Another Query attempt

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shadow
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Another Query attempt

Post by shadow » July 5th, 2010, 5:13 pm

Reworked Version is on the THIRD page!!!!

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hung, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider - peace.

All Vitiosus’ life the King punished him for his mercy until one day everything changed when Vitiosus’ first love was murdered by a lesser human. A human which he once would have taken pity on. Vitiosus doesn’t trust anyone anymore, especially his father who set up fellow warriors to kill him. Fighting ruthlessly to keep his own life and identity Vitiosus wants to know why. Why him?

The answer lies in a protective amulet. Vitiosus finds only one half; the question, and the other half leads to his answer. He has no choice but to follow the breadcrumbs that lead to the truth. Yet maybe the truth is better left unknown…
Last edited by shadow on August 1st, 2010, 9:03 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by sbs_mjc1 » July 5th, 2010, 7:46 pm

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hung, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider - peace.
Good hook: you have a main character, a situation, and a difficult (but worthy) goal.
All Vitiosus’ life the King punished him for his mercy
This does beg the question of how Vitiosus remained so dedicated to peace. Certainly not through environmental influence!
until one day everything changed when Vitiosus’ first love was murdered by a lesser human. A human which he once would have taken pity on.
There are some grammar issues here. Plus, the ideas run into each other, and the second sentence is redundant (we've already established Vitiosus' worldview). I'd suggest something like this: "All of his life, Vitiosus has been punished by the King for his mercy. But his merciful attitude changes when his first love is murdered by a lesser human."
My other question: is Vitiosus human? What is the dynamic here with the "lesser humans"?

Vitiosus doesn’t trust anyone anymore, especially his father who set up fellow warriors to kill him. Fighting ruthlessly to keep his own life and identity Vitiosus wants to know why. Why him?
This doesn't seem to have a causal relationship to the previous events described. You also have some loose threads hanging. If Vitiosus' outlook has changed (he is no longer merciful or peace-loving), wouldn't his father be happy? And more immediately is he seeking revenge for his dead lover? Or taking some other action?
The second sentence is not particularly clear. I'd suggest something like: "Suddenly, Vitiosus is fighting ruthlessly for his life and identity against his father's warriors-- and he has no idea why".
The question is unnecessary.

The answer lies in a protective amulet. Vitiosus finds only one half; the question, and the other half leads to his answer. He has no choice but to follow the breadcrumbs that lead to the truth. Yet maybe the truth is better left unknown…
Again, you might want to establish a better causal relationship between these events. A sentence like Furthermore, you've left the reader hanging in regards to Vitiosus' emotional journey, which you set up in the "hook".
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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by LBender » July 5th, 2010, 8:53 pm

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hung, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider - peace.
Good start.

All Vitiosus’ life the King punished him for his mercy until one day everything changed when Vitiosus’ first love was murdered by a lesser human.
Did the king then not punish him anymore?
A human which he once would have taken pity on.
Not a sentence, and probably should be 'whom' instead of 'which'.
Vitiosus doesn’t trust anyone anymore, especially his father who set up Did you mean 'set up' or would 'sent' be better? fellow warriors to kill him. Fighting ruthlessly to keep his own life and identity Vitiosus wants to know why. Why him?
This last sentence is very unclear. What do you mean fighting to keep his identity? And it might read better if you just say 'wants to know, why him?' instead of the colon and the awkward phrasing.
The answer lies in a protective amulet. Vitiosus finds only one half; the question, and the other half leads to his answer.
This sentence also reads awkwardly. There has to be a better way to put it, although I can't say how right now.
He has no choice but to follow the breadcrumbs that lead to the truth. Yet maybe the truth is better left unknown…
Why? What truth?

The premise sounds interesting, although I would want to have some idea what Vitiosus is. Is he a greater human? Is he some other species? Good luck.

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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by OneChoice1 » July 6th, 2010, 1:33 pm

shadow wrote:Dear Agent,

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hung, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider - peace. [Make the dash in front of "peace" an em dash (—).]

[I agree, good start.]




All Vitiosus’ life the King punished him for his mercy [Hold on. So Vitiosus has always wanted peace? I thought, from the 1st paragraph, he was having a change of heart or something. How is he feared then?]

until one day everything changed when Vitiosus’ first love is murdered by a lesser human [and Vitiosus chops him up piece by piece... I don't know.]. A human which he once would have taken pity on.

Vitiosus doesn’t trust anyone anymore, especially his father who set up fellow warriors to kill him. Fighting ruthlessly to keep his own life and identity Vitiosus wants to know why. Why him? [These three last sentences don't seem to fit with what I thought you were setting up. Now I'm confused. Wouldn't it be that Vitiosus is now questioning if the King has been right all along in being cruel to the lesser humans? And then Vitiosus could be confused when his father sends fellow warriors to assassinate him, because Vitiosus thought his father would be happy now that he's against the lesser humans too. I really don't know.]




The answer lies in a protective amulet. Vitiosus finds only one half; the question, and the other half leads to his answer. He has no choice but to follow the breadcrumbs that lead to the truth. Yet maybe the truth is better left unknown... [This paragraph is awkward, but it seems important. Is there a clearer way to say this?]


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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by wilderness » July 6th, 2010, 6:56 pm

shadow wrote:Dear Agent,

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hung, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider - peace. I like the idea of a warrior who wants peace. What is a "lesser human" and why are they hunted and hung? How can you run a society when most people are hung for no reason?

All Vitiosus’ life the King punished him for his mercy until one day everything changed when Vitiosus’ first love was murdered by a lesser human. There is too much going on in this sentence to take in. How did the King punish him? What mercy did he show? I thought that he "secretly" wanted peace, so why was he giving mercy? If he is supposed to hunt and hang them, isn't he going against the law? And how did Vitiosus come to be feared in light of all this? A human which he once would have taken pity on. Vitiosus doesn’t trust anyone anymore, especially his father who set up fellow warriors to kill him. Fighting ruthlessly to keep his own life and identity Vitiosus wants to know why. Why him? Can't he just ask his father?

The answer lies in a protective amulet. I'm sorry, his own father wants to kill him just because of some amulet? I think you need to work on the characterization and motivation a bit more. Vitiosus finds only one half; the question, and the other half leads to his answer. He finds half of what? The amulet? He has no choice but to follow the breadcrumbs that lead to the truth. Yet maybe the truth is better left unknown… Last two sentences are cliches, generalities that don't give us any substantive information about your story.
I found the idea of a warrior who wants peace intriguing, but the query requires more detail and more motivation. In particular, you need to discuss Vitiousus's relationship with his father. It seems essential to the plot. Hope that helps!

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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by shadow » July 8th, 2010, 11:09 am

Guys,
Thanks so much! I see what you mean! I am taking the hook and reworking the rest. Be back in a jiffy...
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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by shadow » July 8th, 2010, 3:00 pm

Hey guys! Here is my updated version. Rip it up, I want to make it the best I can...

Agent,

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hung, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider –(I made this an em dash but it changed when I pasted it...) peace.

No matter how many lashes Vitiosus takes or how many scars scar his body he will never be what his father him to be, a cold blooded killer. When the clock strikes midnight and the nightmares begin Vitiosus resents his father for his hate and tyranny. More than anything he want to bring justice to the dark Lassertian kingdoms that are knows as the realms of hell.

When Vitiosus rescues an old warrior who is to be executed for thieving he discovers his father’s secret, one that will change his identity forever. His blood is impure and his mother comes from an enemy settlement the Luminary. Suddenly Vitiosus doesn’t feel useless, he has a mission. He has to bring his father to justice and stop the suffering of his people. But when his father finds that Vitiosus uncovered the secret, assassins are sent to kill him and his hands are smeared with the blood of the men he never touched. Vitiosus knows his father all too well and slays the assassins, becoming wanted in the kingdom and a threat to the royals. Now all he wants to witness is bloody revenge.
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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by wilderness » July 8th, 2010, 3:53 pm

shadow wrote:
Agent,

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hung, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider –(I made this an em dash but it changed when I pasted it...) peace.

No matter how many lashes Vitiosus takes or how many scars scar (I would use "mar" so you're not repeating scar) his body (insert comma) he will never be what his father him to be, a cold blooded killer. When the clock strikes midnight and the nightmares begin (insert comma) Vitiosus resents his father for his hate and tyranny. More than anything he want to bring justice to the dark Lassertian kingdoms that are known as the realms of hell.

When Vitiosus rescues an old warrior who is to be executed for thieving (insert comma) he discovers his father’s secret, one that will change his identity forever. Some imprecision here. Does the warrior tell him the secret? His blood is impure and his mother comes from an enemy settlement the Luminary. Suddenly Vitiosus doesn’t feel useless, he has a mission. Why does his mother coming from Luminary make him decide to go againts his father? He has to bring his father to justice and stop the suffering of his people. But when his father finds that Vitiosus uncovered the secret, Too repetitive here. How about "His father sends assassins..." assassins are sent to kill him and his hands are smeared with the blood of the men he never touched. I don't understand what the blue part means. Vitiosus knows his father all too well and slays the assassins, becoming wanted in the kingdom and a threat to the royals. Now all he wants to witness is bloody revenge.
It may not seem like it from all my questions, but I do think this is a lot better. Vitiosus's slow turn against his cruel father is compelling.

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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by shadow » July 8th, 2010, 7:49 pm

Wilderness...Thank you so much! I see what your questions mean! lol its hard to spot them in my own query. When you brought them to light I was like woah! Can't believe I didn't notice that! Here is an updated version.

Agent,

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hung, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider–peace.

No matter how many lashes Vitiosus takes or how many scars mar his body, he will never be what his father him to be, a cold blooded killer. When the clock strikes midnight and the nightmares begin, Vitiosus resents his father for his hate and tyranny. More than anything he want to bring justice to the dark Lassertian kingdoms that are known as the realms of hell.

When Vitiosus rescues an old warrior who is to be executed for thieving, the warrior tells him the king’s secret in exchange for freedom, one that will change his identity forever. His blood is impure and his mother comes from an enemy settlement the Luminary, she was used to have Vitiosus and killed. Suddenly Vitiosus doesn’t feel useless, he has a mission. He has to bring his father to justice and stop the suffering of his people. But his father sends assassins to kill him and frames Vitiosus with the blood of the men he never killed. Vitiosus knows his father all too well and slays the assassins, becoming wanted in the kingdom and a threat to the royals. Now all he wants to witness is bloody revenge.
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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by shadow » July 9th, 2010, 7:56 am

Any query rippers?
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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by wilderness » July 9th, 2010, 1:13 pm

shadow wrote:
Agent,

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hung, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider–peace.

No matter how many lashes Vitiosus takes or how many scars mar his body, he will never be what his father him to be,(colon) a cold blooded killer. When the clock strikes midnight and the nightmares begin, Vitiosus resents his father for his hate and tyranny. More than anything he want to bring justice to the dark Lassertian kingdoms that are known as the realms of hell. Really Good.

When Vitiosus rescues an old warrior who is to be executed for thieving, the warrior tells him the king’s secret in exchange for freedom, one that will change his identity forever. Feels like one clause too many. His blood is impure and his mother comes from an enemy settlement the Luminary, she was used to have Vitiosus and killed. Run-on sentence. Break it up. Also can you clarify a bit? If the king deliberately used her to have Vitiosus, why does the king care that Vitiosus had impure blood? Maybe just be more explicit about what happened. Was the mother captured in a raid or something? Suddenly Vitiosus doesn’t feel useless,(should be semi-colon) he has a mission. He has to bring his father to justice and stop the suffering of his people. But his father sends assassins to kill him and frames Vitiosus with the blood of the men he never killed. Vitiosus knows his father all too well and slays the assassins, becoming wanted in the kingdom and a threat to the royals. This sentence is clear but reads awkwardly to me. Can you simplify it? "Vitiosus slays the assassins and becomes a wanted criminal in the kingdom" or somethingNow all he wants to witness is bloody revenge. This reads like he wanted to witness something else before.
I think the content is good, but I was just getting very nitpicky about the phrasing. Careful with clauses; they can read awkwardly even if they are grammatically correct.

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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by shadow » July 9th, 2010, 11:26 pm

Wilderness - thank you so much for your awesome comments! I AM aiming for as perfect as can be so don't worry at all about being harsh, I am loving it and count it as saving a dying life. lol. A little over said but, hey queries are queries. Here is my reqorked version....Can't wait to see what you think!! :)

Agent,

Agent,

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian. But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hung, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider–peace.

No matter how many lashes Vitiosus takes or how many scars mar his body, he will never be what his father him to be: a cold blooded killer. When the clock strikes midnight and the nightmares begin, Vitiosus resents his father for his hate and tyranny. More than anything he want to bring justice to the dark Lassertian kingdoms that are known as the realms of hell.

Sparks fly when Vitiosus’ sword clashes with Gabriel’s in battle. Unable to kill the warrior, Vitiosus leaves him wounded. That night a shaman tells him of his human mother and his human half-brother. His blood is impure. Vitiosus isn’t just a warrior anymore; he has a mission. He has to bring his father to justice and stop the suffering of his people. But his father sends assassins to kill him and frames Vitiosus with the blood of the men he never killed, turning his brother against Vitiosus and killing the only ones he trusted. Now Vitiosus wants bloody revenge.
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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by jfw » July 10th, 2010, 9:47 pm

"hunted and hung" should be "hunted and hanged" if you are saying the humans are executed by hanging. If they are being "hung" from hooks, "hung" would be appropriate.

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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by shadow » July 11th, 2010, 7:34 am

Thanjs jfw! So other than that its not bad?? :)
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Re: Another Query attempt

Post by lachrymal » July 11th, 2010, 8:19 am

Vitiosus, the dark warrior prince, is feared by all of Lassertian.
Just checking--is "Lassertian" the name of the country/world? I'm just asking because in previous queries I've seen you use "Lassertian" as an adjective, which made me think the name of the place was "Lassertia". You know, like something coming from Asia is referred to as Asian?
But in this war-loving land, where the lesser humans are hunted and hung, Vitiosus secretly longs for something no warrior would ever consider–peace.

No matter how many lashes Vitiosus takes or how many scars mar his body, he will never be what his father [wants] him to be: a cold blooded killer. When the clock strikes midnight and the nightmares begin, Vitiosus resents his father for his hate and tyranny. More than anything he want [wants] to bring justice to the dark Lassertian kingdoms that are known as the realms of hell.
A few things here--"that are known as the realms of hell" is rather awkward, and if that is actually a name by which people refer to the kingdoms, it should probably be "Realms of Hell". However, I think you're just trying to say how hellish they are, and I wonder if you could come up with a smoother way of doing so.
Also, and this becomes a bigger issue for me later in the query, "bring justice" is really vague. I have no idea if he's trying to put down a rebellion, liberate a persecuted people, segregate different people from one another, set up a fair justice system, etc. And as you describe what happens next, I actually become more confused.
Sparks fly when Vitiosus’ sword clashes with Gabriel’s in battle.
OK--you have introduced another named character, but you don't say who he is or why Vitiosus is fighting him, and you don't mention him again in the query. I'm assuming he's the half-brother, but I don't understand why you don't say that (not here, necessarily, but later, when the half-brother is mentioned).
Unable to kill the warrior, Vitiosus leaves him wounded. That night a shaman tells him of his human mother and his human half-brother.
You could just say "his human mother and half-brother", which would imply they're both human. I don't understand what that makes Vitiosus, though. When you say human, are you referring to those "lesser humans"? What's Vitiosus? Are there three groups of humanoids running around? Also, I have no idea how him fighting Gabriel is relevant to what happens next--unless you identify him as the half-brother. If you're not going to, I think you should leave out the part about him fighting and wounding him, especially because it's not clear why he's fighting him in the first place.
His blood is impure.
When you word it this way, it sounds like a bad thing, but that confuses me because of what you say next. I don't understand how impure blood leads to him being more than a warrior.
Vitiosus isn’t just a warrior anymore; he has a mission.
When you say "he isn't just a warrior anymore", I expect your next sentence to tell me what else he is, not what else he has.
He has to bring his father to justice and stop the suffering of his people.
Now I'm really confused. I thought he was trying to bring some justice before. Is this justice different? Has he switched sides because of the blood thing? Because his original justice mission is not clear, I don't understand how this is different, especially because you talked about how his father abused him and how he resented his father.
But his father sends assassins to kill him and frames Vitiosus with the blood of the men he never killed, turning his brother against Vitiosus and killing the only ones he trusted. Now Vitiosus wants bloody revenge.
Again, because you don't identify Gabriel as his brother, I'm confused here. I know you've gone through a lot of different permutations of this query, and I think it's pretty close, but I would need some clarification to understand what the important conflicts are. Best of luck!

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