MG Novel Query

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Scribble
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MG Novel Query

Post by Scribble » April 7th, 2010, 8:31 pm

Erm, here we go. I'm in the middle of revisions for my MG novel and I would like some fresh eyes on my query for it please.
Any feedback is of course, welcome.

Twelve-year-old Sarah doesn’t believe in any of that guff about magic or the supernatural.
That’s because she’s never tried to sneak into invisible houses, ancient magic mirrors, or argued with talking teddy bears. She’s certainly never run for her life from dark Hunters, or confronted an old God who kidnaps children and turns them into books.
Nope. Her life is boring.
That’s all going to change when her little sister, Jane, disappears during a game of Hide and Seek and Sarah leaves her dull life behind to go and rescue her.
If Sarah can’t find Jane and escape the nightmare realm of mirrors, they’ll both be forced to spend eternity trapped on the other side of the glass. So, stubborn girl that she is, she sets out to save her sister, fight a God, and get back home in time for tea.
I am seeking representation for The House of Mirrors, a 50,000-word contemporary fantasy novel for 9 years and up.
I thank you for your time and consideration.

EDIT - Revision #3 at bottom of thread.
Last edited by Scribble on April 8th, 2010, 10:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

Emily J
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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by Emily J » April 7th, 2010, 10:49 pm

Scribble wrote:Erm, here we go. I'm in the middle of revisions for my MG novel and I would like some fresh eyes on my query for it please.
Any feedback is of course, welcome.

Twelve-year-old Sarah doesn’t believe in any of that guff about magic or the supernatural.
This opening works for me
That’s because she’s never tried to sneak into invisible houses, ancient magic mirrors, is she trying to sneak into the mirrors? slight confusion here, Maybe rephrase? Also not sure with starting the sentence with "That" why not something like "She's never come across invisible houses, an..." or argued with talking teddy bears. She’s certainly never run for her life from dark Hunters, or confronted an old God who kidnaps children and turns them into books.

Nope. Her life is boring. Quick formatting note: when sending an electronic query put spaces btw your paragraphs here it is hard to tell where one paragraph ends and the next starts. I took a shot with re-formatting

That’s all going to change when her little sister, Jane, disappears during a game of Hide and Seek that's the general idea with the game tho right? lol I'm a smartass and Sarah leaves her dull life behind to go and rescue her.

If Sarah can’t find Jane and escape the nightmare realm of mirrors, they’ll both be forced to spend eternity trapped on the other side of the glass. So, stubborn girl that she is, she sets out to save her sister, fight a God, and get back home in time for tea. cute!

I am seeking representation for The House of Mirrors, capitalize your title in a query a 50,000-word contemporary fantasy novel for 9 years and up. I thank you for your time and consideration.
I really like this query. I would request pages. It has voice and verve. The formatting issue is a quick fix and will help the reader know where the paragraph breaks occur. Otherwise though, nice query!

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by Scribble » April 8th, 2010, 7:51 am

Thanks loads Emily, for both the kind words and the constructive comments, here's the revised version:

Twelve-year-old Sarah doesn’t believe in any of that guff about magic or the supernatural.

Maybe that’s because she’s never had to sneak into invisible houses, step through ancient magic mirrors, or scuffled with talking teddy bears. She’s certainly never run for her life from the dark Hunters, or confronted an old god who kidnaps children and turns them into books.
Nope. Her life is boring.

That’s all going to change when her little sister, Jane, disappears before her eyes during a game of hide and seek and Sarah leaves her old life behind to go and rescue her.

If Sarah can’t find Jane and escape the nightmare realm of mirrors, they’ll both be forced to spend eternity trapped on the other side of the glass. So, stubborn girl that she is, she sets out to save her sister, fight a god, and get back home in time for tea.

I am seeking representation for THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS, a 50,000-word contemporary fantasy novel for 9 years and up.

I thank you for your time and consideration.

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by JustineDell » April 8th, 2010, 9:06 am

First, this sounds really good.
Scribble wrote:
Twelve-year-old Sarah doesn’t believe in any of that guff about magic or the supernatural.

Maybe that’s because she’s never had to sneak into invisible houses, step through ancient magic mirrors, or scuffled scuffled? Do you mean scuffle? with talking teddy bears.<--Totally laughing. This is cute. She’s certainly never run for her life from the dark Hunters, or confronted an old god who kidnaps children and turns them into books.
DId you mean to not put a space between these two? You could put the sentence below at the end of the paragraph above.
Nope. Her life is boring.

That’s all going to change when her little sister, Jane, disappears before her eyes during a game of hide and seek and Sarah leaves her old life behind to go and rescue her. <--I get what you are saying here, but I think you could say it better. Like, where does Sarah go, exactly?

Suggestion: When Sarah's little sister, Jane, disappears during a game of hid and seek, Sarah's boring life turns into the magic she never believed in. She leaves her uninteresting life behind and dips into the (insert name of the place or description here).

Hmm...I'm not sure thats better, but hopefully you get the idea. Originally you have one little paragraph thats one long sentence, so if you do anything, maybe you can break it up? Or stick it with the paragraph below. It looks weird having a bunch of one line paragraphs. Just a suggestion, of course.


If Sarah can’t find Jane and escape the nightmare realm of mirrors, they’ll both be forced to spend eternity trapped on the other side of the glass. So, stubborn girl that she is, she sets out to save her sister, fight a god, and get back home in time for tea. <--This last sentence is really cute.

I am seeking representation for THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS, a 50,000-word contemporary fantasy novel for 9 years and up.
Again, I think this query is already really good. And the story seems to be really good too. Good job!

~JD

http://www.justine-dell.blogspot.com/

"Three things in life that, once gone, never return; Time, Words, & Opportunity"

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by Scribble » April 8th, 2010, 10:19 am

Thanks Justine, great comments and suggestions.
Okay here's #3. Thanks for the patience everyone:



Twelve-year-old Sarah doesn’t believe in any of that guff about magic or the supernatural, but that all changes when her little sister, Jane, disappears before her eyes during a game of hide and seek. Sarah soon finds herself sneaking into hidden mansions, scuffling with a thuggish teddy bear and entering a realm that exists on the other side of an enchanted mirror.

If she can’t find Jane and escape the nightmare kingdom, she’ll be trapped on the other side of the glass. Forced to live in fear of the roaming Hunters – nightmarish monsters that patrol the land for prey to absorb and take to their master. If that’s not bad enough, Sarah has to deal with the ancient god, creator of the Hunters and ruler of all. He wants Sarah’s soul to power his world and her body to shape into a book for a little light reading. Just like he’s already done to Jane.

But Sarah has other plans and sets out to fight the god, save her sister and get home in time for tea.

I am seeking representation for THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS, a 50,000-word contemporary fantasy novel for 9 years and up.

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by chomsnumnum » April 8th, 2010, 10:32 am

Twelve-year-old Sarah doesn’t believe in any of that guff about magic or the supernatural.

Her life is boring and that's the way she likes it.

That's all going to change when her little sister, Jane, disappears before her eyes during a game of hide and seek, and Sarah leaves her old life behind to go and rescue her.

Maybe that’s because she’s never had Now she has to sneak into invisible houses, step through ancient magic mirrors, or and scuffledwith talking teddy bears. She’s certainly neverIt just gets worse when she has to run for her life from the dark Hunters, or and confronted an old god who kidnaps children and turns them into books.
Nope. Her life is boring.
That’s all going to change when her little sister, Jane, disappears before her eyes during a game of hide and seek and Sarah leaves her old life behind to go and rescue her.

If Sarah can’t find Jane and escape the nightmare realm of mirrors, they’ll both be forced to spend eternity trapped on the other side of the glass. So, stubborn girl that she is, she sets out to save her sister, fight a god, and get back home in time for tea.

I am seeking representation for THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS, a 50,000-word contemporary fantasy novel for 9 years and up.

I thank you for your time and consideration.

This sounds like a great story. I'm a MG writer also, 50K seems a little long for this age, but if you're working on revisions I'm sure that will come down. And if every word's a gem then keep all 50K.

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by Joel Q » April 9th, 2010, 6:15 pm

Scribble wrote:Thanks Justine, great comments and suggestions.
Okay here's #3. Thanks for the patience everyone:



Twelve-year-old Sarah doesn’t believe in any of that guff about magic or the supernatural, but that all changes when her little sister, Jane, disappears before her eyes during a game of hide and seek. Sarah soon finds herself sneaking into hidden mansions, scuffling with a thuggish teddy bear and entering a realm that exists on the other side of an enchanted mirror.

Are the mansions and teddy bear on the other side of th mirror? If so, you might need to rework that sentence.

If she can’t find Jane and escape the nightmare kingdom, she’ll be trapped on the other side of the glass. Forced to live in fear of the roaming Hunters – nightmarish monsters that patrol the land for prey just wondering if describing the the prey would add to the tension--are they other lost children or nice toys?? to absorb and take to their master. If that’s not bad enough, Sarah has to deal with the ancient god, creator of the Hunters and ruler of all. He wants Sarah’s soul to power his world and her body to shape into a book for a little light reading. Just like he’s already done to Jane.

But Sarah has other plans and sets out to fight the god, save her sister and get home in time for tea.

I am seeking representation for THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS, a 50,000-word contemporary fantasy novel for 9 years and up.
So much better than the first one. Nice job w/ revisions!

My only other question is what does tea have to do with anything, it seem more like a cliche?
Your first post mentions revisions... is tea part of the story or could you change that to "get home" before her parents find out or get home from work...?
Just a thought.
JQ

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by rainbowsheeps » April 9th, 2010, 6:59 pm

Scribble wrote: Okay here's #3. Thanks for the patience everyone:

Twelve-year-old Sarah doesn’t believe in any of that guff about magic or the supernatural. but All of that all changes when her little sister, Jane, disappears before her eyes during a game of hide and seek. Sarah soon finds herself sneaking into hidden mansions (If the mansions really are invisible, I think you should say that instead. It's more odd and compelling, I think), scuffling with a thuggish teddy bear, and entering a realm that exists on the other side of an enchanted mirror. (Entering a realm that exists... did she do that first? Do the invisible mansions and thuggish teddy bears exist in a world behind the mirror, or is the mirror just an element of the larger world you're describing?)

If she can’t find Jane and escape the Nightmare Kingdom (if that's its proper name), she’ll be trapped on the other side of the glass. Forced to live in fear of the roaming Hunters – nightmarish monsters that patrol the land for prey to absorb and take to their master. If that’s not bad enough, Sarah has to deal with the ancient god, creator of the Hunters and ruler of all. He wants Sarah’s soul to power his world and her body to shape into a book for a little light reading. Just like he’s already done to Jane. I think this paragraph needs a little tightening. The second sentence isn't a complete thought, and the general flow isn't as smooth as the rest of the query. You may want to try something like:

If she can't find Jane and escape the Nightmare Kingdom, she'll be trapped in the mirror (when you say "other side" when she's already on the other side, it's a little odd) forever. But Sarah is already on the run from the nightmarish monsters, called Hunters, that patrol the land. If that's not bad enough, she has to deal with an ancient god who wants to use her soul to power his world, and shape her body into a book for a little light reading. Just like he's already done to Jane.


But Sarah has other plans. and She sets out to fight the god, save her sister and get home in time for tea.

I am seeking representation for THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS, a 50,000-word contemporary fantasy novel for 9 years and up.
The story sounds great. The general tone is perfect. The voice is good. It's compelling. I like it. I think with a little bit more tightening, you have a great, great shot.

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by Scribble » April 10th, 2010, 7:10 am

Thanks for the comments Rainbowsheeps, JoelQ and Chomsnumnum.

Rainbow - the hidden mansion and teddy exist in our world and are kind of the guardian of the gate to the other side (so they come first). I've also tried to tighten that tricky second para.

JoelQ - tea is dinner, as in tea-time. I guess it's a brit thing - I put it in as humour (rule of 3), and as grounding to remind that this sort of thing is most unusual and doesn't happen everyday for her.

Chom - I'm not sure on word length, I get so many different sources/opinions, but I'll be sure to not let it get above 50k and will trim away what fat I find in the MS.

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by BethC » April 10th, 2010, 12:49 pm

I've just read through all the comments and agree with what's been said...I'm just posting to say I teach upper elementary/middle grade students and this sounds like something my kids would love. Great story. Just keep going....it will be great.

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by Scribble » April 10th, 2010, 7:00 pm

Thanks Beth, I'm right in the middle of slogging through revisions, and glad to hear it sounds like something someone/anyone would want to read!

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by stardog911 » April 10th, 2010, 8:40 pm

The revised query sounds good to me, I have a nine year old and I think she'll like it. :)
maybe instead of tea you could put in time to do her homework or some such thing.
keep up the good work!

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by Scribble » April 11th, 2010, 7:28 pm

Thanks Stardog911, I think you might be right, the reference to 'tea' is a bit limiting as it pins the story down in a place (UK), that it doesn't need really (since the vast majority of the story takes place over there).
But homework? Nah, Sarah doesn't fancy that, not one bit. She tells me it'd have to be something much nicer than homework! :)

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by kenpochick » April 13th, 2010, 4:42 pm

I like your third revision and the story sounds interesting. I agree with the others about "tea." The parallels are already there between "Through the Looking Glass" and your story, mentioning tea immediately made me think "Alice". I would mention something else, heck even snack time would be appropriate. Maybe before her parents realize they're gone or something like that.

Good luck with it, I'd read it.

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Re: MG Novel Query

Post by Scribble » April 13th, 2010, 5:30 pm

Kenpochick, I'm finally coming round with the idea of changing tea (it's just what a lot of people say up here in the north-east, when they mean dinner).

A shameful admission, but I only just read Alice Through the Looking-Glass this weekend!
I know, it's terrible of me to neglect it for so long (I was so glad to discover my story isn't an unintentional copy of that classic), I loved it though.

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