The Perfect Query Letter

[bentguy]

Dear Agent (If you aren't the right agent for my pitch, please forward this to the right agent. And please let me know you've forwarded it, and to who. I mean "whom." Whomever it was forwarded to, that is.):

So, I'm pretty sure I've invented a new, popular genre for my 163,437-word novel, The Nightmare From Which I Never Woke: I call it "high-fi, transmedia sci-fi." It's high-fi because I wrote the whole thing during a series of peyote-induced trances. In the desert. So, it's like pure and all.

It's transmedia because it will have some clickable pages that will send the reader to websites where they can order t-shirts. It's sci-fi because the world I created has two suns. (I can work with editors if they need it to be three.)

Anywho, there's some saga-like multigenerational stuff on my main planet, Hortog, and wars with lots of futuristic weapons (with step-by-step details on their manufacture and operations). But it's really a love story, because my main character, Glig, has sex with an alien, who's kind of like an old-fashioned egg-beater.

The novel's also very meta. You know, self-referential and informing.

My mother has been hounding me to send this query, because I haven't had much income for a bit, so if you could send me a little chunk of the advance now, that might help get her off my back. By the way, I paid for one of those deep Internet searches to find out your home address, so if you'd like to discuss this in person, I'm there in a heartbeat. I know you are busy—I will bring the coffee!

By the way, if you aren't interested in this book, I also write a kind of YA-haiku combination that is killer.

PS I think my novel could be a series.