Page critique 4/13/23

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Page critique 4/13/23

Post by Nathan Bransford » April 10th, 2023, 3:09 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

July 1975

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Ted, my best friend and roommate, was on the kitchen floored pinned under the massive weight of our biggest resident, Henry.

“What the hell is going on here?” I yelled from the door. My reflexes kicked in, and before Henry could react, I pulled him off. I locked Henry’s arms behind his back while he struggled against me. Even though Henry outweighed me by a good 30 pounds, adrenaline put me in control. The fact that I was 18 and a college jock also gave me an edge. Ted grabbed a chair, climbed to his feet and, after he straightened himself out, said, “Let him go, Mike”

That was against every instinct I had. Ted couldn’t have weighed half as much as Henry. While he was two years older than me, he was a shrimp by comparison. I shot Ted a warning look, but he stared back at me with control in his eyes. After hesitating for a moment, I said, “You better not breathe unless I say so.”

I loosened my grip and Henry stood between us. Surprisingly, despite his own anger, he made no move but just glared at us. Ted was breathing rapidly from the excitement. I think he knew he won a gamble. This was the first time Henry resorted to a physical attack to try and get his way so there was no way to know what might have happened.

Ted acted like this was normal. “I think you realize what you’ve done. It’s going to be a long time before you ever leave this house again. Now go to your room.” My eyebrows shot up when Henry went upstairs without another word. His head hung like a child who had been punished.

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