First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy

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charity_bradford
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First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy

Post by charity_bradford » April 6th, 2010, 4:20 pm

Looking for critique on my first 13 lines. Would this grab your interest? Would you keep reading? See anything that should be tightened?
Blinking did not make the darkness lighter. Reaching out, I felt the damp roughness of sandstone as little bits of earth flaked off. When I stepped forward the water around me lapped softly against the wall. The gentle sound faded into the darkness. My heart pounded uncomfortably, and a sob escaped my lips before I could stop it. I clenched my fingers into a fist, willing my hands to stop shaking. Death lurked in the gloom and it searched for me.

I heard splashing in the distance and a dim glow of light began to reveal the tunnel around me. I instinctively searched for somewhere to hide as the water around my bare legs began to ripple. The rough walls offered no safety, but I pressed myself against one and hoped the shadows would be enough to save me this time.
Thanks!
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dahosek
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Re: First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy

Post by dahosek » April 6th, 2010, 4:49 pm

This seems an awful lot like a protagonist wakes up opening, which, apparently, is something that many agents don't like.

That said, my biggest problem is just feeling a bit unmoored. I don't really have much sense of what's at stake (although maybe I will soon).

"enough to save me this time" makes it sound like maybe on some previous occasion death found the protagonist.

"Blinking did not make the darkness lighter."
I liked this sentence.

Assuming that it's not a waking up scene (I'm guessing the other possibility is that our protagonist is hiding in a cave or escaping through a cave or somesuch). I'm thinking that I'd like to get more of a sense of what's at stake, at least enough to know why our protag is in the dark.

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charity_bradford
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Re: First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy

Post by charity_bradford » April 6th, 2010, 5:56 pm

Thanks! I've struggled with where to put things in this first scene. I'm glad "enough to save me this time" made you think she had died before, because she has many times. ;)
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Re: First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy

Post by CoachMT » April 6th, 2010, 6:00 pm

Blinking did not make the darkness lighter. Reaching out, I felt the damp roughness of sandstone as little bits of earth flaked off. When I stepped forward the water around my bare legs lapped softly against the wall. The gentle sound faded into the darkness. My heart pounded uncomfortably, and a sob escaped my lips before I could stop it. I clenched my fingers into a fist, willing my hands to stop shaking. Death lurked in the gloom and it searched for me.

I heard splashing in the distance and a dim glow of light revealed the tunnel around me. I instinctively searched for somewhere to hide as the water rippled. The rough walls offered no safety, but I pressed myself against one and hoped the shadows would be enough to save me this time.
Bold are words that you've repeated fairly close together and green are my suggestions - taking out some passive voice mostly. As a suggestion you might add something about the temperature of the water - that would be something noticed immediately if someone were "dropped" into this situation as the reader is. The "to save me this time" sounds odd to me too. I'd have another look at that to see if you could be more specific maybe. Hope this helps! I think you have a nice start here.

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Hillsy
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Re: First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy

Post by Hillsy » April 6th, 2010, 6:27 pm

I don't know what the 14th is like so I'll say what I can and you can decide if I wouldn't say it if I knew what was coming next.....Oh and real quick, 3 adverbs (Softly, uncomfortably, instinctively) - you know what to do...=0)

1st & 2nd - Great.
3rd, 4th & 5th - If I'm being hyper critical: I get the feeling you're trying to create a sense of dislocation, someone waiting in the dark. I think having the three sentences so short and so punchy makes it feel frenetic: 3 and 4 (maybe even 5) could be combined to give it a static effect. Or paragraphing maybe so "The gentle sound faded into the darkness" as it's own paragraph makes it feel utterly remote, desolate and no other senses other than this one, ebbing echo. Either way something makes me catch, but then again that could just be my preference.
6th - Fine
7th - "Death lurked in the gloom and it searched for me" unless it's actually the 'Death' it seems a little cliche. You wouldn't be hurting anything if you gave a definition here. 'They', 'Mark', 'Cerebrus', 'The Guardians': anything like that....also I'd consider something simply and declarative - "Death hunted for me in the gloom"....that 'and' sticks slightly.
8th - fine
9th - See adverb earlier. Also this rippling need to be explained, I don't know whether the light, or whoever is hunting her is causing it, if she's scared of it, if her attempts to hide are causing it. If the rippling isn't important It's almost redundant, otherwise expand on it or it just seems a bit, you know, clunky.
10th - Fine

OK that's being hyper critical, but you can always say something if you try hard enough. Bottom line is, adverbs aside, nothing leaps out and screams "novice!!!". As for the interest/keep reading, I think that's something Agents worry about - If I applied that reasoning to all the books in my collection I wouldn't read most of them. As a reader if I thought the premise sounded good, I wouldn't be scared by this opening that I'm reading garbage.

Hope that helps

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dahosek
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Re: First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy

Post by dahosek » April 6th, 2010, 6:29 pm

I think, if you want "enough to save me this time" to indicate that the character has died before, you need to be more explicit, or it will seem like a mistake to the reader.

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Re: First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy

Post by otherside89girl » April 6th, 2010, 10:30 pm

Death lurked in the gloom and it searched for me.

I feel like that should be the first sentence. Blinking did not make the darkness lighter - this kind of confused me, but I think I would have liked it more if it wasn't the very first thing I read.

And I'm not sure about the "sob" part, because if a character is crying before I know what's going on, I'm unlikely to feel sympathy for him/her. I like how you set the scene - I can almost picture it, but of course 13 lines is not a lot to go by.

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Re: First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy

Post by KappaP » April 7th, 2010, 4:16 am

Hey Charity!

I've actually kept up with your first 13s evolution over on Hatrack, and I'll say it's definitely gotten a lot stronger so props! Overall, I think this is quite good and I only have a few nitpicks and then a general suggestion.

The 2nd and 3rd sentences I think should be combined to give the 4th more punch--

"Reaching out, I felt the damp roughness of sandstone as little bits of earth flaked off, and when I stepped forward the water around me lapped against the wall. The gentle sound faded into the darkness." (I also took out the adverb). For me and my reading style-- combining those two sentences makes "The gentle sound faded into the darkness" seem more distinct and more ominous.

So, from what I've read about Sendek, I know this ISNT Talia waking up from a dream... it's actually her IN the dream. This is actually a really interesting concept and I wonder what would happen if you just came right out with it at the beginning.

What I mean is starting with something like this (I'm not even going to try and do this in your voice or with much writing skill, it's just to give a general idea):

I had this dream for the first time when i was X years old. It used to bother me, but as I've run through that dark tunnel trying to outwit death time and time again over the past Y years, I've grown used to it. Nowadays, I just wake up after and make some tea to steady my jumping heart. Dreams can't hurt me, but someday the things in them will. That's clear enough. Last night, the dream was like it always was..... [and then start the description here].

This is my style, so I understand if it doesn't fit yours. But I think setting it up AS a dream before she describes it can give you some opportunity to hint to the fact that a) the dreams are recurring b) they're prophetic c) give your character a bit of voice d) help set up who Talia is OUTSIDE of the dream so we feel afraid for her IN the dream.

My two cents! These aren't bad at all, don't get me wrong. Just throwing out a suggestion in case you're in the market for one. Keep going, this is turning out well!
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charity_bradford
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Re: First 13--SENDEK Science Fantasy

Post by charity_bradford » April 7th, 2010, 9:20 am

First of all, thank you to everyone for your comments. It is all good food for thought.

Hillsy, thanks for the break down critique. That is really helpful. She calls them death because at this point she doesn't know what the name of the creatures is. Only that whenever they appear she always dies, so to her they are 'Death'. The cause of the rippling comes next. ;) Thanks, I'm glad you would read a little further, means I'm making progress.

Dahosek, your comment combined with KappaP's may hold the answer. I will seriously consider stating from the beginning that she knows exactly where she is, what is coming, and that it is her lifetime nightmare. (BTW, thanks KappaP for pointing out the improvements. :) That is enough for me to keep plugging along. I'll get there one of these days.) I want to make sure the reader knows that even though this dream is a major part of her life, the terror she feels each time is real and just as strong each time. She also clings to the hope that somehow she can find a way to change the outcome of the dream--during the dream and when it becomes a reality.

Otherside89girl, that is the second time someone suggested I move the "Death lurked..." sentence to the first line. I'm giving it serious thought. Also, thanks for your comment on the crying part. I need to work on that a little more if you thought she was crying. In the original version I had a telling sentence and I was trying to show how scared and frustrated she was becoming without saying it. Only one sob of desperation escapes before her steely mettle rises to sustain her. She's one tough chick for the most part, but we all have our weak moments. ;)

Thanks again everyone, you are all very helpful!
If you are a mother and a writer you have to make the time to write. No one is going to give it to you.
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