Page critique 5/2/24

[Nathan Bransford]

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

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Title: The Secret of the Haunted Castle
Genre: Middle grade, Fantasy/Adventure

First 250 words:

“Whoa,” I whispered to Buster. “What is that?” He didn’t answer me. He couldn’t. He was too busy peeing on a fire hydrant. Oh, sorry. Buster’s my dog. And I’m Joe. I’m 10, and everything I’m about to tell you actually happened. Pinky swear.

I’d taken Buster for his morning walk, and I was ready to go home. I was hungry. And cold. We’d stopped right behind our town’s oldest—and creepiest, house. It had been abandoned for as long as anybody could remember…and for good reason. Who would want to live there? The house was made of old, dirty bricks. It was three stories tall and looked like a castle, with pointy tower rooms on every corner. But it was crumbling in places, and the dark windows looked like eyes. Dead eyes.

I really didn’t want to dilly dally. Being near that house creeped me out. Especially in the dark.

“Buster, come on! Let’s go!” I stamped my foot. He always took forever, trying to find just the right place to pee. While he looked, I decided to kill time by trying to balance on the curb. I made a game of it—if I could walk the edge of the curb without falling off, I’d get an ‘A’ on my vocabulary test. If I fell off, well, I guessed I wouldn’t get an ‘A’.

Just then, as I tried to balance and earn an ‘A’ on my quiz, something moved at the corner of my eye. I looked up at the creepy house’s windows and fell right off the curb. Well, looked like I’d be studying before the quiz. But more importantly, what was that? Stepping back up on the sidewalk, I pushed my brown hair out of my eyes and stared up at the window.