Sample Page, extra eyes needed

[lmitchell]

I don't really have a critique, but I would like to offer a comment. I am completely hooked!

It is eerie how you address me as the killer and at the same time leave me able to feel the confusion and shock you experience as the victim. I like it. In particular, I enjoy the mood you evoke when you say:

"I was going to be late at the rate the search was going. I felt something crash into my head.

I opened my eyes in the garage. The floor was cold and hard. The blood seeping from my scalp was hot and sticky."

As I read these words I had to stop and reread to see what I had missed, and then I felt overwhelmed by shock when I realized the MC had just been stabbed. I felt the exact same emotions as the MC--confusion and then shock/horror.

Love it!

[Gina Frost]

I have no critique either except to say that I enjoyed the first version so much better. If flowed better for me, evoked the feeling and emotion that I know you were going for. This is something altogether different than anything I have ever read and I am eager to read more.

[Serzen]

Thank you, both, for the praise. It's humbling to think that I'm reaching people with this.

When I go to the point where I was writing the chapter this thread is dedicated to, I had changed my ideas about how to write the book. I started with the simple goal of writing something that would, hopefully, connect and resonate with anyone who chose to read it. I wanted to create the ultimate Everyman, but to present the character as anything but. It was to be about all of us, and how all of us are insane, whether we know it or not.

As I approached the end, I realized that my original goal was fine, but that my method could be improved. I had focused heavily on very evocative narrative, but that, alone, wasn't going to be enough. It's one thing to evoke a scene, it's another altogether to invoke it, to internalize it. I made liberal use of invocative ideas and phrasing, then, to try and make sure that you wouldn't just read the text and see what I was saying, but that you would feel and experience it on a visceral level.

I'm grateful beyond words for your words telling me I've accomplished my aim.

And, finally, I'll leave this offer for anyone who's reading along and is interested: If you would like to read more of the book, send me a PM and I'll make arrangements to get a few chapters to you. I'd value the feedback, so you'd be doing me the favor.

~Serzen