Another Query attempt

[shadow]

lachrymal: Thank you SO much! You have always been such a great help with all my versions and I REALLY appreciate it! I hope this new version makes more sense. When I write my own query I don't see as much as you may and you really opened my eyes to a lot I needed to fic. Thanks!

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hanged, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider–peace.

No matter how many lashes Vitiosus takes or how many scars mar his body, he will never be what his father wants him to be: a cold blooded killer. When the clock strikes midnight and the nightmares begin, Vitiosus resents his father for his hate and tyranny. More than anything he wants to bring justice by liberating and freeing those who suffer under his father’s command.

To the humans the Lassertian kingdom is known as the Realms of Hell and Gabriel is out to change that. Being the top human warrior, hunting the Lassertian Prince, Vitiosus is the goal of his life and the light of his career. When they clash swords for the first time, sparks fly. Out of respect to his first equal adversary, Vitiosus leaves Gabriel alive but badly wounded. That night a shaman tells him of his human mother and half-brother, who is known to be the top human warrior.

His blood is impure and in the Lassertian Kingdoms breeding with the lesser humans is punishable by death. Vitiosus isn’t just a warrior anymore; he has a mission to find his brother and free his nation from his father’s clutches. He is a symbol of freedom to his people. But his father sends assassins to kill him and frames Vitiosus with the blood of the men he never killed and Vitiosus’ brother Gabriel only knows him to be the cruel prince. Hunted by his brother and father, Vitiosus wants bloody revenge.

[Sasha V]

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared try to change passive voice (strikes fear into all or terrifies all) by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hanged, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider – peace.

No matter how many lashes Vitiosus takes or how many scars mar his body, he will never be what his father wants him to be: a cold-blooded killer. When the clock strikes midnight and the nightmares begin, Vitiosus resents his father for his hate and tyranny. Maybe better … Vitiosus rebels against his father’s tyranny. More than anything he wants to bring justice by liberating and freeing those who suffer under his father’s command.

To the humans the Lassertian kingdom is known as the Realms of Hell and Gabriel is out to change that. Being the top human warrior, hunting the Lassertian Prince, Vitiosus, is the goal of his life and the light of his career. When they clash swords for the first time, sparks fly. Out of respect to his first equal adversary, Vitiosus leaves Gabriel alive but badly wounded, and that same night a shaman tells him of his human mother and half-brother, who is known to be the top human warrior.

His blood is impure and in the Lassertian Kingdoms breeding with the lesser humans is punishable by death. Vitiosus isn’t just a warrior anymore; he has a mission to find his brother and free his nation from his father’s clutches. He is a symbol of freedom to his people.

From a shaman Vitiosus finds out about his lesser human mother and half-brother. He suspects that his brother is the same top lesser human warrior, Gabriel, he wounded this same day in a vicious fight. Infuriated, Vitiosus vows to find his brother and free his nation from his father’s clutches.

But his father sends assassins to kill him and frames Vitiosus with the blood of the men he never killed and Vitiosus’ brother Gabriel only knows him to be the cruel prince. Hunted by his brother and father, Vitiosus wants bloody revenge.

But his brother hates the cruel prince and hunts him as well as his father's assassins.
Is his goal bloody revenge? And what does it mean? He wants to kill his father, brother and somebody else? What about his plans to free his nation? What is he going to do?
Why does his brother hate him so much? What is the main conflict?

Hope this helps and wish you good luck.

[shadow]

Thanks so much lachrymel and Sasha V. You guys really helped me out :) Here is an updated version, Can I make it any better? Is it good at all? Does it hook you to want to read my book? I promise I will never post this query again once I get it right. I really hope you guys are not sick of me because you are really helpfull and awesome.

Dear Agent,
From the depths of the sinister forests emerge two warriors. Swords clash, each fighting for their nations, each fighting to keep their souls….

A castle stands in the lands where darkness clutches power and torments those who live there. There is only one hope, a dying flame. A man that is born to be evil. The Prince.

He has to make a choice. Stand up and fight or surrender to the devil. His choice cannot change, his journey cannot be altered; His name is Vitiosus, his identity is lost. He is a freedom seeker.

When immortal blood runs through his veins, his father’s secret is translucent. He is half-human. A shadow warrior who fights only for his rights. But death lingers far too close; a ravenous thirst for victory tries to destroy him. Love that he never expected crawls too close to his heart. He is a threat to his kingdom, the rebel that must be eradicated.

The Coming is a fast-paced YA fantasy novel, complete at 89,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.

[lunerunit]

Wow! I've taken a break from this thread but I was curious to see what you had changed since I lasted visited and Wow! This is so much better. It's like the blurb on the back of the book! Very nice!

I'd say from a quick glance that maybe add a little more detail, something that points out an interesting plot twist, or whatever makes this story unique. As is, I'm not sure it stands apart from the thousands of other fantasy books out there. I think you are on the right track though. It is easy to read and does spark the interest. Maybe just a little something more.

From the depths of the sinister forests emerge two warriors. Swords clash, each fighting for their nations, each fighting to keep their souls….I like this opening.

A castle stands in the lands where darkness clutches power and torments those who live there. There is only one hope, a dying flame - what does this mean? Too vague.. A man that is born to be evil.Why is he born to be evil? Is he evil now? The Prince. Was the prince one of the two warriors? Where do the warriors come into play? If you mention them, you should probably explain them.

He has to make a choiceGood place to explain if he's choosing to be good, even though he was born to be evil. Stand up and fight or surrender to the devil. His choice cannot change,Why not? his journey cannot be altered; His name is Vitiosus, his identity is lost How?. He is a freedom seeker why?.

When immortal blood runs through his veins, his father’s secret is translucent. - This does not make sense. He is half-human. A shadow warrior What is a shadow warrior?who fights only for his rights. But death lingers far too close; a ravenous thirst for victory tries -how can a thirst try to do anything? Try something like: his ravenous thrist for victory may destroy him because...blah, blah, blah to destroy him. Love that he never expected crawls too close to his heart. He is a threat to his kingdom, the rebel that must be eradicated. This last part is good, but could be a little more specific.

The Coming is a fast-paced YA fantasy novel, complete at 89,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.

[mfreivald]

FYI, I only read the latest version.

From the depths of the sinister forests emerge two warriors. Swords clash, each fighting for their nations, each fighting to keep their souls….<--After reading the rest, I have no idea what this is about. I can speculate that it’s V, but I’m not even sure of that.--<<

A castle stands in the lands where darkness clutches power and torments those who live there. There is only one hope, a dying flame. A man that is born to be evil. The Prince.<--I’m two paragraphs in, and I’ve only just found a character. The language leading up to it is dramatic, but murky. The last thing I would want in a query is some nebulous allusions to the maybe momentous something or another.--<<

He has to make a choice. Stand up and fight or surrender to the devil.<--Why is he facing this choice? What is the threat? I haven’t received any understanding of a threat or a problem at this point, just general statements that claims there is a threat or a problem.--<< His choice cannot change, his journey cannot be altered; His name is Vitiosus, his identity is lost. He is a freedom seeker.

When immortal blood runs through his veins, his father’s secret is translucent.<--I don’t know what you mean by “translucent."--<< He is half-human. A shadow warrior who fights only for his rights. But death lingers far too close; a ravenous thirst for victory tries to destroy him. Love that he never expected crawls too close to his heart. He is a threat to his kingdom, the rebel that must be eradicated.

My general impression here is that this letter is starving for particularity, and it needs focus upon a question for rising tension. There is almost no rising tension in this query, and the little there is comes from vague claims.

From what I read, I suspect the main question(s) that need(s) answered is: What does he have to fulfill? and What needs to happen for him to fulfill it? (and some particular consequences if he doesn’t.)

Best wishes,
Mark

[shadow]

MF and Luner Unit!

Thanks so much for your help guys. I see what you mean. Hope this is better. I think this is the one I will be using..Will just wait to see what you guys think :)

Dear Bransfor Forum members,

From the depths of the sinister forests emerge two warriors. Swords clash as each fights for his nation, each struggles to keep his soul, neither aware of the blood connection between them.

A castle stands in the lands where darkness clutches power and torments those who live there. There is only one hope of a man that can bring on an uprising, a dying flame. A man who was raised to be evil. The Prince.

He has to make a choice: stand up and fight or surrender to the devil. His choice cannot change for he can only take one side; his journey cannot be altered. His name is Vitiosus, and with his choice his identity is lost and a freedom-seeker is born.

In his quest, he discovers his father’s darkest secret: Vitiosus is half-human; a shadow warrior who fights only for his rights. But death stalks him at every turn; a ravenous thirst for victory tries to destroy him. Love that he never expected insinuates itself into his heart. He is a threat to his kingdom, a rebel who must be eradicated.

Shadow

[Emily J]

I hate to say it but I think this latest query may be a step in the wrong direction.

You don't introduce the main character's name until the third paragraph. It reads as poetic, but not specific, the sort of general verbosity that I have often seen QueryShark rant against.

I actually think that the version before this one was stronger.

Sorry! That's probably not what you want to hear... And perhaps i am in the minority on this, but I think it should start with the main character and give more specifics.

[lachrymal]

I completely agree with Emily J (sorry, Shadow--I know you've worked hard!). This latest version gives very little sense of the plot or the main character. You're not giving an agent enough to distinguish your story from the dozens of other queries she/he reads daily. Even though I know a bit about your plot from previous versions of your query, I was pretty confused as I read this version.

[shadow]

MF and Luner Unit!

Thanks so much for your help guys. I see what you mean. Hope this is better. I think this is the one I will be using..Will just wait to see what you guys think :)

Dear Bransfor Forum members,

From the depths of the sinister forests emerge two warriors. Swords clash as each fights for his nation, each struggles to keep his soul, neither aware of the blood connection between them.

A castle stands in the lands where darkness clutches power and torments those who live there. There is only one hope of a man that can bring on an uprising, a dying flame. A man who was raised to be evil. The Prince.

He has to make a choice: stand up and fight or surrender to the devil. His choice cannot change for he can only take one side; his journey cannot be altered. His name is Vitiosus, and with his choice his identity is lost and a freedom-seeker is born.

In his quest, he discovers his father’s darkest secret: Vitiosus is half-human; a shadow warrior who fights only for his rights. But death stalks him at every turn; a ravenous thirst for victory tries to destroy him. Love that he never expected insinuates itself into his heart. He is a threat to his kingdom, a rebel who must be eradicated.

Shadow

i see what you guys mean...Well, let it be..I am persistant and don't worry about my feelings...sobs. JK! Anyways I am on the fence in between deciding about building on the query above me or the following. Not too sure. What do you guys think?

Agent,

Vitiosus, warrior prince of the Lassertians, is feared by all the human Luminaries and many of his own kind. But he longs for something no warrior should ever consider—peace. No matter how many lashes Vitiosus suffers, he will never be what his father wants him to be: a cold-blooded killer. Vitiosus has nothing to lose but the guilt of following the king’s orders.

Wondering why he is different from the others of his race, Vitiosus begins a quest to find out who he really is. What happened to his mother? And why does that Luminary, whose life he spared, seem strangely familiar? Vitiosus seizes the opportunity to rebel against his father’s tyranny and improve the lives of his people, but overlooks the manipulative power that the king holds against him.

His Father fights with lies and treachery, which soon drive Vitiosus out of the Kingdom, searching for keys to his shrouded past and a way to start an uprising. Along the way, he helps a young human woman on the run. There are more hidden lies then Vitiosus expected, and soon he stumbles on a secret fact that explains his father’s animosity: Vitiosus is half-human and a threat to the Lassertian ancestry line. He must be eradicated.

The Coming is a fast-paced YA fantasy novel, complete at 89,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.

[mfreivald]

I hope this isn’t annoying (a frequent risk inherent with who I am), but I’d like to pick out your best parts and build up from there.

I skimmed the next earlier version, and I think you need to jump right into the root of the conflict. You have a pretty good opening line in this (I edited it some):

Vitiosus refuses to become the cold blooded killer to succeed the throne of war-loving Lassertian, no matter how many times his father the king lashes and mars his body.

That’s a starting point--big conflict. Good. Now build on it. What’s the next source of tension? Probably the nature of his origins.

When he finds out the king stole his mother from an enemy settlement, used her to beget Vitiosus, and then killed her, Vitiosus finds his purpose and resolves to remove his father from his cruel dominion and bring him to justice.

Rising tension=What will he do? Will he succeed?

In retaliation for the betrayal, his father slaughters one of his own patrols, frames Virtiosus for it, and sends a band of assassins.

I think you tell too much when you say he killed all the assassins. The tension is at its height just before that (will he evade the assassins? will he clear his name? will he bring his father to justice?), so take it home with:

Wanted by the law, hunted by assassins, and a threat to the royals, Virtiosus turns his heart toward revenge.

Those seem to be the compelling parts of the story. Put together we get:

Vitiosus refuses to become the cold blooded killer to earn the throne of war-loving Lassertian, no matter how many times his father the king lashes and mars his body. When he finds out the king stole his mother from an enemy settlement, used her to beget Vitiosus, and then killed her, Vitiosus’s finds his purpose and resolves to remove his father from his cruel dominion and bring him to justice. In retaliation for the betrayal, his father slaughters one of his own patrols, frames Virtiosus for it, and sends a band of assassins. Wanted by the law, hunted by assassins, and a threat to the royals, Virtiosus turns his heart toward revenge.

Polish until shiny, find small but compelling enhancements for punch and color, and sell that book!

[thewhipslip]

MF and Luner Unit!


I'm going to repeat a lot of what mfreivald said.


Agent,

Vitiosus, warrior prince of the Lassertians, is feared by all the human Luminaries and many of his own kind. But he longs for something no warrior should ever consider—peace. No matter how many lashes Vitiosus suffers, he will never be what his father wants him to be: a cold-blooded killer. Vitiosus has nothing to lose but the guilt of following the king’s orders. All backstory. First we need character, then catalyst, then what the rest of the book is spent on.

Wondering why he is different from the others of his race, Vitiosus begins a quest to find out who he really is. What happened to his mother? And why does that Luminary, whose life he spared, seem strangely familiar? Vitiosus seizes the opportunity to rebel against his father’s tyranny and improve the lives of his people, but overlooks the manipulative power that the king holds against him.
All of this could be condensed. The important points you should make:
- Vitiosus is not like the rest of his race.
- He's spared a Luminaries life, which then leads him on a quest to find himself and the truth about his mother.


His Father fights with lies and treachery, which soon drive Vitiosus out of the Kingdom, searching for keys to his shrouded past and a way to start an uprising. Along the way, he helps a young human woman on the run. There are more hidden lies then Vitiosus expected, and soon he stumbles on a secret fact that explains his father’s animosity: Vitiosus is half-human and a threat to the Lassertian ancestry line. He must be eradicated.
This all reads vague to me. Give us some details here: how does his Father fight back? What lies and what treachery? How is Vitiosus going to start an uprising? Why is the human woman important to mention? And if his mother is mentioned before, you should bring her back again in this paragraph - is she the human side of him? And how do humans play into this as opposed to Vitiosus' race?

The Coming is a fast-paced Cut "fast-paced". You're giving a reason for the agent to reject you. Let them say its fast-paced by reading it.YA fantasy novel, complete at 89,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.