1st page: BOB - YA dystopian *Take #3*

Post excerpts from your works in progress and give feedback to your fellow writers.
Krista G.
Posts: 192
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 4:47 pm
Contact:

1st page: BOB - YA dystopian *Take #3*

Post by Krista G. » July 22nd, 2010, 1:12 am

TAKE #3 IS ON THE NEXT PAGE!

This is the first page of the WIP that I'm getting dangerously close to querying (though it's still at least another round of beta readers off). I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

“Seth Tucker to the principal’s office. Seth Tucker to the principal’s office.”

Seth winced at the intercom’s parting bleep, which was loud enough to drown out his homework. (Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches seven of the expression x-squared minus--bleep--divided by x minus seven.) Honestly, that intercom had to be as old as Apple, and wasn’t this supposed to be the biomedia capital of the universe?

And what could Ms. Mahoney possibly want with him?

If Ms. Ryan knew or even noticed the bleep, she gave no sign of it. “Go ahead, Seth.”

He clambered to his feet, slung his bag over his shoulder.

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches--

He pushed the words aside, out of thought. “Homework’s due on Monday?”

Ms. Ryan still didn’t look up. “Yep.”

He nodded, stuffed his hands into his pockets, and shuffled out the door.

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches seven of the ex--

Seth slammed the calc book shut and exited B-Reader with a thought. But that only made way for a new flood of sounds and pictures, which burrowed into his brain with almost no thought at all. In the quiet of the hallway, without his homework to distract him, Stream Surfer’s smooth-talking voices were impossible to ignore.

Welcome to Stream Surfer, where the whole world is at your--Complete Will Smith collection, now available in--The twenty-forty-six International Biomedia Conference begins next week at Hermes United headquarters in Las Vegas. Top students from around the world will take part in the week-long event, which includes workshops, guided tours, and an exclusive audience with the industry’s leading man, and leading eccentric, Marvin Hermes.
Last edited by Krista G. on July 26th, 2010, 2:54 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Author of THE REGENERATED MAN (G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers, Winter 2015)
Represented by Kate Schafer Testerman of kt literary
www.motherwrite.blogspot.com

User avatar
D.S. Deshaw
Posts: 65
Joined: July 22nd, 2010, 2:27 am
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - still not the actual title:) - YA dystopian

Post by D.S. Deshaw » July 22nd, 2010, 3:47 am

Hello :) This is my first time doing this, and I noticed that no one had given you any feedback yet. Here are my thoughts:
“Seth Tucker to the principal’s office. Seth Tucker to the principal’s office.”

Seth winced at the intercom’s parting bleep, which was loud enough to drown out his homework. I'm assuming here that you mean the homework his teacher is telling him. You may want to be more specific; just "homework" is not enough of a descriptor for me here. (Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches seven of the expression x-squared minus--bleep--divided by x minus seven.) This is an interesting stylistic choice, but is it realistic? It seems odd that Seth would be able to simultaneously listen to the announcement and the entire line of his homework, besides a single number. Unless this part is completely significant to a later part of your story, I would leave it out. Honestly, that intercom had to be as old as Apple., and w Wasn’t this supposed to be the biomedia capital of the universe? This seems awkward to me, because it seems like Seth's thoughts, but you are using a third person point of view.

And what could Ms. Mahoney possibly want with him? This and the next few lines are extremely plain. I would include this particular sentence with the last paragraph.

If Ms. Ryan knew or even noticed the bleep, she gave no sign of it. “Go ahead, Seth.” It may be helpful to include 'she dismissed' after this comment. How did she say this? What does she look like (if it's even important enough to mention)? Did she look dismissive or perhaps sympathetic? Is she annoyed that he's going to miss some of class?

He clambered to his feet, slung his bag over his shoulder. What else? Give me an image of this scene. Are there other students? Are they watching him curiously? Do they care? Are they envious? Is he feeling dreadful? Is his bag heavy? Where does he sit? Where's the door? What is he noticing or thinking of right now?

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches-- I do like this here, as opposed to my suggestion above regarding the inclusion of the problem in parentheses. It seems more realistic that he would miss more of the problem than you mentioned before, because of both the announcement itself and the subsequent bleep of the intercom.

He pushed the words aside, out of thought. “Homework’s due on Monday?” I would put this up with the sentence above. Why doesn't he want to think about it? Does he even do his homework? What day is it today?

Ms. Ryan still didn’t look up. “Yep.” What is she doing, grading papers at her desk? I imagined her at the front of the class, teaching, but she wouldn't look up at him (unless he was ridiculously tall) if he was leaving in that instance. It would be nice if you set up this scene descriptively a bit better.

He nodded, stuffed his hands into his pockets, and shuffled out through the door. What else? What's outside of the door? Where is he headed, exactly, and how far away is it? Should he get there fast? What is he thinking?

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches seven of the ex--

Seth slammed the calculus book shut ( and exited B-Reader with a thought. But that only made way for a new flood of sounds and pictures, which burrowed into his brain with almost no thought at all hesitation. Using thought again is repetitious, as you said it only a sentence before. In the quiet of the hallway, without his homework to distract him, ) Stream Surfer’s smooth-talking voices were impossible to ignore. Between the parentheses marks my confusion. Did he shut his book and excite B-Reader with a thought all at once? Was the shutting of the book what excited B-Reader? What is B-Reader, and how is it excited by a thought? I'm not sure how it can lead to "new" sounds and pictures, when you haven't described the old sounds and pictures at all. How would his homework distract him--or rather, what about his homework has been distracting him?

Welcome to Stream Surfer, where the whole world is at your--Complete Will Smith collection, now available in--The twenty-forty-six International Biomedia Conference begins next week at Hermes United headquarters Headquarters should be capitalized, as it's the name of the place in Las Vegas. Top students from around the world will take part in the week-long event, which includes workshops, guided tours, and an exclusive audience with the industry’s leading man, and leading eccentric, Marvin Hermes.
All in all, it's an interesting premise. However, I'm really left with too many questions. I have absolutely no idea what's going on at all. I don't know where we are, who Seth is, or who the teachers are. Worst off, you introduced something completely and absolutely foreign at the end without any explanation. I feel like you're trying to put too much into a short space. If you flesh it out and set us up to believe his world is actually normal, it'll be that much more of an actual surprise when you introduce new technology. Right now, I just feel like you don't know what you're writing.

I am sure that if I were to read your entire book that my thoughts would change. I'm sure the further into the story a reader gets, the more they understand about the story. However, from the perspective of someone who isn't your beta reader and hasn't read your story at least five times over already, this excerpt is only interesting because I want answers. However, I want answers to questions I feel like you should've answered already.

On the other side of things, I also have absolutely no feeling for Seth at all. He's a faceless boy that I don't really know much about after 284 words. I think some of it comes from your third person perspective--but as this POV seems omniscient, I feel like I should know way more about your main character other than the obvious: 1) he got called to the office, he missed his homework, he has some kind of announcement playing in his head.

I think this idea has a lot of potential and I am definitely intrigued with what you have given me, but only because it seems very different! Different is good and it's definitely a step in the right direction. As a reader, I just need way more information so I can be pulled completely into your world and your character.

Good luck to you! Sorry if I have come off harsh, but I hope I was at least a bit helpful.

D.S. Deshaw
Show, not Tell -- blog, funny times, updated daily (weekends don't count).

User avatar
AnimaDictio
Posts: 158
Joined: June 10th, 2010, 1:07 am
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - still not the actual title:) - YA dystopian

Post by AnimaDictio » July 22nd, 2010, 11:15 am

Krista G. wrote:This is the first page of the WIP that I'm getting dangerously close to querying (though it's still at least another round of beta readers off). I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

“Seth Tucker to the principal’s office. Seth Tucker to the principal’s office.”

Seth winced at the intercom’s parting bleep, which was loud enough to drown out his homework. (Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches seven of the expression x-squared minus--bleepBLEEP--divided by x minus seven.) Honestly, that intercom had to be as old as Apple, and wasn’tisn't this supposed to be the biomedia capital of the universe? What's biomedia? What does that have to do with the intercom being old? I have a feeling that intercoms are biomedia, but you're kinda hiding the ball too much.

And what could Ms. Mahoney possibly want with him?

If Ms. Ryan knew why he'd been summoned or even noticed the bleep, she gave no sign of it. “Go ahead, Seth.” Okay, so why did she say, "Go ahead, Seth," if she didn't notice? Isn't that a sign that she heard something, at least?

He clambered to his feet, slung his bag over his shoulder.

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches--

He pushed the words aside, out of thought. “Homework’s due on Monday?”

Ms. Ryan still didn’t look up. “Yep.”

He nodded, stuffed his hands into his pockets, and shuffled out the door.

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches seven of the ex-- So, where was the homework sound coming from?

Seth slammed the calc book shut and exited B-Reader with a thought. But that only made way for a new flood of sounds and pictures, which burrowed into his brain with almost no thought at all. What? Exiting made way for a flood of sounds and pictures? Or was it the thought that made way for sounds and pictures? And, are you saying that the sounds and pictures "burrowed" with almost no thought? How can sounds and pictures have thought? In the quiet of the hallway, without his homework to distract him, Stream Surfer’s smooth-talking voices were impossible to ignore. So the hallway was quiet except for smooth talking voices? Maybe you shouldn't describe it as a hallway. I'm feeling disoriented here. Where are all the sounds coming from?

Welcome to Stream Surfer, where the whole world is at your--Complete Will Smith collection, now available in--The twenty-forty-six International Biomedia Conference begins next week at Hermes United headquarters in Las Vegas. Top students from around the world will take part in the week-long event, which includes workshops, guided tours, and an exclusive audience with the industry’s leading man, and leading eccentric, Marvin Hermes.
Hope I helped!

User avatar
wilderness
Posts: 541
Joined: February 21st, 2010, 6:25 pm
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - still not the actual title:) - YA dystopian

Post by wilderness » July 22nd, 2010, 5:27 pm

Hey Krista,

I read (and loved!) your query. I remember that we were totally confused by the first one, though, because the biomedia was not explained. Same problem going on here. I don't think it's clear where the homework problems are coming from. I would move the reference to the B-Reader up and and explain what it is. Same with the Stream Surfer - italics are not enough; I'm really not getting what it is.
Krista G. wrote:
Seth winced at the intercom’s parting bleep, which was loud enough to drown out the digital voice from his B-Reader, (and then explain briefly what is a B-Reader) (Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches seven of the expression x-squared minus--bleep--divided by x minus seven.) Honestly, that intercom had to be as old as Apple, and wasn’t this supposed to be the biomedia capital of the universe?
Hope that helps!

Krista G.
Posts: 192
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 4:47 pm
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - still not the actual title:) - YA dystopian

Post by Krista G. » July 22nd, 2010, 7:45 pm

Thank you for your comments, D.S. Deshaw, AnimaDictio, and wilderness. Yeah, this is a tough one. On the one hand, you don't want to info-dump (especially since the technology's not new to Seth), but on the other, you don't want to confuse people so badly that they don't want to read on.

I'll have to think about how to fix this...
Author of THE REGENERATED MAN (G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers, Winter 2015)
Represented by Kate Schafer Testerman of kt literary
www.motherwrite.blogspot.com

User avatar
Holly
Posts: 500
Joined: December 21st, 2009, 9:42 pm
Location: Gettysburg, PA
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - still not the actual title:) - YA dystopian

Post by Holly » July 22nd, 2010, 9:40 pm

Krista G. wrote:This is the first page of the WIP that I'm getting dangerously close to querying (though it's still at least another round of beta readers off). I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

“Seth Tucker to the principal’s office. Seth Tucker to the principal’s office.”

Seth winced at the intercom’s parting bleep, which was loud enough to drown out his homework. This confused me for a few seconds, but I quickly realized he was mentally working out his homework (Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches seven of the expression x-squared minus--bleep--divided by x minus seven.) Honestly, that intercom had to be as old as Apple, and wasn’t this supposed to be the biomedia capital of the universe?

And what could Ms. Mahoney possibly want with him?

If Ms. Ryan knew or even noticed the bleep, she gave no sign of it. “Go ahead, Seth.”

He clambered to his feet (cut,) and slung his bag over his shoulder.

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches--

He pushed the words aside, out of thought. Everything clicks into place here -- this is about thought intrusion “Homework’s due on Monday?”

Ms. Ryan still didn’t look up. “Yep.”

He nodded, stuffed his hands into his pockets, and shuffled out the door.

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches seven of the ex--

Seth slammed the calc don't change this to calculus -- calc is what a kid would call it book shut and exited B-Reader with a thought. But that only made way for a new flood of sounds and pictures, which burrowed into his brain with almost no thought thought is okay here, too -- the word is responding to thought in the sentence before at all. In the quiet of the hallway, without his homework to distract him, Stream Surfer’s smooth-talking voices were impossible to ignore.

Welcome to Stream Surfer, where the whole world is at your--Complete Will Smith collection, now available in--The twenty-forty-six International Biomedia Conference begins next week at Hermes United headquarters headquarters should be lowercase -- Hermes United is the name in Las Vegas. Top students from around the world will take part in the week-long event, which includes workshops, guided tours, and an exclusive audience with the industry’s leading man, and leading eccentric, Marvin Hermes.
This looks like a story with substance. I picked up right away that it's about thought intrusion. It didn't confuse me at all. My only suggestion: add a little description for the characters and setting.

Krista G.
Posts: 192
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 4:47 pm
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - still not the actual title:) - YA dystopian

Post by Krista G. » July 24th, 2010, 12:34 am

Thank you, Holly. I'm glad someone understood it:)

Is take number two any better?

The principal’s office was pretty high on the list of places Seth avoided. Football practice was up there, too, along with shopping malls, health food joints, and anywhere with free Stream access (which was everywhere in his town).

The waiting room outside her office was about to make the list as well. Seth shifted in his seat and tried to concentrate on his homework (Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches e of the natural log of x, b-Reader droned inside his head), but he couldn’t grasp the words. He was too busy waiting, wondering.

What could Ms. Mahoney possibly want with him?

The secretary looked up from her laptop. “Sorry for the wait.” She flashed him a phantom smile. “But I think you’ll find it worth your while.”

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches—

He pushed the words out of his thoughts. “What do you mean?”

She leaned over her laptop. “Don’t tell her I told you, but … congratulations.”

Problem number—

"Congratulations?”

“Shh!” She cupped a hand around her mouth like she was going to say more, but then something on the screen caught her attention and she didn’t.

Problem number eight. Find the limit as—

Seth closed the b-book with a thought and exited b-Reader with another. So much for concentrating now. But that only made way for a new flood of sounds and pictures, which burrowed into his brain with almost no thought at all. In the quiet of the office, without his homework to distract him, Stream Surfer’s smooth-talking voices were impossible to ignore.

Welcome to Stream Surfer, where the whole world is at your—Complete Will Smith collection, now available in—The twenty-forty-six International Biomedia Conference begins next week at Hermes United headquarters in Las Vegas. Top students from around the world will take part in the week-long event, which includes workshops, guided tours, and an exclusive audience with the industry’s leading man, and leading eccentric, Marvin Hermes.
Author of THE REGENERATED MAN (G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers, Winter 2015)
Represented by Kate Schafer Testerman of kt literary
www.motherwrite.blogspot.com

User avatar
D.S. Deshaw
Posts: 65
Joined: July 22nd, 2010, 2:27 am
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - YA dystopian *Take #2*

Post by D.S. Deshaw » July 24th, 2010, 2:27 am

This is much better and easier to understand! There's a few things I would change, but that's just me. This opening, however, is a LOT more intriguing than the first. I am wondering what else will enfold in this world. I am not so concerned about what these gadgets are, but what more will appear and what kinds they will be. My thoughts again are below:
The principal’s office was pretty high on the list of places Seth avoided. Football practice was up there, too, along with shopping malls, health food joints, and anywhere with free Stream Surfer — often referred to as just Stream — access (which was everywhere in his town). Include the full name here so we can easily recognize that the last paragraph of this connects directly with this line. It's a good way to introduce it, and I am appreciating that you're showing us what it is, instead of telling us :)

The waiting room outside her office was about to make the list as well. Set up your scene. We're in a waiting room outside of the principle's office, but what does it look like? Uninviting and dull? Let us understand why Seth would be bored, besides the bit about waiting. Seth shifted in his seat and tried to concentrate on his homework (Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches e of the natural log of x, b-Reader droned inside his head or would 'mind' be more appropriate?), but he couldn’t grasp the words. He was too busy waiting, wondering: What could Ms. Mahoney possibly want with him?

The secretary looked up from her laptop. “Sorry for the wait.” She flashed him a phantom smile. Nice personalized description! “But I think you’ll find it worth your while.”

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches—

He pushed the words out of his thoughts. “What do you mean?”

She leaned over her laptop. “Don’t tell her I told you, but … congratulations.” A little bit about her appearance would be nice, to produce a visual for us readers.

Problem number—

"Congratulations?”

“Shh!” She cupped a hand around her mouth like she was going to say more, but then something on the screen caught her attention and she didn’t. This is a bit awkward for me. It doesn't seem like what a "normal" person would do. Perhaps a knowing smile and then a pause if something caught her attention. I'm not entirely sure I'm following this paragraph though!

Problem number eight. Find the limit as—

Seth closed the b-book Should book be capitalized: b-Book and B-Reader? with a thought and exited b-Reader with another. Is it like saying 'exit' in your head? Tell us a little about what you're imagining this would be! It's interesting. So much for concentrating now. But that only made way for a new flood of sounds and pictures, which burrowed into his brain with almost no thought at all or perhaps without a thought of invitation?. In the quiet of the office, without his homework to distract him, the smooth-talking voices of Stream Surfer were impossible to ignore.

Welcome to Stream Surfer, where the whole world is at your—Complete Will Smith collection, now available in—The twenty-forty-six International Biomedia Conference begins next week at the Hermes United headquarters in Las Vegas. Top students from around the world will take part in the week-long event, which includes workshops, guided tours, and an exclusive audience with the industry’s leading man, and leading eccentric, Marvin Hermes.
I really am getting the dystopian feel from this :) Very good job.


Edit: Just a quick edit to explain a little bit about why I think the secretary's reaction is weird... when you shush someone else, you don't cover your own mouth. I understand she doesn't want Seth, or herself, to be overheard by her boss. It would be understandable to me if she shushed him and then put a finger over her lips to signal him to quiet down. It would likewise be understandable if someone else shushed her and she covered her own mouth to prevent herself from further aggregating the situation. That is all! My line of logic just doesn't follow :) but out of the bunch, it seems I am the one least familiar with a more sci-fi story, which may be why I'm not completely following as well! However, there are going to be people who pick up your story who aren't that into sci-fi (I love an occasional, well-written sci-fi, like Ender's Game), and you should try your best to be as inclusive -- and thus more marketable -- as possible. Of course, I'm no professional!
Last edited by D.S. Deshaw on July 24th, 2010, 3:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
Show, not Tell -- blog, funny times, updated daily (weekends don't count).

User avatar
Holly
Posts: 500
Joined: December 21st, 2009, 9:42 pm
Location: Gettysburg, PA
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - still not the actual title:) - YA dystopian

Post by Holly » July 24th, 2010, 2:29 am

Krista G. wrote:Thank you, Holly. I'm glad someone understood it:)

Is take number two any better?

The principal’s office was pretty high on the list of places Seth avoided. Football practice was up there, too, along with shopping malls, health food joints would a kid use the word joint for a store? Joint seems like language an older person would use, and anywhere with free Stream good term access (which was everywhere in his town). This looks like a really interesting story, but this first paragraph, especially the underlined statement, seems like author intrusion. We're in Seth's POV for the rest of the opening, but the author seems to be stepping in here to explain things. I understand what you are trying to do, but can you put us more in the moment inside Seth's head? I like the grounding with football practice. Instead of the author telling us about it, maybe he could hear voices from football practice outside a window, the whomp of the ball, the thud as bodies collide, etc., have free Stream jump into his head, and then think the rest about places to avoid.
The waiting room outside her office was about to make the list as well. Seth shifted in his seat and tried to concentrate on his homework (Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches e of the natural log of x, b-Reader droned inside his head), but he couldn’t grasp the words. He was too busy waiting, wondering. This seems like telling. Maybe you could show his anxiety -- have him shift in the chair or another gesture.
What could Ms. Mahoney possibly want with him?

The secretary looked up from her laptop. Would a secretary in a school have a laptop? Or a desktop? Laptops don't have a lot of memory and secretaries work with lots of records. Or maybe things are different here -- it seems to be in the near future -- coming back from the end, I see it's 2046, so forget this “Sorry for the wait.” She flashed him a phantom smile. “But I think you’ll find it worth your while.”

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches—

He pushed the words out of his thoughts. “What do you mean?”

She leaned over her laptop. “Don’t tell her I told you, but … congratulations.”

Problem number—

"Congratulations?”

“Shh!” She cupped a hand around her mouth like she was going to say more, but then something on the screen caught her attention (I would cut the rest -- not necessary: and she didn’t.) I also respectfully disagree with the other poster -- the secretary doesn't want her employer/boss to know what she is saying, so she cups her hand. Her actions are clear to me.

Problem number eight. Find the limit as—

Seth closed the b-book with a thought and exited b-Reader with another. So much for concentrating now. But that only made way for a new flood of sounds and pictures, which burrowed into his brain with almost no thought at all. In the quiet of the office, without his homework to distract him, Stream Surfer’s smooth-talking voices were impossible to ignore. Great description. I love the term Stream Surfer.

Welcome to Stream Surfer, where the whole world is at your—Complete Will Smith collection, now available in—this little insert is great The twenty-forty-six I think these numbers should be digits 2046, plus this is good because you've placed us in time International Biomedia Conference begins next week at Hermes United headquarters in Las Vegas. Top students from around the world will take part in the week-long event, which includes workshops, guided tours, and an exclusive audience with the industry’s leading man, and leading eccentric, Marvin Hermes.[/color]
This is an intriguing story.

(1) You could add a sentence or two of description. You don't have any right now, so this is like toast without butter. What does the waiting room look like? The secretary? Does she have a silver lamp on her desk? Is she young with stringy hair? Old and pudgy? Does the room have pale green walls? You don't have to insert a paragraph of description. Just weave a few words into the narrative.

(2) I would keep working on the POV issues. Don't step in as the author to explain things. Don't buckle to pressure to explain things right off the bat just because you have a world 36 years in the future with different terms and issues. Remember that we are inside the heads of the characters. Go in that direction if something isn't clear -- put the characters more in the moment. Let the reader find things out as the story unfolds. Good start!
Last edited by Holly on July 24th, 2010, 7:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Holly
Posts: 500
Joined: December 21st, 2009, 9:42 pm
Location: Gettysburg, PA
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - YA dystopian *Take #2*

Post by Holly » July 24th, 2010, 7:53 am

http://thebookshelfmuse.blogspot.com/

One last comment before I leave to walk my dog. This is a fun, helpful website with an "emotion thesaurus." Scroll down the right side of the home page, click on an emotion, and then look through the physical gestures that show the emotion. Great place for a little jumpstart.

Krista G.
Posts: 192
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 4:47 pm
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - YA dystopian *Take #2*

Post by Krista G. » July 24th, 2010, 2:03 pm

Thanks again, D.S. Deshaw and Holly. Your feedback has given me a few specific ideas for tweaking this. I'll probably post take number three in a bit.

By the way, Holly, the interview I posted yesterday on my blog made me think of you. The agent reps fantasy and sci-fi, and he prefers hardcopy submissions.
Author of THE REGENERATED MAN (G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers, Winter 2015)
Represented by Kate Schafer Testerman of kt literary
www.motherwrite.blogspot.com

User avatar
Holly
Posts: 500
Joined: December 21st, 2009, 9:42 pm
Location: Gettysburg, PA
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - YA dystopian *Take #2*

Post by Holly » July 24th, 2010, 2:09 pm

Thanks, Krista. I read that interesting interview, but didn't leave a comment. Your interviews are invaluable. I'm revising my WIP to add a storyline and am up to chapter 10 out of about 26 chapters, so it will be a few months before I start to query.

Krista G.
Posts: 192
Joined: December 7th, 2009, 4:47 pm
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - YA dystopian *Take #3*

Post by Krista G. » July 26th, 2010, 2:59 pm

Many thanks to all the people who've already taken the time to give me feedback. Here's the latest incarnation of my first page (roughly). The first sentence is still giving me fits, but it's the best I've been able to come up with so far. What do you think (about the first sentence and/or the rest of this)?

Seth had always appreciated the awfulness of the principal’s office, but he’d never realized how awful the waiting room was. The toothpaste-colored carpet was hideous, the free Stream access annoying, and wasn’t that three-hundred-liter fish tank big enough for dunking students?

Seth shifted in his seat and tried to concentrate on his homework (Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches e of the natural log of x, b-Reader droned in his head), but his own thoughts were so loud he barely heard the words.

What could Ms. Mahoney possibly want with him?

The secretary looked up. “Sorry for the wait.” She flashed him a phantom grin. “But I think you’ll find it worth your while.”

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches—

Seth pushed the words aside, out of thought. “What do you mean?”

She cupped a hand around the side of her mouth. “Don’t tell her I said anything, but … congratulations.”

Problem number—

“Congratulations?”

“Not so loud!” She leaned over her laptop, bleached blond curls bouncing stiffly, but then something on the screen caught her attention and she forgot all about him.

Problem number eight. Find the limit as—

Seth closed the calc book with a thought and exited b-Reader with another. But that only made way for a new flood of sounds and pictures, which burrowed into his brain with almost no thought at all. In the quiet of the waiting room, without his homework to distract him, Stream Surfer’s smooth-talking voices were impossible to ignore.

Welcome to Stream Surfer, where the whole world is at your—Complete Will Smith collection, now available in—The twenty-forty-six International Biomedia Conference begins next week at Hermes United headquarters in Las Vegas. Top students from around the world will take part in the week-long event, which includes workshops, guided tours, and an exclusive audience with the industry’s leading man, and leading eccentric, Marvin Hermes.
Author of THE REGENERATED MAN (G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers, Winter 2015)
Represented by Kate Schafer Testerman of kt literary
www.motherwrite.blogspot.com

User avatar
D.S. Deshaw
Posts: 65
Joined: July 22nd, 2010, 2:27 am
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - YA dystopian *Take #3*

Post by D.S. Deshaw » July 26th, 2010, 4:44 pm

This is much better! For someone who doesn't often read sci-fi, I actually understood this time what was going on, and I felt much more a part of the world instead of apart from the world :) Here is my suggestion for the first line, although I'm not so in love with it either!

Seth had always appreciated the horror(s) of the principal’s office, but he’d never realized how horrible the waiting room was.
Show, not Tell -- blog, funny times, updated daily (weekends don't count).

User avatar
Holly
Posts: 500
Joined: December 21st, 2009, 9:42 pm
Location: Gettysburg, PA
Contact:

Re: 1st page: BOB - YA dystopian *Take #3*

Post by Holly » July 26th, 2010, 7:32 pm

Krista G. wrote:Many thanks to all the people who've already taken the time to give me feedback. Here's the latest incarnation of my first page (roughly). The first sentence is still giving me fits, but it's the best I've been able to come up with so far. What do you think (about the first sentence and/or the rest of this)?

Seth had always appreciated the awfulness of the principal’s office, but he’d never realized how awful the waiting room was. The toothpaste-colored carpet was hideous, the free Stream access annoying, and wasn’t that three-hundred-liter fish tank big enough for dunking students?

This beginning has clever lines, but I think description almost always works better if it is just part of the narrative -- it somehow seems like you're trying too hard here. Beginnings are tough. I've rewritten mine umpteen zillion times.

What if Seth just opens the door to the principal's office, crosses the awful toothpaste-colored carpet, and sits down. He could halfway wonder if they dunk students in the three-hundred liter fish tank and then shift in his seat and try to concentrate on his homework. I would probably go in that direction -- to be more simple, and not list description, but just make it part of the narrative. Hope that makes sense.


Seth shifted in his seat and tried to concentrate on his homework (Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches e of the natural log of x, b-Reader droned in his head), but his own thoughts were so loud he barely heard the words.

What could Ms. Mahoney possibly want with him?

The secretary looked up. “Sorry for the wait.” She flashed him a phantom grin. “But I think you’ll find it worth your while.”

Problem number eight. Find the limit as x approaches—

Seth pushed the words aside, out of thought. “What do you mean?”

She cupped a hand around the side of her mouth. “Don’t tell her I said anything, but … congratulations.”

Problem number—

“Congratulations?”

“Not so loud!” She leaned over her laptop, bleached blond curls bouncing stiffly, but then something on the screen caught her attention and she forgot all about him. Is the story from Seth's POV? If so, he/we wouldn't know the underlined part -- I would cut it.
Problem number eight. Find the limit as—

Seth closed the calc book with a thought and exited b-Reader with another. But that only made way for a new flood of sounds and pictures, which burrowed into his brain with almost no thought at all. In the quiet of the waiting room, without his homework to distract him, Stream Surfer’s smooth-talking voices were impossible to ignore.

Welcome to Stream Surfer, where the whole world is at your—Complete Will Smith collection, now available in—The twenty-forty-six International Biomedia Conference begins next week at Hermes United headquarters in Las Vegas. Top students from around the world will take part in the week-long event, which includes workshops, guided tours, and an exclusive audience with the industry’s leading man, and leading eccentric, Marvin Hermes.[/color]

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests