Query attempt for DIE AGAIN.

[joankr]

Hi Preacher,

I so totally know what you mean when you talk about getting ass-kicked by the query. I swear it's harder than writing a hundred novels!

Anyway, while I agree with most of the earlier suggestions to your query, I do have to speak up and say I thought the first line of your original query was a great hook (with a few edits):

When an Assistant D.A. is murdered, Detective Ethan Moon finds himself hunting a killer he knows, loves, and misses--and thought was already dead: his brother.

To me, this is an engaging, unusual hook that made me read on -- but that's just me.

I really like your second paragraph, but would suggest edits as follows:

Ethan expected a normal case, gather evidence, talk to witnesses, follow leads and catch the killer; The investigation proceeds routinely until a videotape found at a treatment center shows his brother is alive, and is the killer he's hunting. A radical therapy program has turned Ethan's brother into a weapon, wielded by a corrupt Senator at the head of a human trafficking ring.

The last paragraph I think should focus on the choice Ethan faces and the stakes involved -- e.g.:

When Ethan discovers his brother is being used against his will, he must choose between bringing the murderer to justice and losing his brother all over again, or fighting the corrupt senator and risk losing his own life to save his new-found brother and the young nephew he never knew he had.

Those are far from being wondrously perfect sentences (gag), but my point is to describe the choice and the stakes, not tell how the story ends. (After all, the point is to entice the agent to read the novel!)

You've far exceeded my efforts at coming up with a good query -- nice work and best of luck with the query!

Joan

[Preacher]

one thing that came up on another forum was someone asked about the therapy program: why Ethan's Brother? What made him a good choice for it? Other things like that. I thought those were things that were supposed to be revealed in the book? Sometimes i get lost with all this information overload. I don't know where to go.

So, how about this:

Detective Ethan Moon doesn't know the killer he's hunts is the brother he thought was dead.

Ethan proceeds with a routine investigation of a murdered Assistant D.A.: interviewing witnesses, gathering evidence, following leads. When he finds a videotape that shows his brother is not only alive but a killer, it's not so routine anymore, it's personal. The tape shows Jake Moon as the subject of an experimental therapy initiated by a corrupt Senator: a project that faked Jake's death and used a combination of drugs, sensory deprivation, and deep-seeded rage to mold him into mindless, efficient assasin.

When Ethan gets closer to finding out who's behind what happened to Jake and why the D.A. was murdered, he's targeted for termination. A fight between the brothers leaves Ethan barely alive, and with choice: help his brother or do his duty.

[Quill]

A vast improvement.

Detective Ethan Moon doesn't know the killer he's hunts is the brother he thought was dead.

Good.

Typo: "he's hunts".

Ethan proceeds with a routine investigation of a murdered Assistant D.A.: interviewing witnesses, gathering evidence, following leads.

Nice, saying who he's investigating.

I'd spell out "District Attorney" to avoid any possible bobble for the reader.

When he finds a videotape that shows his brother is not only alive but a killer, it's not so routine anymore, it's personal.

This is a high plot point and it's improved, but I think you can say this still better. One possibility: "Then he finds a videotape that shows his brother is not only alive but a killer." The period emphasizes the point. Then maybe say "It's not so routine anymore." to emphasize the magnitude of the point.

Or words to that effect.

Definitely omit "it's personal" which drains drama from the point, because it is implied, it is a given.

The tape shows Jake Moon as the subject of an experimental therapy initiated by a corrupt Senator

Unclear. How does the tape show the brother as both the D.A.'s killer AND the subject of mind programming? Are there multiple scenes, the murder and his own torture, compiled on the tape??

:

,

a project that faked Jake's death and used a combination of drugs, sensory deprivation,

Omit "a combination of" as redundant to the series of actual items.

and deep-seeded rage to mold him into mindless, efficient assasin.

Unclear. Whose rage? Sounds like the rage of the controllers ("YOU WILL OBEY US!!"). How about saying, " ...and his own deep-seated (not deep-seeded) rage..."

Typo: assassin.

When Ethan gets closer to finding out who's behind what happened to Jake and why the D.A. was murdered, he's targeted for termination.

Good, even though it ends in a passive voice.

A little wordy. How about "When Ethan finds out who's behind all this, including why the D.A. was offed, he's...

A fight between the brothers leaves Ethan barely alive,

Good.

and with choice: help his brother or do his duty.

Typo: missing "a" after "with".

Wouldn't it be better as "with a choice to make"?

A bit pat, help brother or do duty. How would he help his mind controlled, owned brother? In which way would the public be more greatly served by simply arresting his brother for a simple murder, rather than exposing the corruption which is really to blame?

A bit pat

[Preacher]

Closer, ever so closer.

Detective Ethan Moon doesn't know the killer he hunts is the brother he thought was dead.

Ethan proceeds with a routine investigation of a murdered assistant District Attorney: interview witnesses, gather evidence, follow leads. Then he finds a videotape that shows his brother is alive and a killer. Now it's not so routine. The tape shows Jake Moon as the subject of an experimental therapy initiated by a corrupt Senator: a project that faked his death and used drugs, sensory deprivation, and his own deep-seated rage to mold him into a mindless assassin. The last scene shows Jake being given his first hit: the assistant District Attorney Ethan is investigating.

When Ethan finds out who's behind everything, he's targeted for termination. A fight between the brothers leaves Ethan barely alive and with a choice to make.

[Quill]

Detective Ethan Moon doesn't know the killer he hunts is the brother he thought was dead.

Ethan proceeds with a routine investigation of a murdered assistant District Attorney: interview witnesses, gather evidence, follow leads.

If he proceeds, wouldn't he be interviewing, gathering and following?

Probably the colon should be replaced by a comma.

Then he finds a videotape that shows his brother is alive and a killer. Now it's not so routine. The tape shows Jake Moon as the subject of an experimental therapy initiated by a corrupt Senator

Good.

:

,

a project that faked his death and used drugs, sensory deprivation, and his own deep-seated rage to mold him into a mindless assassin. The last scene shows Jake being given his first hit: the assistant District Attorney Ethan is investigating.

Good. But Ethan isn't investigating the D.A. How about just "...first hit, the murder Ethan is investigating."

Change colon to comma after "hit".

When Ethan finds out who's behind everything, he's targeted for termination.

Good.

A fight between the brothers leaves Ethan barely alive

Good, but unclear. Does the brother attack Ethan under orders to terminate him? Or does Ethan corner him to arrest him? Or is this more of a mom-always-liked-you-best sibling rivalry kind of thing? Probably need to say something here.

and with a choice to make.

This is too blunt of an ending to the query. What choice?