You open with passive voice ("he was escorted out") and an overused description ("midnight black").shadow wrote:REVISION AT THE BOTTOM!Guys and girls I have thick skin so be rough! Trust me, I got used to it. So I posted this before but I completely rewrote it and I am sure this is the final version so I would really like to get some constructive critique on it. My main question is does it hook you? Would you read on? Does it stink? Jelly Beans for commenters :D
Vitiosus calmed his breathing as he was escorted out into the centre of the village square by a few guards dressed in midnight black armor. He had to look cool, unemotional. The mail that protected his chest clattered slightly as he walked and he felt his father’s glare burned into his back. He had no choice now. Kill or die.
Your descriptions don't excite me or engage me. "Big angry-looking" is just weak. Imagine you're walking into this scene. The crowd, is it roaring, chanting, or simply simmering with the impatient murmurs of people who want to see a brawl? When you finally spot your foe, are you daunted by how he towers above you, how despite the fact that he's a prisoner, the men holding his chains cower beside him? Simply stating that he 'was tall' is not as good an image as . . . I dunno, saying that he dwarfed the guards holding his chains. Also, "piercing blue eyes" is a combination of words that are way overused.The noise of the Lassertas that crowded around the village square drowned out the yells of a big angry-looking human who was held back by chains and guards. The guards left Vitiosus’ side, his father watching his every move from a throne. The human stopped struggling and stared at him. He was tall, with rippling muscles showing through his torn tunic. Unlike Vitiosus’ black leather clothes, he was wearing a white tunic with elaborate designs on the collar and sleeves, and a leather pleated skirt with gold accents. His dark blonde hair was stained with mud, making it look brown, and lanky, but what Vitiosus noticed most were the warrior’s piercing blue eyes, who locked on Vitiosus in defiance. Vitiosus tried to hide his discomfort at the sight of this great warrior and what he was starting to realize was about to occur.
The scene has potential, and it's an intriguing place to start a story, but you don't push the language enough. Give me something I haven't read before.