Nathan Bransford - The Forums

My WIP so it might change yet again

Sarah watched her mother walk past her door as she turned to finish making her mattress with the cleanest sheets the apartment had to offer.

I changed it to first to see if it was stronger. I think it is:

Abandoned. As I stared at the black coffin being lowered into its final resting place, my solemn face reflecting off its shiny surface; it encompassed my thoughts. Discarded. Rejected.

First line of current MS:

I heard the steps of death. She was coming back for her.

FK7 wrote:First line of current MS:

I heard the steps of death. She was coming back for her.

I like your opening. I was wondering if you had "her" on purpose.

Thanks Robin! :)
Yup, it's there on purpose :)

The prologue is one page long (not even), and it's only using pronouns, because it's a flash forward of a particularly intense and bad situation.

The effect I'm hoping to get is that even though the reader will know that scene is going to happen, they won't know who it is exactly until the scene actually happens. They might guess, but there's a twist here (by playing with the pronoun actually).

Might work or not, we'll see :)

From my new WIP, Delilah Wakes (http://www.amandaplavich.com/summaries/delilah-wakes/). It's three sentences, but it needs them to make sense, I think.

A stolen backpack normally isn’t a big deal. That is, unless it contained everything you own. Then it becomes a very big deal.

This is very difficult. I just can't choose which one I like best.

Okay here's mine from a paranormal thriller. "The only thing I have to fear is what death leaves behind."

Oh, there are so many good ones in this thread. Even browsing only eight or nine pages, I am impressed. I think my favorite right now is: "If I was physically capable of suffering a headache, I'd be in the midst of a terrible one right now." It's vivid and also makes me want to know why the character is physically incapable of suffering a headache (is it exaggeration? is it a physical disability? is the character a ghost?)

Here's the first sentence from my W.I.P. I'm still massaging it, and I think it will probably end up as more than one sentence.

"Doctor Cannon dashed in through the waiting room entrance, late, but the room was empty."

Camille

this is fun...I've really enjoyed reading everyone's openings, especially since we've all likely written and re-written them 100 times.

Here's mine, from my completed (but constantly revising) work of women's fiction:

"A man named Patrick threw me a boulder today, cleverly disguised as a bone."

karenbb wrote:"A man named Patrick threw me a boulder today, cleverly disguised as a bone."

I like this. It makes me want to know more.
Great job!

Robin,

thanks! I've written that sentence 50 times or more. That's last week's version and I'm quite happy with it but that's always subject to change.

karenbb wrote:Robin,

thanks! I've written that sentence 50 times or more. That's last week's version and I'm quite happy with it but that's always subject to change.

Amen to that! I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm going through a major overhaul myself. Best of luck!

Abandoned. I stood motionless in the emergency room. “She’s gone,” was the only explanation I got from Dr. McBaldy. He didn’t even let me see her body.

Ok, so having read through this thread I've found two openings that I love:

"A death in the family is always difficult to cope with, especially when it’s your own." - miahayson

"Nathadria, the girl everyone had forgotten, decided to leave Hell." - Emily White.

Most of the other openings either were too broken up by punctuation, were too short, or didn't have the right balance of introduction and information wanting me to continue reading.

My favourite opening from any book I have read is and will always be the opening line of 1984.

And here are the openings from two of the three stories I'm working on:

"It didn’t take long for everyone’s faith to be worn down by the weather." - The Trashy Romance.

"David held in his hand the last piece of a dead industry." - The Action Adventure.

Even though I've come to realize I'll have to go back and add more to the beginning, this, right now, is my opening sentence.

"She prayed for a swift end to the monotone, off key version of ‘Cracklin’ Rosie’ – only that or a power outage would do."

~heather