This is interesting. For me, there is a problem with the construction of the first sentence. The day they were born in the last clause refers to the one-hundred and twenty-six people since that's the preceding noun - so it could be taken to mean that those 126 people were killed on the day they were born, which I don't think is the meaning you intended. Would it be more clear to say: Not many people (men or women) can claim to be responsible for the deaths of one-hundred and twenty six people on the day he or she was born? I know this is nitpicking, but you don't want to start the novel with a grammatical error, even if everyone does intuit what you mean.CharleeVale wrote:"Not many people can claim to be responsible for death of one-hundred and twenty six people on the day they were born. I can. Nine who had been in surgery, sixty-two who had been on life support, eighteen who dropped dead when their pacemakers died, and thirty-seven from all the car crashes. I killed them, because I was given a power I could not control."
I don't mind the list actually, it gives me something visual to imagine. And, I might keep the phrase I was given a power I could not control. It gives a bit of character of the narrator - that we are given powers is not something everyone believes.
This is just my opinion, of course. Good luck with your story.