gilesth wrote:I'm changing this a LOT :) Any more thoughts?
Nicholas Benson never meant to kill anyone.
How about omit "Benson"?
At thirteen, he unleashes a lightning storm to defend himself from a schoolyard bully. Unable to control his power, and terrified of hurting anyone else, he agrees to let his parents send him to the Magi Academy. On his first day, Nicholas is surprised to learn that the Queen’s daughter, Joselyn, is also enrolled at the Academy. Paired up for their first year of training, Nicholas and Joselyn quickly forge a close friendship.
Good. Omit "of training" and "quickly".
With skin the color of fresh snow,
Omit "fresh".
Nicholas’s bully troubles are far from over.
Omit. Omit. Omit.
Still barely able to control his powers, he tries to avoid a trio of older students who torment him at every turn. But when they attack him in the park, he curls into a ball and reigns in the powers that want to crush the life from the boys who kick him until they’re bored.
Good. Reins in, not reigns in.
His problems don’t end there.
Omit. Omit. Omit.
Since Joselyn’s magic makes her ineligible for the throne, the Queen is brings together a parliament that will replace the monarchy. However, Nicholas learns of a plot to kill the Queen before the first national election. Joselyn’s uncle plans to kill Joselyn and her mother, pin the murders on a group of anti-royalist rebels, and then stop the election altogether.
Good.
Though allowing his wild magic to take another man’s life makes him nervous,
C'mon. Nervous?? After all this it has got to make him more than jittery.
Nicholas grows ill when he realizes he could lose his best friend.
Omit. Omit. Omit.
With the future of the nation at stake, Nicholas is left to decide whether he’ll corral his powers and let Joselyn die or kill a man in order to save the Queen.
Good, but don't go all Western on us now. Substitute "corral". Also, don't
leave him to
decide whether to
let. Sounds too passive. He must do something or something else will happen, no?
Good stuff. Good luck with it.