Share your opening sentence!

The writing process, writing advice, and updates on your work in progress
Post Reply
User avatar
lightelement94
Posts: 38
Joined: March 5th, 2010, 6:11 pm
Location: New York
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by lightelement94 » March 5th, 2010, 9:26 pm

Jacob Jollimore didn’t hesitate; his fight-or-flight instinct was missing the fighting half.
I ADORE this. ADORE IT. 9.5; and now I really want to read on!
Republic of Lions| bloody brilliant

backfence
Posts: 3
Joined: March 5th, 2010, 9:56 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by backfence » March 5th, 2010, 10:14 pm

I'm seeing some pretty enticing opening lines here.

I have two:

Book 1: There’s nothing like the sound of metal scraping against metal to jolt a person’s thoughts back to reality.

Book 2: In retrospect, Julia’s morning had begun normally enough.

CJ

User avatar
julipagemorgan
Posts: 2
Joined: March 5th, 2010, 5:37 pm
Location: Arkansas
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by julipagemorgan » March 5th, 2010, 10:23 pm

JonGibbs wrote:
Nice one! I'd give it an 8.

Here's the opening line from my current WIP:

Nobody likes getting stabbed first thing in the morning.

Thanks, Jon! And I give yours a 9. Just that one sentence makes me want to find out exactly what's going on!

kmittan48
Posts: 3
Joined: December 17th, 2009, 6:45 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by kmittan48 » March 6th, 2010, 12:52 am

Josin always comes up with something highly readable. I envy her talent. Oh well. Some of us got it, some of us don't.
Some of these are wonderful - too many to pinpoint individually.

Here's mine:

“Where are we?” I asked as I repositioned my casted leg in a futile effort to ease the bone-grinding pain.

zoecourtmansmith
Posts: 8
Joined: February 25th, 2010, 9:48 am
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by zoecourtmansmith » March 6th, 2010, 11:34 am

Okay, so I looked at my second/third sentences and thought this might work better:

"The waitress took one look at the hooded teenager standing across the dark lot and murmured to herself, “Here comes trouble.”
Building word count daily - check out my progress at http://www.zoecourtman.blogspot.com

User avatar
eringayles
Posts: 69
Joined: March 1st, 2010, 9:29 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by eringayles » March 6th, 2010, 10:33 pm

I'm published in historical fiction, but new MS is my first attempt at YA (fantasy/horror). N.B. setting is Australia - hence heat in November.

With November, came the heat . . . and the flies.
And then the evil.
Last edited by eringayles on March 6th, 2010, 10:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
eringayles
Posts: 69
Joined: March 1st, 2010, 9:29 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by eringayles » March 6th, 2010, 10:37 pm

zoecourtmansmith wrote:Okay, so I looked at my second/third sentences and thought this might work better:

"The waitress took one look at the hooded teenager standing across the dark lot and murmured to herself, “Here comes trouble.”
Yes! 'Hooded', and 'trouble' are your 'I've-gotta-read-on' tags.

User avatar
eringayles
Posts: 69
Joined: March 1st, 2010, 9:29 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by eringayles » March 6th, 2010, 10:45 pm

RichardLevangie wrote:My first post will be my first sentence from a middle reader that I expect to finish in May. Seems appropriate.

But I'll begin by complimenting Josin — my favorite so far, although many others are excellent, too. As a journalist, I've always loved a concise, memorable lede.
We're all immortal until we die.
Here's mine.

Jacob Jollimore didn’t hesitate; his fight-or-flight instinct was missing the fighting half.


BTW... I'm a writer and activist, but new to fiction. It's fun being able to make everything up!

I've published an anti-bullying program, and Id say that's your theme???
I give you a 10, because of the tongue-in-cheek humor. I'd be motivated to read on due to that tag.

_________

One Blue Marble
http://www.one-blue-marble.com/
Make love, not CO2

User avatar
eringayles
Posts: 69
Joined: March 1st, 2010, 9:29 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by eringayles » March 6th, 2010, 11:05 pm

ronempress wrote:Liked the idea of a woman dancing in lingerie. It might be more titillating to know where she's dancing - outdoor, on the opera stage, etc., but you probably say in your next sentence. ;D 8.5

Weary of killing, Liu Jie picked at the blood in his cuticles as he swayed in the saddle.

From "Mourn Their Courage."
Wow! Now there's imagery!

User avatar
eringayles
Posts: 69
Joined: March 1st, 2010, 9:29 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by eringayles » March 6th, 2010, 11:39 pm

henyad wrote:Okay, so this first sentence is from book #1:

Sofie. Sofie’s parents. (hmmmm...it does get better. I promise.)

...And this is from book @2:

The night before Lizzie had to be at the warehouse in Newark, New Jersey at seven o’clock sharp to pick up a load of expensive wine bound for Las Vegas, she began to drift into sleep and tried to think happy thoughts because this was what she always did in hope to chase the bad dreams away.
'Bad dreams' is the tag - and a good one - but you take too long getting to it. Agents and editors hate long run-ons, so NEVER use them. At the beginning is where you need to grab their - and even moreso, your readers' - attention, so a run-on at this point is lethal!
Be careful with commas, too. Technically you need one after 'Jersey', sharp', 'sleep', 'thoughts', 'did'. That would tell you that the sentence is too long. You really need to re-write it:

Lizzie needed her sleep - but with sleep came the dreams . . . bad dreams.

NOW you can say WHY she needs her sleep. ;)

User avatar
RichardLevangie
Posts: 8
Joined: March 5th, 2010, 8:23 pm
Location: Halifax. Nova Scotia
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by RichardLevangie » March 7th, 2010, 8:35 am

I've published an anti-bullying program, and Id say that's your theme???

I give you a 10, because of the tongue-in-cheek humor. I'd be motivated to read on due to that tag.
Erin — Thank you! You and Lightelement94 have made my weekend.

Although bullying figures into the plot, it really isn't about bullying. I think of it as a YA mystery with a 13-year-old protag who learns about kindness and compassion during an endless, friendless summer.
It is with the heart that one sees rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.
http://richardlevangie.com/

Kurto
Posts: 2
Joined: March 8th, 2010, 8:34 pm
Location: Rural Missouri
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by Kurto » March 8th, 2010, 8:36 pm

Just registered for the site, and I'm digging the first lines. Here's mine.

An April sunrise should be a wonderful thing to witness, but for Lucas Pike waking up before nine in the morning was a scrotum-tightening pain, a rude welcome to the snotgreen day at hand, and as he relaxed face-up in his bed, staring at the ceiling and at the clock and back at the ceiling, he decided that, you know what, fuck six a.m., that‟s what, and Luke (that‟s how he introduced himself) tried to will himself back into a dream; he squeezed his eyelids together and pulled the covers over his head, but he knew that if he were cognizant enough to get to this point, he was awake and would stay awake.

J.d Smith
Posts: 1
Joined: March 10th, 2010, 12:17 am
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by J.d Smith » March 10th, 2010, 12:25 am

The actual rock where Karen was found dying is still there maybe it's eerie, maybe not that scrub and other vegetation has stayed away for thirty years.

User avatar
courtneyv
Posts: 10
Joined: February 1st, 2010, 12:48 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by courtneyv » March 10th, 2010, 1:02 pm

Emily White wrote:Ooh! Nice! I like the second one especially, Charlee!

Here's mine:

Nathadria, the girl everyone had forgotten, decided to leave Hell.

That's great. Definitely makes me want to read.

Here are opening lines from two YA suspense novels in progress.

Even with the two days' rest, my head still didn't feel right.

Bourbon breath wormed into my nostrils with sulfur’s pungency as sausage-link fingers slithered from my neck to breasts, testing.

And here's one from the YA suspense novel I'm shopping.

Death hung in the air...again.
Visit my blog, Creative Burst, http://cvwriter.wordpress.com.
Check out my KINGS & QUEENS site. http://www.wix.com/cvwriter_27/kingsandqueens/

User avatar
courtneyv
Posts: 10
Joined: February 1st, 2010, 12:48 pm
Contact:

Re: Share your opening sentence!

Post by courtneyv » March 10th, 2010, 1:24 pm

Kurto wrote:Just registered for the site, and I'm digging the first lines. Here's mine.

An April sunrise should be a wonderful thing to witness, but for Lucas Pike waking up before nine in the morning was a scrotum-tightening pain, a rude welcome to the snotgreen day at hand, and as he relaxed face-up in his bed, staring at the ceiling and at the clock and back at the ceiling, he decided that, you know what, fuck six a.m., that‟s what, and Luke (that‟s how he introduced himself) tried to will himself back into a dream; he squeezed his eyelids together and pulled the covers over his head, but he knew that if he were cognizant enough to get to this point, he was awake and would stay awake.

I do love the voice you have going on, but that's one monster of a sentence to work through. Are you going for the Saramago thing on purpose? Even if you're truly that risky, I suggest a period after 'at hand'. That first part's pretty awesome. Please consider letting it stand alone. I mean, wake-ups are a risky start as is. Why shoot yourself in the foot? You also need a comma after Lucas Pike.

This whole thing would be much more readable broken into smaller bits. Even fragmented would be cool, since he's in that morning fuzz. It would put readers right in his head.
Visit my blog, Creative Burst, http://cvwriter.wordpress.com.
Check out my KINGS & QUEENS site. http://www.wix.com/cvwriter_27/kingsandqueens/

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 3 guests