The critique comes across to me like it was phoned in. The IMPERATIVE tone reads like critiques I've read done by first time published writers gloating from a cloud of self-superiority lairding over unpublished, therefore, presupposed inferior writers. The voice is so familiar I thought I recognized who it might be, but now realize it couldn't be--different genre--though the personality type is similar.
Strikes against the critique
1.) Imperative tone
2.) Caps used for unnecessary emphasis, written equivalent of yelling
3.) No specific virtue commentary
4.) Pointless style commentary on discretionary sentence spacing
5.) "Nice start" means nothing
6.) "I’m not at all sure where it’s going, and I find Cozy’s reaction to both the knife and her dealing with the body to be a bit iffy. But perhaps workable, although you’ll need to ensure she stays in character throughout the rest of the book, and naivety is a hard act to maintain, not least given her age."
"Not at all" pointless overstatement.
"To be a bit iffy. But perhaps workable, although . . ." what does that mean? Plus, nonstandard conjunction composition and punctuation. //To be a bit iffy, perhaps workable, although . . . //
"But perhaps workable, although you’ll need to ensure she stays in character throughout the rest of the book, and naivety is a hard act to maintain, not least given her age." Run-on sentence trainwreck from comma splicing nonassociated ideas. Logic issue, staying in character and maintaining naïveté are not mutually exclusive personality or behavior traits. Nor conventions of the genre or any genre. In fact, one of the fundamental plot conventions of any genre is a transformation of a setting, plot (complication), idea, character, and/or event circumstance.
Naïveté has little practical to do with a given age after early adulthood, another potential logic issue. Naivety
might be in dictionaries, but I rank it alongside irregardless
for awkward diction.
Mitigating aspects, the commentor does identify the protagonist by name and identify the inciting crisis of a body.
All in all, grammar, style, logic, decorum, method failure, thus message failure. No wonder to me it lacked a byline.
From the Silva Rhetoricae, Decorum:
"A central rhetorical principle requiring one's words and subject matter be aptly fit to each other, to the circumstances and occasion (kairos), the audience, and the speaker.
"Though initially just one of several virtues of style ('aptum'), decorum has become a governing concept for all of rhetoric. Essentially, if one's ideas are appropriately embodied and presented (thereby observing decorum), then one's speech will be effective."
http://rhetoric.byu.edu/Encompassing%20 ... ecorum.htm
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