Tessa walks alongside the canals, playing her dulcimer for strangers and relying on their generosity to survive.
.

When the emperor sends an emissary to negotiate the city’s surrender, Tessa’s troubles go from bad to worse. The emissary, Raz, is the world’s last fire wizard—and he has no aura. He wants to remake the world into a wizard’s utopia, no matter how many ordinary people have to die along the way. The one thing he needs most of all is an apprentice, and Tessa’s magical ability makes her perfect for the job. Raz has Tessa kidnapped to further his plan This seemed a little rushed. How did he meet Tessa? You don't need an explanatory paragraph, just a sentence such as: The one thing he needs most of all is an apprentice [and I would say why he needs an apprentice - to read auras?], and when he meets Tessa on his way to the negotiation, he kidnaps her to further his plan.

Tessa is not without friends, though. Alli, the Harlot of Beldessario, is the world’s last water wizard and the reason the city has never been conquered. She has been waiting for Tessa to accept her fate as a wizard. While Alli rushes to save her, Tessa must master her most powerful magic to undo Raz’s great plan I found this last sentence to be a bit vague. It puts focus on Alli when this should be Tessa's query - I would suggest maybe cutting Alli out all-together. And I'm also not seeing the conflict as well as I should. What is Raz going to do with Tessa, and what must Tessa do to stop it? That's what we're missing in this last paragraph...and preferably, the conflict should have something to do with Tessa accepting her blindness and her ability to read auras. I think you're hinting around that, but say it specifically.

THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO is a 90,000-word fantasy novel set in a Renaissance pseudo-Venice, complete with courtesans, sword-fights, wizard duels, and a bucket of water.

This is my first novel. Thank you for your consideration. I agree that you don't need to say this is your first novel.

Sincerely,
Jaligard's real name[/quote]
Really nice job overall! I hope this helps!
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Re: QUERY: The Heart of Beldessario - Fantasy

Post by wilderness » September 7th, 2010, 10:31 pm

Jaligard wrote:
Dear [Mr/Ms. Agent Name],

Born blind, the street musician Tessa always considered her ability to see auras—and nothing else—as more of a curse than a blessing. Living in the war-torn city of Beldessario, Tessa has few friends and has slowly traded her dreams for a life hardly worth living. she walks alongside the canals, playing her dulcimer for strangers, and relying on their generosity to survive. The part I struck out is a cliche and doesn't really tell us anything. I like the rest a lot though. Intriguing hook and some nice imagery with the canals. Also really like the name of the city Beldessario.

When the emperor sends an emissary to negotiate the city’s surrender, Tessa’s troubles go from bad to worse. The emissary, Raz, is the world’s last fire wizard—and he has no aura. He wants to remake the world into a wizard’s utopia, no matter how many ordinary people have to die along the way. The one thing he needs most of all is an apprentice, and Tessa’s magical ability makes her perfect for the job. Raz has Tessa kidnapped to further his plan. I think you would do better to rearrange this information. I think you should start with Raz kidnapping Tessa and then explain why. Because otherwise it is not really from Tessa's point of view and seems inconsistent. Also, I'm a little confused about the world. If the city is part of an empire, why do they need to surrender? Or is this a foreign emperor? In fact, the whole city surrender thing seems completely separate from Raz's plan.

Tessa is not without friends, though. Alli, the Harlot of Beldessario, is the world’s last water wizard and the reason the city has never been conquered. She has been waiting for Tessa to accept her fate as a wizard. While Alli rushes to save her, Tessa must master her most powerful magic to undo Raz’s great plan. This last line is a little vague. What specifically must Tessa master? Give us something to picture. Also, does she face an internal conflict that can be tied to the external conflict? It would add more emotional drama and depth.

THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO is a 90,000-word fantasy novel set in a Renaissance pseudo-Venice, complete with courtesans, sword-fights, wizard duels, and a bucket of water.

This is my first novel. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Jaligard's real name
I like the premise. Good luck!

Jaligard
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Re: QUERY: The Heart of Beldessario - Fantasy

Post by Jaligard » September 8th, 2010, 1:29 am

Thanks for all the comments! I will be putting together a few edits tomorrow.

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Re: QUERY: The Heart of Beldessario - Fantasy

Post by Jaligard » September 8th, 2010, 6:08 pm

New version. Comments appreciated.

Dear [Mr./Ms. Agent Name],

Born blind, the street musician Tessa always considered her ability to see auras—and nothing else—as more of a curse than a blessing. Seeing auras may not win her many friends, but being able to spot the blackened hearts of brigands keeps her safe in the besieged city of Beldessario. Tessa walks alongside the canals, playing her dulcimer for strangers and relying on their generosity to survive.

When the emperor sends Raz to negotiate the city’s surrender, Tessa meets the only man so evil he has no aura. Raz, world’s last fire wizard, recognizes Tessa’s potential and kidnaps her. He wants to remake the world into a wizard’s utopia, regardless of how many ordinary people have to die along the way. The one thing he needs most of all is an apprentice, and Tessa is perfect for the job.

Tessa is not without friends, though. Alli, the Harlot of Beldessario, is the world’s last water wizard and the reason the city has never been conquered. She, too, knows Tessa’s potential as a great wizard, but wants her to come to terms with her powers on her own. While Alli rushes to save her, Tessa discovers she’s been conducting the future all her life and hurting those around her in the process. Reluctant to hurt anyone else, Tessa struggles the master this power and undo Raz’s evil plan.

THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO is a 90,000-word fantasy novel set in a Renaissance pseudo-Venice, complete with courtesans, sword-fights, wizard duels, and a bucket of water.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
[Jaligard's real name]

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Re: Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 2 on page 1)

Post by elfspirit » September 8th, 2010, 8:11 pm

I think this is great. A few points.

I don't understand what "conducting the future" means. Can you add some specifics?

I'm sure you meant "to master" in the last paragraph. I know how easy it is to go over a query again and again and miss things like this.

The story sounds even better now.

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Re: QUERY: The Heart of Beldessario - Fantasy

Post by wilderness » September 8th, 2010, 8:56 pm

Jaligard wrote: Dear [Mr./Ms. Agent Name],

Born blind, the street musician Tessa always considered her ability to see auras—and nothing else—as more of a curse than a blessing. Seeing auras may not win her many friends, but being able to spot the blackened hearts of brigands keeps her safe in the besieged city of Beldessario. Tessa walks alongside the canals, playing her dulcimer for strangers and relying on their generosity to survive. Good.

When the emperor sends Raz to negotiate the city’s surrender, Tessa meets the only man so evil he has no aura. Raz, world’s last fire wizard, recognizes Tessa’s potential and kidnaps her. He wants to remake the world into a wizard’s utopia, regardless of how many ordinary people have to die along the way. The one thing he needs most of all is an apprentice, and Tessa is perfect for the job. Still pretty good, but I would like to know how this fits in with the emperor's plans or has Raz gone rogue? Also, I'm not sure it's worth mentioning the part about the last fire wizard if you don't explain what it means.

Tessa is not without friends, though. Alli, the Harlot of Beldessario, is the world’s last water wizard and the reason the city has never been conquered. She, too, knows Tessa’s potential as a great wizard, but wants her to come to terms with her powers on her own. While Alli rushes to save her, Tessa discovers she’s been conducting the future all her life and hurting those around her in the process. Reluctant to hurt anyone else, Tessa struggles to master this power and undo Raz’s evil plan. I'm not getting that much of a vibe from Alli. She sounds like a know-it-all. Also, again, you don't explain water wizard. Finally, I don't know what "conducting the future" means. Who has Tessa hurt, how has she hurt them? And what exactly does she need to master? Specificity is your friend: See Nathan's post

THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO is a 90,000-word fantasy novel set in a Renaissance pseudo-Venice, complete with courtesans, sword-fights, wizard duels, and a bucket of water.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
[Jaligard's real name]
It's good but I think you can make it even stronger!

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Re: QUERY: The Heart of Beldessario - Fantasy

Post by thewhipslip » September 8th, 2010, 11:52 pm

The others have pretty much nailed it, but I'll put in my two cents.

Dear [Mr./Ms. Agent Name],

Born blind, the street musician Tessa always considered her ability to see auras—and nothing else—as more of a curse than a blessing. Seeing auras may not win her many friends, but being able to spot the blackened hearts of brigands keeps her safe in the besieged city of Beldessario. Tessa walks alongside the canals, playing her dulcimer for strangers and relying on their generosity to survive. Love it.

When the emperor sends Raz to negotiate the city’s surrender, Tessa meets the only man so evil he has no aura. Raz, world’s last fire wizard, recognizes Tessa’s potential and kidnaps her. He wants to remake the world into a wizard’s utopia, regardless of how many ordinary people have to die along the way. The one thing he needs most of all is an apprentice, and Tessa is perfect for the job.

Tessa is not without friends, though. Alli, the Harlot of Beldessario, is the world’s last water wizard and the reason the city has never been conquered This line always throws me. I guess I don't like the implication that the main character can't save herself.. She, too, knows Tessa’s potential as a great wizard, but wants her to come to terms with her powers on her own. While Alli rushes to save her This part in particular..., Tessa discovers she’s been conducting the future all her life I also don't get this part. and hurting those around her in the process. Reluctant to hurt anyone else, Tessa struggles the master this power and undo Raz’s evil plan. I think you just need to simplify this. Raz wants Tessa's powers, Tessa hasn't reached her full potential, obviously the powers have a good and a bad side - what's the bad side? That's where your conflict lies.

THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO is a 90,000-word fantasy novel set in a Renaissance pseudo-Venice, complete with courtesans, sword-fights, wizard duels, and a bucket of water.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
[Jaligard's real name][/quote]
**And as an extra note, let us know how old Tessa is. Agents usually like to know.
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Re: QUERY: The Heart of Beldessario - Fantasy

Post by Quill » September 9th, 2010, 12:17 am

Jaligard wrote:New version. Comments appreciated.

Dear [Mr./Ms. Agent Name],

Born blind, the street musician Tessa always considered her ability to see auras—and nothing else—as more of a curse than a blessing. Seeing auras may not win her many friends, but being able to spot the blackened hearts of brigands keeps her safe in the besieged city of Beldessario. Tessa walks alongside the canals, playing her dulcimer for strangers and relying on their generosity to survive.
Good, but consider compressing it thus, or some such, "...in the besieged city of Beldessario, where she walks along the canals, playing her dulcimer for handouts," or "...dulcimer for strangers, relying on their generosity..."

As it is, there's a slight disconnect between "Beldessario." and "Tessa walks". Like you're starting a new thought, but you're not, it's connected, but doesn't feel so. Thinking you could marry them better by continuing the sentence rather than start another.
When the emperor sends Raz to negotiate the city’s surrender,
Who the f is Raz?
Tessa meets the only man so evil he has no aura.
Who? Raz? Again, who the f is Raz.
Raz, world’s last fire wizard, recognizes Tessa’s potential and kidnaps her. He wants to remake the world into a wizard’s utopia, regardless of how many ordinary people have to die along the way. The one thing he needs most of all is an apprentice, and Tessa is perfect for the job.
Oh. I would intro this character before talking about him, somehow.

Why would this be the "one thing he needs most of all"? I can't imagine. Please tell.
Tessa is not without friends, though. Alli, the Harlot of Beldessario, is the world’s last water wizard and the reason the city has never been conquered. She, too, knows Tessa’s potential as a great wizard,
I would avoid using the word "potential" again. It was slightly awkward and modern-sounding the first time, and now it just plain sticks out.

For a lowly street girl she sure has friends in high places. How so?

but wants her to come to terms with her powers on her own. While Alli rushes to save her, Tessa discovers she’s been conducting the future all her life and hurting those around her in the process.
Those around her on the streets? Passersby? She's a street person. Who's around her otherwise? You said she has friends, but first you said she relies on strangers to survive.

Not sure we know enough about her or her world, to follow her as you up the stakes.
Reluctant to hurt anyone else, Tessa struggles the master this power and undo Raz’s evil plan.
I like the story, but not sure you have yet fully brought us into the world, brought us up to speed on who she is, and brought us along for the ride you are proposing to sell us. A few more telling details might fill out the sketchy synopsis feel that pervades everything after the very good first paragraph.
THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO is a 90,000-word fantasy novel set in a Renaissance pseudo-Venice, complete with courtesans, sword-fights, wizard duels, and a bucket of water.
"Renaissance pseudo-Venice" is unclear. Beldessario is a fake Venice? What do you mean, pseudo?

"complete with courtesans, sword-fights, wizard duels, and a bucket of water" undermines your query. Omit if at all possible.

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Re: Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 2 on page 1)

Post by Jaligard » September 9th, 2010, 6:47 pm

Third version. Hopefully getting closer. I've dropped Alli from the query and focused even more on Tessa and her powers.

Comments appreciated.

Dear [Mr./Ms. Agent Name],

Born blind, the street musician Tessa always considered her ability to see auras—and nothing else—as more of a curse than a blessing. Seeing auras may not win her many friends, but being able to spot the blackened hearts of brigands keeps her safe in the besieged city of Beldessario. Tessa walks alongside the canals, playing her dulcimer for strangers and relying on their generosity to survive.

Tessa’s meagre life is torn asunder when she is kidnapped by Raz, a man so evil he has no aura. Sent by the emperor to negotiate the city’s surrender, the fire wizard has a greater plan. He wants to remake the world into a wizard’s utopia and does not care how many ordinary people have to die along the way. The one thing he needs most of all is an apprentice to carry on after him, and Tessa is perfect for the job.

As Raz’s captive, Tessa learns that she has been working magic all her life. Whenever she offers a tribute worthy of her prayers, her request is granted. It has earned her a patron, a place to live, and protected her virtue on the streets, but left her penniless and alone. With nothing left to sacrifice, Tessa must outsmart Raz before she becomes a wizard as depraved as he and, while she is at it, undo his evil plan.

THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO is a 90,000-word fantasy novel set in a Renaissance pseudo-Venice, complete with courtesans, sword-fights, wizard duels, and a bucket of water.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
[Jaligard's real name]
Last edited by Jaligard on September 10th, 2010, 6:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 2 on page 1)

Post by thewhipslip » September 9th, 2010, 7:14 pm

As Raz’s captive, Tessa learns that she has been working magic all her life. Whenever she offers a tribute worthy of her prayers, her request is granted. It has earned her a patron, a place to live, and protected her virtue on the streets, but left her penniless and alone Here's where you lose me. I'm still not clear about the good/bad to her powers. I think I'm also thrown off because you start with the auras, but never mention them again. Instead, she seems to have another power. So whatever she wants is granted as long as she makes a tribute? But how did that leave her penniless and alone?. With nothing left to sacrifice So she has to sacrifice something? i.e. her sight, her home, her money? Make that clearer., Tessa must outsmart Raz before she becomes a wizard as depraved as he and, while she is at it, undo his evil plan.

Other than that, I think it's great! Nice job!
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Re: Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 3 on page 2)

Post by D.S. Deshaw » September 10th, 2010, 12:03 am

Hi! This book sounds really great and unique. Your query is really good, too, but I was thrown off by a couple lines :) Of course, I'm just one person of one opinion! Here were the parts that threw me:
Sent by the emperor to negotiate the city’s surrender, the fire wizard has a greater plan.
You introduced him as Raz, a man so evil he has no aura. It sounds like you're talking about two different people. I would expand the first sentence to include something like "Raz the fire wizard, a man so evil he has no aura."

This sentence is also a bit of a Yoda... Raz has a greater plan (maybe: different intention) than negotiate the city's surrender for his emperor.
With nothing left to sacrifice, Tessa must outsmart Raz before she becomes a wizard as depraved as he and, while she is at it, undo his evil plan.
I'm a bit confused with this as well. If she becomes a wizard, is she going to be evil, too? However, she's been using magic this whole time, so doesn't that make her a wizard already? I'm confused about how she's going to be depraved (and of what? Do you mean evil--depraved of happiness or goodness?). I'm not seeing the stakes here, because you've already painted a picture of her being good. I don't see how she could become evil?

This last sentence really needs to epitomize Tessa's struggle and it doesn't seem like she'll have one because I'm thinking she's such a good person. Then you kind of make her secondary, less important task saving innocent people, and that doesn't seem like what you're trying to say :)


I agree with thewhipslip on your use of auras and then this other part of her powers, as well as what she has sacrificed. But I think this query besides those few confusing points is really great and I think you've got a strong book, too! Best of luck!
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Re: Query: THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO - Fantasy (v. 4 on page 2)

Post by Jaligard » September 10th, 2010, 6:46 pm

***Fourth version***

Last rewrite for the weekend. The first round of letters go out next week!

Thank you all for the help. It is much appreciated.

Dear [Mr./Ms. Agent Name],

Born blind, the street musician Tessa always considered her ability to see auras—and nothing else—as more of a curse than a blessing. Seeing auras may not win her many friends, but being able to spot the blackened hearts of brigands keeps her safe in the besieged city of Beldessario. Tessa walks alongside the canals, playing her dulcimer for strangers and relying on their generosity to survive.

Tessa’s meager life is torn asunder when she is kidnapped by Raz, a fire wizard so evil he has no aura. He wants to remake the world into a wizard’s utopia and does not care how many ordinary people have to die along the way. The one thing he needs most of all is an apprentice to carry on after him, and Tessa’s latent magical powers make her perfect for the job.

As Raz’s captive, Tessa learns that she has been working magic all her life. Whenever she offers up something in trade worthy of her prayers, her request is granted. It has earned her a patron, a place to live, and protected her virtue on the streets, but left her penniless and alone. With nothing left to sacrifice, Tessa must outsmart Raz before he twists her into a wizard as depraved as he and, while she is at it, undo his evil plan.

THE HEART OF BELDESSARIO is a 90,000-word fantasy novel set in a Renaissance pseudo-Venice, complete with courtesans, sword-fights, wizard duels, and a bucket of water.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
[Jaligard's real name]

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