First few Paragraphs YA suspense - Black Horse -Working Titl

[Nessa]

I am just starting a novel. Well really I am more like one third finished. At this point though I am really looking towards opinions on my hook and my first few sentences. So here it goes. Tell me what you guys think and if it hooks you at all. Tell me if I suck too!

I always thought my sister would be by my side, until today. I clutched the bible in my hands, willing myself not to cry. Standing on an elaborate alter I could see my sister’s light blue coffin open and empty. Her body was too burned to present in the coffin. My mother forced me into this stupid service, when all I wanted was to mourn her alone. I tore my nails into Mathew 8:21 - 22, somehow thinking I would quiet the person up in the podium reading it.

My mother turned towards me and slapped my hand as if I was a mere child.

“Have a little respect for your sister, Anna,” she hissed. I turned back to see a guy staring at me. He wore a black leather jacket, his midnight hair slightly tattered and long. He didn’t fit in. I wondered how he knew my sister, and why he stared at me now. Perhaps it was because I was simply an uglier version of her. The same bright blue eyes and long brown hair. He got up and left when the priest started his speech and I felt my feet itching to stand. I wanted to follow him, but I imagined my mom’s anger if I left, so I stayed in my spot.

[lightelement94]

Just my genre!

It's definitely got something. You have little nuances in the opening I really enjoyed, the little details that really bring out the character's voice more than her own descriptions of herself. "I tore my nails into Matthew 8:21-22" says something about her and the writing more than some of the other sentences even if the verse isn't any more than a number to you. Honestly, I'm not crazy about the opening line because the rest of the passage doesn't go on to establish a real relationship with the sister, so there's not way to draw it into a sort of trap or snap for the reader. "I clutched the bible in my hands and willed myself not to cry. My sister's light blue coffin stood open and empty on an elaborate alter..." would be enough for me. I fiddled with the sentence structure a bit just to keep the important details more visible, if that makes sense...
They're (arguably) the most important lines in the book so I'm nitpicking, heh.

Your character has a voice I like very much; she seems strong and like someone you want to follow. Keep her voice fresh in the opening paragraphs by eliminating phrases like, "I wondered." She's already being judgmental when she says "He didn't fit in." Following that up with "How did he know my sister? Why was he staring at me now?" would make me feel more inside her head, more of the emotions flitting through her right now. More personal.

Hope it helps and that I wasn't too miniscule with that. I'm on an editing streak right now and that extends to everything from papers in school to other peoples' novels...

[JilltheImpossible]

Wow this is definitely a great hook! This really entices me to want to read more.
The only thing that bothered me a bit is the line " I turned back to see a guy staring at me."
Maybe try giving a little more detail on him or giving him a quirk? This is just my preference but I hate when people describe a mysterious/unknown character as simply "a guy" as opposed to "an old man with a deep purple scar that ran across his temple." or even just "he cocked an eyebrow when our eyes locked".You know what I mean?
Good luck on finishing your novel! It sounds awesome!

[Crystal]

wow that is really good and I definitely want to read more. I agree that the first sentence seems out of place, maybe you can use it somewhere else in the story, maybe when she is really reflecting on her relationship with her sister or something.

[gilesth]

To echo those before me, great hook! I don't have much to add except, maybe look at removing as many passive verbs as possible. That'll definitely liven up the narrative a bit more. The easiest place to start is by using "was" less. Obviously, you can't get rid of all of them, but see if you can change two or three of them :)

[lmitchell]

I like it. Good hook.

Like others have already mentioned, I'm also not a huge fan of your first sentence. I would strike it and begin with your second sentence.

You have me wanting more!

[Regan Leigh]

I don't know if you want a line by line, but thought I'd do my usual making comments as I read. I avoided reading your other comments, too, so I could give you first read, untainted opinion. But it is only one opinion. :)

I always thought my sister would be by my side, until today. I clutched the bible in my hands, willing myself not to cry. Standing on an elaborate alter I could see my sister’s light blue coffin open and empty. Her body was too burned to present in the coffin. My mother forced me into this stupid service, when all I wanted was to mourn her alone. I tore my nails into Mathew 8:21 - 22, somehow thinking I would quiet the person up in the podium reading it. I underlined the sentences I felt were the strongest. I think you can mention the mom stuff in the next paragraph because it breaks up your stronger/tighter lines. I don't think you need the first line.

My mother turned towards me and slapped my hand as if I was a mere child. Yeah, I'd say add the previous mom line here.

“Have a little respect for your sister, Anna,” she hissed. I turned back to see a guy staring at me. He wore a black leather jacket, his midnight hair slightly tattered and long. He didn’t fit in. I wondered how he knew my sister, and why he stared at me now. Perhaps it was because I was simply an uglier version of her. The same bright blue eyes and long brown hair. He got up and left when the priest started his speech and I felt my feet itching to stand. I wanted to follow him, but I imagined my mom’s anger if I left, so I stayed in my spot.

I like your voice and I think the opening is interesting. The thing that stood out to me is the reaction to the guy. There are so many YA books where people complain about female MC's who just stupidly follow after the bad boy, with little justification from the author on what their reasoning or motivation was... Does that make sense? So when I read this I almost cringed thinking, "Don't go there!"

And maybe that's nothing like where you're going with this story. But as a reader, I don't know that at this point. It would turn me off and make me wonder if I was setting myself up for another MC like previously described.

If she connects to this stranger immediately, it makes me wonder how most girls would respond in this situation. She's under stress, at her sister's funeral, and a guy is staring at her. Even reminding her that she isn't as pretty as her dead sister. Which would make her angry or jealous? And then maybe guilty afterwards? I don't know, but I'd think she'd have more of a negative reaction. Like how upsetting it is to have people stare at you while you mourn. In other words, I would think she would challenge him by staring back or hide from his view, whatever depending on her personality. But I didn't see motivation for her to follow him.

Now if she somehow recognized him, then I could see her following. Or if he had an object of her sister's in his hand, then heck yes she'd want to bolt after him.

I'm rambling. Anyway, I think you're doing a good job. Otherwise I wouldn't ramble at you about your character. :D I'll stop now.