Query critique 3/7/24

[Nathan Bransford]

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

Dear x,

I am thrilled to share with you HUMAN NATURE, my multiple POV, 90,000 words upmarket sci-fi romance about soulmates that explores self-realization, identity and belonging. It will appeal to fans of Becky Chambers’ accessible science-fiction, with higher stakes and a sweeping, forbidden love story reminiscent of Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone’s This Is How You Lose The Time War.

Super-feeler Selene Thrace, Moon Scientist of hidden Earth-like planet Penumbra, is disenchanted with her predestined life in an emotionally repressed society. Her routine is disrupted one night when her unique bond to the Moon enables her to sense a star-gazing human close to discovering Penumbra, the Solar System’s best-kept secret.

Penumbra’s dysfunctional governing Council, fearing for the safety of the planet if humans were to find it, sends an undercover team to Earth to identify the observer, and Selene is assigned to investigate Endy Moin, drummer in rock band SkyDusters.

A chronic insomniac with a passion for astronomy, Endy spends endless nights gazing at his muse, the Moon, and is gripped by a visceral attraction to Selene the moment they meet.
Unsettled, Selene realizes that their innate connection and instant chemistry means Endy is her observer. But when she discovers that Endy unwittingly took a photo of Penumbra, Selene feels duty-bound to alert the Council. Despite her reassurances that Endy is unaware of Penumbra’s existence, councillors view him as a threat and plan to silence him.

Although aware of the impossibility of their relationship, Selene is overwhelmed by her feelings for Endy, and secretly returns to Earth to be by his side. Away from Penumbra’s societal constraints, and in the comfort of Endy’s love, she begins to understand the nature of her existential malaise and to question where she truly belongs. But, as councillors proceed with taking action against Endy and his life now hangs in the balance, Selene must choose between saving her soulmate and protecting her planet, or risk loosing both.

HUMAN NATURE is loosely inspired by the myth of Selene and Endymion, and would be my debut novel. I am a member of the Federation of British Columbia Writers and have an MA in English Literature and Linguistics. I live in North Vancouver with my husband and our dog Marlowe, named after Raymond Chandler’s laconic detective.

Thank you for your consideration,

CW: mental illness, mention of off-page suicide.