Would it be fine for you to give me some critiques? Thank you!

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J. T. SHEA
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Re: Would it be fine for you to give me some critiques? Thank you!

Post by J. T. SHEA » November 3rd, 2018, 12:35 am

This is a short, sharp and interesting piece that I liked. I did not find the dialogue and plot cheesy. Mysterious yes, but intriguing.

Are the bracketed words and phrases part of the text or notes to yourself?

The piece is present tense but you do lapse into past tense a few times, as in:-
“A sudden terror stopped (stops) her heart...”
“Her voice cracked (cracks) before she could scream.”
“Trembling intensely, her unstable body caused (causes) the phone to slip past her palms and drops (drop) on the floor. The sound of the screen cracking made (makes) her raise her arms against her tightly shut eyes and let out a brief yet frightened scream.”

“Madam, please come down.” I assume 'come' should be 'calm'?

“Silvia feels as if the elevator drops at a much slower rate than usual, almost as if it is thrilled to enjoy the time to see her face swell with horror. (personification)”
This sentence reads awkwardly. I would remove the words “...enjoy the time to...”

“Next moment, red lasers surround her face and lighten up the entire surrounding (area). Silvia’s eyes caught (catch) a glimpse of the source of the voice. The shadow wore (wears) a mask.”

I would add the word “area” after “surrounding”. And change the next two sentences from past to present tense.

Overall a good flash fiction type piece or excerpt. I would be curious to see what other readers think.

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