Nathan Bransford - The Forums

What's all this chatter about bare monkeys? Have they no shame? No Depends?

I love the new layout, Nathan.

Nathan Bransford wrote:

BransfordGroupie wrote:Nathan,

I have to ask. Where and how did this monkey fetish start?

I believe it all started when I got into a staring match with an orangutan at the San Diego Zoo and the orangutan won.

I can relate. I once looked at an orangutan at the Berlin Zoo and got utterly confused who was supposed to entertain who. He absentmindedly gnawed at a giant carrot, and I was sure in a second he'd grab the remote and zap me off.

For some reason this question kind of made me think about local folklore (I'm Scandinavian) that tells of men skinning bears, putting on the pelts and turning into bears. And then it got really strange. Anyway, my point is that I think a monkey in a bear pelt would probably win all.

Depends on the context, I think. No one ever said a bear was going to type Shakespeare.

But toss 'em both in a pit, and I'd have to go with the bear. Even if you let a human stand in for the monkey, the bear wins—maybe even *especially* if you let a human stand in for the monkey. I bet a gorilla would last longer than a human, fragile, fleshy things that we are.

Bears. Unless it's prison rules. Then I'd have to say Monkeys.

In the interest of objective research, I posed this question to a monkey and a bear in the same room. The monkey said, "Aiieee!" The bear said, "Erp!" I intended to ask a few followup questions, but the bear still looked hungry.

Monkeys. Because they've traveled into space. Seriously.

Bears are fluffy = win
Bears are strong = win
Bears are ferocious = win
Bears are awesome = win
Bears can't fly = fail

Monkeys are cute = win
Monkeys entertain = win
Monkeys clap cymbols together and wear carnival hats = fail

I don't know. It's a toss up for me, but in the end I'd have to say bears win 9 times out of 10.

Well let's see...

Monkeys throw their poo, which is just plain rude and inconsiderate. Plus, they like to make funny faces and I can never tell whether they're just trying to be amusing, or actually mocking me. This makes me uncomfortable.

Bears, on the other hand, tend to maul indiscriminately. A behavior I find to be entirely unacceptable. It bespeaks a complete lack of self-control, and is indicative of a moral declination which has plagued the wilds for decades. I blame Rap Music.

However, there is one creature who has consistently shown a propensity for unmatched ferocity, while maintaining a healthy and cognizant respect for its adversary in the general social order. The animal exhibits a lethal cunning that is very rarely seen by anyone other than its opponents, which only serves to enhance its reputation as a meek and timorous being.

I am speaking of none other than... the Chinchilla.

Yes, the Chinchilla is a genetically superior and masterful warrior, far more dangerous than any breed of Monkey or Bear. Trust me folks, don't be fooled by its cute and cuddly appearance. The Chinchilla is one of the deadliest creatures to roam our grand planet. By and large, they are a peace-loving species. But when compelled to defend their genus or territory, a Chinchilla is capable of horrific violence.

Bears and Monkeys? Heh, we're talkin' chump-change, people.

My money's on the Chinchilla.

Monkeys...it's those opposing thumbs. Bears just can't get a good grip.

December 8, 2009

Mr. Nathan Bransford
San Francisco, CA

Dear Mr. Bransford,

I was given your name by Clyde the Gentle Giant at the San Diego Zoo, and he suggested that I contact you regarding my latest novel.

Bears are grumpy and simple creatures. Monkeys are cheeky little bastards. They share few traits, but they have a common enemy in mankind, whose strange instincts have led them to pave over arable land, clear-cut forests, and kill monkeys and bears for dark and frightening purposes other than food.

Set in a near-future world where global warming has finally rendered the earth a comfortable temperature, The Interpretation of Dreams tells a story of strange alliances and the mythic struggle between nature and man. When bears no longer hibernate, their long winter dreams are replaced by novel ideas. Can they gather the forces of nature to overcome the destruction caused by humans? Can they rebuild the forests and reclaim the land? Can they trust the wicked monkey or is the genetic link to man too strong to overcome?

The Interpretation of Dreams is a 99,000-word, fast-paced novel, filled with anthropomorphisms, Freudian references, politically correct eco-themes, and cute monkeys. How cool is that?

Since I understand that your time is valuable, I have attached the full-length manuscript to this email in an obscure, virus-filled format. This should save you the effort of having to respond to this initial query letter with anything less than a contract.

Sincerely,

Ursus MacAque

Bears will always win :)

Bears, of course! They can eat three or four monkeys at a time whereas it takes three or four monkeys to eat one bear.

Bears, of course! What can monkeys do? Throw poo??

Emily White wrote:Bears, of course! What can monkeys do? Throw poo??

Never underestimate the power of poo throwing.