Query critique 6/6/24

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
Posts: 1560
Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
Location: Pasadena, CA

Query critique 6/6/24

Post by Nathan Bransford » June 3rd, 2024, 7:14 pm

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

Dear (agent)

I am reaching out to you for representation because you have a background in litigation. And because you love the outdoors. I think you will find my debut novel of interest with its unique judicial system. It also has an unreliable rooster as an aside (he should make friends with the Cranky Chicken).

Kili Kisomio seems like a normal, mischievous 10-year-old farm girl living on a tropical island hidden from the cutting-edge, post-apocalyptic world—until the voice of an ancestor calls her to a sacred quest in a language she doesn’t understand. That night, while sneaking out in search of the interpretation, an accident leaves her face permanently scarred—but in the morning, she’s compelled to deny her calling. Keeping her secret would mean living a lie, while telling could mean expulsion from her society, a thriving commonwealth bound by oath. Kili must learn to overcome her fears and accept her heroic destiny, or else shoulder the blood of her people—forever.

KILI KISOMIO AND THE SECRETS OF MILIVEA is an 80,000 word dystopian twist for ages eleven and up. It is THE GIVER meets ELLA ENCHANTED and will appeal to readers of Davina Bell’s THE END OF THE WAR IS BIGGER THAN LOVE. It stands alone as a tale of self-acceptance, but also sets the stage for a series with subsequent titles KILI KISOMIO AND THE IMMORTAL and KILI KISOMIO AND THE WAR.

I first conceived Kili’s story at age eleven when my sixth-grade teacher declared that a true utopia could never exist. I have since lived on a tropical island, and now live in the heart of Southern Utah working with young adults as a music teacher.

Thank you for your consideration.

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