Nathan Bransford - The Forums

From my current MG novel (undergoing 2nd draft):

I just wish something would happen in my life, anything.


From my half-completed fantasy novel:

Otto Shranck watched from his vantage point in the rafters, listening to the rain dancing on the roof above and admiring the man’s work below.

Scott wrote:Barbara Ducharme coughed herself the color of fabric softener as she dumped another tray of smoking cookies into the garbage bin.

Sorry to self quote here, but I thought I might share a correction I had to made to my opener. It was something of a darling, but then I realized the comparison is inappropriate for a third-person limited narrative. Had the tray been particularly reflective, allowing her to see herself, than it would have still been a bit much but at least it would have made a little more sense. I've since changed it to:

"Barbara Ducharme coughed her head full of stars as she dumped another tray of smoking cookies into the garbage bin."

The use of "stars" is something of a portent, as well. All in all, a better choice in my opinion. :)

I opened with a quote for my newest WIP:

“Have you ever wondered how this happened? How we got this way?"

i love reading all of your opening lines!

Scott wrote:

Scott wrote:Barbara Ducharme coughed herself the color of fabric softener as she dumped another tray of smoking cookies into the garbage bin.

Sorry to self quote here, but I thought I might share a correction I had to made to my opener. It was something of a darling, but then I realized the comparison is inappropriate for a third-person limited narrative. Had the tray been particularly reflective, allowing her to see herself, than it would have still been a bit much but at least it would have made a little more sense. I've since changed it to:

"Barbara Ducharme coughed her head full of stars as she dumped another tray of smoking cookies into the garbage bin."

The use of "stars" is something of a portent, as well. All in all, a better choice in my opinion. :)

I really like the revised line a great deal. I can relate to it more and the phrasing is pretty damn fun. I don't think I've heard that experience put like this before, which surprises me. Nice change.

Cheers, Merisi! A little positive feedback--as I'm sure you know--always goes a long way.

shadow wrote:Ok guys I thought this would be fun! You never know when you need to improve your hook right? So this is how it works. The person who posts (in this case me) posts their opening sentence and the next person rates your first sentence from 1/10 on the scale of whether you would continiue off that sentence. In the same post you paste your opening and the next person rates and posts. Simple right? Ok here goes mine.

Vitiosus gazed at his father’s cold, light grey eyes, and for once realized that he would never be like the blood-thirsty king.

A bruised and swoolen sky watched over the cemetery as the coffins were lowered into the grave. Lester smiled.
{Two sentences. Sue me!)

Everyone has great opening sentences. Not sure which one I like best. Here's mine:

"How to get mind-blowing, toe-curling sex" was the headline on the tabloid newspaper laying in the middle of her desk.

From a short story...

"No one had been in the house for two years and not in the winter closet for twelve."

Comments: Looking over first sentences that I have written, some are so abstract/incomplete without the following sentences and often paragraphs to make their impact. There is often a build-up, something that needs to be set in short bursts and longer sentences that wrap around the bursts that tell of the setting, the mood, the thought, the image, the character, the opening action.

I suppose that is one reason why, with writing prompts, a first or lone sentence will find so many paths through the imagination to the stories that are produced.

Bcomet,

I like your opening sentence. I give it an 8 out of 10 (totally random, since I didn't take the time to decide what the scale is based on) for simple yet interesting. Such a line tells me that...wait for it...there is a story coming.

First line from my WIP urban fantasy:
"Someone I didn’t know was offering to enlarge my penis by the end of the week, and I was experiencing equal parts revulsion at the proposition and admiration for the courage it had taken to make it."

I have some concerns about the usage of the "p" word (not proposition) in the first line.

Yea! First post. Anyway, I'm kind of hating it right now, but here it is.

"At the end of a very short lane sits a very large house with far too many windows and hardly any doors. "

"HillaryJ" said:

Bcomet,

I like your opening sentence. I give it an 8 out of 10 (totally random, since I didn't take the time to decide what the scale is based on) for simple yet interesting. Such a line tells me that...wait for it...there is a story coming.

Thanks, Hillary. I appreciate your comment. As I said, I think it can be hard to convey what is coming next in a first line.

-bcomet

Sure, why not?

"Hailey stood motionless in a dark, humid place, having no clue where she was or how she got there: Hailey was simply just there."

Oh yeah, it also plays into my ongoing theme of the novel's flow mimicking the stages of life.

thecolour wrote:Yea! First post. Anyway, I'm kind of hating it right now, but here it is.

"At the end of a very short lane sits a very large house with far too many windows and hardly any doors. "

I like it. It's quirky.

eringayles wrote:

thecolour wrote:Yea! First post. Anyway, I'm kind of hating it right now, but here it is.

"At the end of a very short lane sits a very large house with far too many windows and hardly any doors. "

I like it. It's quirky.

I like this one too. It's got that flow and rhythm. And, yes, it's interesting in a quirky way.

GeeGee55 wrote:Hillsy and Shandy Shin you've got something special. Here's mine and I don't really like it myself:

The Kelman baby died early in the strange, hot spring of 1938.

You SHOULD like it. It's got that 'something' that sends spiders down your spine.