Worst Query Competition

Because that novel isn't going to delay itself
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christi
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Worst Query Competition

Post by christi » February 5th, 2010, 10:43 pm

Sure, we could look at Query Shark to laugh at horrible queries (including mine), but anyone up for a game? I am sitting here bored out of my mind, and although I’ve seen various people submit fake queries as comments, etc (yes, you Ink), I find them hilarious and want to give it a go. Anyone else up for it? Here’s my fake query.

(I totally understand that writing real ones are a pain in the buttocks, so I'll get it if no one wants to play. Comment and mock, if you wish :-) )

Attn: Person Who Has Waited Their Entire Career for What I’m About to Submit to You

Othello Desmond Julius Rudibaker IV is an overpaid accountant for a publishing firm. He steals from his boss (who totally deserves it because we know the whole industry is a fascist scam), until one day the immigrant worker with no green card who cleans his office discovers his child pornography journal on his desk. Forced to quit his job in embarrassment, he turns around and sues them for discrimination against people with mental disorders and wins.

He takes the money and moves to Hawaii. While there, he is bitten by a shark and successfully sues the state of Hawaii for not protecting the public, as he asserts that sharks are an unnecessary danger and should have been eliminated from the waters. Sharks are then eradicated from the tropical waters of the islands.

While enjoying the private beach of his new home on Maui, a dead whale carcass washes ashore. He pays for its removal, then sues the state of Hawaii for eliminating the sharks which would have eaten the carcass that had littered his property.

ADVENTURES IN LITIGATION is my nearly completed synopsis and is enclosed for your exclusive review. I sent along some of the examples of the child pornography that Othello was caught with.

I’m glad I could be a stepping stone in your career,

J.K. Meyer (It’s really Archibald Greenswallow, but I think that penname is way better since other authors with that name have success.)
Would you sign my story for a Klondike bar?

http://christigoddard.blogspot.com/

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JustineDell
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by JustineDell » February 6th, 2010, 8:10 am

Ha ha!! That gave me a good laugh on my snowed-in morning.

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Bryan Russell/Ink
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by Bryan Russell/Ink » February 6th, 2010, 11:03 am

Lol. Adventures in Litigation... next Grisham around the corner?
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by TheShadow » February 6th, 2010, 12:04 pm

Can Klark save his town of Smallvillage from the invading aliens known only as H.A.H.A?

Laser gun battles ensue when H.A.H.A.’s bioengineered race of super-vampires kidnap Dan’s mother, Mary Magdalita, who was the only person that could decipher the 2000 year old painting which foretold the coming end of the world.

Neeo wanders in the massively popular cyberspace world of Terabithica with his niece Parry Hawter. Their fun comes to an end when H.A.H.A’s bullet dodging, sunglass wearing, artificial intelligence invade the kingdom. To save the kidnapped princess, they must quest through 8 magical worlds where turtles can fly and plumbers are freedom fighters.

Manakin steals an alien spaceship and with the help of a quirky, fun-loving, yet irritatingly annoying pet robot, he flies to H.A.H.A’s mother ship. Manakin overthrows the lightning wielding overlords by flying the ship into the moon which kersplodes it.

H.A.H.A: HUNGRY ANGEL HOLY ALLIANCE is science fantasy with elements of supernatural romance, historical humor, and thrilling horror. It is nearly complete at 250,000 words, not including the memoir, comic book adventure, and 3 gig video file attached with this e-mail. This, my twelfth novel, is completely original.
What dark dreams lay in dormant minds?

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christi
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by christi » February 6th, 2010, 12:20 pm

TheShadow wrote:Can Klark save his town of Smallvillage from the invading aliens known only as H.A.H.A? (hilarious)

Laser gun battles ensue when H.A.H.A.’s bioengineered race of super-vampires kidnap Dan’s mother, Mary Magdalita, who was the only person that could decipher the 2000 year old painting which foretold the coming end of the world. (this sounds like an actual Angel episode)

Neeo wanders in the massively popular cyberspace world of Terabithica with his niece Parry Hawter (LOL). Their fun comes to an end when H.A.H.A’s bullet dodging, sunglass wearing, artificial intelligence invade the kingdom. To save the kidnapped princess, they must quest through 8 magical worlds where turtles can fly and plumbers are freedom fighters. (I would totally read such a book)

Manakin steals an alien spaceship and with the help of a quirky, fun-loving, yet irritatingly annoying pet robot, he flies to H.A.H.A’s mother ship. Manakin overthrows the lightning wielding overlords by flying the ship into the moon which kersplodes it. (Kersplode. A derivitive of 'asplodey')

H.A.H.A: HUNGRY ANGEL HOLY ALLIANCE is science fantasy with elements of supernatural romance, historical humor, and thrilling horror. It is nearly complete at 250,000 words, not including the memoir, comic book adventure, and 3 gig video file attached with this e-mail. This, my twelfth novel, is completely original.
Awesome!
Would you sign my story for a Klondike bar?

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maybegenius
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by maybegenius » February 7th, 2010, 1:06 pm

Haha, I actually had a similar idea and wondered if anyone had started a thread like this, and here it is!

I'll play!

Dear Agent John Shoemaker Agent Jane Smith,

You were highly recommended to me by your client Famous McAuthor on their website, so I thought I'd give you the very first crack at my debut fiction novel! I expect a big rush for this book, because due to my extensive research into the Field of Writign, I am sure it will be the next big trend in Young New Adult Literary Romantic Steampunk Urban Fantasy Thrillers.

AS THE CLOCKWORK WORLD TURNS is a work of fiction, even though a lot of the things that happen in it are so realistic that you might wonder. It is about 125 pages single-spaced in Word, so whatever that would be in a published book. I started it during NaNoWriMo and recently came back to it, finishing it up in only three weeks, and had it ready to send out two weeks after that. As you can see, I am very efficient at producing literature.

I'd describe my book as a combination of the styles of Nicolas Sparks, Dean Koontz, and Virgina Woolf, with a little JK Rowling to make it interesting to young people. I have a computer science degree from FakeName University (well, I would if I hadn't skipped my finals last semester, but I'm making it up now), but I read all of Dan Brown's books and most of the ones my professor's assigned me, so I have a pretty good grasp on what quality books should look like.

Oh right, you probably want to hear about my book now!

MacKenzye Jones is a 15-year old girl that lives in London in 1875. When her parents get eaten by a radioactive alien spider, she has to run for her life! She tries to go to England's equivalent of the CIA, but they throw her in prison for being on drugs. They torture her extensively and make her go crazy, but after two years of meditation she's able to pull herself out of her insanity, more powerful than ever. With her advanced fighting skills learned from studying old etchings on the wall of her cell, she takes down all the guards and battles her way back to the streets with one goal in mind: find that spider, and make it pay.

Mac has to battle through several attacks from various factions in London at the time, all trying to keep her from her goal. Just when she thinks she's about to lose it again, she meets Chester Field, a devastatingly handsome weretiger with a bionic arm. He actually tries to rip her face off, but he's so moved by her beauty and charm that he stops in his tracks. They have a whirlwind romance, and he helps her find the spider. With the help of their friend, a talking wallaby named Bucky, they are at last able to revenge the deaths of Mac's parents. London is saved, and they live happily ever after. At least, until Chester's mutated uncle decides that Mac needs to die...

There's a lesson about the dangers of pretending to be on drugs to be accepted by your peers, but it's really tastefully done and tweens and teens won't even know it's there.

This is a story for the ages that will appeal to everyone in the world, regardless of background or interests. I promise you, this is a guaranteed multi-million dollar bestseller with huge film and merchandise potential.

I will be waiting for your offer for the next 24 hours. Feel free to email me back at any time, but don't wait too long!

Much love and respect from your new homie,
Billy-Jean Mirabelle Awesomesauce (pen name)
aka S.E. Sinkhorn, or Steph

My Blog | My Twitter | YA!Flash Tumblr

Represented by Michelle Andelman of Regal Literary

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christi
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by christi » February 7th, 2010, 1:23 pm

I LOL'd at this a lot "Young New Adult Literary Romantic Steampunk Urban Fantasy Thrillers." Sadly, because when I wrote my first query I listed mine as a YA fantasy/adventure/romance. *facepalm* I watch too many movies.

This was hilarious. Thanks for playing along!
Would you sign my story for a Klondike bar?

http://christigoddard.blogspot.com/

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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by rose » February 7th, 2010, 3:51 pm

Oh, this is a deeelishus thread. No one gets writer humor like other writers. My lol moment came with

As you can see, I am very efficient at producing literature.

I imagine those words hanging over my head like some ethereal thought bubble and that makes me smile. Thank you, my goofy darlings, for letting your inner worst author come out to play.

rose
Follow my work at Smashwords:

Riders on the Rez http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/35697
The Good-Bye Man

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christi
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by christi » February 8th, 2010, 10:27 am

So, I’m bored again. I might wind up making a habit of this while I wait for the rejection letters to come pouring in.

Attn: agent or agent’s lackey,

What do peanut butter and flying monkeys have in common? They were in my dream last night. I believe it was a portent for me to contact you at last so that my book could be published.

Once upon a time, a little bear lived in a castle, waiting for a dragon to rescue him from the prince who kept him as a love slave and forced him to eat apples constantly which made him defecate hour after painful hour. The prince believed the bear was hiding a golden egg in his body and was trying to force it out.

Although most of my story takes place in the lavatory in the dungeons of a castle with very poor plumbing designed by mutant organic robots, I believe the story’s depth is adequately portrayed with each grunt of the little bear, whether he is going number two or being subjected to the prince’s penchant for bestiality.

Told from the point of view of his small rodent friend, THE PRINCE’S LOVESLAVE GOLDEN EGG HIDING BEAR, is a humorous romp filled with catchy poetry and a world yet unexplored by modern fiction: the secret lives of the rich. At 243,586 words, it is a single book, but I’ve already written the next seven. We’ll be rich! Give me a call.

James J. Jamison Jeffrey Jackson
(My friends call me Jajajeja for short)
Would you sign my story for a Klondike bar?

http://christigoddard.blogspot.com/

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maybegenius
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by maybegenius » February 8th, 2010, 7:51 pm

Sounds like you've discovered a whole new niche there, christi. WOW. LOL.

(My friends call me Jajajeja for short) - ahahahahahaha
aka S.E. Sinkhorn, or Steph

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Represented by Michelle Andelman of Regal Literary

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Emily White
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by Emily White » February 9th, 2010, 8:40 am

Christi,

That is so wrong, but so funny! I just can't stop laughing long enough to say any more than that. Too funny!
Find out about ELEMENTAL, my YA Space Opera (available June 21, 2011) on my blog and ELEMENTAL's facebook fan page

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aspiring_x
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by aspiring_x » February 12th, 2010, 12:56 pm

I'm casting my vote for the bear one.

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Josin
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by Josin » February 12th, 2010, 2:11 pm

*Put this on the head man's desk. Head man, not a chick, I got a restriction.*

Yo, Head Man.

So I got this idea.

There's like this *** guy and he kills this **** *dude and it'll be totally **** realistic because my **** cellmate talks in his sleep... innocent my ***. And the **** dude in the book's gonna be a sleep-talker, too only we''ll call him Jim instead of Tim so **** T-bone don't know it's about him, okay? He don't read much anyway, so he'll never figure it out and there's that ***** Son of Sam law that says he can't make money on his story anyways. That's why I can **** make money on it. You like money, right? Cause if you don't, tell me who does

And since *** vampires and **** werewolves are the big **** thing, we'll make him one of those. There's this **** crazy website where these **** idiots post all these stories for free and they're already superpopular because they're based on real **** books, so you don't gotta worry about an **** audience. That **** Twilight thing's good for at least a few million more dollars, right? We'll go with that.

I figure it'll be about 112 pages long when I'm done, so do I just send it to you or should I give it to my girl and have her deliver it to your office? You can give her the c1heck for me.

Nah, you know what, my guy looked you up already. I'll tell Tina to bring it to your house next week. Cute kids, by the way.

-- #2758394

P.S. I wanna dedicate it to my Mom and my 7th step-dad he's good **** people. Got 6 1/2 years knocked off my sentence.

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Bryan Russell/Ink
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by Bryan Russell/Ink » February 12th, 2010, 2:40 pm

Lol, Josin.

In my former life as a Lit mag editor I actually had someone submit from a federal prison. Handwritten, and with bits of toiletpaper spit-pasted over the mistakes, with the corrections written in on top. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.
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Re: Worst Query Competition

Post by JL Hartfield » February 15th, 2010, 1:13 am

I'd like to invite you to read my 236,744 word Historical Science Fiction Paranormal Fantasy Thriller, ED.

Henry Porter is a chip off the old block, but feels like a fish out of water when it comes to wizardry. When he meets the girl of his dreams, he realizes that love isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. In other words, she doesn’t like him. (Did you get that? If not, I’ll query you with every revision until I get it right!) He takes her opasition with a grain of salt.

By the way, it takes place in 1980 in Trenton (That’s in New Jersey). The girl’s name is unpronounceable by humans since she’s a ghost fairy gypsy alien from the planet Xasdfjanasdf, so he calls her Ed after his pet goldfish from the fourth grade that died when he wanted to see what would happen if he put seventy packs of jell-o into the tank.

Henry needs to put his butt into gear because an evil mustache guy who is from the planet Handlebar wants to kidnap Ed and take her to his secret lair because he wants to hear her sing because everyone knows that ghost fairy gypsy aliens from Xasdfjanasdf are great sopranos. He practices day and night to be the best wizard he can. Unfortunately he only gets one day because mustache guy lures Ed into a trap with a can of sardines.

Will Henry Porter the amazing magician be able to stop the mustache man? Would Henry be a better wizard if he had a mustache? It’s a race against the clock. This is the best book EVER, so you’d be stupid as a sack of gerbils to turn me down.

That’s a wrap.

P.S.- I know where you live, and I’d like to tell you I don’t like the new drapes. The floral clashes with the couch.

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