Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I wanted a beer.

Crystal wrote: The snow covered streets are practically deserted.

From my slow going wip, a mystery.

I'd give it a seven. It sets it up but it seems to drop suddenly.

However, mine isn't much better. This is from my ongoing WIP fantasy.

On the ground floor of Alabaster Tower, the Medayan Council waited for their empress in chambers.

JBarracudaL wrote:Sure, why not?

"Hailey stood motionless in a dark, humid place, having no clue where she was or how she got there: Hailey was simply just there."

Oh yeah, it also plays into my ongoing theme of the novel's flow mimicking the stages of life.

This works for me, but I'd like it more if you would remove either "simply" or "just."

Oh, and I love the photo you're using for your avatar. Haunting.

"The girl couldn’t bring herself to close the door."

Jimi Hendrix had a lot of explaining to do.

julipagemorgan wrote:Jimi Hendrix had a lot of explaining to do.

Nice one! I'd give it an 8.

Here's the opening line from my current WIP:

Nobody likes getting stabbed first thing in the morning.

Okay, so this first sentence is from book #1:

Sofie. Sofie’s parents. (hmmmm...it does get better. I promise.)

...And this is from book @2:

The night before Lizzie had to be at the warehouse in Newark, New Jersey at seven o’clock sharp to pick up a load of expensive wine bound for Las Vegas, she began to drift into sleep and tried to think happy thoughts because this was what she always did in hope to chase the bad dreams away.

Eric wrote:I wanted a beer.

Short and to the point. Has a lot of promise.

thecolour wrote:Yea! First post. Anyway, I'm kind of hating it right now, but here it is.

"At the end of a very short lane sits a very large house with far too many windows and hardly any doors. "

Shorten the sentence. i suggest you cut out the "very" and the "far" and what does "hardly" mean? 2 doors? one door?

Has great promise.

JBarracudaL wrote:Sure, why not?

"Hailey stood motionless in a dark, humid place, having no clue where she was or how she got there: Hailey was simply just there."

Oh yeah, it also plays into my ongoing theme of the novel's flow mimicking the stages of life.

i suggest you cut out "Haily was simply just there." It is just repeating what has been said already.

Otherwise...I much like.

henyad wrote: Sofie. Sofie’s parents. (hmmmm...it does get better. I promise.)

I wish I knew what came next so I could tell where it's going with this, which, if that's the effect you're going for, works. I'd read past just to see what it means, but how far after that's the question. 7?

The night before Lizzie had to be at the warehouse in Newark, New Jersey at seven o’clock sharp to pick up a load of expensive wine bound for Las Vegas, she began to drift into sleep and tried to think happy thoughts because this was what she always did in hope to chase the bad dreams away.

Woah. I'm of the instinctive school of grammar but this was exhausting to read and tricker to figure whether or not it was a run-on. I like the detail about the wine shipment, but sentence gets tiring to follow. Break it into two?

Here's mine...
"It was an average theater."
Short and average for just such a place. Not catchy, but oh well.

henyad wrote:
i suggest you cut out "Haily was simply just there." It is just repeating what has been said already.

Otherwise...I much like.

I agree and the alteration was actually made before you posted this. As soon as I started a new polish of the manuscript, I realized the redundancy of that line. I read it through many times and could never quite pinpoint why I disliked the passage so much. For whatever reason, at the start of this hopefully conclusive polish, the error finally jumped in front of my headlights.
Thanks though, to the other commenter as well. The woman in my avatar is a favorite actress of mine: Louise Brooks.

A sultry Sydney night, a woman dances in lingerie hinting at more than it reveals.

Liked the idea of a woman dancing in lingerie. It might be more titillating to know where she's dancing - outdoor, on the opera stage, etc., but you probably say in your next sentence. ;D 8.5

Weary of killing, Liu Jie picked at the blood in his cuticles as he swayed in the saddle.

From "Mourn Their Courage."

My first post will be my first sentence from a middle reader that I expect to finish in May. Seems appropriate.

But I'll begin by complimenting Josin — my favorite so far, although many others are excellent, too. As a journalist, I've always loved a concise, memorable lede.

We're all immortal until we die.

Here's mine.

Jacob Jollimore didn’t hesitate; his fight-or-flight instinct was missing the fighting half.


BTW... I'm a writer and activist, but new to fiction. It's fun being able to make everything up!

_________

One Blue Marble
http://www.one-blue-marble.com/
Make love, not CO2