WYRM FIEND query YA Urban Fantasy

[gilesth]

Very cool. Thank you guys SO much! I sent out the following version of my query the other day, got one prompt rejection (and to be fair, this book would be a bit of a stretch for that agent... at least if his current client list is any indicator) and I have three unanswered letters. I'm taking this slow so that I can continue to polish the letter. Anyway, here's what I sent out with one small (unimportant) change that I made a minute ago. Any more thoughts?

Sixteen-year-old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne, are dragon slayers for the Denver branch of the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends. Days after their first kill, a dragon named Tiraenar abducts Yvonne and gives Chris thirty days to track down his partner before she’s turned into a virgin sacrifice. Though Chris is certain that the beast is luring him to its lair kill him, he sets out to save Yvonne so that, together, they can destroy Tiraenar.

However, a cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to use magic to stop Chris from finding the beast. They believe that dragons’ blood carries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, that evil will destroy the United States.

To make matters worse, Chris starts growing horns and wings. He even coughs up the occasional fireball. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden, lest the Fraternity suspect him of being a dragon. If he overcomes the cult, kills Tiraenar, and saves Yvonne, then he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. Until that day, he has a job to do.

[theWallflower]

Sixteen-year-old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne, are dragon slayers for the Denver branch of the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends. Days after their first kill, a dragon named Tiraenar abducts Yvonne and gives Chris thirty days to track down his partner before she’s turned into a virgin sacrifice. Though Chris is certain that the beast is luring him to its lair kill him, he sets out to save Yvonne so that, together, they can destroy Tiraenar.

-I think you can cut "Denver branch"
-That second sentence is a run-on. Separate it
-Does the dragon really "give" Chris 30 days? Is she a hostage? If so, why? The meaning isn't clear
-Why 30 days?
-its obvious/implied that Yvonne and Chris want to kill the dragon, since they're dragon slayers. So that part isn't necessary.
-Why would the dragon want to kill Chris instead of have a tasty virgin sacrifice?

However, a cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to use magic to stop Chris from finding the beast. They believe that dragons’ blood carries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, that evil will destroy the United States.

-Cut "however"
-Cut "tries to", they obviously do use magic.
-"magic" is used too much
-I'd switch these sentences around--"A cult believes dragon's blood carries evil magic. They intend on keeping Tiraenar alive to prevent his blood from destroying the US"
-Also, how does the cult intend to do this? Show examples. That's your plot
-This is more of a summary than a query letter. In a query letter, you want to do a plot synopsis. Tell what happened -- plot event A, B, and C. Tangible events. Say what happened. Say what obstacles the hero has to face, not just that there's a cult. What does the cult do to stop him? What does the dragon to stop him? And what's Chris going to do about it?

To make matters worse, Chris starts growing horns and wings. He even coughs up the occasional fireball. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep his shape-shifting hidden, lest the Fraternity suspect him of being a dragon. If he overcomes the cult, kills Tiraenar, and saves Yvonne, then he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. Until that day, he has a job to do.

-Why? Is it a disease of some kind? This seems like too much for the plot, like filler to add tension
-I don't like those last two sentences. It seems like you're trying to be cute.

[gilesth]

Wallflower, I always appreciate your take on my queries! :D I have a couple of questions, so I'll explain where I'm coming from really quick

A fact about Chris that doesn't show up in this query, which is actually quite essential to the story - the "why" Yvonne is kidnapped instead outright killed - is that Chris is Tiraenar's nephew. He's half dragon. I'm trying to leave that spoiler out of the query as a way to entice the agents to read more (a tip I've heard from Nathan, Janet Reid of Query Shark, and a dozen other agents).

Tiraenar gives Chris 30 days because, as a 1200 year old dragon, he's actually quite patient, and even though it's been a few centuries since he devoured a virgin, he's more interested in killing Chris, who is an abomination to dragon-kind. He REALLY wants Chris to try to save Yvonne, so he gives Chris enough time to figure out a way to find him.

The cult itself isn't the meat of the plot. They're one of the handful of struggles that Chris must contend with, along with his identity as a half-dragon dragon slayer.

How do you recommend that I get the important parts of this plot into the query without making it long and boring? I want to entice the agent to read more by giving them just enough to intrigue them.

Thanks again for the help! :D

I'm also thinking through a lot of this stuff as I work today. I think I'm making some progress.

[gilesth]

Here's my most recent revision of the query.

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne, are dragon slayers for the Denver branch of the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends. Days after their first kill, an ancient dragon claiming to be Chris’s uncle abducts Yvonne. This dragon, named Tiraenar, is anxious to reunite with his nephew, so as an incentive he gives Chris thirty days to track down Yvonne before she’s turned into a virgin sacrifice. Armed with an AR-15, Chris begins his search for Tiraenar. Not to reunite with family, but to save his partner and fulfill his duty as a dragon slayer.

Less than a week into his hunt, though, a cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to blind Chris and keep him from finding the beast. They believe that dragons’ blood carries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, his power will poison the land and corrupt the leaders of the United States, bringing the nation to ruin.

To make matters worse, Chris starts growing horns, wings, and and talons. He even coughs up the occasional fireball. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep this shape-shifting hidden, lest the Fraternity suspect him of being a dragon. If he overcomes the cult, finds Tiraenar, and saves Yvonne, then he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. Until that day, he has a job to do.

[thewhipslip]

I like it!

The only comment I have is that you should mention the familial relation between Chris and the dragon at the end of the query, as in "Chris needs to find out how he's related to Tiraenar". Or cut that mention entirely...I didn't have a problem with the first paragraph before. But that's just me!

[chris13]

Ditto on the "like!"

[gilesth]

Another revision...I think I'm close to something that I can send out with confidence! :D

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne Steele, are dragon slayers for the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends. Days after their first kill, an ancient dragon claiming to be Chris’s uncle abducts Yvonne. This dragon, named Tiraenar, is anxious to reunite with his nephew, so as an incentive he gives Chris thirty days to track down Yvonne before she’s turned into a virgin sacrifice. Armed with an AR-15, Chris begins his search for Tiraenar. Not to reunite with family, but to save his reckless, headstrong partner and fulfill his duty as a dragon slayer.

Less than a week into his hunt, though, a cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to blind Chris and keep him from finding the beast. They believe that dragons’ blood carries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, his power will poison the land and corrupt the leaders of the United States, bringing the nation to ruin.

To make matters worse, Chris starts growing horns and wings. He even coughs up the occasional fireball. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep this shape-shifting and his possible family ties to Tiraenar hidden, lest the Fraternity suspect him of being a dragon. When he overcomes the cult, finds Tiraenar, and saves Yvonne, he’ll worry about his unexplainable transformation. Until then, he has a job to do.

[Diamonte]

I haven't read any of your others drafts yet, but right now, I just don't feel emotionally invested in the query letter. I don't know why I should care about Chris or any of the other characters. And the 1st paragraph is confusing me. Why would Tiraenar give Chris time to track down Yvonne? Who is Tiraenar's nephew? Why is Chris better suited for tracking down the nephew than Tiraenar?

[gilesth]

I haven't read any of your others drafts yet, but right now, I just don't feel emotionally invested in the query letter. I don't know why I should care about Chris or any of the other characters. And the 1st paragraph is confusing me. Why would Tiraenar give Chris time to track down Yvonne? Who is Tiraenar's nephew? Why is Chris better suited for tracking down the nephew than Tiraenar?

Chris is the nephew.

an ancient dragon claiming to be Chris’s uncle

Tiraenar is giving Chris time to track down Yvonne because reuniting with Chris is more important to Tiraenar than eating Yvonne.

[Diamonte]

Ha. I guess my brain wasn't working properly. >.<

[gilesth]

Ha. I guess my brain wasn't working properly. >.<

lol :D I've done the same thing while reading through other peoples' work... but that was in a college class... and it effected my final grade. Doh! Thanks for reading my query :)

[thewhipslip]

okay, I have the following comments:

[crickets] [crickets]


okay, never mind. I have no comments. Send this out!

[Write2Me]

still not loving the title though the query is good. Wyrm sounds too much like worm. You shouldnt need a thesaurus to figure out a title. Maybe we should make suggestions...how about Firebane?

[TigerGray]

Uh, I am going to go out on a limb here and say "wyrm" is a fairly common fantasy term. No one in to this sort of story should need to look it up.

[chris13]

It's looking good...just a couple of tightening suggestions....

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne Steele, are dragon slayers for the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends. Days after their first kill, an ancient dragon claiming to be Chris’s uncle abducts Yvonne. ThisThe dragon, namedTiraenar, is anxious to wants to reunite with his nephew, so As an incentive, he gives Chris thirty days to track down Yvonne before she’s turned into a virgin sacrifice. Armed with an AR-15, [sorry, don't know firearms....can you say AR-15 machine gun or whatever ] Chris begins his search for Tiraenar. Not to reunite with family, but to save his reckless, headstrong partner and fulfill his duty as a dragon slayer.

Less than a week into his hunt, though, aA cult intent on keeping Tiraenar alive tries to blind Chris and keep him from finding the beast. [one space between sentences.] They believe that dragons’ blood carries evil magic, and if Tiraenar dies, his power will poison the land and corrupt the leaders of the United States, bringing the nation to ruin.[ think you need a bit more on what the poison does to corrupt the leaders. No comment here about reality. ]

To make matters worse, Chris starts growing horns and wings. He even coughs up the occasional fireball. With a representative from the Fraternity in town, Chris must find a way to keep this his shape-shifting and his possiblefamily ties to Tiraenar hidden, lest the Fraternity suspect him of being a dragon. When he overcomes the cult, finds Tiraenar, and saves Yvonne, he’ll worry about his unexplainabletransformation. Until then, he has a job to do.[/quote]