Query letter for Too Enchanted; fantasy (here we go again)

[BAL]

*SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE TO READ LATEST QUERY*

Dear Agent,

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire often has her in dangerous and difficult situations, but when her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options, take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever. and the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again.

Tirian always expected his life to be quite and peaceful in the enchanted forest Kingdom of Garn. But things change when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress who ends up cursing him with a human body. Now he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, a human guide. The Elders choose the girl who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess. Tirian feels he’s left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever.

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) trespassing on human territory.

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf by the name of Wester, discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. They must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted is the story of one overly enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants and one half-human girl trying to forget her past. Together they just might succeed.

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

[shadow]

Hola!! LOL JK Anyways here I go! If you want to critique mine in return it's overcast shadows and I am really looking for feedback. Any who I don't think I read your earlier version.

Dear Agent,

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire often has her in dangerous and difficult situations, but when her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options, take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever. The sentence is interesting and gives a humourous vibe but it's a bit on the long side.andTthe one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again.

Tirian always expected his life to be quite and peaceful in the enchanted forest Kingdom of Garn. But things change when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress who ends up cursing him with a human body. What is he originally?Now he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, a human guide. The Elders choose the girl who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess. Tirian feels he’s left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever. I like it! It sounds like a good story though it still has the funny vibe for me. I hope you are going for that because if you are its working. I just don't see why you start with Rynn when this is more about Tirian

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) trespassing on human territory. I don't see how she comes in here

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf by the name of Wester, discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. They must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom. Where did the girl he loves go?

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted is the story of one overly enchanted toad He is a toad!! Awesome lol that really cracked me up! I am awkward at time so ignore that. trying to return to the life he wants and one half-human girl trying to forget her past. Together they just might succeed.

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

GOOD LUCK! It sounds very good and interesting!

[kenpochick]

I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You.

Dear Agent,

Tirian always expected his life to be quite quiet and peaceful, as a toad's life should be, in the enchanted forest Kingdom of Garn. But things change when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress who ends up cursing him with a human body. Tirian's feels [/s]he’s left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever. Now he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, a human guide. The Elders choose the girl who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess.

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire often has her in dangerous and difficult situations, but when her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options,: take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever.and the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again.

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) trespassing on human territory.

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf by the name of Wester, discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. They must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted (All capitals) is the story of one overly enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants and one half-human girl trying to forget her past. Together they just might succeed.

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

I remember seeing this on Evil Editor. Good luck with it, it sounds cute!

[brandi_fey]

I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You.

Dear Agent,

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire often has gets her into dangerous and difficult situations, but when her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options: take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever. And the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again.(I get the sense that Rynn isn't human, but I don't know exactly WHAT she is, either. Some clarification would be good.)

Tirian always expected his life to be quitequiet and peaceful in the enchanted forest Kingdom of Garn. But things change (this is very generic...and since you go on to say exactly how they change, it's unnecessary) when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress (I have no idea who these people are or why he would interfere)who ends up cursing him with a human body. (What was he before?)Now he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, a human guide. The Elders choose the girl (the half-human girl? Rynn? This needs clarification.) who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess. Tirian feels he’s left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever. (I found this very amusing, but I think it needs to be reconstructed, me thinks. Maybe: "To make matters worse, Tirian's human form is devastatingly handsome, and all the ladies are panting after him. Normally, he'd be happy to oblige them, but one kiss could bind him in his form forever." Just a play and probably completely inappropriate for your story, but hopefully you get my gist.)

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) (if you'd explained this previously, this wouldn't be necessary) trespassing on human territory.

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf, by the name of Wester, discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous (too many adjectives) sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. They must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel TOO ENCHANTED is the story of one overly enchanted toad (Oh, so he's a toad. This needs to come sooner.)trying to return to the life he wants and one half-human girl trying to forget her past. Together they just might succeed.

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

This story sounds like a lot of fun, but your information is a bit scattered. Make sure all your facts (such as character descriptions) is at the beginning. Also, avoid using adjectives as a crutch and, when you must use them, make sure they are as specific to your story and characters as possible. There are tons of stories with "treacherous enchantresses" and "dangerous sorcerers". You must make sure yours come across as unique. Best of luck with your query and your story. This is one that I really hope to read one day. ;)

[GeeGee55]

It sounds interesting and funny, a twist on an old classic princess and frog I would recommend that you go through the query not just for getting the plot in an interesting and clear form, but also check for sentence structure and word repetition. That way your writing looks strong to the agent, as well as the story

I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You.

Dear Agent,

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire like this turn of phrase often has her in dangerous and difficult situations. but-cut When her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options: take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever. and the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again - I don't think you need this last clause, it's backstory really and I'm not sure we need to know it here.

Tirian always expected his life to be quite - quiet and peaceful in the enchanted forest Kingdom of Garn. But things change when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress who ends up - how? cursing him with a human body. Now he must leave the quiet-repetition safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, a human guide. The Elders choose the girl who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess. Tirian feels he’s left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a - cut human forever.

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) trespassing on human territory. - this is a little rough, could be smoother, maybe play with it

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf by the name of Wester, discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. They must do whatever it takes to - cut stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted is the story of one overly enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants and one half-human girl trying to forget her past. Together they just might succeed. - This is well said

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Hope this helps. Good luck with it.

[BAL]

I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You.

Dear Agent,

Tirian always expected his life to be quite quiet and peaceful, as a toad's life should be, in the enchanted forest Kingdom of Garn. But things change when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress who ends up cursing him with a human body. Tirian's feels [/s]he’s left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever. Now he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, a human guide. The Elders choose the girl who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess.

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire often has her in dangerous and difficult situations, but when her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options,: take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever.and the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again.

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) trespassing on human territory.

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf by the name of Wester, discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. They must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted (All capitals) is the story of one overly enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants and one half-human girl trying to forget her past. Together they just might succeed.

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

I remember seeing this on Evil Editor. Good luck with it, it sounds cute!

Kenpochick-First Thanks for your tips and second when was it posted on Evil Editor?

[kenpochick]

Hmm. Maybe I didn't see it there. I could have sworn I did though. Have you posted it to another critique blog?

Never mind me then. :-)

[Emily J]

I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You.

Dear Agent,

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire great phrase! often has her in dangerous and difficult situations,this sentence is too long i would put a period here and divide into 2 sentences but when her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options, take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever. semi-colon hereand the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again.

Tirian always expected his life to be quite quiet? and peaceful in the enchanted forest Kingdom should kingdom be capitalized? *not sure*of Garn. But things change when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress who ends up cursing him with a human body. So you need to mention that he was a toad right? Not a person otherwise the impact is lost to the readerNow he must leave the quiet don't say quiet again safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, dash or colon here i thinka human guide. The Elders choose the girl who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess. Rephrase sentence "And the Elders choose the one human Tirian blames for his predicament (something like that Tirian feels he’s left in a terrible state Tirian is in a terrible state (stronger) after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever. OMG I LUV IT!

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, great love thisTirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe don't need place name, "dodges lovesick woman and with Rynn's help evades the...and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) trespassing on human territory.

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf by the name of Wester, dunno if we need to know about wolfie discover that the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. Too much plot, i think turning back to human might be enough, and now we have an entrantress and a sorcerer neither given a nameThey must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted i've heard that you are suppose to capitalize title, but opinions varyis the story of one overly enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants and one half-human girl trying to forget her past. BTW what is the other half??? *Is curious*Together they just might succeed. don't need this last sentence

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

I really like your plot! I think you have a cute idea and nice voice in your query. It feels a little long, however, and I'm wondering if you need to include all that stuff about The Source. Maybe going after the enchantress and him trying to return to a toad-state is plot enough? Just a thought-

[dahosek]

Prefatory note: I write my commentary before reading anything else in the thread so this might be a bit repetitive with other's comments.

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire often has her in dangerous and difficult situations, but when her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options, take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever. and the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again.

This feels a bit long and convoluted. You're trying to pack a lot of info into one or two sentences (depending on whether the period should be a comma or "and" should be capitalized). The points I pick up here are:
1. Rynn is a hero for hire
2. She may not be human (implicit in the statement kidnapped human girl).
3. The job went wrong
4. The forest elders of Garn want her to work for her or be imprisoned.

What I don't know is who hired Rynn and why the forest elders of Garn would want to hire her if their other option is to just imprison her.

Tirian always expected his life to be quite and peaceful in the enchanted forest Kingdom of Garn. But things change when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress who ends up cursing him with a human body. Now he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, a human guide. The Elders choose the girl who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess. Tirian feels he’s left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever.

And now we have a second major character. And a fair amount of confusion. I'm guessing that Rynn must be the half-human girl, but I don't know. It's also not clear what the advantage is of being whatever Tirian was before he was cursed instead of being a devastatingly handsome man who apparently is so attractive, he needs to worry about being kissed by random women.

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) trespassing on human territory.

"like her" would refer to the subject of the sentence which in this case is Tirian. And if Tirian is now human, why would the Elite Guards even give him a second glance? You've introduced Lascoe out of nowhere.

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf by the name of Wester, discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. They must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

Okay, finally we get a sense of what's at stake for the characters. The rest of the query is more back story.

First off, from reading queries here and elsewhere, I have to say that the claim that you can't get a sense of a writer's writing from their query is overstated. I'm guessing that some of the craft issues in the query also appear in your own writing (long convoluted sentences, pronouns not referring to the subjects, etc.)

You have two main protagonists here it seems. Tirian a something transformed into a human, and Rynn a half-human hero for hire thrown together by a failed rescue attempt who trying to set things right uncover a deeper threat than they knew existed.

Here's how I'd structure the query (writing it in the voice of the novel and as a paragraph or two).
1. Catalyst. Rynn, a half-human hero for hire is involved in a failed attempt to rescue a human girl from an evil enchantress. In the process Tarien an innocent bystander is transformed into a human being and the guardians of Garn assign her to help Tarien track down the enchantress to return him to his faerie(?) form and (presumably) finish the rescue job.
2. Consequences. If they fail, Tarien will be stuck in human form for the rest of his life (why is this a big deal? Does this mean he becomes mortal?) and Rynn will be sent to jail.
3. Complication. When they reach the human world, they find that the plot runs deeper than a mere kidnapping. Instead the enchantress, in league with a sorcerer, are trying to locate The Source (after names like Rynn, Tarien, Garn, Lascoe, Wester, you name your central artifact "The Source"?), an artifact which will give them the power to enslave the enchanted world of Garn.

I would imagine also that somehow the kidnapping from the beginning would be tied in with The Source (and this is something that I would mention in the query if it is).

[BAL]

I AM BACK WITH MORE CHANGES TO MY QUERY. ANY THOUGHTS OR ADVICE WOULD BE VERY WELCOME.

Like any self-respecting magic toad all Tirian wanted was to live a quiet life in the forest kingdom of Garn. All Rynn wanted was to complete her latest job and get paid. But not everyone gets what they want.

Tirian gets caught between Rynn and an angry enchantress and ends up cursed with a horribly gorgeous human body. Devastated by the transformation Tirian must follow the enchantress to the human lands to get her to change him back, but he must be careful because women are magically drawn to him by the curse and a kiss would bind him to his new body permanently.

Rynn is ordered by the forest Elders to help Tirian find the women who cursed him. Less than happy about playing babysitter, Rynn takes up this latest job for which her only payment is her freedom.

Racing against time Tirian and Rynn face magically love struck humans, mysterious magic users and the deadly Elite Guards. Their efforts lead them to discover that their enchantress is involved in a deeply sinister plan, concerning the assassination of a prince, a war and ultimately control over the Artair. The Artair is an object of immense power and the source behind the enchanted ones magic and the humans’ innovations. If the enchantress obtains the Artair it would mean the destruction of both kingdoms.

My 99,000-word fantasy novel TOO ENCHANTED is the story of an overly enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants and a girl trying to escape her past.

[gonzo2802]

Before I start, let me preface this by saying, I didn't read your first version or any of the comments made to it. I wanted to give you a fresh perspective based on THIS version of your query.

Like any self-respecting magic toad all Tirian wanted was to live a quiet life in the forest kingdom of Garn. All Rynn wanted was to complete her latest job and get paid. But not everyone gets what they want. Who is Rynn? Is she a toad as well? Or is she a different type of creature? You don't have to go into great detail, just give us an idea who/what she is. Since she's being mentioned in the first paragraph she must be of enough importance for us to know that info.

Tirian gets caught between Rynn and an angry enchantress and ends up cursed with a horribly gorgeous human body. This is a suggestion only, buy in order to break up the repetitive use of "and" in this sentence you might want to change it up a bit to something along the lines of "Caught between Rynn and an angry enchantress, Tirian ends up cursed with a horribly gorgeous human body." Devastated by the transformation Tirian must follow the enchantress to the human lands to get her to change him back, but he must be careful because women are magically drawn to him by the curse and a kiss would bind him to his new body permanently. I like the humorous way in which becoming ungodly handsome is a curse for the toad!

Rynn is ordered by the forest Elders to help Tirian find the women who cursed him. Less than happy about playing babysitter, Rynn takes up this latest job for which her only payment is her freedom. What does that mean "her only payment is her freedom"? This is the first time we're hearing about Rynn not being "free". I don't know whether this is something that would be answered in the first paragraph when we find out who/what Rynn is, but it should be addressed somehow, if that's HER motivating factor.

Racing against time Tirian and Rynn face magically love struck humans, mysterious magic users and the deadly Elite Guards. Their efforts lead them to discover that their enchantress is involved in a deeply sinister cliche description, the blurb is stronger without it plan ,concerning the assassination of to assassinate a prince, start a war and ultimately gain control over the Artair. The Artair is -- an object of immense power. and The Artair is the source behind the enchanted ones magic and the humans’ innovations. If the enchantress obtains the Artair control it would mean the destruction of both kingdoms.

TOO ENCHANTED is my 99,000-word fantasy novelTOO ENCHANTED is the story of an overly enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants and a girl trying to escape her past. This last part is unnecessary, since an agent will have already concluded as much about the toad from your query, and there is nothing currently in the query to make them care about the girl trying to escape her past.

These were just some of my thoughts and opinions, so take them as nothing more than that. Sounds like an interesting twist to the "kiss a few frogs to find a handsome prince" fairy tale though!