Jade's Hurricane: 6th try

[clara_w]

All right, so I have a good reason for this: I went crazy on my query and re-did it all.

Mostly because I spent a whole morning reading Nathan's every single post about queries, and a 85 pages book about it.

Hopefully, it's working a bit better then before. As always, your help means the WORLD to me.

7th Version

Dear Agent

I’ve come across your name since you represent “XXX” by YYYY. I researched your profile on WWWW and I believe this book might be of interest to you.

Jade should control her element taming powers, but it’s often the other way around.

When she embarks on a mission to manage her abilities, she has to face not only heavy physical and mental challenges, but also recurring nightmares in which she kills her father’s murderers over and over. Although he killed them all before dying, vengeance is always with Jade, even though she tries to ignore it.
When the Shadow Man creates an army to annihilate humans who cannot master the elements, Jade will have to choose to either join him in his genocidal hatred against the same kind that murdered her father, or fight him with powers that can destroy her in the process.

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a fast-paced YA Fantasy novel finished at 90,000 words set in contemporary days. It should appeal to fans of “The Age of Five” by Trudi Canavan and “The Last Airbender” series.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Clara

6th Version

Dear Mr. _________

I’ve come across your name since you represent “XXX” by YYYY. I researched your profile on WWWW and I believe this book might be of your interest.

Jade should control her element taming powers, but it’s often the other way around.
When she embarks on a training to control them, she has to face not only heavy physical and mental challenges, but also tormenting dreams where she kills her father’s dead murderers over and over.Vengeance is always with her.

When the Shadow Man creates an army to sweep humans who can't control the elements of the face of the earth, Jade will have to choose to either join him in his genocidal hatred against the same kind that murdered her father, or fight him with all she’s got.
All before her powers destroy her and everyone that she loves.

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a fast-paced YA Fantasy novel finished at 90,000 words set in contemporary days. It should appeal to fans of “The Age of Five” by Trudi Canavan and “The Last Airbender” series.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Clara

[amyashley]

Dear Mr. _________

I’ve come across your name since you represent “XXX” by YYYY. I researched your profile on WWWW and I believe this book might be of your interest.

Jade should control her element taming powers, but it’s often the other way around.
When she embarks on a trainingtraining what?training quest, training safari, something... to control them, she has to face not only heavy physical and mental challenges, but also tormenting dreams where she kills her father’s dead murderers over and over.spaceVengeance is always with her.

When the Shadow Man creates an army to sweep humans who can't control the elements of the face of the earth, Jade will have to choose to either join him in his genocidal hatred against the same kind that murdered her father, or fight him with all she’s got.
I think this sentence needs work. Instead of "All" try "She must decide" since she only has two choices instead of sixteenAll before her powers destroy her and everyone that she loves.

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a fast-paced YA Fantasy novel finished at 90,000 words set in contemporary days. It should appeal to fans of “The Age of Five” by Trudi Canavan and “The Last Airbender” series.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Clara
First, I never read the others! Which is terrible, but I have to say that I think this is really great! Just two tiny changes and I'd send it off. HTH

[JadePhoenix]

All right, so I have a good reason for this: I went crazy on my query and re-did it all.

Mostly because I spent a whole morning reading Nathan's every single post about queries, and a 85 pages book about it.

Hopefully, it's working a bit better then before. As always, your help means the WORLD to me.



Dear Mr. _________

I’ve come across your name since you represent “XXX” by YYYY. I researched your profile on WWWW and I believe this book might be of your interest.All the agent blogs I've read, including Query Shark, have said to put this sort of thing at the end of the query. You want to hook the agent right away and housekeeping (as Janet Reid called it) puts them off.

Jade should control her element taming powers, but it’s often the other way around.
When she embarks on a training to control themmission, she has to face not only heavy physical and mental challenges, but also tormenting dreams where she kills her father’s dead murderers over and overwhat? She's having dreams of killing dead people? Why does it matter anyway? Did she kill them?.Vengeance is always with her. If her father's murderers are already dead then what does she want vengeance for?

When the Shadow Man creates an army to sweep humans who can't control the elements off the face of the earth, Jade will have to choose to either join him in his genocidal hatred against the same kind that murdered her father,This kind of seems more like the plot while the fact she can't control her powers is more of a subplot that ties in with it. You might consider focusing on her father's death and this point, and just mention she can't control her powers - "Now Jade will have to choose to....or fight using powers she can't even fully control" something like that maybe or fight him with all she’s got.
All before her powers destroy her and everyone that she loves.

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a fast-paced YA Fantasy novel finished at 90,000 words set in contemporary days. It should appeal to fans of “The Age of Five” by Trudi Canavan and “The Last Airbender” series.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Clara

This isn't bad at all and of course you're free to disregard any suggestions I made. I never saw your others either, but this one is quite good, just a few tweaks and I think it'd be ready! :)

[oldhousejunkie]

Me three...as in I didn't read your first attempts.

All right, so I have a good reason for this: I went crazy on my query and re-did it all.

Mostly because I spent a whole morning reading Nathan's every single post about queries, and a 85 pages book about it.

Hopefully, it's working a bit better then before. As always, your help means the WORLD to me.



Dear Mr. _________

I’ve come across your name since you represent “XXX” by YYYY. I researched your profile on WWWW and I believe this book might be of your interest. I agree with the other poster...Query Shark/Janet Reid says leave this at end. But I have seen some agents who like this, so I would tailor each of your queries to the specific agent.

Jade should control her element taming powers, but it’s often the other way around. Can you explain this? Why does she have problems taming her powers?

When she embarks on a training I like "quest"to control them, she has to face not only heavy physical and mental challenges, but also tormenting dreams where she kills her father’s dead murderers over and overI think I might just say, she is tormented by dreams of her father's murder and her desire for vengeance.Vengeance is always with her.

When the Shadow Man creates an army to sweep humans who can't control the elements of the face of the earth, Jade will have to choose to either join him in his genocidal hatred against the same kind that murdered her father, or fight him with all she’s got.
All before her powers destroy her and everyone that she loves.

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a fast-paced YA Fantasy novel finished at 90,000 words set in contemporary days. It should appeal to fans of “The Age of Five” by Trudi Canavan and “The Last Airbender” series.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Clara

Good job! Best of luck to you!

[EllieAnn]

Way to go! I like the story a lot. I like it so much that I want more details, which is an EXCELLENT way to leave a query reader. :-) I'd definitely read on to get to your pages and synopsis.

Just a few notes:
-why did you write "a training"? I'd love you to either define that or cut it.
-I love the line "vengeance is always with her"
-the line "before her powers destroy her and everyone she loves" should either be defined or cut. What kind of powers does she have in the first place? If it takes too long to explain it then you need to omit it, because it sounds too generic. Try something like, "before her powers of [insert her special power here] destroy her and everyone she loves."

Fantastic job! Sounds like a good book. Good luck!

[thewhipslip]

These are some good revisions. You're not spending too much wordage trying to explain everything, so kudos to you for that!

Dear Mr. _________

I’ve come across your name since you represent “XXX” by YYYY. I researched your profile on WWWW and I believe this book might be of your interest. I think "might be of interest to you" reads better.

Jade should control her element taming powers, but it’s often the other way around.
When she embarks on a training to control them You've got repeated use of the word 'control'. I would switch one or the other out, she has to face not only heavy physical and mental challenges, but also tormenting dreams where she kills her father’s dead murderers "kills her father's dead murderers" is very confusing - did she kill them? were they dead when they killed her father? Be specific here: she's dreaming again of avenging her father's death (or something similar to that) - and the other question I have is if she's dreaming of killing them someday, or if she killed them already? Starting out your YA query with a murderous teenager may not win agents overover and over.Vengeance is always with her.

When the Shadow Man creates an army to sweep humans who can't control the elements of the face of the earth, Jade will have to choose to either "choose to either" doesn't work. Just say: Jade will have to join him or"join him in his genocidal hatred against the same kind that murdered her father, or fight him with all she’s got.
All before her powers destroy her and everyone that she loves. Are her powers that out of control? I would state that earlier, something like: Jade's supposed to control her ability to tame elements, but ever since she avenged her father's murderers, her abilities are controlling her. Before she puts the world at risk, she embarks on a training mission to learn stability.

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a fast-paced YA Fantasy novel finished at 90,000 words set in contemporary days. It should appeal to fans of “The Age of Five” by Trudi Canavan and “The Last Airbender” series.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Clara[/quote]

[Joel Q]

Just a few things, and it is better than the other tries. Nice work.
JQ

I’ve come across your name since you represent “XXX” by YYYY. I researched your profile on WWWW and I believe this book might be of your interest.

Jade should (Should is passive, how about "wants to", "needs to" ???) control her element taming powers, but it’s often the other way around.
When she embarks on a training to control them, she has to face not only heavy physical and mental challenges, but also tormenting dreams where she kills her father’s dead murderers over and over. (I thought that was a hard sentence to read.) Vengeance is always with her. (I like that line.)

When the Shadow Man creates an army to sweep humans who can't control the elements of the face of the earth, (The phrase is split up by too many words, and I am guessing it should be "OFF".) Jade will have to choose to either join him in his genocidal hatred against the same kind that murdered her father, or fight him with all she’s got.
All before (I don't care for that phrase, seems a bit passive or something.??) her powers destroy her and everyone that she loves.

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a fast-paced YA Fantasy novel finished at 90,000 words set in contemporary days. It should appeal to fans of “The Age of Five” by Trudi Canavan and “The Last Airbender” series.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Clara

[clara_w]

Thank you all so much!
I posted the 7th version, taking 99% of your advices.

Thank you so much (again)!

[thewhipslip]

I think this is great! Nice work. Just a few comments.

Dear Agent

I’ve come across your name since you represent “XXX” by YYYY. I researched your profile on WWWW and I believe this book might be of interest to you.

Jade should control her element taming powers, but it’s often the other way around.

When she embarks on a mission to manage them Instead of them, 'her abilities' might work better, she has to face not only heavy physical and mental challenges, but also recurring nightmares in which she kills her father’s murderers over and over I'm still not clear on whether she actually killed them or she's fantasizing about killing them. Be clear, such as: "recurring nightmares in which she relives the revenge she took on her father's murderers", or something like that. Vengeance is always with her, even though she tries to ignore it.

When the Shadow Man creates an army to annihilate humans who cannot master the elements, Jade will have to choose to either join him in his genocidal hatred against the same kind that murdered her father, or fight him with powers that can destroy her in the process.

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a fast-paced YA Fantasy novel finished at 90,000 words set in contemporary days. It should appeal to fans of “The Age of Five” by Trudi Canavan and “The Last Airbender” series.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Clara

Overall, I think you're good to go. Good luck with this!

[clara_w]

Thank you whipslip, I think I got it fixed! =D