Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Perhaps bruise-colored?

Camden wrote:Perhaps bruise-colored?

Perhaps, yes. I love it when fixing something is that easy.

Mike Dickson wrote: A single recessed light bulb flickers on every morning around the same time.

Someone else named Mike!

I'd say a 6. It's original, but not wow, especially since there are a good number of mundane reasons for this.

Here is the first sentence from S.B's/my novel:

Light from the full moon sliced the landscape into sharply detailed white highlights and dark blue shadows.

One of the Mad Ones wrote:

Camden wrote:Perhaps bruise-colored?

Perhaps, yes. I love it when fixing something is that easy.

I actually really liked 'bruise like, not because it alluded to color, but because it made me feel like the days were horrible. Bad things were happening with the dam and the birds, and every day seemed like a punch in the gut. That's what I got out of it. :)

CV

CharleeVale wrote:
I actually really liked 'bruise like, not because it alluded to color, but because it made me feel like the days were horrible. Bad things were happening with the dam and the birds, and every day seemed like a punch in the gut. That's what I got out of it. :)

CV

Thanks, Charlee. My intention was evoke that very feeling even though it was, in my head, specific to color.

It still does. Bruise is not a color or shade normally and to invoke it ties in nicely. However to just say bruise-like is a bit curious.

To say the day felt like a bruise is perhaps a simile that we can accept. To say that the day was bruise-like is a bit confusing and makes us wonder 'wait how is a day a bruise? Does it feel like a bruise, look like one, or is it somehow actually a bruise?'

sbs_mjc1 wrote: Light from the full moon sliced the landscape into sharply detailed white highlights and dark blue shadows.

Thanks for the review. I think you may be right, it is mundane and could be caused by quite a few things.
Just for more info on the sentence it's a recessed light from a jail cell.

It's crazy how each sentence in a novel must not be over looked!

sbs_mjc1 wrote: Light from the full moon sliced the landscape into sharply detailed white highlights and dark blue shadows.

Your sentence is interesting for sure. It makes me think of the dessert for some reason. the fact that it gives me such a quick and vivid thought about a place makes it a great first line. I'm going to give you an 8. It can always be better, however I'm not sure how.
Nice job!

"You're just not despicable enough," was the last and only thing they said before they banished him.

- from my second WIP

Hi All,

First post here. First sentence:

"On the night that I delivered Mercy Harris of a bastard child, the King’s soldiers burned the city’s suburbs and fell back within its walls to await the rebel assault."

Mine:

To me, death would be a welcome visitor.

atdeluca wrote:Mine:

To me, death would be a welcome visitor.

This one grabs me. It's short, unexpected, and packed with voice. The sentences that follow can go dark or darkly funny, which to me is promising. It immediately brings up questions, and finding answers to interesting questions is part of why I keep reading books. 8? 9? It's so short, it's hard to tell, but it's a great hook.

"You're just not despicable enough," was the last and only thing they said before they banished him.

I did like this one! I'd actually give this one a 10! Usually people strive to become successfull, perfect, beautiful and popular. But here you are told that they want you to be worse!

This may have something to do with my never fitting in anywhere, and that's probably why I also want to read more.

atdeluca wrote:Mine:

To me, death would be a welcome visitor.

That is nice!

ninafromnorway wrote:

"You're just not despicable enough," was the last and only thing they said before they banished him.

I did like this one! I'd actually give this one a 10! Usually people strive to become successfull, perfect, beautiful and popular. But here you are told that they want you to be worse!

This may have something to do with my never fitting in anywhere, and that's probably why I also want to read more.

Thank you! Well the MC is very similar to you in that respect!

Neal was a blockhead and he was breaking Barlaam’s heart.