Query critique 6/1/23

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Query critique 6/1/23

Post by Nathan Bransford » May 30th, 2023, 5:23 pm

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

Dear Agent;


Kade Maddox’s fifteenth birthday sucks. However, one good thing comes out of it: the brave yet obedient teen is allowed to leave home for the first time. Actually, he’s ordered by his mother. She wants Kade to take his two younger (twin) siblings to a cabin high in the mountains. She gives no other reason but “to protect them from AIB” — a clandestine agency who wants to use the children to start a war.

Strange misfortunes befall Kade while leaving his secluded Appalachian compound. He accidently discovers he has electrokinetic abilities; unmarked helicopters spray a red mist over the cabin; and he begins to question…well…everything. But when he witnesses his mother’s death and is shot by a deranged hunter, Kade becomes lost. Not knowing what to do, he submits to his recently-resurrected older brother Grayson’s wishes and takes the twins to a small town outside Savannah, Georgia.

While laying-low in Magnolia, Kade works hard to fit-in with the townies and appease Grayson. He attends high school for the first time, makes a couple of friends, and trains to defend his family. He also learns that he and his siblings are genetically-modified beings, trained since birth to become super-soldiers for the U.S. government. But when Kade attracts the attention of prominent locals, he must make a choice: break his promise to his mother or stay even if it put his siblings at risk. If Kade comes to terms with the monster inside, he may stand a chance at controlling his own fate and saving his family. If not, more than just their lives are in danger.

EXTRAORDINARY TALENTS is a 76,000-word, YA SFF/ thriller. I believe it will appeal to fans of Flawed by Cecelia Ahem and The Dysasters by P.C. Cast & Kristen Cast. I am a member of SCBWI and former children’s bookseller.

Thank you for your time.

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