new WHAT A PAINE! query page 3

[amyashley]

I had some confusion from some people about the setting, and I was trying to make it clear that this was OUR world, without going into a lengthy description. There is a somewhat veiled Twilight reference in the first few pages of the book, but it isn't too snarky.

I'm going to leave things as they stand and see what sort of feedback I get over a few days and PRAY that some kind souls both here and at AW will offer it up. The novel is out to my betas and my grammar lady now, so I want to have this ready to send. I think if an agent can't laugh over Twilight and True Blood jokes as well as getting the rest of the humor they might not enjoy the book. I want very much to make sure it finds the right hands, It's definitely urban fantasy, but there isn't a lot of hysterically funny urban fantasy out there, so agent shopping has been interesting. I have confidence in it's market value, and I know it will sell once they read a few chapters. It's addictive. I added caffeiene to it.

[Beethovenfan]

Dear Agent,

After the influx of “Twilight mom’s”,Did you mean for this to be possessive? Reece Paine believes our world isn’t ready for the truth about paranormals. Hype is giving them a bad image, and being a working vampire Mama, Does this need to be upper case? married to a demon, with a flying toddler might be more than her friends and neighbors can handle. She’s not coming out of the closet yet about her true blood origins!

Freelancing at a secret paranormal help bureau, Reece is asked to investigate recent kidnappings of paranormal children and she panics. It’s not her usual type of job, and she’s afraid for her own kids’ safety. Her fear is in not knowing how human kidnappers could know to target paranormal kids. They’ve lived beside humans throughout history without detection, far-fetched fairy tales being the only hints of their existence.

Reece continues juggling diapers and duties as cases of cookie-craving trolls and stripping succubi distract her from her fears temporarily. I think this sentance should read "...juggling diaper duties and cases of..." It gives a bit of extra humor with the play on diaper duty (dooty). Her conscience forces her to take on the job eventually, but she’ll need help nabbing the kidnappers. Some new friends with shady backgrounds are eagerly willing.They’ll tarnish her reputation as much as being a vampire might, and it looks like busting the crooks will force her secret out once they've been turned over to the police.

This week is turning out to be a huge pain, but Reece has an extra pot of coffee on and heard there’s a sale at Dillard’s this weekend, so she’s going to suck up her fears with some sugar and cream and dive on in!
Holy cow! I don't know what others will have to say but I think you might have got it! This has voice, it lays out the problem and the choice Reese has to make; it shows rather than just tells. I LOVE it! Nicely done!
My urban fantasy WHAT A PAINE! is 71,000 words and available upon request. Thank you for your consideration

[amyashley]

Thanks!! I've made a few changes, one was the "moms" I just feel like a boob for reposting 18million and fifty two times.

If people read this and LIKE it, PLEASE be inspired and understand that trashing your query and rewriting it, is the only way to get what you have to have. Also, every bit of advice is wonderful. Everyone has been helpful, and it has made me learn so much about this process. I had no idea what a query was, and I DO now. My first was crap. This one will get me somewhere.

Here

Dear Agent,

After the influx of “Twilight moms”, Reece Paine believes our world isn’t ready for the truth about paranormals. Hype has given them bad images. A working vampire mama, married to a demon, with a flying toddler might be more than her neighbors can handle.

Freelancing at a secret paranormal help bureau, Reece usually gets the bizarre cases, and when asked to investigate recent kidnappings of paranormal children, she panics. It’s not her type of job, and she’s afraid for her kids’ safety. How could human kidnappers have known to target paranormal kids? They’ve lived beside humans throughout history without detection, far-fetched fairy tales only hinting at their existence.

Reece continues juggling diapers and duties while cases of cookie-craving trolls and stripping succubi distract her from her fears temporarily. Her conscience forces her to take on the job eventually, but she needs help nabbing the kidnappers. Her new friends with shady backgrounds are willing, but they’ll tarnish her reputation as much as being a vampire might. It also looks like this bust could force her secret out once they turn the perps over to the police.

This week is turning out to be a pain, but Reece has a pot of coffee brewing, and she heard there’s a sale at Dillard’s this weekend. She’s ready to suck up her fears with lots of sugar and cream and dive on in!

My 71,000 word urban fantasy, WHAT A PAINE! is available on request. Thanks for your consideration.


Sincerely,
Amy Ashley

[lachrymal]

You have done some wonderful work on your query. I only have a few little comments and suggestions.

Dear Agent,

After the influx of “Twilight moms”, Reece Paine believes our world isn’t ready for the truth about paranormals [I don't really get this. Twilight moms should love vampires and werewolves, right? I know you want to keep a Twilight reference in here, but this one isn't funny to me. It's confusing. My concern is that it's getting the rest of your very good query off to a bad start because it doesn't quite work.]. Hype has given them bad images. A working vampire mama, married to a demon, with a flying toddler [I think you need a comma here, because the "married to a demon" and "with a flying toddler" are essentially parenthetical notations separating the subject of the sentence, "mama", from the verb--"might". Without the comma after "toddler", it reads funny to me] might be more than her neighbors can handle.

Freelancing at a secret paranormal help bureau, Reece usually gets the bizarre cases, and when asked to investigate recent kidnappings of paranormal children, she panics [because you use the word "bizarre", I don't understand why she's panicking. If she's used to bizarre, why is she thrown off by this? Could you say "Her freelancing job at the secret paranormal help bureau gets bizarre--well, more bizarre than usual--when she's asked to investigate a rash of kidnappings of paranormal children." I think you can delete "she panics", because in the very next sentence you say it's not her type of job, and you also say she's afraid. If you don't take out "she panics", I fear you have a case of overtelling. The last place you want to be redundant is a query.]. It’s not her type of job, and she’s afraid for her kids’ safety. How could human kidnappers have known to target paranormal kids? They’ve lived beside humans throughout history without detection, far-fetched fairy tales only hinting at their existence.

Reece continues juggling diapers and duties while cases of cookie-craving trolls and stripping succubi distract her from her fears temporarily [I think you can delete "temporarily"--that's made clear in the very next sentence, and a distraction is, almost by definition, temporary]. Her conscience forces her to take on the job eventually, but she needs help nabbing the kidnappers. Her new friends with shady backgrounds are willing, but they’ll tarnish her reputation as much as being a vampire might. It also looks like this bust could force her secret out once they turn the perps over to the police.

This week is turning out to be a pain, but Reece has a pot of coffee brewing, and she heard there’s a sale at Dillard’s this weekend. She’s ready to suck up her fears with lots of sugar and cream [this seems like a case of imprecise language. How can sugar and cream "suck up" anything? It would make more sense if you said "She's ready to drown her fears in a heavily caffeinated latte, strap on her soccer mom Keds, and kick some kidnapper butt" or something like that] and dive on in [one of the reasons I suggested the previous (and I'm sure you can do ten thousand times better than my suggestion) is that "dive on in" is both a cliche and pretty weak as an ending to a funny query. The end of the query is where you want the agent to be drooling, not shrugging and going "meh"]!
Best of luck with this!

[amyashley]

Thanks for the feedback! You are echoing some other feedback I am getting. I think I may take ou the Twilight reference and twiddle with the last two paragraphs.

I think it is getting really close!

[wilderness]

Here

Dear Agent,

After the influx of “Twilight moms”, Reece Paine believes our world isn’t ready for the truth about paranormals. Hype has given them bad images. A working vampire mama, a demon daddy, and their flying toddler might be more than her neighbors can handle. It felt awkward the way you had the blue part.

Freelancing at a secret paranormal help bureau, Reece usually gets the bizarre cases, and when asked to investigate recent kidnappings of paranormal children, she panics. Overstuffed sentence. Break it up. It’s not her type of job, and she’s afraid for her kids’ safety. How could human kidnappers have known to target paranormal kids? They’ve lived beside humans throughout history without detection, far-fetched fairy tales only hinting at their existence.

Reece continues juggling diapers and duties while cases of cookie-craving trolls and stripping succubi temporarily distract her from her fears temporarily. Her conscience forces her to take on the job eventually, but she needs help nabbing the kidnappers. How does her conscience force her? Does she have a good friend who's kid was taken? Her new friends with shady backgrounds are willing, but they’ll tarnish her reputation as much as being a vampire might. Where did she meet these new friends? And it seems weak that their shady backgrounds will tarnish her rep. It also looks like this bust could force her secret out once they turn the perps over to the police. How will it expose her secret?

This week is turning out to be a pain, but Reece has a pot of coffee brewing, and she heard there’s a sale at Dillard’s this weekend. She’s ready to suck up her fears with lots of sugar and cream and dive on in! Agree with the others, not enough conflict in this last line.

My 71,000 word urban fantasy, WHAT A PAINE! is available on request. Thanks for your consideration.


Sincerely,
Amy Ashley

[amyashley]

Hope this is better. I am considering cutting the last line, but I like the rest.


Dear Agent,

Vampire mania floods bookstores, theaters, even cable, and Reece Paine believes our world isn’t ready for the truth. Fiction may not be fact, but she thinks that a vampire with a demon spouse and flying toddler might be a bit more than her neghbors can swallow.

Consulting for a secret paranormal help bureau, Reece deals with bizarre cases, like cookie-craving trolls and stripping succubi. Asked to investigate recent kidnappings of paranormal children, Reece protests. It’s not her type of job, and the bureau’s no police force. She turns it down...at first. The case nags her thoughts, making her fear for her kids’ safety. Wondering how human kidnappers knew to target paranormal kids tweaks her out in a major way.

Love and friendship carry more weight than her reputation, and for her kids’ sake and her friends’ kids, Reece gives in. A few paranormal pals, and scare tactics including genii hypnotism and angel terrorism should be enough to bust the bad guys. Sure, turning them over to the cops might result in outing paranormals, but sometimes there’s risks you have to take.

This week is turning out to be a pain, but Reece sucked down an extra cup of joe today, and she heard there’s a sale at Dillards this weekend. She’s ready to rock and roll.

My 71,000-word urban fantasy, WHAT A PAINE! is available on request. Thanks for your consideration.


Sincerely,
Amy Ashley

[a3writer]

Dear Agent,

Vampire mania floods bookstores, theaters, even cable, and Reece Paine believes our world isn’t ready for the truth. Fiction may not be fact, but she thinks that a vampire with a demon spouse and flying toddler might be a bit more than her neghbors can swallow.

Consulting for a secret paranormal help bureau, Reece deals with bizarre cases, like cookie-craving trolls and stripping succubi. Asked to investigate recent kidnappings of paranormal children, Reece protests doesn't seem strong enough. Carries the image of a picket sign. What if you just cut that little part, and move on since you say she turns it down in a little bit.. It’s not her type of job, and the bureau’s no police force. She turns it down...Punctuation pet peeve (I know for a fact that it's also that of agents. it should be "down . . . at first" spaces between the periods at first. The case nags her thoughts, making her fear for her kids’ safety. Wondering how human kidnappers knew to target paranormal kids tweaks her out in a major waysentence fragment. I'm not sure if you want to make this into a question or not, either..

Love and friendship carry more weight than her reputation, and maybe so instead of and? for her kids’ sake and her friends’ kids, Reece gives in. A few paranormal pals, and scare tactics including genii hypnotism and angel terrorism should be enough to bust the bad guys. Sure, turning them over to the cops might result in outing paranormals, but sometimes there’s risks you have to take. I'm still not clear on the consequences. Yes, I know, generally what might happen from coming out, but this is your book, so is it a story on the news and people having protests, or is it full-on witch hunts with burning torches and a rousing chorus of "Kill the Beast!"

This week is turning out to be a pain, but Reece sucked down an extra cup of joe today, and she heard there’s a sale at Dillards this weekend. She’s ready to rock and roll This is cliche, plus I'm not sure it conveys what you want it too. To me this is supreme confidence and that she'll be able to handle absolutely anything, as if it's just another week. Maybe make it more ambiguous? "this weekend, if she can just make it to Saturday..

My 71,000-word urban fantasy, WHAT A PAINE! is available on request. Thanks for your consideration.

You're right there, Amy. Keep going.

[amyashley]

I'm pretty sure I am going to cut that last line. Some people laughed, but I had enough complaints against it that it feels like a risk. It also doesn't move the plot along in any way.


The actual outcome of paranormals being revealed doesn't even occur in this book since they bust the kidnappers in the third chapter from the end. The news will hit the media "the next day" according to the last chapter. Mostly, it's more of an internal fear on Reece's part since my paranormals aren't really very weird. She just needs to let go of her juvenile ideas and learn to live out loud. Others are concerned, But again I think it is an ingrained fear. People think that zombies and werewolves and everything are all nasty monsters, the paranormals are a little worried that they won't be able to get over that.

What's a stronger word for panic? Do I just put that Reece is confused? The case weirds her out because?

PLEASE BE GRAMMAR POLICE. I am so rotten at that. That's why I am sending my manuscript to someone to check it over!

[thewhipslip]

Dear Agent,

Vampire mania floods bookstores, theaters, even cable, and Reece Paine believes our world isn’t ready for the truth. Fiction may not be fact, but she thinks that a vampire with a demon spouse and flying toddler might be a bit more than her neghbors neighbors can swallow.

Consulting for a secret paranormal help bureau, Reece deals with bizarre cases, like cookie-craving trolls and stripping succubi How are these 'bizarre cases' - what's the threat here? Why do these creatures need to be dealt with?. Asked to investigate recent kidnappings of paranormal children, Reece protests. It’s not her type of job, and the bureau’s no police force. She turns it down...at first. The case nags her thoughts, making her fear for her kids’ safety. Wondering how human kidnappers knew to target paranormal kids tweaks Not familiar with 'tweaks'...I think you can go with panics.her out in a major way.

Love and friendship carry more weight than her reputation, and for her kids’ sake and her friends’ kids, Reece gives in The 'gives in' part makes Reece sound very passive. There should be some intense, driving motive that causes her to sign on for this case. That makes the book compelling, not your main character's reluctant agreement to do something that maybe she can sign off of at any time.. A few paranormal pals, and scare tactics including genii hypnotism and angel terrorism should be enough to bust the bad guys. Sure, turning them over to the cops might result in outing paranormals, but sometimes there’s risks you have to take. I'm iffy on the stakes. What could really happen if paranormals are 'outed'? I'm assuming mass chaos, but you need to tell us since we don't know the book's universe. Up these stakes. Are her kids in immediate danger? Is her life? Get my heart pumping!

This week is turning out to be a pain, but Reece sucked down an extra cup of joe today, and she heard there’s a sale at Dillards this weekend. She’s ready to rock and roll. Is this in the query? Cut it.

My 71,000-word urban fantasy, WHAT A PAINE! is available on request. Thanks for your consideration.


Sincerely,
Amy Ashley[/quote]
I think the mention of vampires in the beginning is misleading; makes this sound like a vampire novel, not broad paranormal. Hope this helps!

[amyashley]

whipslip, I felt the "our world" in the first line made the setting pretty clear.

I can't up the stakes or anything, because it isn't a thriller, it's a comedy. They catch the kidnappers and find out they are TV producers training paranormal kids to go on a reality TV show. Nobody in the book, including the reader (and an agent reading-although I don't care about keeping secrets or not) knows that until the very last chapter. The kidnapping though is really kind of a peripheral part of the book. There are a lot of subplots, a lot of twists, and a LOT of hilarity. It is very lighthearted, and nothing awful happens. There aren't really any major stakes.

I just want to interest an agent into asking for the manuscript and not try to fool them into thinking they are reading an action novel or a mystery.

Also, there are vampires, werewolves, demons, angels, succubi, trolls, genii, and tengu in this novel. I'm pretty sure I have the genre right although it has a lot of cross genre elements. She (Reece) is a VERY VERY non standard vampire. Not dead, no blood drinking, no battiness.

It's complicated. But cool. :P

[amyashley]

Maybe this clarifies some things, fixes some errors yadda yadda. I now have my beta MS to work on, so I won't be fixing this for the next week. After that if I still feel good it is going out. Majority says it is pretty good. I can fiddle with it for the rest of eternity...I don't get paid to fiddle. LOL


Dear Agent,

Vampire mania floods bookstores, theaters, even cable, and Reece Paine believes our world isn’t ready for the truth. Fiction may not be fact, but she thinks a vampire with a demon spouse and a flying toddler might be a bite more than her neighbors can swallow.

Consulting for a secret paranormal help bureau, Reece usually deals with bizarre cases, like cookie-craving trolls and stripping succubi. She’s asked to investigate recent kidnappings of paranormal children, but it’s not her type of job, and the bureau’s no police force. She turns it down . . . at first. The case nags her thoughts, making her fear for her kids’ safety. Wondering how human kidnappers knew to target paranormal kids, and why they would want them weirds her out in a major way.

Love and friendship carry more weight than her reputation, and for her kids’ sake and her friends’ kids, Reece finally caves. With some paranormal pals using scare tactics including genii hypnotism and angel terrorism she should have enough to bust the bad guys and decipher a motive. Sure, turning them over to the cops might result in outing paranormals, but some risks you just have to take.

My 71,000-word urban fantasy, WHAT A PAINE! is available on request. Thanks for your consideration.


Sincerely,
Amy Ashley

[Quill]

Vampire mania floods bookstores, theaters, even cable, and Reece Paine believes our world isn’t ready for the truth. Fiction may not be fact, but she thinks a vampire with a demon spouse and a flying toddler might be a bite more than her neighbors can swallow.

What does this tell us about your story?

1. Vampires are popular these days in stories.

2. And Reece doesn't think the world is ready to learn "the truth" (about real vampires?) (She knows something?)

3. But somebody is a vampire (maybe Reece?)

This doesn't seem enough info for your all-important first paragraph.

Also, can mania flood bookstores? Seems awkward.

Consulting for a secret paranormal help bureau, Reece usually deals with bizarre cases, like cookie-craving trolls and stripping succubi.

These don't sound as bizarre as the flying toddler. What's a succubi?

She’s asked to investigate recent kidnappings of paranormal children, but it’s not her type of job, and the bureau’s no police force. She turns it down . . . at first. The case nags her thoughts, making her fear for her kids’ safety. Wondering how human kidnappers knew to target paranormal kids, and why they would want them weirds her out in a major way.

It's unclear that she's offered an actual position, it sounds like she's simply asked to investigate kidnappings. So it feels odd that she turns IT down. It, what?

Why say that the bureau's no police force. What is that info supposed to mean to us? How does it contribute?

Also, can a case nag one's thoughts? Seems awkward. Personification of case, and all.

Also, wouldn't it be cases, instead of case, since there were multiple children, missing presumably from various homes?

Love and friendship carry more weight than her reputation, and for her kids’ sake and her friends’ kids, Reece finally caves.

Unclear what this means. Love and friendship for whom? What relation do those have on her reputation. Her reputation carrying what weight? Caves in to what?

With some paranormal pals using scare tactics including genii hypnotism and angel terrorism she should have enough to bust the bad guys and decipher a motive.

For what, ALL the recent kidnappings? Are all the recent kidnappings related? I feel like we don't have enough info to root for story or characters.

Decipher a motive? No ransom notes? How do we know these are kidnappings, then, as opposed to abductions, or murders? Gosh we know so little about this case/ these cases that it's hard to follow, let alone care. Fill us in a little more? We'd love it.

Sure, turning them over to the cops might result in outing paranormals, but some risks you just have to take.

It's all a little too clipped, giving us a mere whiff of your glorious stew, when we need a good hearty taste or two.

[amyashley]

I am about to puke over this. I am getting 50% I love it 50% I hate it. So another rewrite. If this doesn't work I will send the last one out probably since I felt most comfortable with it.

I can't give more detail because then I cloud it with subplots, and I can't make it more thrilling because it is, after all, a comedy and not a suspense or action. She doesn't kick anyone's butt. When they bust the kidnappers, she pukes on someone's shoes.

I appreciate all the feedback, I am just frustrated with rewriting because I have spent a lot of time rewriting it and felt like I have done a good job with a difficult book. The worst is, that it's a GREAT book. That's what sucks.

Dear Agent X,

“We the people of the USA”, or so they think. There’s a wider definition to “people” than most of the planet gets. Paranormals were living beside humans before humans gave themselves a name. Sure, there’s fairy tales and folklore, but it’s mostly exaggerated crap like any rumor.

Reece Paine, a vampire married to a demon, is one of those in the closet paranormals who’s sure exposure would freak out the neighbors. She consults at an undercover paranormal bureau, interpreting cases nobody can understand. This week’s got a full docket, with cookie-craving trolls running protests at a pizza parlor and stripper succubi with flashing fetishes. Driving her to drink more coffee, she’s still got diaper duties with her flying toddler at home. Asked to investigate kidnappings of local paranormal kids, she resists at first. It’s not really her thing . . . but the job pulls her in.

There’s fear about her own kids’ safety, and her friends’ kids. There’s guilt about her responsibility to do the best job she can. There’s also suspicions that bug her about how human perps knew about paranormals and why they’d want them anyway.
Roping in a few paranormal pals, and using scare tactics like genii hypnotism and angel terrorism should be enough to bust the bad guys. This week has been a real pain, but Reece is no soccer mom, and she’s ready to take a bite out of this crime.

My urban fantasy, WHAT A PAINE! is 71,000-words and available upon request. Thanks for your time.

Amy Ashley

[Quill]

Actually, this is MUCH better. It's not trying to say things it doesn't need to, and it doesn't feel thin, and the voice is coming through much better.

Dear Agent X,

“We the people of the USA”, or so they think. There’s a wider definition to “people” than most of the planet gets. Paranormals were living beside humans before humans gave themselves a name. Sure, there’s fairy tales and folklore, but it’s mostly exaggerated crap like any rumor.

I'd say "most of the populace gets" to avoid needless expansion beyond the USA.

I'd say "Paranormals have been living beside humans since before..."

I'd say "Sure there are fairy tales and folklore, but they're mostly..."

Otherwise, good opening.

Reece Paine, a vampire married to a demon, is one of those in the closet paranormals who’s sure exposure would freak out the neighbors.

in-the-closet (hyphenated)

She consults at an undercover paranormal bureau, interpreting cases nobody can understand. This week’s got a full docket, with cookie-craving trolls running protests at a pizza parlor and stripper succubi with flashing fetishes.

Good, though I still don't know what "succubi" is or are.

Driving her to drink more coffee, she’s still got diaper duties with her flying toddler at home.

The two clauses don't corroborate. How about "she 's driven to drink ever more coffee, and still has diaper duties..." or some such?

Asked to investigate kidnappings of local paranormal kids, she resists at first. It’s not really her thing . . . but the job pulls her in.

Better than previous version by far (much clearer).

"but the job pulls her in" is a bit weak. How about "but the money's good" or some such, to give us a little more info as to why she's doing it.

There’s fear about her own kids’ safety, and her friends’ kids. There’s guilt about her responsibility to do the best job she can. There’s also suspicions that bug her about how human perps knew about paranormals and why they’d want them anyway.

This is good. Brings us into the story and puts us on her side.

Roping in a few paranormal pals, and using scare tactics like genii hypnotism and angel terrorism should be enough to bust the bad guys. This week has been a real pain, but Reece is no soccer mom, and she’s ready to take a bite out of this crime.

Nice. Well done teaser ending and conveys the humor. The whole query conveys the humor much better than previous version, and shows better how things fit together in your book, too.

My urban fantasy, WHAT A PAINE! is 71,000-words and available upon request. Thanks for your time.

Amy Ashley

Good. And your word count and title will help sell it, too. Good luck!