The Rain Legacy- MG Fantasy

[Thalia]

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for taking a look at my query letter. I'd be happy to return the favor anytime. Here it is!

On the strictly religious continent of Arydnea, thirteen-year-old Lynette’s rule-breaking tendencies have only ever gotten her into trouble- until she eavesdrops on a plot to murder her family.

When she finds her father dying on his bedroom floor, Lynette knows it is up to her to protect her sister, the only family she has left. Taking a sword and a box she can’t open, the girls steal away to escape the same fate.

But fate doesn’t want to give Lynette a rest. Not only is the man who ordered the murder of her father an immortal nobleman, but the goddess of Arydnea also expects Lynette to take up arms and defend the continent from him- using an item found in the box that she still can’t open. Never mind she’s thirteen. Never mind she doesn’t know how to swing a sword. And never mind the royal army’s chasing her, because Lynette’s going to make sure the odds are in her favor before stepping onto the battlefield.

If she’s going to defend Arydnea, then she’d better get a formal request- and a little help.

[wilderness]

On the strictly religious continent of Arydnea, thirteen-year-old Lynette’s rule-breaking tendencies have only ever gotten her into trouble- until she eavesdrops on a plot to murder her family. This is good. But I wonder how the strictly religious part plays into the story.

When she finds her father dying on his bedroom floor, Lynette knows it is up to her to protect her sister, the only family she has left. Taking a sword and a box she can’t open, the girls steal away to escape the same fate. I would move this to be in the same paragraph as the first. Also, how do they know the box they can't open is important?

But fate doesn’t want to give Lynette a rest. Not only is the man who ordered the murder of her father an immortal nobleman, but the goddess of Arydnea also expects Lynette to take up arms and defend the continent from him- using an item found in the box that she still can’t open. Never mind she’s thirteen. Never mind she doesn’t know how to swing a sword. And never mind the royal army’s chasing her. Because Lynette’s going to make sure the odds are in her favor before stepping onto the battlefield. I like this last line a lot. Makes Lynette sound like a really kick-butt kid.

If she’s going to defend Arydnea, then she’d better get a formal request from the goddess - and a little help.Why is the goddess depending on a 13 year old?

This is really good. I would read it.

[thewhipslip]

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for taking a look at my query letter. I'd be happy to return the favor anytime. Here it is!

On the strictly religious continent of Arydnea, thirteen-year-old Lynette’s rule-breaking tendencies have only ever gotten her into trouble- until she eavesdrops on a plot to murder her family. I agree with wilderness here: how does the "strictly religious" play into this? Really nice hook in the last sentence. Well done.

When she finds her father dying on his bedroom floor, Lynette knows it is up to her to protect her sister, the only family she has left. Taking a sword and a box she can’t open, the girls steal away to escape the same fate. The sword and the box she can't open seemed to come from nowhere. What are their significance, and more importantly, WHY does she take them? Give us a little more info there.

But fate doesn’t want to give Lynette a rest. Not only is the man who ordered the murder of her father an immortal nobleman, but the goddess of Arydnea also expects Lynette to take up arms and defend the continent from him- using an item found in the box that she still can’t open. What's the significance of this? Why can't the goddess tell her how to open the box? Or is it something to do with Lynette's fate? I need more info on that. The WHY of it. Never mind she’s thirteen. Never mind she doesn’t know how to swing a sword. And never mind the royal army’s chasing her, because Lynette’s going to make sure the odds are in her favor before stepping onto the battlefield How does she do this?.

If she’s going to defend Arydnea, then she’d better get a formal request- and a little help.This is too vague for my taste. A formal request from who? The goddess? And who is giving her help? Specifics are always better than generalities.

[Emily J]

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for taking a look at my query letter. I'd be happy to return the favor anytime. Here it is!

On the strictly religious continent of Arydnea, thirteen-year-old Lynette’s rule-breaking tendencies have only ever gotten her into trouble- until she eavesdrops on a plot to murder her family. i think the opening line could be stronger, the first part of the sentence doesn't relate to the rest of the sentence, I understand you are trying to set the scene, but I think it would be stronger to start with Lynette, also after trouble it looks like you are using a hyphen instead of a dash, i dont know if agents notice but I would make sure to use a dash (and I know dashes are a pain to find on a keyboard and yes I know hyphens look almost the same but this is nit picking)

When she finds her father dying on his bedroom floor, Lynette knows it is up to her to protect her sister, the only family she has left. Taking a sword and a box she can’t open, I do feel we need to know a bit more about this box the girls steal away to escape the same fate.

But fate doesn’t want to give Lynette a rest. Not only is the man who ordered the murder of her father an immortal nobleman, but the goddess of Arydnea also expects Lynette to take up arms and defend the continent from him- again, dash not hyphen using an item found in the box that she still can’t open. Never mind she’s thirteen. Never mind she doesn’t know how to swing a sword. And never mind the royal army’s chasing her, because Lynette’s going to make sure the odds are in her favor before stepping onto the battlefield. how is she going to make sure the odds are in her favor? also that feels a bit like a cliche to me

If she’s going to defend Arydnea, then she’d better get a formal request- and a little help. i don't get this, agree with other commenter that this is too vague, a formal request from the goddess? why? this sentence seems like an anti-climatic way to end the query I would definitely recommend adding more zip to the last line

This isn't bad but I really feel like it is too general at this point, a father killed by a nobleman, a box with some sort of item, perhaps magical, an unnamed goddess. What are the specifics? Why was Lynette's father murdered? Where is her mother? What is her sister's name? Why is the nobleman immortal and after them? And I wouldn't mind a bit more information about Arydnea, who is the goddess of this continent? Give us (and your future agent) a bit more to sink our teeth into!

[JustineDell]

On the strictly religious continent of Arydnea, thirteen-year-old Lynette’s rule-breaking tendencies have only ever gotten her into trouble- until she eavesdrops on a plot to murder her family. I have thing with long sentences, and this one is long to me. 20 words per sentence is just about right. IMO, anyway. I think I might have read that somewhere, though. Not sure now. I've seen longer sentences work, but if they don't and kind of drag, you should really break them up. I think you should break it up to make more impact. Like this:

On the strictly religious continent of Arydnes, thirteen-year-old Lynette's rule-breaking tendencies only get her in trouble. Until she eavesdrops on a plot to murder her family. (One quick note, is eavesdropping a rule she breaks? I mean, it's rude, of course...but is it an actual "rule" in Arydnea?)

When she finds her father dying on his bedroom floor, Lynette knows it is up to her to protect her sister, the only family she has left. Taking a sword and a box she can’t open, the girls steal away to escape the same fate. You could shorten the first sentence (and break it up) Like this:

Lynette finds her father dying on his bedroom floor. Now it's up to her to protect the only family she has left: her younger sister. (I guessed the younger part, but I assume that's correct. Also, did dad just die of random heart attack or was he murdered? I think I would like to know the difference here.)

Now, as for the last sentnece in that paragraph...I'm left scratching my head. I can see why she would take the sword. Someone's out to get them so it makes sense. But, what's the deal with the box? I realize it probably important to the plot, but it seems really out of place to mention it here--unless you mention a history of it, or her father told her to do it, or something.

But fate doesn’t want to give Lynette a rest. <--This is a little cliche. Not only is the man who ordered the murder of her father an immortal nobleman, but the goddess of Arydnea also expects Lynette to take up arms and defend the continent from him- using an item found in the box that she still can’t open. <--Eep. This is super long setence. There are alot of important elements to this sentence, so it don't break the other ones up...please, please break this one up. Here's an idea:

Lynette can't (or "doesn't think she can")kill the the man who ordered her family murdered--he's an immortal nobleman. But the Goddess of Arydness wants Lynette defend her continent from him--using the item in the box she still can't open. (And see? This is another reason we need to know whats so important about this box and why Lynette "knew" it was important to take it with her when she was running for her life and trying to save her sister)

Never mind she’s thirteen. Never mind she doesn’t know how to swing a sword. And never mind the royal army’s chasing her, because Lynette’s going to make sure the odds are in her favor before stepping onto the battlefield. <--This last setence is kind of vague. How does she make sure the odds are in her favor?

If she’s going to defend Arydnea, then she’d better get a formal request- and a little help.<--This last sentence is cute, but it has me wondering if any of this book is humerous at all? This sentence has humor, so I was just checking. Plus, this really isn't a hook because you already said she going to step into the battlefield in the previous paragraph. There have to be stakes somewhere, this is good place to put them.

All and all, I'd say this is a good start. Others made some good suggestions as well. Queries are hard, so make sure you keep it true to yourself and the voice you've set out in your story. Good luck on the revisions!

~JD

[EllieAnn]

I love the last sentence and paragraph how it is. So much adventure and tension! I like your synopsis of the end a lot! The intro must give me a better picture of who your protag is and the world she lives in. I need to care about her. :-)
Good luck!